#i can't fix myself in four days and then write a research paper. i might as well move to iceland and become a hermit or kill myself while
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i seriously wrote down instructions for today and like encouragement and everything (to combat the voice in my head) and set alarms and put timers on the apps or deleted them and then i just failed to implement it all or keep to schedule or control myself in any way
#there's something wrong with me and i don't know what it is and my life as i know it is nearing its end#because i'm not enough for this :/// i got a second chance and still i'm not enough#and i try not to despair or to move forward and it's like there's no floor in front of me#like the baby in the psychological experiment. i can't crawl forward i can't mommy save me.#i feel like such a wreck. at my big age#now i know i'm only like one fourth into my life (third if i'm not lucky) and there's probably decades more to go but i already feel like#i can't do this#like i've run out of options and it's finally over. crash and burn like i always expected.. a slower process than that but crash and burn#i can't fix myself in four days and then write a research paper. i might as well move to iceland and become a hermit or kill myself while#looking at one of their cool volcanoes#or throw myself in! that could be fun#anyway it's whatever i'll just fail this course and break my own heart and spirit and then become a worse version of myself and turn into#my dad or something#kata.txt
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