#he's strong af his reservation is psychological not physical

[mus1ca1]

(september 2023) tfw you're trying to impress your new fancy gf but get ambushed on the way to your date 🙄 smh

i do think rusty can defend himself and in a fight easily take on multiple trains from the gang at once, but when it comes to greaseball he's just . . . too scared to really fight back.

[ghostiguro]

CAT BOY YEEHAW!!!

i fucking love his design, it's so cool & swag, i hope you agree. 👉👈

OK so allow me to ramble:

Two tails, because I think that's cool af & I love when animal deity's have like extra eyes, tails, horns, wings, etc.

Choker w/ a lil chain detail; although I think he would more likely hate it cuz after being chained for 1000+ years, would you really wanna wear more chains?? HOWEVER, counterpoint, it looks sick af. I rest my case, your honour.

Cold shoulder sleeved shirt cuz, again, it looks sick af.

WEAPONS: so obviously, the God of Death NEEDS a scythe. However, I used to have a character who had a weapon that was basically two mini scythes chained together; I recently learned that this weapon has a name!! It's called a kusarigama (more specifically, a dual kusarigama), & it looks cool, I like it. I like the idea that he can basically summon his weapons from his blood (practical? not really. cool? yes.), so he can switch between the scythe & kusarigama no prob. Side note, if we applied the rules of Avatar: Last Airbender, he would be a water-bender; more specifically, a blood-bender. Cuz OF COURSE he would be, don't argue, council has spoken. (NOTE: I know they're technically sickles, not mini scythes, but I don't care enough to go back & edit it for the 100th time.)

I think his combat-style would be more stealth & agility, as well as magic. I don't think he would be the most physically strong of the bishops (that spot is reserved for dear Heket >:3).

When first indoctrinated (post-battle), I imagine he would have a hard time with things like fine motor skills, walking, etc. cuz he hasn't really used his limbs for over a thousand years now. I also think even after he's kind of recovered, he'd still have chronic joint pain & issues like that. On top of that, I imagine for awhile he would experience some degree of hallucinations & nightmares, as prolonged isolation & solitary confinement can leave a lot of cognitive & psychological damage. In his god form, he wouldn't be as affected by it, but after being knocked down into a more mortal form, the effects of it would grab him by the throat & throttle him around like a ragdoll.

I'm absolutely projecting here... bro has gotta have hella abandonment & trust issues. Is being betrayed & locked away in the afterlife by your own family not the ultimate form of abandonment?? i cast mental illness on him, case closed.

The breed of cat I based him off of is a maine coon; a) fluffy cat :3, b) LARGE fluffy cat. He is indeed a large cat so it makes sense to me. :P

Ok ramble done for now, pls enjoy. UwU

[tiredbiplantlady]

The signs as people who have had an impact on me:  

Aries: Takes no shit (except mine, and even then Calls Me Out). Speaks her truth with reckless abandon in the best way. Doesn’t hesitate to burn down toxic shit. Fiercely protective and will throw down for me any time. Wants to be loved and appreciated for exactly who she is. Desires strong commitment, passion, and deep connection. Small-talk is bullshit. Has an adventurous streak and wants to know all the things she can. 

Taurus: Good friend. Wants to be truly loved so badly. Can be possessive and jealous. Moves and changes jobs a lot looking for stability she craves so hard. Hard to break patterns and always does the same things over and over. Always there when you need someone to listen and just tell you you’re great and loved. Lots of love to give. Enjoys the comfort of feeling at home - food, warmth, pets, good shows. Works hard to be responsible, but has intense phases of impulsivity. 

Gemini: Endlessly curious, knows a lot about many things, Jack-of-all-trades, excitable. The most communicative - so much information - great long conversations. Affectionate. Endlessly caring. Social and great at organizing. Sweet, but the other, hidden Gemini side very vulnerable. Always smiling and laughing until he’s not. Emotional, deep feeling, but doesn’t express it to just anyone. 

Cancer: So hard to read with a hella thick wall built up. Waits for you to reach out first, but even if he does, gives one word answers to your reply. Extremely affectionate and craves physical closeness, even if the psychological vulnerability doesn’t match it. Potentially manipulative, but mostly just guarded and private. Inconsistent/moody. Loves drinking and is often alone (even in a crowd), but doesn’t want to be. 

Leo: I’ve never known a Leo close enough!

Virgo: I’m a Virgo, and I don’t know any others well, but I’m critical as shit, over-analytical to a harsh fault. Ruminate like crazy. Prone to hypochondria, making assumptions about what others think and feel, and am good at lying to myself to Make Things Fit the way I want them to. I am very shy, but when I think I know something better than you, you know I’m gonna go off. I also put out my hidden feelings in bursts. I criticize myself endlessly and invalidate myself like crazy, looking for it everywhere in other people. Nothing is good enough for me because I’m not good enough for myself yet. Set myself up for disappointment with insane expectations. I try to seem indifferent when really I have Many Feelings underneath. 

Libra: Emotionally reactive. Holds HELLA grudges. Loves expensive shit, looking fancy, portraying an image of being cultured and lots of class, talking about art, philosophy, psychology etc. But is actually sexually aggressive/inappropriately flirtatious, lewd, and likes to intimidate and violate boundaries. Then accuse others of it. Hella unhealthy defense mechanisms (projection mostly). Intelligent, but easily stressed and can’t stand conflict and uncertainty. Tries to always present you with both views if you come to him with a problem (but can’t do it for himself). Deep down wants to be respected, validated, and loved, but is overdramatic and cold to most people. 

Scorpio: Sarcastic, witty, highly intelligent. Loves having all the information and intellectually stimulating, challenging discussions. Loves learning and highly skilled with language. Wants travel and experience. Appreciates the finer things, but also comfy PJs and Taco Bell. Charming, great public speaker. Political awareness and empathetic concern, but also very logical. Distanced from emotions, but deep experiences behind the water-sign wall. Periods of reserved affect and periods of charismatic, high energy. The definition of an extroverted introvert. Absurdist humor, some dark humor. Appreciates small details. Always volunteers to help and be there to listen for you, checks in. 

Sagittarius: Honest in a matter-of-fact way. Curious and very understanding/accepting. Amazing conversationalist, loves debating and good at it. Very social. Kinda selfish...or a lot selfish, or rather self-absorbed. Puts on a customer service persona when confronted with people’s feelings and becomes super matter-of-fact. Emotion-phobic, commitment-phobic, but plays pretend at it and then gets confused when people care. Fearless when it comes to new opportunities to start over. Sarcastic and teasing, blunt with occasional tact. Optimistic and unattached.

Capricorn: Always tryna rescue everybody. Overextends himself and gets passive aggressive when ain’t nobody even asked to be saved. Operates on duty and honor, whatever that means in his own mind. Tries to ensure the image the world sees personally and of the family is idealistic, but is actually so far from it underneath. Reliable and helpful, but moody. Good in emergencies. Traditional and can be overbearing without even realizing it, sorta a God complex. Shows love through favors and material goods. Wants and demands respect. Ambitious and tries to be humble about being Extra AF. Deep feeling under the surface. 

Aquarius: Always watching and not acting. Wants to know everything he can and absorbs information. Wicked smart when he actually gives a shit, but doesn’t give a shit about most people or things. Apathetic or in deep. Lovingly mean, sarcastic. Has his Favorite People he will call out and let his guard down around. Temperamental as FUCK. Sensitive but will NEVER let most people know it. Hilarious, quick wit. Has the best conversation because he fearlessly asks any question, no matter how random or invasive. Got that sharp tongue and can bring somebody down with words in an instant if he wanted, but cares too much to do it for real. Independent soul, deep thinker. Can’t stand schedule changes or broken promises. Puts up with my bullshit. 

Pisces: Class-clown goofy and thrives on attention. Charismatic and friendly. Super musically gifted, successful, but self-sabotages SO HARD. Alcoholic and overly-sentimental. Fearful of failure, loss, would rather feel numb than actually feel good or bad (hope is terrifying) and would rather inconsistently over-invest and pull away than make meaningful connection. Chaotic, unstable life. Romanticizes the world, mystical ideas, and gets Deep late at night when alone. Generous as fuck and enthusiastic, excitable, impulsive. Family is super important. Craves comfort and safety and calm in others. 

[carbonargonlithium]

The short version of this is: recognizing your weaknesses, and tackling them, is arguably more important than recognizing your strengths.

As a side note: before you decide to downsize from two computers to one (from one for work/travel and one for home, down to one for work/travel that you actually mostly leave at work) be REALLY sure that you’re not gonna decide randomly at 9pm to type a blog post and realize you only have your iPad, which does not (currently) have a real keyboard. Guess I know what I want for Christmas (but mom, or grandma, or Joe (lol he never reads my blog posts), if you’re reading this, make sure it’s a nice quality one, and it compatible with the apple iPad pro 2017 model, 10.7in. I’ll try and put a few on my amazon wishlist.)

But, luckily, I don’t live alone! My love, who is currently doing an online class using his desktop, let me use his Surface, which does have a really nice keyboard. So alas, here we are, at 9pm on a Tuesday, writing a blog post.

So, really, the words I wrote (in my “journal” aka my notability document for this week) that really inspired me to write this hopefully eventually motivational post were; “You’re not actually stupid.” And just to summarize where that came from real quick: I’m a scientist, a physical chemist, who has to deal with LOTS of quantum chemistry and quantum mechanics, and I’m not…..a math person. I’m CAPABLE of it, don’t get me wrong, but it takes me a long time, and a lot of effort and working through it six ways before I understand it. English (if you believe it) and history? Had those in the bag. Chemistry? Literal blow off class in high school, loved it in college. Biology? Ehh okay that one was just….not my friend. Math? Well, lets just say that what Florida State passes off as a math minor does NOT cut it for my line of work. And that’s okay. I gotta learn it, but I also gotta go through some self doubt to get there. And that’s okay.

[if you’re like...real real sensitive to death, this paragraph may feel realllllllllly harsh and cold, but it’s just how i’ve been coping and also, how I feel like my grandpa would want me to be coping tbh, carry on] Okay now, I’m gonna blame my Grandpa Thane for like a solid half of why Quantum is probably so hard for me. And that’s okay, I can do that, he won’t mind. He’d laugh and tell me “okay yeah sure Carli”. God I miss that laugh. Anyway. He went ahead and died right in the middle of my last semester of undergrad, which also happened to be the semester I was traveling a ton and taking Quantum. So on top of being busy af, I had to deal with a very strong emotion I’d never dealt on this scale before: grief. So it’s probably safe to say that my memories of undergraduate quantum could definitely be better.

But I passed the class, okay? I got through it, and I got through Statistical Mechanics last semester which was also a very heavy maths-based physical chemistry class, and I’m going to get through this Quantum chemistry class because I know that it’s going to be hard. I know how to ask for help, how to identify what people are going to be the most helpful for me, and I know how to study my ass off. And I’ve learned all these skills through a laborious process of becoming a professional scientist despite being mentally ill, and also, because I knew I had weaknesses, acknowledged them, and got help.

I tutored first generation students while I was at FSU (I was one too, consequently) and I can say that hands down, the reason that students ended up struggling as much as they did is that they waited too long to ask for help. Now, whether that was lack of knowledge, or shame, or fear, I can’t be sure. But I can promise you, students who asked for help as soon as they realized they were struggling were the ones who were ultimately successful. Additionally, students who were even more successful were those who knew what kind of help they needed. If they knew it was math or algebra they were struggling with, they told me. If they knew it was question comprehension, we worked on looking for keywords and finding example problems they’d already done. The most effective learners are not people who just seem to magically know everything, they’re people who understand what it is going to take for the information to get effectively encoded, and go through whatever process that may take.

Now, maybe someday I’ll actually have time to read psychology literature again, and I’ll be able to give sources and all kinds of goodies to my information, but for now, take it as firsthand knowledge; asking for help is 99% proven to help you understand something better. I’m going to reserve the 1% for really awful instructors and tutors who just...cant communicate their knowledge effectively, but that’s on them, not you.

So here’s CJ’s sleepy guide to how to be a better student

TAKE NOTES. Even if you think it’s not necessary, take notes. Pay attention, write things down, because sometimes you hear things and it makes sense, and when you try to write it on paper or rephrase it you’re like….wait hold on.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Not everyone understands everything immediately. And that’s okay. Brains are incredibly complex and literally no two human brains are identical. Epigentetics, nature vs nurture, it all makes sure that your brain is unique, and will have its own unique strengths and weaknesses.

IDENTIFY WHAT KIND OF LEARNER YOU ARE. I’m an auditory learner. If someone walks me through something, step by step, talking out loud while I write, I learn it immediately. I’m not visual at all. I only got through biochem because some friends helped me make a (0,1) binary-esque verbal code for how sugars were oriented. But if you learn by working through something, or drawing a picture, great! Know that about yourself and take that with you when you ask for help.

TIME MANAGE. Keep a planner, or a journal, or a calendar, or even just use your phone calendar. Plan your time effectively, but not strictly. Use pomodoro timers if you want (25 minutes work, 5 minutes break). I also sometimes play “0’s and 5’s” with myself, wherein, if I get distracted, I can stay distracted until the clock hits a 0 or a 5, and then I have to get back to work. If you’re someone who has to cut yourself off from everything, that’s okay. Learn what is going to help you be the most effective, and don’t EVER wait til the last minute to do something unless you absolutely have to. My goal is to always be a minimum 2-days ahead on school work, but I feel much more comfortable if it’s a week.

ASK FOR HELP. Find your weaknesses. Learn the stuff you can on your own, and then figure out what has you confused. Go to a tutor, or your professor, or a TA. And if the first one you ask doesn’t seem to be able to help you, ask another one. Ask friends who understand what you don’t. Don’t be afraid. You aren’t stupid. There are things you can do that no one else can do as easily, and someone will probably need your help there at some point in time too. Just….it’s okay to feel down about having a hard time, but remember rule #2 and remind yourself you aren’t actually stupid, you just haven’t asked the right question of the right person yet.

That’s all I have for now. I have so much in my head that might eventually be useful to someone, and that’s part of why I write this. Whether it’s useful because it helps people understand themselves, or if it’s because it helps them pass a test, I don’t care. I just needed a place to put these sorts of things, so alas, here we are. Blog post 3. Maybe eventually this class will end and I can go to bed, because boy has this been a long week already. And it’s only Tuesday.