#hit two buttons on your phone slash computer.... i know it's so much effort so i included some handy instructions for how to hit two fucking

[faeryton]

oh sorry, did i not lick your boots enough when i wrote that image description for you? my bad

people's accessibility discord, for your ID needs

[petty-revenge-stories]

How to mend a friend's family tension while simultaneously kicking him out of your apartment.

(TL;DR at the end)

When I was in first year university, I moved into a 3 bedroom apartment with a friend of mine. There was only two of us and we talked about picking up a third person to ease the bills but didn't actively search for one as we enjoyed the extra space, even though we were constantly on a shoe-string budget.

By the end of the first term, I was approached by another friend of mine, we'll call him 'Steve', asking if the 3rd bedroom was still available. He had a falling out with his family and wanted to get out of his parent's place. I ran the idea by my current room mate and he didn't mind as long as Steve wasn't a sloth.

Now, Steve didn't go to university. He wasn't the ambitious type. Just lived to get by. The first few months went by and all was well then the retail shop he was working at did a round of budget cuts and slashed his hours back. He started to get behind on his bills, gradually bought less groceries, started eating our food then a month or two after that he had lost his job because he started calling in sick to work to stay home and play video games and hang out with his girlfriend because he decided his 3-4 hour shifts weren't worth his time to leave the apartment.

My room mate and I sat Steve down and explained that he's behind on his share of the rent and utilities, and even tho he was a good friend of mine, he needs to find more work and start pulling his weight. He didn't take kindly to our advice. He told us we "didn't have to be dicks about it" and was just all around grouchy about the confrontation.

Instead of turning himself around, he doubled down on his apathy. More food was disappearing, he wasn't showering on the regular, hygiene started to take a turn and if that wasn't enough, Steve started asking us for money so he could cover his cell phone and other personal effects.

We sat Steve down again told him he has a month to find work or he needs to leave. Again, he got pissed, but channeled that anger into writing a resume and seemingly started a course correction. Within a few days he started slacking again. My room mate and I didn't want to have another round table discussion with Steve. We figured that even if he did find work, the minute he hits a bump in the road, he's just going to turn into a piece of shit all over again. I didn't really want to show him the door without giving him a chance, but my room mate gave me an ultimatum: either Steve leaves, or he's leaving. He didn't want the added stress of extra bills, coming home to a smelly apartment or finding more of his food missing. He had a point. I was sick of it too.

So the phone started to ring with people calling for interviews but Steve would pick and choose who he'd call back. He would apply to places then feel like the work he applied for is beneath him. So now he's wasting the time of potential employers. That was the last straw for me.

It was less than two weeks until the date we gave him to find work or get out and he decides he's going to go spend the weekend at his girlfriend's place. While he was gone I jumped onto his computer and he was using Outlook Express to send/receive emails and resumes to employers. I hit that trusty account preferences button and change his first and last name on his emails from Steve Jones (not his real name) to "Anal Rapist". Hit save and log off.

He comes home on Sunday and with just little more than a week, before he has to hit the bricks, and starts rapid firing resumes all over town. He never gets a single reply. Move out day approaches and swallowed his pride and called his parents and asked he if could move home. They make up and we help him with his belongings, but the day he was taking boxes out the door my room mate and I were at work or school. We come home to find a few things missing: a couple of plates, some towels, books, clothes. But, most frustrating of all my wrist watch was gone. I was pretty pissed off about that so I called him and said we have a few things missing and I'd like my wrist watch back. He said he didn't see it and doesn't have it. I knew he was lying but there wasn't much I could do about it. I wrote it off as a loss.

Now I can already see the comments filling with "You changed his name to Anal Rapist! You deserve it". This may be true, but remember, he wasn't aware that the name change even occurred. So he didn't take it out of revenge. It was taken out of pure malice, contempt and selfishness.

About a month or two goes by and I had completely forgot about the name change. Then out of the blue my cell phone rings. It's Steve: You son of a bitch. You changed my fucking name to Anal Rapist on my email account!

I burst out laughing. Like, couldn't talk, couldn't breath. Just flat out of belly laughing on the phone. He's screaming and yelling and I can't make out a work he's saying because I can't steadily hold the phone against my head; I was laughing so hard.

How did he find out? An employer calls him and asks him to come in for an interview. It consisted of the employer explaining to him that he thought someone may have been pranking Steve and just wanted to show him the email he had sent. No, he didn't offer him a job either. It was purely an FYI session.

This made me laugh even harder.

The last thing he said was, "Yeah, well, I did take your fucking watch! You won't be seeing that anytime soon!"

I said, "I know you did, man. Not because you're trying to get back at me. It's because you're a thief." *click*

No regrets.

TL;DR - I took a friend in after he had a falling out with his family. He stopped paying bills, quit his job and started stealing. I told him to find work or gtfo. He put no effort into job searching so I changed the name on his email account to anal rapist for all potential employers he contacted. He made up with his parents and moved out. He discovered the name change much later. He confessed to stealing from me and I laughed whole-heartedly in his face.

(source) (story by bloodbathnbeyond)