#i am really living the /confronting and yelling at god/ fantasy through this character

[donnerpartyofone]

reasons my i am probably too sensitive to have anything to do with other people

including other people’s drama that has absolutely nothing to do with me

i started reading this person’s new webcomic on instagram a month or two ago, and what started out as a fun little time killer that i looked forward to every day has started making me so uncomfortable that i wish i’d never heard of it. it takes place right now, in an especially embattled US city, and it’s about the dysfunctional lives of a bunch of shallow millennials, set against the backdrop of an increasingly dangerous country in an unpredictable state of revolt. it’s solidly engaging, convincingly characterized, and rendered in a unique funny animal style; i wasn’t surprised to discover that it’s going to be published soon by the most reputable publisher of this sort of thing. at first, i was impressed by it because i thought the behavior and dialog of its insecure young people was so well observed. it felt like one of the only things of its kind that i’ve read, more or less about real people living right now, that was neither a broad ugly satire, nor a pretentious drama exaggerating the specialness of its characters. the other thing i liked about it was that while it was largely about their sex lives, it didn’t seem at all sexy to me. the artist has a kind of distorted, rough-hewn visual style that i thought put some emotional distance between the overheated state of the characters, and the real consequences of their decisions. then it all got weird.

the artist stuck a really long, graphic sex scene in the middle of story that made me think...oh, maybe i AM supposed to be getting off to this? that’s weird, this all seems really bad to me, like every character is just mindlessly, selfishly bent on destruction and not doing much to make me like them, and i’d been reading along thinking “god i’m SO GLAD i’m not in my 20s anymore and i don’t have to deal with people like this--or with the pressure to act like this, as if using sex to create drama and being ‘crazy’ is the ultimate thing a person can do with their life”--and then suddenly it felt like maybe the comic was actually some kind of celebration of this lifestyle, or at the very least it’s an intensely sentimental portrait of a time of life, and of types of people, that i cannot imagine feeling sentimental about. then something else happened that made the comic even MORE uncomfortable to read, somehow: it had been gaining traction at an amazing pace, with tons of people leaving comments to the tune of “noooo don’t do it!”, the way you would yell at someone in a horror movie not to go back for the cat, as each character made the worst possible personal choice in every daily installment. the “don’t go in there!” response seemed pretty natural to me, but then the artist stepped in and made this announcement threatening to stop doing the comic altogether if the readers wouldn’t stop criticizing the characters. pretty much everyone in the comments was like “???”. many apologized if their comments were offensive, although they had no idea what they could have said that was wrong; other people, who seemed more sure that they were the ones being accused, said that they thought you were SUPPOSED to feel critical of the characters’ obviously bad decisions. that was how i felt, and at that point i was just enormously glad that i never comment on shit online or get involved in any type of community shit, especially when the artist started explaining laboriously that all of the characters represent some facet of the artist themselves and so therefore none of them are meant to be seen in a bad light at all and they’re all meant to be loved unconditionally and if you find yourself thinking mean things about the characters then you are effectively shitting all over the artist as a person. a lot of readers fell all over themselves to be supportive, and i just thought...this isn’t something you should support, though. it sucks that the artist is feeling so sensitive, but they’re about to have a book out in the world where they won’t have any ability to threaten readers who are “reading it wrong” or having incorrect thoughts about it. i mean...life is full of uncomfortable experiences and people you can’t relate to, i really don’t think we should be promoting this hopeless sanitization of all experiences in which trigger warnings used to be something that protected traumatized people from being randomly confronted with traumatic material, and now they’re used to just make sure nobody ever has to hear anything they don’t like, ever. anyone who cares about this artist should be helping them understand that they cannot control how people read their book or how they feel about each character and story in it. or failing that, they should be encouraged to just turn off instagram comments. but because of all this drama, i found myself reading all the comments obsessively--something i did when the blowup first happened, because i couldn’t find anything in there that i thought was mean or offensive, which added to my uncomfortable fascination with the whole thing--and that’s when i spotted a comment where somebody asked the artist is this was a furry comic. i wish this didn’t blow my mind, but it kind of did. i mean, it’s a book where almost all the characters are animals, and they occasionally have a bunch of raunchy sex. i think that if you’re a furry, meaning you’re interested in that sort of thing, this book is completely available for you to enjoy however you want. but this person needed the artist to FORMALLY CATEGORIZE IT as a furry comic. what the fuck is the meaning of that? it struck me as something that people in fandoms do, where they need every single thing to be labeled to death in an intensive and intractable way like it was science, the Final Word on everything in the universe, and they like *argue with each other* about whether they’re *allowed* to ship certain characters together or imagine them doing specific things, which is something you would only worry about if you thought the topic represented a literal material reality that could be adversely affected by people’s improper thoughts. i mean imagine if you felt that way about your jerkoff fantasies about fictional characters? that your horny thoughts are up for debate by hundreds of people you don’t even know? imagine feeling like that about OTHER PEOPLE’S jerkoff fantasies, like it’s worth fighting over and trying to CONTROL? like holy fucking shit you guys, STOP IT. it would even be one thing to ask the artist if THEY were a furry, which may or may not be anybody’s business, but to ask whether interpreting the comic through a furry lens is ALLOWED is like...well, actually, maybe it’s exactly in line with the artist’s recently expressed attitude, that you’re forced to think of the book in exactly the way that they personally think about it, or else you should have your reading privileges revoked. so now i’m still reading the comic, sort of compulsively, because i’m a little addicted to the soap opera of it and i’m ALSO a little addicted to the soap opera of the artist battling the readers over finding the correct orthodoxy for reading the comic--there’s a particular guy i’ve become aware of in the comics community because he is always harassing people with this mix of really caustic sarcasm and really bitter political self-righteousness, and he was surely the main person who was being “mean” to the characters, and HE’S STILL DOING IT IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY, because i guess the artist would rather have problems with people than simply block them and eliminate them from the equation? but the whole entire thing is making me so uncomfortable i can hardly stand it. reading about like, dumb hot chicks with no self-control, and smug young shitheads who use the veil of progressiveness to hide or justify their predatory sexual behavior, and grownass adults who start drama with 20 year olds in order to feel relevant, AND being forced to know that the artist intends for me to embrace and adore all of this bad shit--like, people and things i left behind in real life, because it was all bad!--with ultimate love and compassion, or else they reserve the right to claim that they’re being personally attacked, has just become too much to take. it’s starting to make me feel sick. i really need to take the reigns on this thing. as much as the artist needs to forget about this control fantasy and stop being so precious about what they’re doing, i need to stop subjecting myself to something i find painful, embarrassing, and frankly creepy, if i ever wanna get back to a state where i have less to complain about.

tl;dr: stupid hipster is too sensitive to read a webcomic by a stupid hipster who is too sensitive for anyone to read their webcomic.

[spirit-of-vengeance]

7th ROTG anniversary. Time to get emotional.

I never written this down, but now I feel the need due to the intense nostalgia and the notice of how quickly time is fleeing. I have a tale to tell, I need to share my story about how this film changed my life. Warning: it's long.

Brief into: I believed in the Santa, Easter Bunny (I really wanted in the Toothfairy too and unfortunately never heard about Jack or Sandy) even when I was 10. (Which was considered pretty old to believe) I even got into an argument with my teacher in the 3rd grade because she said 'stop being childish, they aren't real' because I was excitedly whispering with my classmate about catching the Santa this year. A boy, who ironically looked exactly like Jack Frost began endlessly teasing me and calling me stupid for still thinking he's real. On the way back home with mom I confronted her about this, not giving up until she told me whenever he was right or not. Backed into a corner, she was forced to give up. I cried every day for weeks. The magic was ripped away from me.

Year 2012, December. I'm 11 and a victim of hardcore bullying since my whole life. Students, teachers and sometimes parents. To cheer me up, mom took me to the shopping center to watch a movie. We couldn't really decide & she saw a giant poster of North smiling at people. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said 'Let's watch that! ' I followed the direction of her finger and my face scrunched in malice "I am not watching a movie with the Santa. Its stupid. I'm a big girl, I want to watch a bloody action movie! " but she was unbending. She could bribe me into it with a large bowl of popcorn; I was still grumbling when the lights went out.

The change: first snowflakes, first notes of the piano worked like magic. I immediately shut up and wondered what actually happens here. Why is it so soothing? At the first few shots of the North Pole when North is working on the ice train, I jumped in my seat and I shit you not, I thought the Santa is actually getting murdered. My eyebrow rose higher when I realized that guy with the chainsaw and swords is the Santa. Unfortunately, I can't remember more first reactions; stress, depression, traumas really ruined my long term memory. It seems silly now, but I kept the last piece of popcorn what I was munching on during it, I still have it in a little jewel box; one of my sacred memories. The car ride back to home was quiet, I was staring out of the window my mind stirring with creativity.

Aftermath: 2013-2018; while my classmates were busy getting drunk, being a petty bitch, giving oral in the toilet, (yes. I am talking about elementary school.), getting laid, I was lost in a world of wonder. I learnt 60% of my English knowledge in 3 months with reading fanfiction. I browsed deviantart for hours and laughed my ass off at the hilarious, extremely well done fanarts.

I grew up on mostly Blackice videos I wasn't 100% aware what I'm actually seeing tho, I was exposed to gay ships from a young age and plot twist, nothing serious happened😀. My mental health wasn't shit because I saw the Bogeyman and the Winter spirit kiss.

I began talking to the Moon. I cried my pain to him. Sitting on my windowstill, debating whenever I should jump or not. My extraordinarily strong bond with my mom and this film were my only lifeline. I was making it through, in my own world. My imagination created wonderful sights, scenarios; at nights I was certain I can spot Sandy on his cloud, at Christmas North trying to push himself out of the chimney cussing, at Easter that enormous bunny running around, at winters mostly yelling at Jack 'get out of my country' because I'm a summer person, going to school on a chilly yet sunny autumn day and see Pitch standing on the edge of the misty forest.

I began to change, respond to the pressure from my bullies. My personality began to morph. See the wonder in everything; like North. There's hope and spite, don't dare to give up; like Bunny. Awaken and enjoy creativity; like Sandy. Shit on the rules and have a damn good time no matter what; like Jack. Cherish memories and friends; like Tooth. Be ruthless and stand up from the most brutal blows; like Pitch. And never forget, the Moon will always be there even when he's an antisocial dick and says nothing.

My aim, my dream was to write the sequel. When I was done I wanted to send it to William Joyce. I wrote 200+ pages, but unfortunately in Hungarian. I still don't know why I stopped, why I abandoned that plan.

I was looking for ROTG posters because I wanted to email them to my friend to show what I've been obsessed with. I was just lazily staring at a Pitch poster, realizing his V neck actually never closes - then my eyes crossed the date: November 21. I let out an ungodly shriek of disbelief and mirth. Mom rushed into the living room with terror and met with the sight of me screaming in ecstasy "RISE OF THE GUARDIANS CAME OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! "

Around 2016 I became really interested in this roleplay stuff and oh god I was terrible. Cindy Flame then was an always angry Mary sue but after years of practice, expanding she is a completely built, extremely complex character, flawed, strong, tragic and ruthless; divine yet oh so human. So I was making friends online, most of them failed, I think one of them committed suicide but that belongs to an another story.

I have been lurking Tumblr for 3 years? More? Because I had no idea how this site worked and I was shy because I thought my writing is not good enough I realize now I felt right. I admired blogs from afar, read their writing and falling deeper and deeper into this fandom.

Nearing present day: I actually came to Tumblr to pursue a friend of mine. I was borderline desperate because I've thought they are one of the last one in the fandom and it scared me. The fun thing is, I actually never interacted with them after making this blog. So I break this two year old spell and hi @kingofnxghtmares it's me, Jasmine😊 You don't have to answer/interact/or anything, I wanted to get everything off my chest and finally tagging you just felt right.

So now I'm on Tumblr. And I love every second it. I've found amazing friends, insanely dynamic muses, crack threads, angst, the chance to expand my muse even more and where I belong. So there I am, wondering where 7 years went. I've grown up (somewhat), and I'm glad I was protected from the 'disaster teenage years ', drinking, heartbreak, drugs, etc instead I grew up in a magical world interviewed with reality so closely; it became an escape place when reality became too heavy.

About ROTG & finale: masterpiece. The animation is insanely lifelike yet fantasy. Every tiny, microscopic detail is perfect, the characters, the storyline, the atmosphere original and capturing. The music is gut wrenching. Everything is absolutely, 200% on point. I don't think there ever will be an animated movie which can be better than Rise of the Guardians animation and/or storywise. No 'love is the answer ' movies can ever come close this iconic masterpiece no matter how they rip it off looking at Frozen 2😒

I watched it today (I have it in Spanish as well and I only can encourage everyone to watch it, the Spanish voice acting is, 100% in my opinion Pitch's bested Jude Law, damn that rich hiss of malice was incredible ) on my 18th birthday while cuddling with mom, laughing and heavy with nostalgia. I think I will remain in this fandom for a very long time, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go due to my deep emotional ties. I would like to thank everyone who were present in making this film, the artists who still keep this fandom alive, all of my friends, roleplay partners; thank you for brightening my childhood, giving me purpose and a place to belong.

To my all of my friends:

@paintbrushtheelf @muerte-rojo @nightmarinqs @mr-mansnoozie @gatekeeperoftheunderworld @50shadesofpitchblack @flossinspector @magicmiyeh

@black-equals-mysoul @nxghtlight @lindzem

I love all of you,

Jasmine

[valentinewheeler]

2018 Book Recap!

If you follow me on twitter you saw this already, but here’s my favorites I read this year.

They weren’t all 2018 releases, but they’re what hit my kindle/bookshelf and stood out! In reverse order, basically, of when I read them. Check out the list below - it’s a little eclectic.

The Good Neighbor: The Life and Works of Fred Rogers (Maxwell King) - My toddler is ALL ABOUT Mr. Rogers. Turns out he was just as wonderful in life as he was on TV. If you’ve got a small person in your life who loves him (or you were one), I recommend this deep dive into his life and legacy.

Blackfish City (Sam J. Miller) - This sat on my kindle for months before I opened it, but once I passed the first few chapters and got into the world, I blew through 90% in a day. Beautifully woven storytelling, deep worldbuilding. Infrastructure, plague, and culture clash: three things that win me instantly. PLUS a nonbinary POV character!!

A Conspiracy of Truths (Alex Rowland) - I hate unreliable narrators, and yet, here I am, in love with this book. I finished the audiobook (which is BEAUTIFULLY narrated!!) and actually yelled out loud when there wasn’t any more. WHAT A WORLD. Economics, legal drama, and grumpy characters: three more things I can’t resist in a novel.

A Duke by Default/A Princess in Theory (Alyssa Cole) - I hadn’t read much romance until this year, and I don’t know why because turns out I love it. Or at least, I love Alyssa Cole’s work. Both of these had great heroines and super fun supporting casts. I loved both of them equally. I want the next one immediately.

Witchmark (C.L. Polk) - Everyone said I’d love this. EVERYONE WAS RIGHT. Magic! Bikes! Social class based on a false meritocracy! MURDER! MAGIC-SCIENCE BLEND! REALLY FREAKY PAYOFF! Read it. You’re missing out if you don’t.

Spinning Silver (Naomi Novik) - Now, I’ve loved Naomi Novik’s work for about fifteen years. I knew I’d like this one. What I didn’t expect was to have to lie down for a few hours to contemplate it after reading it in one go. I love a main character who ISN’T traditionally sympathetic but you love anyway. Beautifully woven folklore and feeling.

Legend (and sequels) (Marie Lu) - I love YA dystopias with all my heart. This was such a great one. I loved the characters, I loved the setting, I loved seeing the broader world than is usually seen in a post-apocalyptic setting (how DO other governments handle the end of the old way??) Just a delightful read.

Fuzzy Nation (John Scalzi) - I tried to minimize my white men on my reading list this year, but Scalzi is always an exception. I LOVE the original work, and this is a beautiful update. But then, legal battles in space will always win me over. Love it just as much as HBP’s, which is a pretty high bar to cross.

Forest of a Thousand Lanterns (Julie C Dao) - This took me a while to get through, because it was so, I don’t know, filled with impending doom? This little book had such a dark, blood-soaked voice, and I love a fairytale retelling that DOESN’T go how you expect. Absolutely worth reading. Lush setting, high body count.

The Poet X (Elizabeth Acevedo) - If I had known this was all in verse, I wouldn’t have picked it up. So I’m really glad I didn’t know that. If that turns you off, listen to the audiobook. A phenomenal performance. What an immersive experience this book was. It’s stuck with me for months after reading.

The Book of the Unnamed Midwife (Meg Elison) - I love post-apocalyptic stories. This was a brutal one. Explores how different communities deal in the face of disaster, and not for the weak of stomach. But one of my favorite PA books of the year for sure. Bought the sequel and finished both in one day.

An Extraordinary Union/A Hope Divided (Alyssa Cole) - The other set of her books I devoured this year. The first slavery-era US romance I’ve read that didn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth. The way she builds her characters and their bonds is just SO #goals.

Orientalism (Edward Said) - I’ve been meaning to read this for a while, and I finally made it through this year. A little dated, maybe, but a dense brick of really interesting thinking and history. A classic for a reason!! The audiobook is GREAT.

Americanah (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie) - I love a character who is lying to herself! And I love a book where the backstory is meted out in drips and dabs. A dive into communities I know very little about, some of which are right around the corner from me. Ifemelu is a completely solid character, one that feels ABSOLUTELY real.

Trail of Lightning (Rebecca Roanhorse) - If you’ve read her short fiction, you know she’s a master. This lived up to it. Post-apocalyptic Navajo monsterhunters? Exactly as awesome as promised. The mythology and worldbuilding are perfection.

The Calculating Stars/The Fated Sky (Mary Robinette Kowal) - THESE BOOKS! I love alternate history, I love space, I love characters who confront prejudice within themselves and without! Every character makes SENSE, even when they’re awful! All the science feels absolutely real! I WANT TO GO TO SPACE

The Book of M (Peng Shepherd) - My goodness, I read a lot of post apocalyptic novels this year? This one has one of my personal fears - memory loss that can’t be stopped. Another great blend of science and maybe-magic and spirituality (?) and how humans cope with weird, horrifying, tragic things.

Alexander Hamilton (Ron Chernow) - I figured before seeing Hamilton I needed to read the book, and I’m really glad I did. Super engaging, with just the right blend of anecdote and data. After reading this I definitely annoyed my mother and my spouse during the whole musical by whispering trivia at them.

War Against All Puerto Ricans (Nelson Denis) - I’m ashamed to say I knew very little about the history of Puerto Rico. After reading this book, that really pisses me off. The US really did PR wrong, and continues to do so. A vital read for anyone interested in US history.

Cinder/Scarlet/Winter/Cress (Marissa Meyer) - Apparently people have been into these for years and I’m just hitting them now. Fun YA, a genre I’ve missed (I like all this hard-hitting, serious YA, but sometimes over the top silly is absolutely necessary!). Spouse and I enjoyed pointing out all the absurd fairy tale tropes.

Station Eleven (Emily St. John Mandel) - !!! I’m ALL ABOUT books that weave together multiple stories that you KNOW how to intersect somehow but you don’t know HOW IT WILL HAPPEN! Post apocalyptic, weaving stories over fifteen years, all connecting to the life of one guy as the apocalypse hits. GREAT.

All God’s Children Need Travelling Shoes (Maya Angelou) - Yes, I’m well past missing the boat here. But I’m catching up. My goodness, she’s a beautiful writer. And the period covered in the book is spellbinding and brutal and painful and gorgeous.

Cooking is Terrible (Misha Fletcher) - Okay, do you have like twelve minutes and four dollars to cook dinner every night? THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU. Easy recipes in non-threatening form, with going off-script absolutely encouraged. I read this start to finish and have been referring back FREQUENTLY as I cook.

Front Desk (Kelly Yang) - THE MIDDLE GRADE BOOK I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED. Oh, this was wonderful. I want to give this to every ten year old I know (which is actually none?). Mysteries! Racism! Badass middle schoolers! Intra-community problems! Three-dimensional characters! YES!

Edge of Nowhere (Felicia Davin) - SPACE ROMANCE! Teleportation! Cafe-owning lesbians! Sweet big stoic guy/small angry disaster guy romance (my FAVORITE KIND)! SPACE SPORTS! Space HEIST!!!! Alternate dimensions! YES.

Everything I Never Told You (Celeste Ng) - This one hurt. What real, beautiful, flawed, horrible characters. All their choices made sense in context, all their pain felt real, and I didn’t want to leave them when the book ended. Content warnings for child death. The 1970s have never felt so close.

Little Fires Everywhere (Celeste Ng) - I usually hate books that start at the end, but this one earned it. Disaster rich people are kind of my jam, especially when they have consequences. And again the characters were the stars. I felt like I knew everyone, and I loved them even when they were awful.

Into the Drowning Deep (Mira Grant) - I’m never going in the ocean again. Mermaids have been ruined forever. Terrifying. Great characters, some of whom die horribly. Scary scary unending horrorshow. But oh, what a way to go. Gory fun filled with great representation.

Uprooted (Naomi Novik) - I was so delighted by Spinning Silver I almost forgot that I loved this one NEARLY as much! Scary forest, plenty of fantasy/fairytale tropes turned on their heads. Disaster love interest. Competent, frustrated main character. A+.

The Beauty that Remains - There were a lot of dead friends books this year, and this was my favorite in the not-police-related category of those. Strangers whose lives weave together around the deaths of three people close to them all, and the band that brought them all closer. Gorgeous.

An Indigenous People’s History of the US (Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz) - Another one that’s absolutely vital in filling gaps in the history I’ve learned of this country. Engaging writing and strong voice. Didn’t give me any warm patriotic fuzzies, that is for sure.

Company Town (Madeline Ashby) - Floating future town! Unions! Murder! Loved it.

The Underground Railroad (Colson Whitehead) - I know the boat on this was a couple years ago, but what a chilling, brutal, beautiful book. The slight speculative element was just the perfect touch to give it a flavor of myth, if that makes sense. Steel yourself before reading.

River of Teeth (Sarah Gailey) - HIPPOS! IN THE MISSISSIPPI! This was a DELIGHT from start to finish. Leverage on HIPPOS in the Wild West?! YES PLEASE.

The Wanderers (Meg Howrey) - Astronauts on a simulated mission to Mars basically all break down, as does everyone around them. I adored this book. I loved the thousand POVs because each one was its own distinct voice. I loved the different ways everybody fell apart!

Infomocracy (Malka Older) - WORLDBUILDING!!!!!! Future elections, future political system, future tech, all brilliantly built. I need to read the sequels, but I haven’t managed to work up the brainpower I know they deserve!!! READ THIS if you like scifi political minutiae (I DO)

The Poppy War (RF Kuang) - The first half is Tamora Pierce, the second half is George RR Martin, but better. This was nothing like what I expected. Absolutely staggeringly, brutally beautiful. What a bold novel. Will buy anything else she ever writes sight unseen.

Warcross (Marie Lu) - This is what I wanted Ready Player One to be. Virtual reality gaming with real life consequences. References and fantastic characters. The sequel is just as good.

Zeroboxer (Fonda Lee) - BOXING IN SPACE! Secret science!! MYSTERIES!! All things I love.

Dread Nation (Justina Ireland) - GREAT. Zombies during the Civil War. A heroine who takes no shit and instead takes zombie heads off. COMBAT SCHOOLS. SUPER GREAT.

An Ember in the Ashes (Sabaa Tahir) - I didn’t expect to love this the way I did, but I devoured it, and the two sequels, each in about a day. This felt like all the best parts of old-school fantasy novels, the thick kind you shoved in your backpack in seventh grade, but BETTER. And I love a good Evil Roman!

Space Opera (Catherynne Valente) - Queen meets Hitchhiker’s Guide! This was a JOURNEY from start to finish, a glorious, absurd, delightful meditation on fame and Eurovision and what it means to be worthwhile and human and a person. YES.

The Broken Earth (NK Jemisin) - More like the BROKEN ME after reading these. Periapocalyptic fiction, absolutely 100% deserving every award and more. Content warning for very small child death brutally described, and more horrors. NK Jemisin goes HARD.

American Islamophobia (Khaled A Beydoun) - Could not put this down. I learned an astonishing amount, especially about the historical place of Islam, Muslims, and Islamophobia in the US. A hard read, but worth the work.

All the Birds in the Sky (Charlie Jane Anders) - Okay, I have to admit it, I have no idea what was going on in this book. But that didn’t stop me from loving it!! Witches and technology and animals and weird apocalyptic nonsense! DELIGHTFUL

Anger is a Gift (Mark Oshiro) - Another YA book that pulled no punches. What a phenomenal look into the way kids and communities of color move through the world, and how the world moves against them.

History is All You Left Me (Adam Silvera) - SO MANY DEAD FRIEND BOOKS THIS YEAR. A great use of the start at the middle, work both directions format, it covers both the time before the death of the MC’s ex and the fallout. I wept through most of it.

White Tears (Hari Kunzru) - Horror, and the villain is essentially appropriation. Very satisfying! The author’s love of music comes through. A nerdy, scary, millennial read.

Love, Hate and Other Filters (Samira Ahmed) - Loved this. Melded teen interpersonal drama, family expectations vs. dreams, and confronting the world and the way they see you all at once, woven together in a beautiful way.

A People’s History of the US (Howard Zinn) - Obviously this is great. I listened to the audiobook, narrated by his son. Sobbed through the child labor chapters. Cheered at the union chapters. Loved it.

Thornfruit/Nightvine/Shadebloom (Felicia Davin) - I LOVE WORLDBUILDING. This is a fantasy on a world that doesn’t turn, so night and day are DIRECTIONS, not times. SO COOL. And I adore the main character. Small Angry/Large Shy is the BEST ROMANCE TROPE. The magic and language is beautifully developed.

Tempests and Slaughter (Tamora Pierce) - Look. I’ll read a gonorrhea brochure if Tamora Pierce writes it. So you knew this would be on the list. But it earned its spot! I love Numair in the Daine series, and he’s a tiny ball of feelings in this. I need more.

Unfamiliar Fishes (Sara Vowell) - I’ve always been interested in Hawaiian history, and though this was a little light and memoir-y for my taste, it contained a shocking amount of information that went down easy in her light, friendly style. Absolutely worth the couple hours it’ll take you.

The Only Harmless Great Thing (Brooke Bolander) - Elephants! Memory! What it means to have value! What we owe other beings! Radium! Sharp and dark and deeper than it has any right to be.

[jetfuel-cantmeltsteelbeams]

“It’s Us” (Part 03)

Timeline: The First Court

Location: Dyatose Nightingale’s Personal Residence

Characters: Dyatose Nightengale, Karsyn Smithe

Song Used: None

Summary: Years after being sent away, Karsyn returns to force Night to see the truth.

The raven smiled at the woman he lay beside, grinning hard enough to cause an ache in both cheeks. She smiled back from the other side of the bed, propped up on her elbows with the sheet riding her lower back. Her brown hair fell in perfect waves. Perfect waves that he’d had knotted around his fist the night before.

Full lips parted to let a throaty giggle escape. “When my husband finally puts two and two together-”

Night cut her off with a booming laugh, eyebrows wagging at the thought. “Well let's hope he never does. Rhys is too good a Guardian for me to dismiss from the council without a proper vote.”

She rolled over onto her back, shameless against her nakedness. The raven growled, a playful sound that drew another chuckle from his partner, before rising to bury his face between her perfect-

The door to his bedroom swung open, and God lifted his face from the warm flesh of his companion to squint his eyes at the offending light that bled in. The brunette beside him jerked the sheets with a soft curse, turning her face away from the offender.

He thought her smart to do so until his eyes adjusted, and he met the gaze of the woman who stood there, still wearing a frozen smile like it was a mask that was slowly falling off.

-

Night shoved both feet into the legs of his pants, hopping in the light of the bedside lamp. They’d all stayed how they were for what felt like hours before she’d slowly closed the door behind her. But he’d heard her footsteps lead into the living room of his suite, not out the door with a slam.

She was waiting for him to join her. To confront him. 

So he’d pulled himself from the sheets and the busty brunette to snatch up last night’s jeans from their spot on the floor.

“Who was that?”

He couldn’t answer as he ripped open his dresser, fumbling around for a t-shirt. And even if he could, he wasn’t exactly sure how. Every word that came to mind was nothing more than a vapid lie he’d turned his back on when he’d sent her out of this house.

“Go home,” was all he left her with as he walked to the door, still jerking the long-sleeve thermal over his head.

He found her pacing in front of the fireplace, footfalls soundless on the white shag rug he’d had imported. Her hair was longer now, curled at the ends to just barely reach her hips. She’d grown taller, just by a few inches until the crown of her head reached his collar.

But it was her eyes that hit him like a physical blow. Those crystal blue hues pinned him, and Night felt his knees grow weak beneath their gaze. There was fire there, warmth and passion and rage so raw he could taste her fury in the air between them.

“What are you doing here?” The words left his lips before his senses could stop them. And like a match being struck, he saw the flames ignite behind her eyes.

Her lips curled back, and the mortal barred her teeth at God. “I came back for you.” Those words were thrown like bullets across the room, and he felt every one hit it’s mark. 

With a calm he didn’t feel, the raven slowly shook his head. Called to mind the very reasons he’d sent her away. “You shouldn’t have done that-”

“It’s us, Dy. It’s only ever been us.”

All those nights he’d laid awake, only entertaining his thoughts when the rest of the world slept. When she slept, just down the hall from him. The only person he wasn’t allowed to touch, and still the only fantasy he kept so hidden that only in the quiet hours of night would he entertain them. All the times he’d started to get up from his bed, going so far to place his feet on the floor, before stopping. “Karsyn, stop-”

He spotted it then, the slight tremble to her shoulders. The way her throat bobbed, as if emotion made it hard to swallow.  “I don’t care what they say, I don’t care what you say.” She was yelling now, nearly screaming her piece across the few feet that separated them. “It’s us- we’re the fantasy.”

“Karsyn.”

Her hand flew to her chest, laying over her heart. “I’m the hot-headed bitch who can’t shut up and you’re the asshole that doesn’t know how to be loved and I really don’t care about the ‘big picture’ thing outside of that.”

Silence from the raven, who could do nothing but watch as her hand flew out to gesture in his direction.

“You’re my two story house at the end of the cul-de-sac. You’re my two and a half kids. You’re my white picket fence, you bastard- don’t you get it?”

He stood there, watching as hot tears made tracks down her cheeks, red now from yelling. There was a tint to them, and when he looked closer he noticed the cosmetics she’d applied so subtly that he hadn’t spotted them before. 

She’d worn makeup for this. For him, for when he saw her again. 

“You’re my golden retriever we get for the kids but end up taking care of.”

Slowly, between heavy breaths, Karsyn lowered her hand. She glared up at him, seeing through his pretty face and power to the man underneath. “Because it’s us, Dy.” Her voice was softer now, as if she spoke the words for him and him alone. “It’s only ever been us for me. I’ve never known anything else in my life. And maybe that’s you, and maybe it’s not. But that whore in your bed isn’t your us. She isn’t your matching coffee mugs on the counter. She isn’t your slow morning wakeup kiss, or your dancing in the kitchen for no good reason, or even your favorite song on the radio.”

Night’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. He stood there, staring at the woman across the room, and struggled to swallow through the pain in his chest.

She blinked, and more tears fell despite the fire blazing in her eyes. He felt the heat from it, wondered if he’d burn. She stood before him in all of her imperfections, all of her brokeness, but somehow still fighting with a passion he’d never seen in all the years he’d been alive. 

Passion for him. For them, their future. For what she wanted. He knew, in that moment, that this woman was not the girl he’d sent away. This woman, a mortal woman, faced God with war in her eyes and refused to be sent off ever again. 

And he wasn’t sure if that realization lit his eyes or not, but she took a breath, shaky as it was, before speaking again with a courage that eluded even him. 

“She’s not your us, and I know that because I am. I,” her brows knotted together, as if what he felt in his chest was burning in hers as well, “am your laughing together when the lights go out. I am your popcorn and movie in bed on a Thursday night. I am yours and you are mine, what part of that isn’t getting through your big, ugly, stupid, bastard-” A sob took her words, but he was already moving. 

Wrapping her in his arms, feeling her wet face soak the front of his shirt as she shook, it felt like all the things she’d just yelled. He felt the rightness in his soul, the one he’d damned the second he’d sent her away. 

And God buried his face in her neck, tightening his grip until he felt her small body calm down. Only once the sobbing had slowed to chopped, short breaths against his shoulder, did he speak. 

“You are,” he mumbled against her skin. The answer to a question he’d never asked, never really knew quite how to word. The humanity he’d felt slowly slipping away, as if he cared less and less each day she’d been gone. The home he’d been searching for, after this long journey through life. “You are.”

For all of her fearlessness, for all of the fierceness in her heart and the passion in her eyes, he was hers. 

And she was his. 

[elissastillstands]

With thanks to @frxstguardian, for making me confront some hard choices.

1) Coke or Pepsi? Coke. My Atlanta upbringing shows. 2) Disney or Dreamworks? Dreamworks. 3) Coffee or tea? Coffee 4) Books or movies? Books. Every once in a while bargain books go on sale for 50 cents apiece at the local bookstore, and I go wild every time. 5) Windows or Mac? I used to disparage Macs, but then I paid for one and used it for years, and now it's my child and I'm intensely protective of it. 6) D.C. or Marvel? Marvel, but not the Avengers franchise. More specifically, X-Men and parts of Netflix's Defenders. 7) Xbox or PlayStation? I was never a video game player. 8) Night owl or early riser? Hooo boy, night owl. 9) Cards or chess? Cards. 10) Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate, the bitterer the better. Vanilla just isn't for me. 11) Vans or converse? Converse. 12) Fluff or angst? Why not both? With a smattering of philosophical and theological discussion on the side. 13) Beach or forest? Forest. 14) Dogs or cats? Neither - yes, yes, I don't like fluffy pets, I have no soul. 15) Clear skies or rain? Dramatic thunderstorms. 16) Cooking or eating out? I love cooking in theory and watch cooking shows for stress relief, but ramen and cart food, let's be real. 17) Spicy or mild food? As spicy as I can get it - I order all my food extra spicy and put extra chili sauce on everything. 18) Halloween/Samhain or Christmas/Yule? Halloween for sure, you get candy and excuse to wear costumes about in public. 19) Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? A little too cold would be preferable.   20) If you could have a superpower what would it be? Mind control. 21) Animation or live action? Live action. 22) Bath or shower? Shower. 23) Team Cap or team Ironman? How about....neither. #JeanGreyDidn'tDieForThis #MagnetoWasRight 24) Fantasy or sci-fi? Fantasy, always. 25) Do you have 3 or 4 favourite quotes if so what are they? Okay, so all of these are super melodramatic, but I still adore them, and they're perfect for captioning super melodramatic art. 

"I will be wild. I will be brutal. I will encircle you and conquer you. I will be more powerful than your boats and your swords and your blood lust. I will be inevitable." - Rachel Swirsky, "A Memory of Wind"

"Half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers. Real gods require blood." - Zora Neale Hurston, "Their Eyes Were Watching God"

26) YouTube or Netflix? YouTube, hah. 27) Harry Potter or Percy Jackson? Hhnnnngghhh. I have a lot of Mixed Feelings about both of these series, and they both have foundational places in my childhood. At the end of the day, for reasons of characterization and quality of representation (if not necessarily for plot cohesion), I'll go with Percy Jackson. I feel a much stronger connection to the characters, and the modern adaptation of demigods is a fun one. Side note, am I the only one who ships Silena and Clarisse? ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS, ANYONE? 28) When do you feel accomplished? Whenever I actually finish drawing/writing something. 29) Star Wars or Star Trek? Star Wars. 30) Paperback books or hardcover books? Paperback books are more transportable. 31) Rock or pop music? Pop 32) What is the most important thing in your life? Getting through college? Discovering myself? Not getting hit by cars when I cross streets? 33) Mountains or sea/ocean? Mountains. 34) How do you express yourself? Some visual art, overly florid prose, yelling in dead languages. 35) What’s the first book/film that really counted to you? Robin McKinley's The Hero and the Crown was the book that started it all, back in the fourth grade. It was my first high fantasy and my first warrior woman story, and McKinley's prose is gloriously wry and clean and resonating and one of the first models of my own fictional writing. It was the book that introduced me to high fantasy, which is still one of the loves of my life. I've read it so many times that the paperback copy I got fell apart, and I had to hunt down a new copy. 36) What’s your element (air, water, etc.)? Fire 37) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Florence or Rome. I am so hyped for study abroad. 38) If you had any job in the world, what would it be? Realistically, I want to be a classics teacher, either in secondary or post-secondary education. I sometimes toy with the idea of being an archivist or translator for the Vatican, but A) I lack the skill, B) I'm nonreligious, and C) I aggressively blaspheme. 39) If you were granted three wishes, what would they be? Probably for enough money to live comfortably, independently from my family, and then to defer the other two wishes to someone else. 40) If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Duck or crispy pork on rice. 41) What is your dream companion animal? A winged snake. 42) Do you think there is life on other planets in universe? I think there has to be. 43) What’s your strangest childhood memory? For over a month, a friend and I pretended to be from the moons of Europa. 44) What is your perfect breakfast? Runny eggs, crispy bacon, and some nice crusty bread. 45) What was the last movie you watched? Lars Von Trier's Medea and Pier Pasolini's Medea, for my classics in film class. They were both interesting, in very different ways. 

[tialovestelevision]

Restless

Epilogue! What is the cost of becoming Voltron Person? 1. Nothing but the Previously On before the credits. 2. “Guest starring Kristine Sutherland.” 3. Riley has to go get court martialled or something, but he’ll be okay. 4. Joyce just met Riley. Holding off on that seems like a good idea. Joyce disapproves. Xander got chick and British guy flicks, in addition to Apocalypse Now. 5. FBI Warning: Everyone is asleep. Cut to commercial. 6. I’ll be watching the dreams without much commentary here. I am glad to see Tara in Willow’s yet. And Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tara says they’ll find out about Willow. Willow is painting on Tara’s back… in Greek. Willow doesn’t want to leave, but she has to get to drama. But she mostly doesn’t want to leave because there’s a desert outside, and there’s something in the desert. Creeping. Miss Kitty Fantastico will protect her! Now she’s in the hallway, talking to Oz and Xander. Xander says she does spells with Tara. Then he talks about masturbating to fantasies about lesbian sex. Oz disapproves. Willow is in a production, and Riley is Cowboy Guy. Giles is the teacher. Harmony is there too. Everyone Willow knows is in the audience. So is the creepy thing in the desert. Giles says to hide, and Harmony is trying to eat him, and Willow keeps stepping on cues, and Riley is Cowboy Guy in Death of a Salesman. This fellow has made space for the cheese slices. Willow is in a corridor of curtains, and creepy music. Tara is there, though, and there’s a cowboy in Death of a Salesman and something’s wrong and something’s following her. Cowboy Guy is looking for a salesman. Tara says people are wondering about the real Willow, and if they find out she can’t help. Buffy chewed Riley out, and now Willow is being attacked by a thing with a knife. Buffy helped her out, and they’re creeping through a classroom. Willow is very seldom naughty. Buffy asks why Willow why she’s in costume. She took the outfit away, and now Willow is Season One Willow, and Tara and Oz and Anya and Xander are making fun of her. And now she’s being attacked by the creeping thing and nobody’s helping and something happened to her skin and now outside the dream she’s choking. 7. Xander wakes up, and they’re watching a war movie. He and Giles and and Buffy are, anyway. Buffy offers Xander some New Car Smell popcorn. Xander doesn’t need help to pee. Joyce is… my brain is rebooting. I will never be okay again. I will NEVER be okay again. Xander is a comfortadore. This is terrifying and I really dislike Joyce and Xander and every single hair on my arms is trying to escape. Xander’s using the bathroom now. And being watched by the Initiative. They are taking notes. He’ll find another bathroom. Now he’s in his basement, and something’s coming downstairs, but he didn’t order any vampires. The door is not the way out. The park is the way out. Spike and Giles are on swings while Buffy plays in the sand. Giles is going to teach Spike, who is like a son to him, to be a Watcher. Xander is watching Xander sell ice cream, because you have to move forward, like a shark. With feet. And less fins. And on land. Spike suggested that last bit. The sandbox is infinite, and the creeping thing is coming, and she called him big brother. Swinging is important to Watcher training, because a Watcher scoffs at gravity. Now our viewpoint Xander is ice cream Xander, and Anya’s in the truck with him. She’s thinking about getting back into vengeance. It’s going to be a big year for vengeance. Xander doesn’t want Anya to have a vengeance hobby. Willow and Tara are in sexy clothes and making out in the back of the truck. Their mouths don’t properly move when they talk. Xander is staring at them making out, and Tara invites him in the back with them. Huh. When people are going out of character to cater to his sexual fantasies, their lips don’t move. Now he’s back in the basement, and Willow and Tara aren’t, but the thing at the door is trying to get in still. That’s not the way out, Xander… god, I’m actually worried for him. He knows what’s up there. The cheese will not protect him. The dor just gave out… it’s in the basement. Xander is in the high school corridor, being stalked by the creature. He found Giles. Everything is green-tinted. The thing after him is because of what they did. They’re giving him important instructions in badly-dubbed French, and now he’s in the war movie. Kneeling on the ground. “Where are you from, Harris?” There’s a guy… it’s Snyder! Snyder’s Martin Sheen! Xander is glad he got eaten by a snake. He’s supposed to meet Tara, Willow, and Joyce, but time is running out. He’s trying to get away because he can’t fight the thing. This scene is amazing. I love Armin Shimmerman. Now Xander’s at Giles’s house. The creature is there, and Giles and Anya and Buffy are figuring out what to do about Willow. Now he’s in the dorm. Buffy’s dorm. Into the closet to escape. Through the tunnels. Back to the basement. The door isn’t the way out. His father is there. Yelling at him. His father is scarier than the thing chasing him. His father is pulling his heart out. The person - it’s a person! - chasing them is pulling his heart out. 8. Giles’s dream. He’s hypnotizing Buffy. She’s laughing. Now there’s a glowy elephant hedge and Buffy is his daughter and they’re with Olivia. She’s throwing water balloons at a vampire, and she hit it with one. She gets cotton candy. Which is mud on her face. Spike has garden gnomes in front of his crypt. Olivia is crying, and Spike is being a sideshow freak. Spike called him Rupes. The guy wears the cheese. It does not wear him. Cheese guy is appalling. Giles is at the Bronze. It’s time for research. Willow and Xander are there, and Xander has a chest wound. Anya is terrible on stage, but also very Anya. This is his fault. Giles has a gig. It was the duck and not the man that spoke. Willow called him Rupert. He’s singing about what’s going on. Warrior beast. Giles has to warn Buffy. Giles is following the wire from his mic to the back, crawling. Found a huge wire tangle. The watch he was using earlier. The warrior never had a Watcher. 9. Buffy being woken up in her bed by Anya. Anya’s in Willow’s bed. Now Buffy’s at Joyce’s house in the bed she and Faith made. It’s a mess. Tara’s there to talk to her. They don’t know who the bed’s for. Her friends need her to find them. The clock is wrong. Tara is giving her a tarot card, and the bed is made. Buffy’s going to go find the others. “Be back before dawn.” Buffy’s at the university, looking for her friends. There’s a hole in the wall. Joyce is inside the hole, living in the walls. She’s fine there. It’s dirty in there. She made lemonade and is learning mahjong. A mouse is playing with her knees. Buffy could break through the wall, but she’s looking for her friends instead. She found Riley at a table. He’s Surgeon General. They’re drawing up a plan for world domintion with coffee makers. There’s a gun on the table. Adam - human Adam - is at the table. The warrior is following Buffy. The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives. Riley and Adam are going to make a pillow fort. Buffy has weapons. Or mud. There’s mud in her weapon bag. And on her hands. And now on her face. Riley is back. He’s decided Buffy is on her own. Now she’s in a dress and sandals, walking on sand. No more mud. She’s in the desert. She won’t find her friends there, but Tara is there, telling her that’s why she’s there. Tara is speaking for the warrior. The warrior is looking at Buffy. She has no speech or name. She is the first Slayer. Cheese guy shows up; Buffy decides to wake up, but the first Slayer attacks. Now Buffy is in the living room, working on getting up, and being attacked by the Slayer. The stabbing isn’t working. She’s going to ignore the Slayer. Now she’s awake, and so’s everyone else, and they’re very confused. 10. Clean-up plot stuff. Overall: Well, that was foreshadowy! Also very good. There’s a lot to break down. First off: The franchise is now up to three major characters of color. Kendra, who is awesome but is killed off after appearing in like four episodes, Mr. Trick, who is a vampire who is amazing in and of himself but also reminiscent of 80s racist stereotype wrestler/manager character Slick, and now the First Slayer, who is a savage killing machine explicitly denied a voice by the narrative. The First Slayer SHOULD be of African descent, but the franchise needs a few people of color who aren’t there to get killed off or victimized to advance a white person’s story as well. Right now, it has none, and that’s a very bad thing. As for the rest… this episode is amazing. It belongs in a pantheon of the best Buffy episodes with “Amends” and “Hush,” because it is just that good. I love basically everything about it - the individual dreams, the running thread with the First Slayer, the play with Riley as Cowboy Guy and people talking about Willow being in costume, Xander’s weird sexual fantasies and his own subconscious being aware how out of character they have everyone acting, Giles singing about figuring out the plot, Buffy meeting Adam’s human self (by the by, how much more interesting could Adam have been had they played THAT up?), cheese guy, Buffy’s confrontation with the First Slayer… all of it. This was really great, and bookends Season 4 nicely. It did what Season 4’s actual season arcs failed to do - made me want to watch more Buffy. But I get to do the ending of Angel season 1 instead, so time to start that!