#he thought his dream of priesthood would make him a better person more worthy of admiration safety and love but he climbed too high

[artificialqueens]

Follow Every Rainbow ('Til You Find Your Dreams), Chapter 6: I Have Confidence (branjie) - Writworm42

A/N: Thank you Athena for beta-ing, and Holtz for encouraging me even when I felt down about how long it took for this update. You’re both lovely <3

The train station was crowded and noisy, people rushing about from platform to platform, sitting on benches surrounded by luggage and restless children, or buying food and travel supplies at one of the many stalls in the main station hall. It was almost disorienting; in comparison to the convent, where everything was orderly, quiet, each person going exactly where they needed to be without rush or chaos or dilly-dallying. At the convent, even when every sister on the grounds was gathered in the same place, there was plenty of room left over, empty space filled with echoes of footsteps, a slight breeze whistling through an open window, the musky smell of old wood and stone. Most strangely of all, though, was that at the convent, Vanessa’s postulant uniform was common-place, just a regular dress like any other. But in the train station, somehow, it was different; there, it seemed to be the most noticeable thing about her, something that caused some to smile, others to scowl, all of them part ways to give her more room, either because they respected her or were afraid of her.

Why’s she dressed like that, mommy? a little boy behind Vanessa asked, only to have his mother shush him right away.

Because she’s going to be a woman of God one day.

It made Vanessa’s heart sink a little even as her stomach rose into her throat.

The truth is, she didn’t know whether she actually was going to be a woman of God. She didn’t know anything at all about the future, let alone what she was right that second. And from the vague answer Nina had given her, really it seemed like the older woman didn’t, either.

You’re going to be… Not quite a postulant anymore, but not a layperson either, Nina had shrugged. Think of it as a kind of ministry, I guess. A trial period to see where you fit better. At the end of the day, labels are kind of arbitrary anyway, right? This is less about what you are, and more about what your purpose in God’s plan is.

It was a cop-out, Vanessa knew that, but it was also an interesting proposition, one she couldn’t help but want to make sense of. So she had agreed, not because she was sure of what was happening, but because her instincts told her that maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to try to find out.

That didn’t make it any less nerve-wracking, though.

She plopped down into the seat in her compartment, staring intently out the window to avoid looking at the man staring intently at her from his place in the seat opposite her. It would be a half-day’s journey to her new employer’s house, which was plenty of time to think.

“Going somewhere, sister?”

Vanessa looked up in surprise at the man’s voice, head snapping in his direction. But he seemed unperturbed; he only smiled, his eyes sparkling with something Vanessa couldn’t quite make out the meaning of.

“Um… Yeah.” she stared back at the man apprehensively, her heartbeat quickening. From her experiences during outreach and even just now on the train, she knew there were two ways this could go: either the man was a creep, or just wanted to talk.

Apparently, it was the latter.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, sister.” the man softened suddenly, putting up his hands as if to surrender, show that he wasn’t a threat. “I just noticed your uniform and thought it was strange—I know your convent, I’ve seen nuns from it on the street, but I’ve never seen one of you travelling on a train elsewhere. Well, no one without a chaperone, at least. I was wondering why, that’s all.”

Vanessa breathed out in relief. “I’m actually going to do some… special outreach.” It wasn’t a lie, necessarily—in a way, this was outreach, considering the person who’d hired her had gone via the convent. And the man certainly seemed fascinated by the statement, his smile spreading even wider.

“Thought so.” he nodded. “You guys are good eggs. Always looking out for others. I think it’s great.”

Vanessa gave him a weak smile; if only he knew. “I dunno if I’d call me great.” she started, but the man just shook his head, cutting her off.

“Please, sister, don’t be modest. I know you’re young, and probably haven’t gone out on your own before. But there’s a reason you were asked to, right? Nothing you can’t handle, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”

The statement hit Vanessa square in the chest, both familiar and surreal. God gives us nothing we can’t handle. It was meant to be an encouragement, a reminder of one’s power and potential in the eyes of God. Sometimes, though, it felt like a taunt–like if she couldn’t handle it after all, she’d failed something, because she was supposed to be able to get through it. More pressure, more reminders that she had more than just herself to be responsible to.

But now, looking at the man’s gentle eyes, the edge of softness in his smile, she felt her heart melt and the little affirmation sink in, plant a seed of support in her chest.

“I have a son like you, you know.” the man continued, his gaze ever kind, ever unwavering. “Well–sort of like you, I guess. He’s still a little shy of actually getting to the priesthood, even though he really wants it. He holds back, is the thing. Doesn’t believe in himself. Some people at the church told him that… well, let’s just say he’s not the kind of boy that they recognize. And he let it get him down. He’s still got a lot of work to do before he’ll let himself do what I know he can to break down those doors.”

“I think I’m having the opposite problem.” Vanessa snorted. “They ain’t tryin’ to keep me from gettin’ in, they tryna force me out.”

“How do you mean?” the man frowned, and Vanessa’s heart stopped. If she admitted the whole story now–whatever the story actually was–well, who knew what he’d think. What he’d see in her. What he would or wouldn’t say, and whether any harsh words or disappointed silence would be worse.

“If I succeed in this outreach, I probably ain’t gonna be goin’ back to the convent. An’ if I don’t, I don’t know if they gonna let me back in.”

“Ah.” the man nodded, and even though Vanessa still held her breath, still fe;t the anxiety of not knowing where a conversation was going, her heart didn’t stop completely, because it didn’t feel like a judgmental acknowledgement. It didn’t really feel like anything at all, except for a nod and a noise and a man who was still listening.

And for now, that was enough.

“I just… I dunno.” she continued, because fuck it, why not? “I feel nervous, ‘cause I feel like every time I think I found a place I can fit in, I’m wrong. In school I loved learning, but I wasn’t smart enough to be with the intell–internlec–the nerdy kids, the one who got things done in a book sorta way instead of the way I just liked to get my hands dirty to learn. In the convent, I was a spitfire and they liked that at first, but then I ain’t learn how to calm down and they didn’t think they could contain me no more. They said I could come back if I needed to, but… I feel like I’ll probably need to, not ‘cause I wanna, but because I ain’t gonna fit in here, either. ‘Cause I’m a failure.”

“You don’t seem like a failure to me.” the man got up, hesitated a little before Vanessa nodded, giving him permission to sit down next to her. “And you seem plenty smart. Like you know who you are and what you’re about, and know enough about yourself and the world to look at it realistically.

“You haven’t found out where you fit yet, but that doesn’t mean there’s nowhere you do. The most impressive thing is, you keep opening the doors and walking through them anyway, no matter who gets sour-faced about it. You don’t have it all figured out, but who does? I’m older than you’d ever think, but really, I’m all over the place, too. Just absolutely everywhere. It’s okay, sister–float through life for a while. Make your mark. Because I know you’re the type who makes changes wherever she goes, even if she’s not appreciated enough to be able to stick around to see them.”

“Thanks.” Vanessa smiled weakly, and for some reason she couldn’t decipher, a sense of peace settled into her chest, like she believed everything the man was saying–because somehow, some way, she did.

“There’s no such thing as someone who fits in everywhere. All those smart kids, all those nuns… They’ve felt the same way you have before. Probably still do. But if it helps, I think you’re the exact type of person I’d have wanted to watch over my son, when he was little.”

Wait.

“How did you–”

But then the PA chimed, a pleasant voice announcing the first stop, and the man got up, smiling one last time before heading towards the door of the compartment.

“My stop.”

“But–”

“Now arriving at Chapel Road. Chapel Road Station. Please make sure to collect all your belongings before exiting the train.”

“Good luck, sister.” he gave a little wave, his eyes tender, if not seeming a little sad that he had to go already. “Have confidence–I know you’re worthy.”

Like that, he was gone, leaving behind nothing but a warm, empty air and a sudden feeling that everything would be okay.

–

Vanessa climbed up the hill towards the house in the distance, her jaw dropping just a little further with every step she took. The closer she got, the more of the house’s–no, manor’s –size she could actually see, the more massive it appeared. In fact, it wasn’t even just that it was huge–the house was also incredibly beautiful, so perfect and awe-striking that it was almost as if it were from a dream. The path leading up to the house’s porch was pristine, well-lined cobblestones clicking under Vanessa’s feet without kicking up a single speck of dust. The house’s grounds were beautiful, too–the grass was cut evenly, flowerbeds neatly arranged, and shrubs all clipped level with each other, not a branch out of place. There was a cascade of ivy creeping down the side of the house, popping out bright emerald against the white stucco walls, yet controlled enough to seem to know not to cover any of the sparkling windows. And when Vanessa reached the front porch, she came face to face with the house’s wide mahogany doors, carved with elaborate detailing and sparkling with a gold door-knocker and a gleaming, immaculately-polished handle.

It was absolutely beautiful, and yet, when Vanessa took a breath, let everything sink fully, she realized that in a way, it was also…. Odd. Unsettling, even. Too orderly, too perfect, too good to be true.

Not for the first time, Vanessa wondered what kind of person she was about to start working for, what they were like and what kind of values they stood for. Somehow, even though the sights around her should have been an answer, they weren’t. Not for certain, anyway.

Taking a deep breath, she pushed away her doubts and reached up for the door knocker, pounding it loudly just to make sure someone– anyone –in that castle could hear her. Her prayers were answered almost immediately, the door unlocking and swinging open and–

“Oh.” Brooke stood in the doorway, looking about as shocked as Vanessa felt. “You’re…”

“Vanessa.” Vanessa stifled the sinking disappointment in her chest at the thought that Brooke didn’t remember her, sticking out a hand instead. But Brooke just smiled a little, shook her head.

“I remember.” she took Vanessa’s hand, shaking it firmly. “I was just surprised, is all.”

“Count me the same.” Vanessa laughed. “So you was the one who wanted a nanny from the convent?”

“I was.” Brooke nodded. “And you’re the one who Nina thought was fit for the job?”

“I am.” Vanessa straightened up proudly, despite the way her heart suddenly set to pounding for a reason she wasn’t quite sure of. “And you’ll see why pretty soon, I promise you that!”

Brooke smiled approvingly, gestured for Vanessa to come inside, and the minute she turned away to lead Vanessa on a tour of the house, the young postulant let out an internal groan so  big she was almost afraid Brooke would hear.

I promise you that!

Way to sound cheesy, Vanessa. Just great. And what if she couldn’t deliver? What if Brooke never saw her strengths, never saw why Nina chose her for the job?

Have confidence, sister. You’re worthy.  

She perked up as the man from the train’s voice floated in her mind, his face coming to her memory so vividly it might as well have been right in front of her. And just like that, that sense of peace, that everything would be okay, finally settled back into her chest.

The Lord worked in mysterious ways, that was for sure.

But maybe, just maybe, this was something Vanessa could handle, after all.

[ask4mynemo-blog]

ITS

A talk by Benny Millar from 2008

When I lived in South Carolina, I home taught a family with seven children, a stay-at-home mom, and a dad whose job took him across the entire country away from his family. I wanted to prepare a message that would bless them and strengthen them.  I hoped to share something true, interesting, and applicable to each member of their family.  In the end, my message made a difference in their lives, but it had an even bigger impact in mine.  I will share it with you today. ITS . . . the most important thing you should do each day. ITS . . . the secret to happiness and progress. ITS . . . something each of us can do in all circumstances. ITS . . . easier than you think. I—T—S   “Invite The Spirit.” We don’t send the Holy Ghost a written invitation, but we can invite him through praying to our Heavenly Father:  “Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.”  We invite the Spirit by doing the right things to be worthy of his constant companionship. Saying prayers Studying the scriptures Going to church and the temple Serving others Being kind Choosing the Right! The sacrament prayers teach us to be willing to take upon us the name of Christ, to always remember Him, and to keep His commandments.  As we do these things, we are promised that we may always have his Spirit to be with us.  We need to remember to invite the Spirit into our lives.  

We can do this by recognizing the three letters . . . I—T—S . . . when we hear such common phrases as: ITS . . . time to pray. ITS . . . time to read the Book of Mormon. ITS . . . time for family home evening. When you hear these words, remember that inviting the Spirit into your life will make your prayers more purposeful, your scripture study more enlightening, and your family home evenings more uniting. ITS . . . time to go to church. ITS . . . time to sing in Primary. ITS . . . time to wake up to go to early morning seminary. I—T—S  consecrates every experience.  In 2 Nephi 32:9 it says, “ye must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that He will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.”  ITS . . . for every activity in our lives!

ITS . . . time to serve others. ITS . . . time to do missionary work. ITS . . . time to be Latter-day Saints! Inviting the Spirit lifts us beyond our natural abilities making us better people in every righteous way.  I—T—S  helps us become the sons and daughters that Heavenly Father wants us to be.   In February of 1847 the Prophet Joseph Smith appeared to Brigham Young in a dream or vision.  President Young asked the Prophet if he had a message for the brethren. The Prophet Joseph replied:  “Tell the people to be humble and faithful, and be sure to keep the Spirit of the Lord and it will lead them right.  Be careful and not turn away the small still voice; it will teach them what to do and where to go; it will yield the fruits of the kingdom.”  Of all the truths the Prophet Joseph might have taught Brigham Young on that sacred occasion, he emphasized the importance of obtaining and keeping the Spirit of the Lord. The first Article of Faith says, “We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.”  The first question asked in a temple recommend interview is whether we have a testimony of God, the Eternal Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.  This is the start of understanding who we are, why we are here, and how we can get where we are going. Comprehending the Godhead, worshipping God correctly, following His Son, and seeking the Spirit will permit us to gradually and literally become like them.  Thus, believing and understanding the first Article of Faith is where it all begins; and becoming like the Godhead is ultimately where it all ends! My mother had a good habit of writing inspirational notes on colored paper and placing them with magnets on the refrigerator.  I remember, as a boy, often passing through the kitchen and reading one of her favorites “Life is a journey, not a destination.”  Our experience here in mortality truly is a journey, but it is not one that is focused on ARRIVING, rather it is a journey focused on BECOMING. We are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father.  He sent us very far away to this home on Earth with the challenge of finding our way back to Him. We can’t walk, drive, or fly back to His presence in the Celestial Kingdom.  In fact, we cannot complete the journey simply by physically arriving there.  We must BECOME like Him in order to be with Him again. “No unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God.”  The plan of salvation is all about becoming. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ all mankind may be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel.  We must repent, be baptized, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end, “then when He shall appear we shall be like Him for we shall see Him as He is . . . and may be purified even as He is pure.” (Moroni 7:48)  We need access to the cleansing, sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost to make this process of BECOMING a reality. The Holy Ghost will show us all things that we should do.  By the power of the Holy Ghost we may know the truth of all things. The gift of the Holy Ghost is the right to have, whenever one is worthy, the companionship of the third member of the Godhead.  It is the authorized opportunity to be continually immersed in the Spirit of the Lord.  After a person repents and is baptized through complete immersion in water by one holding the Aaronic Priesthood, then he or she is privileged to have the laying on of hands by those bearing the Melchizedek Priesthood.  The person is confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then these words are spoken, “receive the Holy Ghost.” This ordinance gives members of God’s kingdom on earth the right to enjoy and experience constant companionship of the comforter, the Spirit of truth; but to claim this gift each of us must learn to receive the Holy Ghost again and again through the trials, tribulations, and events of our lives. We must learn to INVITE THE SPIRIT. The Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants provide wonderful instructions for us. King Benjamin taught us to “yield to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, and [put] off the natural man and [become] a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, [becoming] as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us] even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19)  Last year’s (2007) mutual theme from D&C 121:45-46 says, “Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter . . . an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth.” When we learn to immerse ourselves in the Spirit by living worthy of his constant companionship, the Holy Ghost arouses our faculties, quickens our minds, and sanctifies our souls. In our day the Book of Mormon is the primary source to which we should turn for help in learning how to invite the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.  The description in the Book of Mormon of the Liahona, the director or compass used by Lehi and his family in their journey in the wilderness, specifically was included in the record as a type and a shadow for our day and an essential lesson about what we should do to enjoy the blessings of the Holy Ghost. The Liahona was prepared by the Lord and given to Lehi and his family after they left Jerusalem.  This compass or director pointed the way for them to travel in the wilderness, even “a straight course to the promised land.”  The pointers in the Liahona operated “according to the faith and diligence and heed” of the travelers and they failed to work when the family members were contentious, rude or slothful.  The compass also provided a means whereby Lehi’s family could obtain greater “understanding concerning the ways of the Lord” for words of instruction would appear from time to time on the Liahona.  Thus, the primary purposes of the Liahona were to provide both direction and instruction during a long and demanding journey. The director was a physical instrument that served as an outward indicator of their inner spiritual standing before God.  It worked according to the principles of faith and diligence. Lehi’s family journeyed for somewhere between eight and ten years.  They crossed dessert, mountains, lived by the seashore, built a ship, sailed the great waters, and eventually arrived at the Promised Land.  Yet, not all of the family members were faithful.  Laman and Lemuel, for example, arrived at their destination, but they had not become any better spiritually.  They misunderstood the focus of their travels and trials.  They thought they were arriving and forgot about becoming!  They did not learn the principles of the Liahona.  They did not immerse themselves in the Spirit of the Lord. Later in the Book of Mormon, Alma uses the story of the Liahona to teach his son Helaman. He says, “And now my son, I would that ye should understand that these things are not without a shadow; for as our fathers were slothful to give heed to this compass (now these things were temporal) they did not prosper; even so it is with things which are spiritual. For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land.  And now I say, is there not a type in this thing?  For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise.”  (Alma 37:43-45) We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We can become like them—worthy to enter into their presence, into the promised land of the Celestial kingdom.  What greater responsibility could we have than that of learning to feel and recognize the workings of the Holy Ghost in our lives, and teaching this process to others including our children? Please invite the Spirit into your lives at every opportunity.  Receive the Holy Ghost and strive to stay immersed in his influence.  To the children, choose the right and invite the spirit. To the youth, be worthy, let virtue garnish your thoughts, stand steadfast and immovable in the Spirit. To the adults, let the Holy Ghost help you on your journey of  BECOMING.  I bear testimony that this is the pathway to our greatest happiness. Remember: ITS . . . the most important thing you should do each day. ITS . . . the secret to happiness and progress. ITS . . . something each of us can do in every circumstance. ITS . . . easier than you think. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.