#i am feeling so pathetic bc now i'm having intrusive thoughts of everything that's wrong with me. great.

[iturmom]

wishing i could lay my weary bones next to someone and hold each other. i've been so lonely lately and i can't reach out to anyone because frankly my life is a disaster and i don't want to burden anyone with my problems. it makes me feel so sick and irredeemable when the people i love worry about me. maybe that's why i've never really been one to reach out to people because i guess i know i have nothing to offer but disappointment and i don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone i love. and i don't really have any control over my life i'm literally almost homeless my life was stolen from me it's not my own anymore and i'm terrified of disappointing people in ways that i have no control over. yeah. i'm too unstable to let anyone in maybe i'm too unstable to be vulnerable. i mean in a lot of cases it's unsafe for me to be vulnerable but also like maybe emotional vulnerability is unsafe too bc i'm so unstable even intense negative emotions feel like they could potentially be unsafe.

and then to add insult to injury thinking and feeling these things make me feel irredeemable like what a cold unfeeling asshole to selfishly refuse to be vulnerable and then get upset when no one wants me lol the fact that i am too unstable for any kind of healthy social relationship makes me feel irredeemable. well if it isn't the consequences of lifelong conditioning to make me think nothing i can possibly do is right or good biting me in the ass.