#honestly i want to pare my deck collection right down to the point where the entirety of it can just fit on my nightstand

[guttersvillemayor]

When The Dam Breaks

[It’s not often that my brothers surprise me. I mean I think I got to know them pretty well when we lived together growing up. They were pretty formative years, if you know what I mean. They always handled things the same ways with very few deviations. However, this one I didn’t see coming. As I was waiting for all the Mosby boys to pull me into a family meeting and give me an intervention or something, I was blindsided by the double agent they’d decided to use instead. Although later it was explained that it was her suggestion and they all just agreed it would probably be better to go that way then try to drag me kicking and screaming. It would seem they also got to know me pretty well during those formative years. And truthfully I should have seen it coming. After all, she was part of the reason I received the first late night visit from the twins. But that’s how I found myself staying up late one night drinking with Wendy while my parents were out of town for the weekend. She had claimed that she wanted some girl time since we hadn’t really caught up or hung out since I’d returned home. Which was the truth. Hell I’d even admit to myself that I was slightly avoiding her because of my conflicted feelings about her relationship with Jonah and my own personal crisis. She was just lucky that she’d caught me with my guard down as I’d already started drinking earlier in the evening. 

Carrying a bag of good booze she joined me out on the back porch were I was just listening to some music, enjoying the rare cool Louisiana evening and drinking, obviously. “Mind if I join you? I’ve brought some stuff from the pub including your favorites.” My head gives a quick bob while I bring the bottle of Angry Orchard to my lips to finish it off. From what I saw her pull out, I knew we’d be sticking to hard liquor the rest of the night.] I’m gonna go inside and get some mixers for the vodka. I could go for a screwdriver right about now. [The dizzy, buzzed feeling hits me the second I stood up and that should have been a warning sign to me, but I was honestly too focused on drowning my feelings and the voices in my head to realized the danger in getting drunk with someone who I was trying to keep secrets from. It doesn’t take me long to deposit my already empty bottles into the recycling bin and pull out some orange juice, couple sodas and ice as well as some glasses to drink from before heading back outside. Wendy silently holds out her hand for one glass and starts filling it up with vodka and then orange juice. There were some perks to having a best friend who spent her life in a bar growing up. Still without either of us speaking, I take the now-filled glass back from her and take a good gulp of the drink.] Damn, you always know just the right ratio to where I can feel the alcohol hitting my bloodstream without feeling like I’m drinking more vodka than OJ. [I raise the glass in the air as a salute to her abilities. “It’s a good thing that I’ll be inheriting a pub then one day.” We chuckle because we’ve always joke that she was born to bartend, though we could never figure out if she’d have done something different if her parents didn’t own the pub. 

She easily fixes herself a drink as we sit in the Adirondack chairs that were brought up on the deck by my parents years ago. No doubt they’ve done similar things on a nice night, sitting out on the porch and drinking wine or whatever old people drink. A low snort bubbles up while I take another sip and Wendy asks what’s got me amused.] Nothing, I was just thinking about my parents and having happy old couple moments out here in these very chairs…. [Suddenly my guttered mind takes the idea a bit to far and as soon as the image pops in my head I can’t help but voice it to Wendy.] God I hope they kept things PG. Or at least did the R rated stuff in your chair. [This causes her to wrinkle her nose at the gross image, but overall it doesn’t stop us from cracking up at what I’ve said. And once the laughter has winded down, Wendy gives a content sigh. “You know I don’t think I’d mind being like that one day with Jonah.” Another reminder of their relationship, about the fact that soon she’ll be my actual sister and yet her loyalties will first go to my brother over me, has me taking a bigger gulp than previously. However, Wendy doesn’t notice as she’s still thinking and speculating to me about her fantasy of a happy romantic future. I’m not proud of how bitter I felt in that moment, but loneliness can do that to a person. If I really thought about it, I could even be bitter about Teddy’s situation in life. Granted his constant companion was a small boy who he took care of, but as a live-in nanny he spent the majority of the day with another human who, for better or worse, loved him and who he couldn’t help but love in return. It only helped to make me realize how alone and unhappy I was. 

Thoughts of Richard start to come unbidden to the forefront and I almost miss Wendy’s question. “Doesn’t that just sound amazing?” Her head turning to meet my gaze in earnest interest of what I thought. Although I couldn’t say if it sounded amazing or not seeing as I hadn’t hear most of what she’d said. I just hoped she wouldn’t notice my disinterest as I nodded my head, taking a big gulp of my drink to cover any awkwardness in my answer. Wendy’s eyes were too much like a hawk at times, able to pick up on the slightest clues in what I was trying not to say. Another potential cue at her double agent status, if I had had my wits about me. And whether or not she picked up on something this time, she still found her way onto the minefield with her next question. “What about you Ems? You’re gonna be 30 in the next month or so. Isn’t there someone you look forward to settling down with? I thought there was a guy back in Baltimore who you lived in the same building with... or was it that y’all worked together? [I quickly shake my head and hold my empty glass out towards her in silent request for a refill. She easily puts it back to rights once again and it’s almost as if she’s happy to ply me with alcohol, not that I question it at the time. “No, I definitely remember you gushing over him several times. Richard, right? But his last name was a little more interesting.” It’s obvious she’s trying to see if she can remember it from past conversations while I snort at her comment causing our eyes to meet. ] You’re one to talk, Melancon. [Wendy gives a slight shrug at that and waves me off. “Well it’ll be Mosby soon enough so there’s no need to go into all that. Now be honest, what was the story with that guy. I know I wasn’t there with you, but I’ve known you long enough to know there was a guy you were at least interested in.” 

A heavy sigh escapes me unbidden and it’s as if my feelings and thoughts were just underneath the surface trying to get out. My voice is soft and low when I finally give in to Wendy’s questioning.] His last name was Espinosa, Richard Espinosa and we were both co-workers and living in the same building. [Turning from her penetrating gaze, I focus my own at the night sky and continue sipping my drink with regular frequency. Whereas I’m pretty sure Wendy had barely gotten halfway through her first one. It was as if Wendy saw the barely visible crack in my shell opening and decided to take a crowbar at it. The damn woman knew how to go for the kill. “Sounds like you two were very close then. How did he feel about you leaving the paper and moving back home?” A million things warred inside of me once she said those words and I can only imagine what my face looked like to her. Even so, all I was intent on doing was finishing my drink and keeping my mouth shut, but I was only actually able to do one of those things. As soon as I’d down the last of my second drink, I let out a harsh chuckle from all the darker thoughts collecting in my head.] I’m pretty sure he didn’t give a fucking damn since he was busy fucking another photographer when I got home one day. Nothing like coming home from a shitty day to just have life dump on you once again. 

[Suddenly it was if the dam had broke and I didn’t care anymore about if the idyllic town of Mosby down at the bottom of the valley got wiped off the face of the earth by the flood of my emotions. In the morning, I’m sure I’d wonder just how much I’d had to drink to reach this point, but in the moment I had no fucks to give. I couldn’t even be bothered to register the shock on Wendy’s face as I grabbed the bottle of vodka and started drinking straight from it. The words flowing out of me between each gulp as easily as the liquor I was consuming.] It wasn’t bad enough that I’d lost my job months before that to the fucking bitch who is sub-par at best. Or that he’d turn into a right dick holding money problems over my head and making me feel like shit. Or that I’d practically wanted to be with him since we met. Nope… I had to still see that shit. With baby vomit caked all down my blouse from this horrible interview at a portrait studio. And I thought that was the last drop into what has to be the darkest pit of my life. But then I had to come home, which was another blow all together, and go through all these horrible feelings and thoughts. Including having my best friend telling my brother what’s going on in my life when I’m pretty sure it was obvious that I didn’t want anyone knowing about it. 

[I’m not sure when I’d started crying or reached the end of the bottle or stood up for that matter. However, I did know that my voice had raised so loud to the point that it cracked and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go, but I wasn’t done yet while Wendy was just sitting frozen in her chair.] I’m almost 30 years old and I was fired from my job so I have to work at my old highschool job, I’m no closer to finding someone to share my life with after spending two years pining for an assclown and I’m so goddamn broke that I have to live with my fucking parents. And I mean, I love them, but who wants to be a grown-ass adult living with their parents? I feel so fucking alone and lost, Wendy. So please don’t ask me if something is amazing because all I see in my future is the shitty fog I’m stuck in. [Slowly, I put the bottle down on the table and try to wipe the tears from my eyes, as if that will somehow help me get control during this meltdown. Already I’m regretting the verbal diarrhea and know that I’ve come too close to the unfriendly thoughts about my brother and best friend. The next words out of my mouth could either attempt to put the genie back in the bottle, sweep the dirt under the rug or completely burn my flimsy house of cards down. And with alcohol in the mix, it was anyone’s guess which one it would be.] 

I love you Wendy, and I swear I’m happy that you and Jonah are happy. [Alright, seems to be going good.] But right now I just want to be alone… [Wait... wasn’t that what I was just going off about?] … by myself. With my thoughts… [Cause that’s done me so well so far. I’m not sure what side of me voiced that thought, but all the same it causes my eyes to drift to the whip cream flavored vodka bottle that Wendy had brought.] … and some more liquor. [Without giving another thought to my shell-shocked best friend, I pick the bottle up from the table and head inside. Somehow, there’s just enough presence of mind to lock the door before heading down to the ground floor where my bed is and I know there’s a bottle of orange soda. My focus solely on having the alcoholic equivalent of a Dreamsicle and drinking until I forget all the other shit in my life. God knows I’ll regret so much of this in the morning and for days, probably weeks to come. But all that mattered at the moment was drowning out everything, including the sound of Wendy talking to someone outside on the patio. I’d deal with the repercussions later.]