#however. HOWEVER. for the last couple months I’ve seen some incredibly disheartening stuff

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

The High

The progress was coming so quickly I started to wonder if it was too quick. I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I never in a million years expected to be back doing chin-ups (even banded), or press-ups or sit-ups this early. I also started to worry my physios would think I was being disrespectful or undermining the process because of the exercises I was trying myself. That was the very last thing I would ever want so I discussed it with all of them. They all assured me they didn’t feel like that at all and in fact, thought it was fantastic that I was progressing the way I was and at the rate I was – I was progressing at the rate that was right for me.

The next in person consult was with Gráinne, almost a month after I had seen Lyndsey. As I said before, the in person consults with Lyndsey and Gráinne at the beginning were the ones I had been thinking about since I got pregnant. This would be my 5th attempt to try and see Gráinne – we had planned that I would try to get over in each trimester of pregnancy but it never worked out and I was gutted. I didn’t actually believe this one was happening until I boarded the plane.

I was as nervous, if not more nervous before this appointment. It’s one thing to be measured by someone’s hands which is completely relative to their size; it’s an entirely different thing to be measured by ultrasound. Those numbers are stark and there is nowhere to hide. I had the feeling the ultrasound would either confirm what Lyndsey and I felt (11 fw plus) or potentially worse. There were also the other muscles to consider – would there be atrophy and if so, how bad would it be?

We had arranged a team consult while I was over but I arrived early enough that Gráinne was able to do an assessment prior to joining online. She actually found there had been an improvement in the gap at rest – I had gone from 11 fw at the widest point to 8 fw. Mental. That part is still sinking in now, a week down the line. I really couldn’t and still can’t believe it. 3 fw might seem like nothing. Indeed, some women are lucky enough that that is the extent of their gap. However, when you have a gap as wide as mine, 3fw in less than one month is bloody brilliant. I barely came down 3 fw in 8 MONTHS last time!!! We’re talking a matter of weeks and it’s improved. It’s mind blowing. She also found the tension had improved – she wasn’t able to sink down as far where Lyndsey and I did. The tension was a big thing for me last time – it took ages for that to improve, so again, any small improvement this early on is a win.

The consult was awesome. I genuinely think the world of my team. I cannot praise them enough, and I couldn’t hold them in any higher regard than I already do. It’s much more than a physio/patient relationship to me; I count them as friends. Plenty of banter, plenty taking the mick and endless support from three incredible, lovely people.

I probably did at least 50 head lifts in that consult and a few other things. I ‘flexed’ a good 10 times, did numerous double leg lifts with a crunch, loads of pelvic floor contractions and an objective test holding one position for as long as possible. By the end (about an hour and half later) it was obvious I was starting to fatigue.

Practically the whole time, I was probably grinning (not that you could tell behind my mask). The linea alba was bright and thick at certain places which is a great sign. The muscles were not atrophied, they were a lot stronger than anticipated and the comment was made a few times that I had decent abs. It’s like the iceberg analogy – you really can’t tell what’s happening underneath. My tummy may be the first thing people see and may not look normal, but my work is paying off where it counts. The rectus was barely anchoring like it was when I was over the first time in July, telling me that I was generating tension enough that it didn’t need to anchor. Even more surprising, was that my physios actually COULD see an aesthetic change in my tummy. Slight though it undoubtedly is, that may be the biggest achievement, even if I couldn’t quite see it myself.

There were a few times I was asked how I felt. I couldn’t really put it into words. I was shocked, delighted and in complete disbelief. Antony told me I had been working my ass off, the implication being that I shouldn’t be surprised. I pointed out I worked my ass off last time and didn’t necessarily get the improvements as quickly. He agreed and even though someone could work as hard, it won’t necessarily translate to the same result. From that perspective, I’m definitely lucky.

After the consult Gráinne and I ran through some exercises I wanted to double check – press-ups and side plank with a balloon. I was delighted when she said I could progress back to full-press-ups. I need to get cracking with these to help with the goals and I’ll need to keep building my strength and start to improve my technique again – over 9 months out I’m definitely going to need to work on these!

I was completely exhausted after the consult – once again as much as I was physically exhausted, the emotional and mental exhaustion was more telling. I had to wait 9 months since my last in person consult with Gráinne and the fact that so much had improved that I hadn’t expected was pretty overwhelming. They were delighted and I was buzzing. As always, there was stuff I didn’t quite understand, but the consult was recorded so I would be able to watch it back. The only thing I will say is, it felt like it passed too quickly. You look forward to something for weeks or even months and it feels like you blink and it’s done. I quite often feel like that after physio consults: the high is often followed by a flat feeling because it’s over.

Having watched the consult back, there are definitely parts I didn’t take in at the time and some of it is still sinking in. It’s become very clear that although I want to make the changes I did last time, this time is going to be VERY different. For a start, I need to keep reminding myself that I hadn’t even been seen by a physio at this stage last time. I’m already making pretty significant progress, and at this stage in 2019, I hadn’t even had my first appointment; that’s just crazy!

I shared a quote recently that said: “Recovery is the only high that keeps getting better as you do it.” It wasn’t until after I posted it that my husband pointed out it probably was to do with alcohol or drug rehabilitation. I was pretty mortified but only for a minute. Even if he’s right, that quote still fits my situation perfectly. That’s why I was addicted to the progress the first time. That’s why I worked to the point I did, 6 days a week for a couple of hours at a time. That’s why I never did burn out. The feeling got better with every bit of progress – aesthetic or functional – it’s a high of your own making; a culmination of all the hard work, all the persistence and consistency. I want that again this time.

This time I’m obviously working towards surgery. Here’s a goal I haven’t really shared before now: when my surgeon opens me up, I want them to think my muscles are strong, and for it to be obvious that I’ve worked my ass off. If that happens, then I know I’ve done everything right.

The rate of progress in terms of what I’m already doing in rehab is still playing on my mind. I have mentioned before that everything I am doing is individual to me. It is no doubt the result of what I did before, and during pregnancy, that I am able to progress in this way without any detrimental effects, and maybe it’s down to the way my body is and how it copes. Being judged is not the problem – people are entitled to their opinion and to be frank, there are only three opinions that truly matter to me. I take that risk by sharing this journey and making everything public. The reward of being able to share something that might just raise more awareness, or might just help one other person, is far greater than the risk of offending someone – you can’t please everyone at the end of the day. What makes me uncomfortable is the thought that this is setting some sort of precedent for others. I actually considered not sharing what I was doing in rehab because of the rate I was starting to progress. I would like to think that people do not just go out and copy what I’m doing without seeing a physio, but there are no guarantees. So, once again, if you are reading this as a person with diastasis, please seek help from a pelvic health physio before attempting any of the exercises you see on social media and the internet (including mine). Everyone is different and the body copes in different ways – you need to find the exercises that work for you and you alone.

I made the decision to keep sharing thanks to my team. We’ve all discussed the possibility that some people and some physios might be a bit shocked at what we’re doing, but we all agree the benefit that sharing can bring will be greater. While people have been curious, I personally have received nothing but support throughout this from everyone who is following the journey. I am still blown away by the number of physios who are recommending their patients to my page - I couldn’t think of a better compliment. I cannot say how much it means to have received so many messages telling me how I’ve inspired someone. All the remarks and looks and comments on how I look pregnant are worth it to hear something I have posted has resonated or motivated someone. That is incredible and that beats the high of progressing hands down every time. So, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank every single one of you following along. It blows my mind that what started as something so personal and felt so disheartening, is now (even in the smallest of ways) helping others.

“One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.”