#honestly like most of my life pre-16 is a blur

[danseinthefallout]

the art of danse - two

a paladin danse fanfiction

story warning; this story contains strong language, adult themes (such as violence, smut/NSFW themes, drug use, and other harsh themes) and canon and un canon language and story plots of Fallout 4 and Fallout 3. 

summary; yea, the bombs may have fallen, but art and love have not. and of course, people still tell white lies

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word count; 3.5k

chapter two; synthetic childhood

Everything went back to normal, as best as things can. It’s been around three days since Stella’s adventures out in the Commonwealth. That wasn’t going to stop her, she was planning on making way back to the police station in a couple of weeks. Luckily, the signal at the police station was now strong enough that Stella’s Pip-Boy cough their signal, so she could communicate with Haylen. She found that out last night while she was working on modding her guns, a strange voice came from it. At first, she was concerned, but when Haylen stated it was her and she realized she left the signal on her Pip-Boy, she was happy to hear from her. Haylen was happy to talk to someone other than people who were apart of the Brotherhood, and Stella was happy she could talk to Haylen, maybe she could get a signal elsewhere.

“What’s the craziest thing you fought?” Haylen asked to throw the speaker as Stella was tinkering with the gun she was making for Danse as a thank you. Stella sat back and thought about her question. Haylen snuck away to talk to her before Ryhs or even Danse would find her. Haylen has so many questions for Stella, about her crazy adventures she had. 

“At 16, I fought two Deathclaws in the middle of a Gunner shoot out. For some reason, the Deathclaws didn’t attack me, but they did help me kill the Gunners… then they tried to attack me so I shot one square in the head but it did manage to rip my gun in two before it blood out… so I had to try to kill the other Deathclaw with my combat knife. It took a while before I confused the Deathclaw and I ended up crawling on his back and slitting its throat… I should have just taken one of the Gunner’s gun and shooting them, but that thought didn’t cross my mind,” Stella said through the mic. “I know it sounds so untrue, but I have the scar to prove it,” Stella stated as she felt the scare on her neck and chest. It was nasty and when she got it, she swore she was going to die right then and there and be a Deathclaw’s dinner.

“Jesus…” Haylen sighed, baffled by Stella’s story “I think with that, you have Elder Maxon beat…” Haylen laughed. Stella blushed.

“You think I’d be a good Elder?” Stella laughed. “Ah, just kidding, you shouldn’t answer that,” Stella stated. Stella could hear someone walking in.

“Hey, Haylen, who are you talking too?” A familiar voice was heard. It was Danse

“It’s- It’s Stella, Paladin. The signal was strong enough that I’m able to contact Stella,” Haylen stated. Stella’s cheeks where flushed, thinking about the Paladin.

“Hi, Danse!” Stella cheered. 

“Hello, soldier, nice to hear from you again… Haylen, Ryhs needs to talk to you,” Danse spoke with seriousness in his tone.

“Oh… okay. Bye Stella!” Haylen cheered.

“Bye Haylen. Talk to you soon okay?” Stellas asked.

“Of course,” And with that Haylen disconnected from the channel. Stella smiled as she looked at the loose pieces of the rifle she was modding. 

Stella got up from her desk as she went to the kitchen in her quarters. She lived with Lucas and Joanna and their quarters were rather large. However, tonight, she was home alone. Lucas and Joanna went to the ‘night club’ for some free drinks, but Stella wanted to stay behind to do some modding and to talk to Haylen of course. 

Stella went to the fridge as she grabbed an ice-cold Nuka-Cola. Endcliff was a freak about pre-war foods and actually being edible, so their scientists and chefs would get together to make them. It was nice. 

She took a sip, and sat down, unsure of what to do next of her rifle, maybe a suppressor? Ah, who knows. Stella just decided to move her little gun project back in her locker and pull out her typewriter, might as well finish that play she was writing for Cosmos…

The thing with Endcliff, is that they value education and the most important art and anything creative. That’s why it’s such a perfect fit for her. Stella always valued things like crafting, music, writing, painting, and dance. It would help heal wounds that were never physical. She remembered when she ran off to Goodneighbor in hopes of a memory wipe, she would sketch all the emotions she felt in her notebook. Luckily, before anything could happen, Nick Valentine busted in, helping her cope with her emotions, with her friends by her side. She realized that maybe she could learn from this and make art to express the awful feeling that flowed throw her veins. Or where they veins? 

Yea, the past 4 years have been difficult after her little disappearing act, but who could blame her? The women just found out she’s a fucking synth prototype and everyone is after her? Was her mother really her mother? Or just a vessel for a synthetic baby? All her childhood felt so real, but was it real to everyone else? 

Vault-Tec and the Institue? What a cluster fuck for disaster. 

What scared her the most is that the Institue still is after her. Even when she was captured at 19, she managed to wipe her entire file and flee. She was safe for now… but she keeps wounding when her time will run out and there will be a ninth attempt on her life. 

She kept that all to herself, the only people who knew her true self where her family and Nicky. She was happy about her new friendship with Valentine. He was fun and treated her with such care. He was like a father figure to her new identity and well, Nick felt comfort when she was around. A prototype. Just like him.

It was cruel what they did, telling her that she’s just a science project to those fuckers at the Institute on her 18th birthday, making her life crumble and saying her time was up. She couldn’t do that. She had to find something or someone else. Leave, forever. She realized she didn’t want that. Fuck the Institue.

The funny thing is, Stella, remembers her childhood like everyone normal child can… or as normal as one can get. Her oldest brother being in a gang and harassing everyone that crossed him and playing with anyone but the kids her age. The vault was never supposed to open. That’s what the Institute wanted. They thought that if they grew up on in a vault, they can easily get information, but now she’s here, in the Commonwealth where their little labs are. I guess she always knew something was off with her. She was anxious all the time and thought nothing she did was normal. She questioned her sexuality and her place in the world. It hit her too that she liked everyone, even ghouls and synths. She just didn’t care. Pre-war days, they would have a name for that. 

She was lucky she made way to Little Lamplight after she lefts her life behind. She never really cared for the vault, no one ever cared for her. She did question if anyone ever tried to look for her, but she didn’t look for them, so it was whatever.

 Stella never saw the world until she was 12. Broken… lost… She saw pictures of it before the bombs fell and she’d hope something of that life was still there. It was the Mayor of Lamplight that befriended her, they where close. He was the only one she talked to before she up and left again. Robert MacCready. Stella heard a rumor he was running with Gunner’s now and he made way to the Commonwealth too. She’d hope to bump into him at some point, maybe without the bloodshed, of course

Stella traveled everywhere in the Capital Wasteland before she made way to the Galaxy News Radio station. It was a blur at that time of her life. Brotherhood of Steel soldiers were doing their business. They were kind enough to let her stay there. Maybe that’s why she’s so drawn to the Brotherhood, even if they wanted to hunt her down now. Or maybe it was the fact that her first kiss and even doing that for the first time was with a Knight. She was 15, 2 months before she was planning on leaving and she had a crush on a new Knight… Knight Micheal. He was 17. The two hung out a lot and well… one thing leads to another and she was no longer a virgin. But that’s neither here or there.

Stella sat there, staring mindlessly, caught up in her thoughts. For a machine whose every waking moment was supposed to be programmed, she sure did think a lot. Quite honestly, with everything that happened since she got the news about herself, a lot of shit happened and well… she somehow saw the positive in it all. Even when the Institue did capture her only a year later. She learned a lot about herself in that time slot. She saw a lot of things she wishes she could be programmed to forget, but maybe… it was there for a reason. No matter what people say… no matter what the Brotherhood says or those bastards at the Institue, she is human.  People forget what human even means in this climate. 

Stella’s relationship with herself and other synths are always off and on, but to be fair, no other person outside Endcliff knows, it was the ones who were mindless under orders, jealous, almost towards her. She never understood why. Maybe the fact she remembered her childhood, had a real mother and father… but underneath it all, they were apart of the experiment all the same. She did feel bad for those wishing to have that loving mother or father, but that was never up to her. Nothing was. Besides her escape, of course.

The Institue was stupid enough to have every track record of there captured and escaped synths and there every move. Just on a terminal for anyone that can get their hands on it. They didn’t know she was going to escape with a few others, but she overheard a few idiots talking about it and so she found her file and deleted it so that when she’s back home, they won’t have a clue where she was. LV-32. Gone. It was a stupidly complicated yet simple plan with a lot of waiting. At least someone helped her. The Railroad. 

Stella always heard about The Railroad even before she found out about being LV-32. She knew someone in The Institue was dancing with them. She owed a little bit of her freedom because of them.

Stella had no clue who was apart of there secret cool kids club, or anyone from Endcliff. When she got back from here escape, a new resident, Athena, moved in. Stella always thought she was odd, but she respected it. They talked every now and again when she went to Cosom’s. She ended up working costumes and was a fantastic seamstress. She could make anything you ever wanted to wear, amazing for any production Cosmos would put on. Athena would always ask Stella questions, not invasive questions if Stella had any, she was a pretty open person after all (besides her synth nature to outsiders)

Stella and Athena bonded a month after everything. Cosmo wanted to put on a production of a play he worked on called Poison of Creature he wrote with the help of Lucas. Stella played Noble, a woman who was a witch. Athena did all her costumes and hung out a lot backstage with Stella. It was no Lucas or Joanna to the level of trust and closeness, but she was glad she made a new friend. 

It wasn’t until closing night she got a chance to meet… Deacon… and Glory and Tinker Tom. Athena invited some “friends” from her old settlement to watch the play and come to the little after party back at Cosmos’ place. Stella hit it off with Athena’s friends and well… months later told her everything or enough that Dez wouldn’t skin any of them alive. Just like the Brotherhood, she didn’t join them, but she did befriend them.

Stella was kicked off out of her through as she heard her radio coming on, someone was trying to contact her. It was probably Haylen again.

“Haylen? Is that you?” She spoke, leaning into the mic.

“No. This is Paladin Danse. Scribe Haylen is on a mission, she’ll be back in a few hours… I… I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to speak to you… if you have time, that is,” Danse voice was husky and Stella couldn’t help but swoon. She was so happy to hear from him again.

“I always have time for you and your team, Paladin,” Stella spoke with professionalism.

“Please, call me Danse… I just wanted to properly thank you for helping us. It has been a stressful time and I would have left for the Prywen by now but I have to stay with my time to make sure they are good. I’m happy Haylen has continued to keep in contact with you,” Danse said, honestly.

“I’m glad to help out… sometimes we forget to help others… speaking of which, I’m making you something as a thank you, will you be at the police station in a week?” Stella asked. Danse chuckled, you could hear him blushing.

“I’m supposed to go back to the Prydwen in a few days, but I can always tell the Elder I need more time… that’s very thoughtful of you, soldier…” He paused as Stella smiled. Oh boy, she could feel that crush feeling crawling in. Not in this climate! “I’m glad you picked up, I wasn’t sure who or what I’d be talking to with Haylen’s radio,”  Danse chuckled.

“I’m glad you contacted me. I have a million things I should do, but no inspiration is hitting me at the moment,” Stella admitted as she looked at the empty page of her play and the loose screws of her gun. Ugh, creation block.

“Inspiration for what?” Danse asked.

“I’m writing a play and modding something special… usually, I’ll have the first scene of my play done and the rest just come naturally, but… I think I can’t get my mind off of what happened. I can’t write about our loses or my adventures ether. It’s been the plot of my last 3 plays. Love? Murder? Synthetic lies?! Ah, sorry for rambling…” Stella stumbled over her words as she thought of another generic plot point.

“You’re a writer? We don’t have many of those nowadays. I always wanted to go to a play, but I’m always busy for the Brotherhood. Maybe write something that could have happened before the war… Baseball or country music. Simple. Peaceful…” It was clear that Danse, too was trailing off, but Stella listened to him carefully. She didn’t know a lot about things from before the war. She only knew of this life.

“You’re more than welcome to come to Endcliff, we usually have productions of plays that our friend Cosmos puts on. Sometimes it’s someone else. He’s currently running around like a madman, putting up a rusty set. And yes, I’m more of an artist, you could say. I paint and dance and sometimes I bang on tables! Damnit that sounded… sexual, ah… you know what I mean,” Stella laughed, completely making herself sound like a fool. Danse laughed at her, enjoying the conversation they were having.

“I’ll try to find a way to Endcliff, and I think I have an idea of what you mean. I heard stories of Endcliff, it sounds like such a strange place, the Brotherhood could make use of such a place,” Danse replied.

“I’d hope you’re not planning on raiding us… you’re making me nervous, Paladin,” Stella joked. “And yea, Endcliff is about education and art. A lot of settlers and traders and people of all walks of life come here, some live here. Mayor Kinnojo kept it safe and the same since his father passed away. We don’t keep people out, but you do have to pass security and Benji takes his job seriously… expect for the raider ambush… poor Benji is still trying to hold himself together… Anyways, hows Brotherhood life? And don’t worry I’m not trying to get you to tell me all your secrets,” Stella laughed.

“The Brotherhood is an honor to be in. I’ve works hours with my brother and sisters, saw many good soldiers come and go. My whole life is dedicated to the Brotherhood… but you can say it’s more than that,” Danse let out a comforting sigh. “Have you considered joining the Brotherhood? After taking care of yourself, you seem to be what the Brotherhood is looking for,” Danse asked. Stella thought about it for a moment. 

“I ride solo, only really ride with Lucas and Joanna and for the people in Endcliff. It’s funny, back in the Capital Wasteland, I was around with a lot of Brotherhood soldiers but never would want to become one myself. I’d rather just do things my way, help people I want to help. I’m unsure why people always ask me to join their clubs… I mean, it’s nice that people think I’m good enough for them, but… it’s all bullshit,” Stella spoke with honesty. Maybe she should join one of those ‘clubs’. “I traveled with many people before I meet Joanna and Lucas, I was working with a raider gang, fixing their guns at one point. Hated every second of that gig… And of course the kids at Little Lamplight and the soldiers at Galaxy News Radio… but none of it felt like me. Yea, sure it gets lonely as hell when all you do is run with two people or even by yourself, but at those times I remember why I do it. To find clarity,” Stella looked at the blank page in her typewriter. “I suck… sorry for my life story… I really need to take it easy on the Nuka Cola,” Stella awkwardly laughed.

“It’s okay, soldier. I understand. I hope you change your mind and join us down the line,” Danse stated. If only he knew what she was… “I’m sorry to cut it short, but I have to go, Haylen and the team is back. I hope to see you soon,” With that and two goodbyes, the channel on her radio lost signal. She looked at her Pip-Boy. It was now midnight.

Stella got up and put on her coat. She wanted to go to Vista’s for a drink and some fucking food.

Usually, sitting at a bar, by yourself at midnight would be pretty fucking sad, but it’s Vista’s and tonight Kamilia was working. Stella sipped her whiskey as she listened to Liza Bush do her set. For such a popular hot spot for drunken mistakes, it was pretty fucking quiet tonight.

“Come here often?” Stella heard a recognizable voice next to her as she shifted her body. She prayed it wasn’t Danny… she would hate herself if it was… She took a sip as she looked to her left to see Deacon. She smiled and rolled her eyes as Deacon moved to sit next to her.

“Yes, all the time… What brings you back to Endcliff? Forget a disguise of ‘Pretentious Art Snob?’” Stella asked, making Deacon laugh.

“That would be such a good disguise for a place like this… but no… I came here to talk to you,” Deacon had some seriousness in his voice as Stella tilted her head in concern. 

“Deacon is everything okay?” Stella asked.

“Yes… and well… no. Remember that man who was with me last time I visited Athena? F8-L9 or Gray we called him?” Deacon asked, catching Stella’s mind up.

“Oh yes! He had a passion for the arts, a perfect fit for Endcliff. Is everything alright with him?” Stella asked.

“He was supposed to be here with me so he could get a residentship here after speaking with Mayor Kinnojo, but Glory said he went all cuckoo and fleed to Goodnaighbor for a memory wipe, I’m afraid the Institute is after him and he just had a memory wipe before his visit,” Deacon explained the situation. Stella took another sip of her drink.

“That sounds like a hard deal… two memory wipes in that short amount of time can be dangerous and afar from the Institue goes, you guys always got that part covered,” Stella stated.

“You’re going to hate me, but we need your help,” Deacon spoke. Stella raised her eyebrows.

“Why me? I’m not even an agent,” Stella reminded Deacon.

“Because what I’ve gathered, Gray really likes you and your art and maybe you could tell him something that could convince him. We don’t have to leave until tomorrow evening… Please, you owe us this much. And besides, don’t you miss traveling with this face?” Deacon asked as he batted his eyelashes, but of course, couldn’t see with him wearing sunglassed in a dim bar.

“Fine, but we’re going to Cambridge Police Station, I have to give a Paladin something for helping me,” Stella explained.

“Okay, deal… Thank you, Stella,” Deacon smiled as he got up and left. What happened with running alone?

Authors Note; This has been really fun writing and I have a whole plot for this story. Don’t worry, I won’t flood your timelines with only this story, I’ll post other junk too. Hope you enjoyed and my asks are open for anything x

[char27martin]

20 Best Songs for Writers and About Writing: The Ultimate Writing Mixtape

Recently, I had iTunes on random and a couple songs played back-to-back that had lines about writing. It didn’t take long for me to wonder, “What are the best songs for writers and about writing?” So I started making my own list, and I put out a call on Facebook and Twitter (find my handles below if you love being part of such conversations).

Anyway, this post puts together my ultimate writing mixtape of the best 20 songs for and about writers and the process of writing. Sure, there are many other great songs about the subject, and please share them in the comments below. But this is the mix I’m going to start rocking on my way to and from writer conferences, open mics, and writing retreats.

Just click the links below to listen to the songs on YouTube.

*****

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*****

20 Best Songs for Writers and About Writing Mixtape

Track 1: “I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter,” by Fats Waller

This is the perfect intro track with a bit of an instrumental opening before getting into the lyrics, which include, “I’m gonna sit right down and write myself a letter and make believe it came from you.” The song was composed by Fred E. Ahlert and Joe Young in 1935 and made popular by Waller. But it’s been covered by a range of artists, including Billy Williams, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Nat “King” Cole, Willie Nelson, Anne Murray, Linda Scott, and Paul McCartney–just to name a few.

Track 2: “I Could Write a Book,” by Dinah Washington

There are two ways to make a transition on a mixtape: smooth or jarring. Both are effective, but I prefer smooth early on in a mix. Enter this wonderful version of “I Could Write a Book,” which was a tune in the Rodgers & Hart 1940 musical Pal Joey. I first heard Harry Connick’s version from When Harry Met Sally…, but a range of artists have performed this song as well, including Ella Fitzgerald, Rosemary Clooney, and Miles Davis.

Track 3: “Dancing in the Dark,” by Bruce Springsteen

According to the Boss, “you can’t start a fire without a spark.” So here we go. The biggest hit off the bestselling album (Born in the U.S.A.) of Bruce Springsteen’s career, “Dancing in the Dark” includes the line that he’s “sick of sitting around here trying to write this book.” Musically, this song jump starts the mix with synths, quick beats, and that fade out sax.

Track 4: “Write About Love,” by Belle and Sebastian

Anyone who has participated in either my April or November poem-a-day challenges knows how I feel about love poems. So of course, Belle and Sebastian’s song “Write About Love” from the album titled Write About Love had to make the cut. In addition to the writing theme, it keeps the upbeat momentum of the early mixtape.

Track 5: “The Engine Driver,” by the Decemberists

Track five slows things down a little, and it plays with the theme of love while taking it’s time getting to the writing reference in the song. But the chorus slams home with, “I am a writer, writer of fictions … and I’ve written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones.” Once you hear this song, it stays. Click here for a pretty cool analysis of the song.

Track 6: “Poetry Man,” by Phoebe Snow

Transition time: From slower and lonely to mellow and hopeful. A kind of summer afternoon song by Phoebe Snow about the poetry man, who “makes things alright.” The song actually hit number one on the Billboard‘s Easy Listening chart in 1975. In 2007, Queen Latifah covered the song for her Trav’lin’ Light album.

Track 7: “I Am a Rock,” by Simon and Garfunkel

As Paul Simon mentions in the opening of this performance, “This according to Arty is my most neurotic song.” This folk song plays off the previous song’s focus on poetry with the line, “I have my books and my poetry to protect me.” I’m sure more than a few poets and readers can relate to that sense of protection from loneliness and isolation. Released as a single in 1966, “I Am a Rock” rose to number three on the Billboard Top 100 list.

Track 8: “Wuthering Heights,” by Kate Bush

Kate Bush hit it big on her debut single, which she wrote at 18 and was based on the novel of the same name. “Wuthering Heights” was released in January 1978 and spent 4 weeks at the number one position of the UK Singles Chart. One interesting part of this song is that Bush lifted lines from Wuthering Heights character Catherine Earnshaw, including “Let me in! I’m so cold!” from the chorus. The song had two music videos; the other one can be viewed by clicking here.

Track 9: “Paperback Writer,” by the Beatles

After some slower (and more somber) songs, we switch up the mood and beat a little with the Beatles. “Paperback Writer” was written by Paul McCartney as a response to a challenge by an aunt, according to disc jockey Jimmy Savile, who asked him to write a single that didn’t have to do with love. Regardless of the inspiration, the song is written as a letter from an author to a publisher, making it relatable to writers everywhere.

Track 10: “Autobiography,” by Sloan

This song starts, “I’m bright and young and gifted in my autobiography; I figured who would know better than me?” I’ve always considered this song a little gem for writers, especially writers who have a life story to tell. This song comes off Sloan’s One Chord to Another album, which recently celebrated its 20th anniversary.

Track 11: “Hey Jack Kerouac,” by 10,000 Maniacs

In this performance, Natalie Merchant starts off by reading a brief biography of Jack Kerouac. Then, they jump into this song, which reads like a letter to Kerouac from the opening lines, “Hey Jack Kerouac, I think of your mother and the tears she cried, she cried for none other…” A song about a literary figure and the life of an artist.

Track 12: “Everyday I Write the Book,” by Elvis Costello and the Attractions

For mixtape purposes, I consider this a response track to the previous song. This song was the first hit for Costello and the Attractions in the U.S. It uses the process of writing a book as a metaphor for love and a relationship. One part sings, “Chapter One, we didn’t really get along; Chapter Two, I think I fell in love with you…” Costello himself referred to it as a “bad Smokey Robinson song.”

Track 13: “Unwritten,” by Natasha Bedingfield

I have to admit; I didn’t think this song would be a good fit. But hey, sometimes that’s the magic of a mixtape: Each song raises the others. But I love lyrics like, “Staring at the blank page before you” and “Today is when your book begins.” It hit number five on the Billboard Hot 100 in 2006; so there are at least a few others out there who dig it too.

Track 14: “Word Crimes,” by Weird Al Yankovic

As long as we’re getting into weird territory, it’s time to slip in Weird Al and maybe the best grammar-related song ever. A parody of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines,” “Word Crimes” has too many lines to do it justice in a short blurb. But it breaks down the proper use of “it’s” and “its,” in addition to talking about the best time to use the world “literally.”

Track 15: “Oxford Comma,” by Vampire Weekend

From a song about grammar to a song that focuses on one of the more contentious grammar issues of all-time: the Oxford comma. Use it? Don’t use it? In this song, Vampire Weekend seems to be saying, “who cares?” Writers, that’s who! Am I right?

Track 16: “Writers Retreat,” by Lloyd Cole

This is when you know we’re getting real on this mixtape: grammar, Oxford commas, and writing retreats? Heck yeah! This is the writing life. In this song, Cole laments how he won’t be there when his lover returns from the writers retreat. From the chorus: “You can write a book while falling apart.”

Track 17: “I’ll Be Your Sylvia Plath,” by Laurel Brauns

This is a sweet, little connector song between the few rollicking romps before it and the final three of this writing music mix. I wish I could share more about this song and the artist, but it was really unknown to me before being recommended on Facebook. The power of social media!

Track 18: “Romeo and Juliet,” by Dire Straits

Considered a classic song by many, “Romeo and Juliet” riffs off the Shakespearean play of the same name. The Dire Straits version is amazing, but I also love the one by the Indigo Girls (listen here). This song is for the literary minded, the broken hearted, and people who just like great music.

Track 19: “BMFA,” by Martha Wainwright

The actual title for this song is a little censored, but multiple folks recommended the song on social media. And I like it. So I’m including it. The song’s opening line is, “Poetry’s no place for a heart that’s a whore.” And eventually there is quite a bit of swearing. If that’s too much, skip this track so the kids can’t hear it. If it’s not, turn up the volume and sing along.

Track 20: “Box Full of Letters,” by Wilco

This is what I call a framing song. The first and final track are both about letter writing. Ha! But seriously, this is a great track that begins, “Got a box full of letters, I think you might like to read…but they’re all addressed to me.” Also, “I just can’t find the time to write my mind the way I want it to read.” And honestly, that about sums up how I often feel as a writer.

*****

Robert Lee Brewer

Robert Lee Brewer is Senior Content Editor of the Writer’s Digest Writing Community and author of the poetry collection, Solving the World’s Problems (Press 53). He edits Poet’s Market and Writer’s Market, in addition to writing a free weekly WritersMarket.com newsletter and a poetry column for Writer’s Digest magazine.

He loves writing and music; so this is like his favorite blog post ever.

Follow him on Twitter @robertleebrewer. Or follow him on Facebook here.

*****

Find more great posts here:

How to Build Your Own E-mail List.

Improve Your Writing Platform in 30 Days.

5 Writing Rules Everyone Should Know.

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[fuckyeahexofics]

hi admins, i've got a question about your blog rules. i was wondering how you define pedophilia because every now and then i see recs on here where one of the characters is 17 or barely 18 and their "partner" is significantly older. it often has all of the abuse and grooming aspects (they grew up together, the older one "waited" for the younger, a lot of hybrid fics have this set-up too, the hybrid being purchased or adopted as a baby) so it's pedophilia in my book but dunno how you see this?

This is long and potentially triggering, so we have placed our discussion of this topic below the cut. 

First of all let’s make a division: pedophilia (pre-adolescence), hebephilia (early adolescence, 11-14) and ephebophilia (later adolescence, 15-19). Here we’re talking about ephebophilia, which can be veeeery creepy when you insert this aspect you talked about (ex.growing up together, waiting for the younger etc). As you said it can be very disturbing and the fact that the 17-19 year old can consent depending on the jurisdiction, does not make it right. It depends on how the author presents it. I’ve read big age gap stories (between adults) and I’ve loved them but it can easily go bad.

For example, I loved If The Police Ask (Baekhyun/Chanyeol), but god, I hated it when Chanyeol gave in to Baekhyun’s pressure (pressure by the youngest to have sex while Chanyeol had set some boundaries until Baekhyun fully became an adult.) And the aspect of waiting for a birthday, like that’s the only thing that’s important, to not be legally liable if someone were to press charges. Really the most important aspect is for the youngest to be mentally able to give real consent. That does not change with a birthday. It honestly made me uncomfortable. Was Chanyeol an ephebophile? Well, I don’t think so. Still, it’s unsettling. In this kind of situation, where the lines of consent and the circumstances of how it is given are blurred, it can depend on the individual reader and how they perceive the relationship. Some people might find nothing wrong and some might get uncomfortable. And keep in mind, relationships like this happen every day in the real world and not all of them are creepy or abusive. One of the jobs of fiction is to tell stories about the real world in a new way. To say that no age gap fics where one person hasn’t reached a legal age of consent should be written is prudish, and frankly, problematic in and of itself.

As for the hybrids situation, which does not apply to real life, I personally consider it very creepy and unhealthy. Also, there is another fictional matter with hybrid!aus. Can a hybrid really consent when they live in a confined -jail/cage like- space? When the only people they can interact with are their owners and a few selected others? Hybrid!aus have a lot of issues. But again, it’s fiction and you can still enjoy it even while acknowledging that some things inherent in the trope are ugly.

So, pedophilia and hebephilia are absolutely forbidden in our blog. But, when the character has the legal ability to consent, that’s where it gets blurred.

And keep in mind that age of consent does vary across the world and even within the US (which is where 3/5 of the admins are based out of, the consent can start at 16 depending on the state). We are not justifying this as an ok thing, just stating the reality of the variation of laws even within one country. 18 is simply an arbitrary number imposed as “the age of consent” in some places. Each fic is different and it depends on how the age gap is dealt with and how predatory the behavior of the eldest is. Does the younger person truly give their consent freely and in a healthy manner? Has the fic shown them to be mature in their thought processes and has a real connection between the characters been established?

Everyone is going to draw their lines differently on this issue as “old enough to consent” outside a legal definition is ALWAYS going to be shades of grey; and you’re asking us to try and draw a line between what’s black and kinda black and dark grey. Thus, at the end of the day, all you have is your own judgement and boundaries. Like one of the US Supreme Court justices said when asked what the difference between porn and art is: “I don’t know but I know porn when I see it.” Most of us can tell when a fic has strayed from creative exploration of a topic to creepy fetishizing or downright wrong. But to categorically say “all fics with age gaps and 17 year olds are wrong.” Isn’t what we do as admins and isn’t what the fandom should do either.

Please try to accept that other people will have different limits than you when it comes to age gap fics. (We are not asking anyone to be ok with pedophilia, ephebophilia and hebephilia, because we are not ok with those either.)

Ultimately this is fiction: a safe place to explore what cannot be explored in the real world and part of that exploration is probing what the boundaries of acceptability are.

Finally, even though we try to check every submission, if we miss something it’s up to you to send us an ask and bring something to our attention. If you have a concern about a fic that is posted here, we’ll be grateful to hear it, review it and make changes to the blog if necessary. So if you consider a fic to contain pedophilic (in the broad sense) elements, please talk to us about it! However, we are not here to engage in fandom witch hunts or drama about tropes. We’re here to provide entertainment as a free service to a fandom we love.

-niki and aeryn

[deadmantalking117]

MY WORST MISTAKE

you've heard this story before... some. When i was in my mid twenties.. an expert on the subject..Dr. Handsome dude. told me that I was going die.. probably in the next 15 years or less. I would spend those 15 years getting weaker and sicker. I would spend those 15 years in almost complete and total never ending pain. My wife would spend those 15 years ( if she stayed around, cuz many don't) changing the sheets for her husband / pet rock. Sex was out the window probably.. he'll be too weak and sick to do his husbandly duties. Plus you're really going to not like him a lot of the time! You might wanna look into dating again! Just saying. So there it is. I got 15 probably crappy years left. But I'm like 28... 40 is a looong time away! Besides.. just because this guy is an expert... doesnt mean he knows me ! I've done my research... Crohns disease has a very wide spectrum of symptoms. At a Crohns disease lecture.. I met a 16 year old girl who was hooked in and out to feeding tubes... she'd already lost all her intestines. At 16. But there was also the 75 year old man.. was diagnosed at 50.. but had small issues for 20 years before. He was looking at possibly his first bowel resection. After 50 years with it. I'm saying.. this disease is like no other. But anyhow... even though I've had a significant bowel resection.. a fistula and that repair.. plus a couple odd extra "procedures" . I'm going to be like the old guy... it wont really effect MY life like that! Doctors... what do they know ? Am I right!? Am I right? Anybody? Turns out. He's pretty accurate! Actually for the next 8 or 10 years.. I was mostly ok. Our sex life was always awesome.. maybe not as frequent as either of us wanted.. but always good. And she didn't even dump me... hooray for love. But after 35 or 36.. I got the full Crohns experience. I remembered the words of doctor Handsome dude... you're going to get very sick and die before 40. I was late 30s now. "Dying time is here" -- Mad Max- beyond thunderdome. I was about to enter the Thunder Dome of the United States healthcare system . One man enters.. no man leaves ! Until now I have been more of a frequent visitor. I worked full time since I was 16. I always had insurance.. because back then.. every semi decent job offered insurance. But things change. After my first surgery.. because now I have a very serious "pre exsisting condition " . Insurance was a little trickier. When I started getting really sick. Insurance wasnt possible anymore. But I had a great Dr. He came up with the plan that I should retire on disability. It was time. I'm probably dying next week anyways.. and when you're on disability.. you're covered by Medicare.. so insurance isn't the problem. That honestly took some convincing for me. I put off filing for quite a while. I couldn't deal with the stigma of being one of "those" people. I'll do a different post on that whole nightmare.. but it's a long story. Suffice it to say that by now I'm 37ish.. maybe 38.. I'm on disability now after a 2 year struggle. But all my ducks are as in the row as possible. And I'm sick all the time now. For 4 years or so now... I'm constantly in and out of the hospital. An endless carosel of hospital.. to home.. to my now very part time job... to the hospital.. to home.. round and round. You can actually work a little while you're on disability. But I was driven to force myself to get right back to work.. I was already mooching off society enough! Plus I was by now fully terrified of really dying! This is actually happening to me. Just like Dr Handsome dude told me all those years ago! Weaker.. sicker.. deader.. but there's a small problem. Not really dying here.. Why is this taking so long? Weaker ? Check Sicker ? Double check Dead ? It's been 5 years of this shit.. tick tock God! My first mistake... I believed all the Drs. As smart.. well informed and brilliant as my Drs were and are. They were then and are today. Amazing people. But the human body is a funky thing. It's going to do, what it's going to do. All that even the greatest doctor in the world can give you is probabilities.. what's probably going to happen to you.. that's it. Cuz here's what happened next.... I'm about 40.. for the past few years.. I'm in and out of hospitals on an almost monthly basis. I know every nurse there by name.. they know me! I've had so many flares and attacks and really odd shit happen to me. I had to have 5 litres of blood transfused into me.. because now I have 2 different bleeding ulcers.. one duodenal.. one peptic.. both bleeding buckets. Tons of drugs to MAYBE avoid surgeries. A blur of pain and seriously bloody stools. Eventually we get the combination of meds for all these issues sorted out.. but still.. over and over we go. No life.. just hospital. Or home in bed. I know I'm supposed to be dying here.. but this isn't really working for me. So I asked my doctors to cut out the bad part.. there's definitely a bad part. For me its the same bad part. That pesky Terminal Illeum. With a lot of Crohns people.. the disease comes back to the same place that you've previously had removed. Thats where my blockages were ( still are ). After years of different drug treatments.. most only minimally effective.. I needed to do something completely different. So bowel resection number 2. I recovered after a few weeks. And actually was almost myself again.. but more changes were needed. I was taking fistfulls of pills everyday. My wonderful doctor was doing everything humanly possible to help me. But again.. thats a whole other story to tell. So with my health slightly restored.. Kat and I packed up our lives and our family.. and moved far away from our crappy life. For the next 3 years I never saw a Dr.. didn't take so much as an aspirin. I needed to know how I really felt. The problem with drugs is that they might work on one problem.. but cause 2 brand new problems. Lots more on that later. So... my post death life has officially begun.. I'm mid 40's.. I'm weaker.. sick on and off. But I'm alive.. and still moving. So lots more to come.. stay tuned! I told you that my one mistake was taking all my doctors literally.. I believed I would die. I kinda built my life around being dead at 40. Then at 40.. I had to make a whole new life for us. My point? Always plan for the future no matter what an expert tells you. Its always coming for you. What was my worst mistake? I got a deadly disease in the greatest country in the world. I've had to adapt over and over to constantly changing circumstances. I should only ever have had to worry about my health.. it's the way it works in every other country. Here.. everything's a daunting process .. and I promise I'll tell it all... but you have to go through it all while you're at deaths door. Its a cruel system. If you're lucky.. you meet some government employee who actually knows something. Help is almost non exsistant. All that hospital drama I just told you about? That was just so I could tell you this. Kat and I spent years during this time. Begging for help. You can't imagine the volumes of paperwork.. I had 3 big file boxes full of my files that I seemed to have to take to every government agency in the world. Its soul crushing at a time when you're barely holding on to yours. I promise I'll tell you that whole story.. but its late and I'm tired.. and even remembering this is seriously depressing me. But hey.. I'm a dead man who's still talking. Be well my friends