#he's every bit as awkward as elliot just without the social anxiety

[cherrymoonvol6]

rewatched s1 of mr robot yesterday and good lord tyrell wellick is THE pathetic little meow meow ever

[ps-i-dont-even-know]

Dead by daylight Oc

(Backstory, tw: This has schizophrenia, cutting, swear words, and blood. I want to let you all know that I looked up schizophrenia along with treatment and symptoms I may have gotten this all wrong and might offend people for this, and I am sorry if I did, also working on a backstory is a little different from a story and I had difficulty, and there is so much more I wanted to add but couldn’t fit it, but otherwise please enjoy)

 James Wilson is the youngest of his family, having two identical older sisters with interest in sports and putting themselves into every club at their school, seems to keep all his parent's attention from him. But it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get love at all from them, it just means they don’t show much interest in what he likes, unlike his sisters who got more praises than him. To add to that he didn’t have friends while living in an upper-class neighborhood, which is strange for a kid his age. And sure, he does hang out with some kids at the park, but he can see through their acting and knowing their faking their niceness since he lives in a rich family and trying to use him for popularity. On his ninth birthday his family decided to celebrate it at a nearby playground, all the kids in his neighborhood were there and having fun, but he didn’t have as much fun as he was hoping he would. A kid three years older than him, who went by the name Marcus, was trying to make him cry, tripping, shoving, kicking, name calling, anything just to see James crumble. James had no clue why this kid was messing with him, sure he a little bit of a cry baby, but he has never met this kid until now and his parents weren’t paying attention to him while the kid was messing, even if he tried to get their attention it wouldn’t work. James just then tries to ignore the kid, but Marcus doesn’t like this and decided to follow James up the jungle gym, and towards the fire man pole where James was stationed at. A smirk slowly crept up his face when an idea came to his head, as he slowly got behind James and had his arms to his chest, and then pushes them out. All James knew was at one point was standing over the pole and the next he was on the ground looking up at the sky as pain started to rise up his spine. He was about to get up until he heard laughter, only to sees the kid who pushed him is now on the ground, standing in front of him. Other kids around looked at James and started to join in, all he could think is why, tears started to well up his eyes as he lays on the ground shaking in fear.

Before any tears fall a rock came flying and hitting the kid in the side of his face, “Hey dipshit, leave him alone” looking towards the voice James saw an older looking kid, he was wearing all black that had a red ombre to it. His eyes were black like his clothing and lifeless, but at the same time it holds anger to it, and this is how he met his first friend Elliot. “James! Why would you do that!?” his mother shouted, well an imaginary friend that is, but James doesn’t know this. His mother jumped out of her seat and rushed over to both of them while James was trying to stand up, “It wasn’t me, it's that tall kid dressed in black, plus he deserves it for hurting” He shouted out, but his mother gave him a face of anger and disappointment. His mother went and helped out the Marcus, asking if he was okay and what happened, supposedly the boy was trying to ask James if he wanted to play with him and his friends, but kept ignoring them. So, they decided to play without him and when they got on the jungle gym one of his friends accidentally pushed him into James knocking him off. He went down the pole and asked James if he was okay only for him to grab a rock and chuck it at him. James birthday was canceled, all the parents took their kids home, saying how dangerous he was. His family decided to clean up before going home, they gave him a few glares as they were working, which led him to go climb to the top of the spider web jungle gym. “Hey kid, you alright?” the boy who threw the rock said from the bottom of the spider web, while sighing James just shook his head no as tears slowly travel down his face. “Shit,” the guy said, before climbing up and sitting next to him, there was awkward silence between them when the guy sat down, it was almost suffocating James. The guy took a deep breath and turned to face James, “This is awkward, alright, let’s start over since we didn’t get a proper introduction. Hi my names Elliot, what’s your name and I would like to be your friend” Elliot said as he holds his hand out for a handshake, James stares at the hand before snorting a laugh and grabbing the hand with his and shaking it, “Hi Elliot, and your right it is awkward, but it’s alright, My name James Wilson and I would love to be your friend” He said with a smile. And just like that from shaking Elliot’s hand, James had fallen into a trap that he can never escape.  

It started out simple just the two of them as friends, they played, talked, and hanged out, James even asked his sisters if they knew Elliot, but both shaking their head no saying they have not heard of him. It was until later into the friendship that Elliot started to feed James lies, about his family or kids at school, which was around sixth grade. “Your sisters are only trying to steal your parents away from you, and you wouldn’t want that”, “Your parents hate you, probably never want to see you, but don’t worry you got me”, “Did you see the way that girl looked at you, she probably has your name written on a kill list, but I won’t let them hurt you”, “I bet the reason the teacher keeps giving you f’s is because they think your dumb, but we’ll show them.”, “The way that animal looked at you, I think we should get rid of them because of it.” It started to get out hand, James mood took a one eighty from what it used to be. From being happy and calm, to anger, anxiety, apathy, and hostility, he would cause fights with people who were messing with him, or as he so believed. As well as he would have nightmares and when his parents woke him up from them. He would say he doesn’t remember them, only to draw pictures of them next day and say, I don’t know who or what they are nor do I remember making this. The drawings would be him and these creatures with special powers or weapons of some sort; bear traps, teleportation, electrocution, cages, invisibility, the list could go on and on, but one thing that was consistent was him either being hooked or in pain. To add to this his grades started to slip from B’s and A’s to D’s and F’s, to the point his parents started to notice, but instead of asking what’s wrong, they yell at him saying his sisters were better than he was at school, which started to lead him to stop socializing with his family, and only leaving his room to get dinner when no one was around. His relationship with his family was slowly falling apart, his sisters stopped talking to him and started ignoring him, and if he kept trying to talk with them, they would talk down to him and make him feel worse, and then the voices would come back saying how much his sisters deserves pain and suffering, and always giving him plans on how to end their life without anyone knowing. His father sadly couldn’t lay his hands on his son, since he knew the kid would tell, so instead he breaks his self-stem bit by bit and calls him names, knowing that people won’t believe him, and the voices sometimes pick at the stuff his dad says and explain in a horrible way, and making James paranoid that his dad is out to get him, But Elliot won’t let that happen. His mom, she didn’t do nothing, said nothing, and went on life like it was a normal day, but every time she locked eyes with James, her eyes showed disappointment and anger.

But really none of that is true, no, James would pick fights with random students who did nothing wrong. James would also start arguing with his parents, telling them it’s not his fault and the other kid started it. Cutting off his relationship with his family, and started being cold to them. Yelling at his dad when he did something wrong, throwing things at his sisters when they ask how he’s doing, and glares at his mother when locking eyes. He would also talk to himself, saying it’s his friend “Elliot” and that he’s a better family member than any of his have been, but no one can see this Elliot, since he is just an “Imaginary Friend” that has always been with James since nine. His parents start to worry about him and his behavior as he grew up, but they didn’t want to do anything that would might set him off, so they waiting hoping that it was just a phase and it would die down. But it didn’t. It got worse and worse, around sophomore year for James would wear long sleeves shirts and jackets. It was the end of his junior year did it get to the point of his dad forced him tell them why he was wearing them in the summer, only for James to talk quickly beyond understanding and trying to make ideas up. It was until his dad got tired and grabbed James arm tightly making him scream out in pain, and lifted up the sleeves. Only to find red lines going up his arm, his mom and sisters gasped at the sight, and tears started to show up in his mom eyes. James yanks his arm free from his dad, and slapped his in the cheek, stunning both his mom, dad, sisters, and himself, he then runs upstairs to his room. After that his parents decided to take him to the doctor, and his sisters moved out since they didn’t want to deal with their brother anymore, but who would want to deal with him, he’s not “normal” anymore, and it was after his eighteenth birthday did they take him to the doctor.

After physical exams, testing and screening, and Psychiatric evaluation, the doctors diagnosed him with schizophrenia, leaving his parents in shock and fear. Sadly, they waited too long to get help for him, because as soon as they got home, he suddenly snapped. “Hey we should go to the garage, I left something in there” Elliot said, James nods his head in agreement and gets up from his bed and goes downstairs to the garage. Upon opening the door James was greeted with his dad under the car that was lifted with up by a car jacks and had no tires. James scowls at him as Elliot started to move around the car, “What the hell are you doing in here?!” his dad asked from under the car, James crosses his arm, “None of your damn business, now why don’t you just choke on oil under there, yeah?” He responded quickly, not wanting to deal with his dad’s stupid antics, then he heard a sigh coming from under the car, “Look, Son, I’m sorry if I had treated you wrong, I know your mad at me for not helping you sooner with your, um, metal issue, and I promise I’ll make it up to you and start trying to help you.” James then whips his head around to look at his dad, “What did you say?” James asked quickly trying to see under the car, “I said that I am sorry-” before he can get the whole entire sentence out, the car slammed onto his father, as a loud bang and cracking noise came, and soon followed red from under the car. James stares in fear as he looks at the car and then upwards to see Elliot holding the car Jack, “W-Why would you do that?!” James screamed out, only for Elliot to roll his eyes, “Didn’t you see it he was trying to manipulate you, so I decided to end it once and for all, I want to keep you safe remember” and then the voices came back and James said yes and nodded. “Honey, are you okay in there?” His mother cried out from the other side of the door, the door knob twisted and opened, revealing his mom, and as soon as her eyes land on the blood coming from the car and James. Her eyes open in shock and fear as a scream comes from her open mouth, “James! Why would you do that! James are you listening to me! James... put down that pipe down honey, please. James!” was all she could say before Elliot came towards her with the pipe and started to beat her senseless with it, while laughing at her screams, and James only stood there and watched in fear.  

By the time Elliot was done beating James's mom with the pipe, she was unrecognizable and not moving, Elliot then turns to James with the same smirk he had on before, “She was also trying to do the same, James, you know I’m the only person you need right, no one else can love you like I do, were family” Elliot said, James slowly nods not taking his eyes off his mom, and sirens started to wail in the background getting closer. Elliot turning his head towards the sound with a scowl on his face, “Looks like we got to scram, come on kid no time like the present” he said and grabbed, a gasoline tank, James arm, and tugged him towards the garage door that entered the house. “What are you doing?” James has asked as he watches Elliot pour gas all over the living room, kitchen, and upstairs “Well getting rid of evidence, since the cops are coming might as well fake your death in a fire right, also you might want to go to the backyard things are going to start cooking” He responded, and then threw the gas tank into the corner. James runs out of the house to the backyards as soon Elliot took out the matches from his pocket and swiped it across a hard surface, and then dropping it and turning his home into a blaze. James wasn’t sure what to feel as he watched his home burn or how he watched his mom and dad die right before his eyes. Should he trust Elliot and follow his life on the run as a criminal or turn himself in and get help. None of the questioned mattered as Elliot came out of the back door and grabbed James arm and run off somewhere, “First stop, getting revenge on all the kids who treated you badly, and you might want to have this” Elliot said handing James a gun and mask as they run down the street, “But I don’t know how to use this, and why are we doing this” James tried to reason his way out of this, but he couldn’t. Elliot led James on a killing spree, killing every kid who treated him wrong, and killing their family, but there were times James couldn’t do it. Part of him was telling him this isn’t the way and he needs to turn himself in, but the other half is saying they will kill him if they get him. He was on the run after killing all the families, he changed his hair, clothing, and name trying to start a new life, but Elliot wouldn’t him have one, not yet at least. Elliot suggested they should go to the mall and get rid of some anger, James thought they would go there to just look around, he was wrong. As soon as both Elliot and him step into the food court, Elliot pulls out a gun and fires it. Screams started to ring through the air as people started running or ducking under the tables, James goes to look at Elliot when he freezes to see blue eyes like his that holds fear in them. Those eyes belonged to his sister, “James, why’s you stop, we need to be out of here in a few minutes” Elliot looks in the direction of where James eyes was locked on, and seeing who it was he glares. He yanked the gun out of James hand as he walks towards his sister, “Really?! Your sister is going to make you stop,” he cocked the gun and stopped right in front of his sister, and holds the gun to her forehead. “Please.... don’t.... do.... this” She says softly as she hiccups in between her words, and Elliot smirks and looks back at James, “You see James, this is what happens when your weak, you let someone take over you, and you try to reason with them and hoping they would change, but in the end your nothing but a puppet” He explained and pulled the trigger.

A deafening ringing came, people started to scream as Elliot shot his sister and started to do to the rest, and James only could watch in fear. Another shot came, but it was behind James and he felt a searing pain in his shoulder, he looked over to see he was shot, and looked back to see cops. “Shit, looks like the party's over, come on kid we got to go” Elliot said and grabbed James arm and pulling him through the mall to another exit, only for James to break out of his frozen state and yank his hand away. “No, I’m tired of running, and I’m tired of killing” He said, Elliot tried to reach for James arm who steps back out of his reach, “Right, okay honey the time for fun and games are over and if you want to get killed by the cops you can, but I rather you don’t get killed.” Elliot stepped forward only for James to take another step back, “I don’t care what you want, since it seemed you never cared about me, making me go insane and killing people, do you think I want this, no I wanted a friend not some psychotic bitch!” James shouted, and Elliot's face fall. “Fine be that way, but turn around and look at the glass see what you become because of me, I helped you” he seethed out, and James slowly turned around and looked through the glass. All he could see was his reflection and that his face and hands were covered in blood, that it was him who killed his sister, not Elliot. “Stop right there, your under arrest, put your hands in the air” an officer said as they caught up to them, “You see, I was in your head too from the minute I threw the rock and your deal was sealed when we shook hands, yeah I did make you believe in all that shit I said and showed, I was really hoping you would actually succeed the test, but it seems your tiny brain got fucked up somewhere” Elliot said, then turned around and so did wJames, slowly he brought up the gun and pointed it at their head, “Sorry officer, but it’s my time to go and you’re not stopping me” James spoke out, before he could pull the trigger the cop fired, and James falls to the ground and darkness starts to fade into his vision.

“You know, you could have been a good killer if you let me help you. But it seemed fate had other plans and it is such a waste for you to be a survivor instead, maybe you’ll learn your lesson or at least you wish you were killed instead”

Difficulty: Intermediate

A naive schizophrenic, they may be hearing things, seeing things and being manipulated easily, doesn’t mean they won’t try to decipher from good and bad things, at least they learn from their mistakes and move on

His personal perks, SchizoFreak, Snapping Nature, and On the Nail, help him progress faster with objectives, escape mistakes easily made, and help others and self when put in sticky situation

                       ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

Perks ( I would like to thank a friend on discord to help come up with the names and ideas for these perks, their tumblr is @edgierthanmost​ please do check them out)

SchizoFreak

Why did nobody believe you? That the voices in your head made you do these heinous acts?

Call upon your instincts to progress, repairing generators 3/7/10% faster, however, you gain skill checks faster and the success zone decreased.

“Mom, I didn’t do it, he did”- James Wilson

Snapping Nature

Your nature to snap out at things have proven useful in this situation

When fast vaulting a pallet, if the killer is on the same side you are vaulting to, the killer will be stunned for 2/3/5 seconds.

“No one knows why he did it, but they are sure it won’t be the last time he snapped like he did tonight”- News Reporter

On the Nail

When the survivor is in a chase for so long; 3/2/1 minute(s), they gain the ability to throw a stone at the killer, confusing them for a short 2/3/4 seconds. This can only be used every 4/3/2 minutes

“Hey dipshit, leave him alone”- Elliot

[anuschkalova]

The Backup Plan (Chapter 1: The Approaching) Elliot x Reader

Summary: Elliot who suffers from weekly crying attacks finds comfort by chatting with a girl called Y/N that he met online. They have a real mutual understanding and grow close. Elliot enjoys the virtual connection, but is soon forced to step out of his comfort zone.  Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Reader Word count: 2.795 Part 2 HERE

If Elliot had to name one thing that he hated the most, it would be his loneliness.

He hated it whenever the silence overfilled his apartment, making him aware of the missing. He hated the overwhelming sadness that attacked his body, forcing him to curl up into a weeping ball and let it all out. He hated his own fucking blubbering; it was pathetic.  And he hated the fact that his morphine was out. 

Elliot squeezed the empty plastic can in his hand and threw it against the wall. „Fuck!“, he spat and pulled at his hair in frustration, walking in circles. Tonight was far worse than usual - his whole mind was intoxicated by the mixture of every single negative thought he had collected over the years, and this damn mental cocktail was hard to swallow. 

He needed something else to numb the pain, to turn his overheated system into sleep mode. What Elliot needed was a backup plan, a good one and preferentially in the next few seconds.

Flipper’s sudden barking made him slightly jump and Elliot stared at the little dog. She always did this during his crying sessions, probably because she sensed his anxiety. But the longer Elliot stared at the big round black eyes it seemed they fixed something behind him, so he turned and sighed. The computer.

„Of course…“ Elliot sat down and furiously tipped on the keyboard, bringing the monitor to life. Its harsh light illuminated his puffy face and the rest of the dimmed room. 

One klick and the browser opened, Elliot typed swiftly and the white page turned into his surrender: the blue version of his morphine - the most popular social media platform. He created an account, logged in and began searching. Looking for someone to write to, getting off his mind for the moment, exchanging nonsense and feeling normal for once. He went to ‚public groups‘ and thought about a topic, something that his future dialog partner would share with him; a common interest was essential for a fluent conversation. Elliot knew that, but only theoretical.  It was a group called Best movies of all time where he read Y/N’s comment about The Nightcrawler, discussing the two faces of society with three other members and without thinking twice his hands had already started a private conversation.

Elliot A., 12:43  What are your favorite movies?

He brought one hand to his mouth and bit at his knuckles impatiently. Shit, he was so desperate that he forgot a ‚Hey‘ or ‚How are you‘. She probably won’t answer him. One minute had passed and the loneliness was still there. Elliot moved the cursor to close the conversation, eager to find someone else, when a noise accompanied the new message he got.

Y/N, 12:45  I will tell you after a proper greeting.

Elliot A., 12:45  Hey.

He hesitated and typed more.

Elliot A., 12:45  Hey. I’m sorry.

God, why did he have to be that awkward? But nevertheless, he got an answer again.

Y/N, 12:46  Hey, don’t be. I was just messing with you ;-) I do like thriller movies like Shutter Island, Split and Hick. What about you?

Elliot felt his tensed shoulders relax as his eyes roamed over the letters. 

Elliot A., 12:46  Sounds interesting. I like any kind of movie as long as it’s good.

Y/N, 12:46  Haha, and what is ‚good‘?

Elliot A., 12:46  Back to the future is pretty good.

Y/N, 12:47  Yeah, I’ve seen it. So you like the sci-fi genre or just the imagination of traveling through time?

Elliot A., 12:47  Don’t we all wish to do that somehow?

Y/N, 12:47  In order to escape reality, yes. 

Elliot leaned closer to the monitor. He felt a weird sensation, as if somebody had put a cozy blanket over his back and rubbed the soft fabric on his skin while whispering I understand you. Did Y/N understand him?

Elliot A., 12:47  Do you wish to escape reality sometimes?

His heart pounded wildly in his chest as he awaited her answer. Elliot was so nervous that he didn’t register his burning eyes due to not blinking. His body however forced him to do so and after his eyes were set back to the monitor he had a new message.

Y/N, 12:48  Yes.

Her answer was short, but it revealed so much more. Elliot, intrigued by Y/N, clicked on her picture to visit her profile. It was set private, so he just stared at her smiling face. She looked so happy and open-minded, her messy bun had lost some strains of hair that framed her blushed cheeks. What story hid beneath those sparkling eyes? What made her wish to escape reality? Elliot’s fingers began to tingle, they always did before he hacked a person. He felt the urge to open her sealed book, reading the missing lines that would complete her story, the beginning and the ripped out pages - he wanted to know everything - every misery and every secret. 

The familiar annoying noise of another message interrupted his thoughts.

Y/N, 12:49  I don’t want to seem weird or anything, considering we chatted for only 5 minutes, but I’m glad you texted me, Elliot. 

Every word became more blurry as Elliot’s eyes teared up. He ran his hand over his face and took a deep breath. Her honesty unwrapped his true intention, so gently and careful not to rip the thin paper that covers his vulnerability. 

Elliot A., 12:49  I am the weird one. I know it must sound pathetic, but I needed someone to talk to.

Y/N, 12:49  Then you’re not alone. I need someone to talk as well. Idk why, but it’s so much easier with a stranger than a friend.

There it was. He read the sentence over and over like a mantra. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. And then, the loneliness was gone. Elliot, who went to therapy for over two years now, started to understand Krista’s words. His therapist always urged him to tell his thoughts instead of bottling it all up inside. Now, the relief was overwhelming as the lid was removed, the inner pressure left his body in pleasant small waves. 

Elliot A., 12:49  I understand you. 

Y/N, 12:50  :-) Btw, I guess you’re a man? You have a unisex name, my sister’s name is Elliot as well. 

Elliot A., 12:50  You’re right. How do you know?

He had no profile picture and no information given to the site besides his name. Of course Elliot had used a fake e-mail account during the registration process. The internet was not trustworthy. 

Y/N, 12:50  The way you write gives it away. Or maybe I just traveled through time and got a glimpse of you.

She tried to lighten up the mood and Elliot appreciated it. His lips twitched into a quick smile before he typed his answer.

Elliot A., 12:51  I take option two. So how do I look?

It took a while for Y/N to answer, so he went over to Flipper’s bowl to fill it with fresh water. The little dog wagged its tail happily while drinking. The roll chair creaked when Elliot sat back to read her text.

Y/N, 12:55  You have bright eyes, blue or green, I couldn’t tell in the short time and you have natural curly hair, brunette and not too short. You wear glasses and a knitted oversized sweater with cats on it.

Elliot A., 12:56  I almost believed you. 

Y/N, 12:56  Was worth the try and hey, I don’t judge.

Elliot A., 12:56  I’m more a dog person. 

Y/N, 12:56  Cool. What’s his/her name?

Elliot A., 12:56 Flipper.

And so Elliot told Y/N the story of how he got Flipper, of course leaving out the hacking part, and they continued writing about this and that. He learned that she was addicted to coffee and long hot baths; that she enjoyed going to the cinema and secretly danced at home to 80’s music. Y/N on the other hand found out that Elliot worked for a cybersecurity company and that he had a sister as well. When Y/N excused herself for a moment, Elliot checked the time. It was 2:28 am and for the first time during this day he was calm. The anxiety had crawled back into the back door of his mind and Elliot won’t open it for the rest of the night. He decided to end the chat and go to sleep, work awaited him in 4.5 hours.

Elliot A., 02:28  I’ll go to bed now. It was nice talking to you, Y/N. 

Y/N, 02:29  Alright. Good night, Elliot. Keep the systems clean :-)

Elliot A., 02:29  I will.

Y/N, 02:29  See you soon.

___

That conversation took place on a Sunday night, and since then the two of them would chat every time Elliot suffered from his loneliness. He could go for a week, completely fine by himself, enduring the lack of human interactions in his life, just to break down within the safety of his apartment. But Elliot had his personal backup plan - Y/N. They wrote about nonsense and meaningful things, about deep emotions and opinions. She was the anchor when his anxiety washed over him like a giant wave, she would keep him on the surface and Elliot stopped panicking.

The routine was set like a clock:  Crying and writing to Y/N. One week past. Crying and writing to Y/N. One week past. Crying again and writing to Y/N.

It worked. She became an important part in Elliot’s life and so it was only natural for him to hack her. He had lasted two days before he gave in and followed his nature. Private messages with friends and family, bank and e-mail accounts, online-shopping activities and social media profiles were not safe from Elliot’s endless thirst for knowledge. He was more than glad to find out that she told him the truth. Then, something caught his attention in her browser’s history, a specific search.

>>Cybersecurity company New York Elliot<<

Y/N had tried to find him. Elliot leaned back in his chair and kept his eyes locked to his name. It was understandable, her wish to put a face to the person she spend hours and hours writing to. Elliot got it, but he still felt uneasy about the imagination showing her his face.  Their relationship would reach a new level of intimacy. He wouldn’t be a screen to her anymore, but a real human. A human she could meet in real life.

„Elliot?“ Krista’s soft voice addressed him, causing him to snap out of his thoughts.  Today was Thursday and Elliot sat on the large couch of his therapist’s office. She titled her head a little. „You are quieter than usual. What are you thinking about?“ Elliot refused to meet her eyes and instead looked down at his fumbling hands. He hadn’t told Krista about Y/N until now.

„I’ve met someone…“ Elliot could see from the corner of his eyes how the woman’s head lifted up, eyebrows raised. He got her full attention. „That’s great, Elliot. Tell me about him, her.“ „Her name is Y/N… We are writing a lot“, he said slowly and his face softened. It was the first time he said her name out loud and he liked the way it left his lips. Krista noticed the change of Elliot’s mimic and smiled in satisfaction. Seeing her patient like that really warmed her heart.

„So you haven’t met Y/N so far?“ Elliot’s head twitched slightly and he turned towards the window. „Elliot?“ „I’m afraid of showing her my face. What if she’ll be disappointed?“, he spoke quietly and Krista watched him swallowing hard, fighting against the upcoming tears.

„What if I won’t match her expectations? We live in a world where looks and status rule. Swiping left because the nose is too big or the eyes are too narrowed, the first impression is always crucial for a relationship.“ Elliot began to shake as the anger built up, his eyes darting across the room before he finally locked gazes with his therapist. Krista raised her hand and motioned him to calm down. He took a deep breath and clenched his hands. 

„You are talking about relationships. Do you feel something for Y/N and are afraid of her possible rejection?“ Elliot shrugged his shoulder and kept his eyes down. „But Elliot, she must be special if you write so much with her. Do you really believe that she’s superficial and will abandon you?“ Krista was right. Y/N wasn’t like the others, she was willing to write to a complete stranger who’s face she hadn’t seen. She had trusted him and what did Elliot do? Hacking and accusing her for being a hypocrite. 

„No…“, he mumbled and Krista nodded. „I know I tell you this every time, but real human interactions are important for you, Elliot.“

___

Y/N, 10:13  Hey, how are you? 

Elliot frowned at Y/N’s message. It had been three days since his last crying session and she was never the one who approached him first. Y/N always waited for him to start the conversation, because she probably knew not to push him.

Elliot A., 10:14  Hey, is everything okay?

She didn’t answer right away and it fed Elliot’s worry. He tipped his fingers against the wooden desk and his nervous tick made Flipper bark in response. „Sorry“, he said to the dog and finally he heard the noise of a new message.

Y/N, 10:17  I’m sorry it’s just… I feel so alone right now. My shithead of boyfriend broke up with me and I’m not sad about it, just really mad. I knew that he cheated on me and I planed on breaking up, it’s just that he accused me of destroying the relationship… He blamed me for everything and it’s just so frustrating.

Guilt laid heavily on Elliot’s shoulder as he recalled today’s therapy session. He also had blamed his anxiety on her and Elliot regretted it. He also regretted hacking her and therefore feeling the lack of surprise. He had read the chats of Y/N and her boyfriend, hacked his profiles and found out about his dirty secret named Samantha. Judging by the texts, he had cheated on Y/N for 1.5 years and Elliot was often tempted to blow his cover.

But he didn’t, because Y/N knew it. She wrote with her sister about his cheating and how she was going to break up with him. Or using her words ‚beating his ass up‘.

Elliot A., 10:18  Don’t be sorry. I would feel the same. He is more than a shithead if he gives up on such a smart and funny woman.

He hoped that his words eased her pain a little. God, he was so bad at this. How did Y/N just managed to safe him every time he was close to falling apart? He saw her typing, but then she paused a moment before she continued.

Y/N, 10:20  Thank you, Elliot. 

She was holding back something, he felt it.

Elliot A., 10:20  You can tell me anything, Y/N. Don’t hide.

Elliot scoffed at his own text. Don’t hide. He should be the last person telling her to not hide. But his words actually reached her and Elliot’s heart stopped beating when he saw her plead.

Y/N, 10:22  I just wish you could hold me in your arms. I’m sorry if it’s weird, but I trust you so much and I know you probably want to keep it this way and maybe it’s just because of my emotions, but I want to know you more.

Elliot could visualize her crying face - eyes red and cheeks glistening from her salty tears. She must be so desperate if she asked him for the one thing she knew he avoided all the time. Elliot’s backup plan was a real human with real emotions and a beating heart. Y/N had saved him so many times, so wasn’t it his turn to return the favor? His hands ghosted over the keyboards, waiting for his brain’s order. He wet his dry lips as he tipped his message to her.

Elliot A., 10:24  We can meet tomorrow if that’s okay.

To be continued… Part 2 HERE

[vangenius]

Lockdown thoughts

“Why do you have so many friends that are girls?”. Those are the words I used to hear a lot growing up from my mother. She felt that having friends that were girls would negatively impact relationships I would have in the future, maybe she had a point, in the end it was still being in contact with some old friend which doomed my marriage because of unnecessary jealousy throughout it which caused a lot of unneeded arguments and aggression from which was my better half.

The truth is my whole life I have always wanted a close-knit group of male friends. I’ve never found it very easy to get along with guys, whereas girls I seemed to be able to click easier with. This has plagued my mind for a long time. I see old friends in groups like that or I go to friends weddings who have a heap of groomsmen. I have always felt a sense of envy towards that.

Most my life I have always felt like an outsider, like I never really fit in well where ever I was. My first male best friend was in Primary school, his name was Charles. Eventually he went on to a Catholic intermediate/college and my parents thought it would be good for me to go to the same school because of that and discussions with his parents. So I ended up being forced to go to a school I didn’t know anything about or wasn’t interested in. I was Christian at the time and didn’t know anything about being Catholic nor did it interest me. The school as a percentage of people they would let in who were non-Catholic, however after I joined they began pestering my mum to get me baptized so I got put through the lessons and ceremony to appease them. My best friend however left in the second year, he moved to Australia and I was trapped in a place I felt out of touch with.

I went to school there for the next five years, I never felt like I belonged there, the school was obsessed with things like sport and that has never been me. I gained a small group of friends, Joseph, Diego, Richard, Anthony. Hanging out with them on lunch times was sort of a release from it all when I was going through my depression and anxiety for being there, I hated it. There were two things that made me leave the school. The first was that I went through a breakup with one of their friends who then pursued Anthonys friend group and started dating them which made me feel shit, I started getting invited out much less and having that linger in my head was terrible. The second was that being in another place I didn’t feel like I belonged in while I was in these dark periods was doing my head in. One day I tried to give myself alcohol poisoning to end it all but it didn’t work. I was probably acting out a lot at home as well and doing my parents heads in because I was so unhappy. Going to my computer after school every day was my way to escape reality.

An old friend from primary school, Elliot somehow ended up in touch with me, he invited me to a teen social group around this point and I really enjoyed the change of environment, I made some new friends, Thomas, Doyle and Martin at these weekly sessions as well as one of my favourite people in the world, Julia. They told me I should consider changing schools and going to Edgewater to try it out. It was much closer so I think that made it easier for my parents to say yes. I moved schools for 6th form. What I didn’t realise was how fragile the friendships I had with Joseph, Diego, Richard and Anthony actually were because as soon as I moved, I lost all contact with them which tore me up, I was not expecting that at all.

I spent the next two years in Edgewater with my new group of friends. Before I started there, Doyle introduced me to someone at his work called Rudy. When I got into the school I ended up taking a lot of classes with Rudy and Martin and I felt like we just clicked as people and the stuff we were into. I used to love hanging out with Doyle and Elliot a lot, they got me doing things like going to a 3-day concert camp thing that I thought I would never do, Elliot eventually moved to Australia however.

I ended up in a 3 ½ year relationship after college and moved to the North Shore when I was 17 as I didn’t take the news of my parents’ divorce very well, in hindsight this was a terrible idea. The problem with this was that being so far away in peoples’ minds, no one ever came to visit me. However I did try my best to visit all my friends whenever I was back in east Auckland. I would always end up at Doyle’s house for BBQ’s and hangouts with my ex or try and shoot some pool with Rudy and Martin. My ex eventually left me for one of Doyle’s friends and that entire group including Doyle stopped talking to me, inviting me anywhere, no one ever checked on me, etc.

I moved into my mum’s house after this breakup and always tried to stay in touch with the last male friends I had left from Edgewater, Rudy, Martin and Thomas. Martin and Thomas played in a band and we would always go to their gigs or the house parties they threw in Parnell. These were pretty amazing, there was always a bunch of people around. I think eventually as we got a bit older myself and Rudy felt like we were getting a little old for the parties, there was a party we showed up to where the kitchen was covered in shaving cream and there were 16 and 17 year olds around the place (by now we were in our 20’s) and we decided we have had enough. After that Martin ended up getting married to someone pretty awesome and we somehow lost contact, didn’t hang out anymore, etc.

I always considered Rudy one of my closest friends since college, he pushed me to do things like others couldn’t do when I was having anxiety about doing things, going to town, going to gigs, invite me to poker games with his friends, etc. He would go to IRC parties with me since we were 15 and I was too nervous to go alone, I always appreciated his drive and always considered him my closest male friend, it was easy to make him my best man. I sort of subconsciously used him and Julia as benchmarks for my own life (an internal rivalry is good to push you ahead sometimes). I know this was never probably healthy but I looked up to them both so much with how successful they were with things they did, study, work, etc. I felt I was on par with them for a good while but they eventually crept ahead of me in the last 10 years so now I just work on myself where I can.

Throughout the years, in between while I was in my longest relationship, I gained a few male friends through workplaces I was in, however in the end they only ever ended up being acquaintances because they never stayed in contact after they left the workplace.

After my separation a lot of people stopped talking to me. I felt disconnected from the world, stuck down a dark black hole. My hopes and dreams had been crushed, I had felt like I had wasted 11 years of my life. Rudy being the straightforward person he is, attempted to yank me out of my depression by implanting me into another country for two weeks. It was without a doubt one of the most amazing experiences of my life, I never would have dreamed I would get the guts to get back on a plane or go to Mexico and Belize of all places. I felt like I let him down however, I was still super depressed as usual, I didn’t know how to get out of my funk. At one point he threatened he would leave me in the next city if I didn’t cheer up. However after that I got extremely sick, I was throwing up violently, extremely dehydrated, had stomach problems. I think he felt sorry for me so he didn’t say anything like that again after that. I felt like I ruined his trip though. I did try my best to push myself to still do everything in my sick state but now I also just felt bad that I was holding him back from doing more.

The last time I saw Rudy he told me about how he had a friend who he had outgrown. He said he didn’t have anything in common with him anymore like he did with his other friends (he told me how him and his friends were buying property together to sell off). I believe he was talking about me as that friend he had outgrown. After seeing him for that beer I’ve felt super awkward and anxious about meeting up with him again as much as I want to so I just don’t message him anymore. I don’t want to be some sort of friendship burden on anyone.

I don’t really know where this leaves me, part of me maybe has to accept that I’ll never have a group of male friends I can feel close to. I’ll probably never be able to have those “bro out” sort of moments or get invited to things I would love to do. Part of me wonders if I tried so hard to hold onto male friends because my mum would say that line to me all the time but maybe I’m just not destined to be one of those people with close male relationships. I feel the people I meet going forward are probably going to be more like acquaintances and I should keep weary and a distance with them so I don’t continue to go through the hurt of losing friends like that anymore. I don’t really feel like I have much in common with people, I’m a bit of a strange person with the things I’m into. Maybe I just have to accept that’s who I am.