#i chose Faith in his Stranger mostly because loyalty means SO MUCH to me

[nikky-the-writer]

The verdict

Son of Ragnar x Reader

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Masterlist

Summary: AU

Reader is a Goddess and one of Odins best warriors, but when something bad happens, she is forced to run away.

Warning: blood, cursing

You could feel it, you didn’t belong in the place where you were now. Not even opening your eyes you knew that you were still trapped in the place which took a lot from you. It wasn’t your first time on Midgard, but you swore to your late mother that it was the last time, but now you were there again. Practically banished from your home. You knew that you had to open your eyes at one point. Trying to convince yourself that it was all an illusion was too foolish for you to even think about it. Tracing the wound on your head with the tip of your index finger you knew that somebody took you. Somebody helped you, but the main question on your mind wasn’t who, but why. Why would anyone do that for a complete stranger? Not feeling your necklace you realized, probably somebody who wanted something from you.

Opening your eyes you were met with a dime light of a small wooden home. Getting up you winced in pain. ˝You should rest.˝ Looking at the source of the voice you were met with a woman. Her dirty blond hair reached to her hips slightly decorated with flowers. ˝Where is it?˝ You whispered through your teeth trying to sustain the pain. ˝What?˝ ˝My necklace!˝ She stepped back as you yelled. ˝Calm down, it’s here somewhere. He put it….˝ She was going through your clothes that were placed on the table, but it seemed that she couldn’t find it. ˝Who? Who brought me here?˝ ˝Floki˝, she said loud enough for you to hear still searching. ˝Floki...Where is he?˝ ˝On the pier, outside.˝ She pointed with her hand towards the door. Walking past her you silently cursed as the rough fabric was scraping your skin. You didn’t remember to ask her for her name not sure if you had already met her. She did seem nice, but that compelled you the last time, you spent half of your life regretting that. Stepping outside you were met with fresh air. Breathing deeply you relaxed smelling the nature. You could even taste the salt in the air as you were getting closer to the man on the pier. You could hear his whispers like he was praying so you decided to speak up. ˝You should know that they don’t listen.˝ ˝What?˝ ˝They do not listen for your requests, Gods only search for compliments.˝ As he stood up you noticed that he was holding your stone in his hand. ˝I wasn’t requesting anything. I was being grateful.˝ He moved closer to you. The skin around his eyes was black, it remained you of the dried blood after a battle. ˝Why am I here?˝ ˝You know why.˝ He said pointing a finger at you smiling. ˝No, I don’t.˝ You didn’t know what he knew so you tried to be cautious. ˝You do. Before you passed out you saw me Y/N. You said my name.˝ He sat down on the wood placed by the little cabin and you followed doing the same. ˝I am grateful to the Gods because they brought you back.  They brought you back to u..to me.˝ He caught himself almost forgetting about the faith of his friend. ˝Ragnar is...˝ ˝I know.˝ You cut him off, not wanting to hear those words, it was enough for you to see it. ˝Don’t get me wrong….˝ He licked his bottom lip turning to face you. ˝...I...I couldn’t be happier but how can you look the same? How can you be here?˝ ˝It’s complicated.˝ ˝Is it really? Is it as complicated as the reason because of which you just disappeared? I’m ashamed to admit, but he was the one who held onto you longer than I did. You were our friend. He searched for you for so long, but the winters were passing by and he was losing hope. How could you do that to him, to us?˝ It surprised you that the whole time he was talking he didn’t let his emotions to be seen on his face. Although, you didn't miss the anger in his eyes,  mostly regret and you didn’t know about what exactly. ˝You wouldn’t believe, no matter how strong your faith is.˝ ˝But I do, I believe in who you are. I know, I just know. You are his daughter. Tell me am I wrong. You are a Goddess˝ You stayed silent and that was his answer. The smile returned to his face with enthusiasm. ˝ Ragnar thought that I was crazy. He couldn’t understand it, but I could feel it, I just knew it.˝ ˝But how did you know?˝ ˝Just as yesterday before I saw you there was light. Light that only Gods can create.˝ As you were staring at him, at the flame in his eyes the guilt started to consume you and your heart was betraying you. Once he was your friend, just as Ragnar, but you lied to them just as you blamed them for what happened in your absence from Asgard. You were at Midgard when you should’ve been home and everything that happened on Asgard during that time made you resentful towards every living creature on Midgard. ˝He was killed because of me˝ The smile on Floki’s face disappeared instantly. He knew about whom you were talking about and that’s why he got up creating distance between you. A Million thoughts went through his head as he heard you saying those words. He couldn’t understand if you were confessing to him that you were a traitor or that he died for you. Because just as he found you, maybe Ragnar also did, he was gone for so many years. ˝You pray to Odin, to the all mighty father. To the one that controls everything. The thing is he doesn’t just control everything, he controls everyone. Your every victory, every death, every birth. Just as he destroyed Ragnar. He favored him for a while. He made sure that he would come to the top sending his own warriors to him, just as he send me then. But he wasn’t with him at the end. I couldn’t let Ragnar kill himself or to just die as no one. When the time came, he could already see the golden gates before him, but I closed them.˝ ˝You didn’t let him to Valhalla...˝ He murmured in disbelief. ˝He dishonored himself and his family, he didn't deserve to be there, so I fixed it. He died with a meaning and now he feasts with my friends and my mother.˝ ˝Why do you resent Odin? ˝ ˝Do you know what is associated with me as a Goddess?˝ ˝Of course...˝ He played with the stone putting it in the air catching the rays of the sun. ˝….death and magic are not strangers to you.˝ You could hear bitterns in his voice as he mentioned death, probably because of the death of his daughter. ˝But I cannot bring the dead back to life as much as I would like to. I can’t do it.˝ Placing your hand in his he looked in your eyes. ˝Ragnar told me about your daughter….Angrboda….˝ You whispered not wanting to bring him pain, but he had to know. ˝I didn’t took her. I do not choose which Midgardian will die. I can kill them, but I don’t. I do not play games, I’m a warrior not a bystander. I kill with my hands, with my sword.˝ ˝That doesn't change what happened.˝ ˝No, it doesn’t Floki, but you have to embrace it. She is safe now, far from the harm, just as Ragnar.˝ ˝I hope.˝ His voice was silent. He seemed different than before. Seeing that he was still thinking about his daughter you tried to move his thoughts on the other subject. ˝That woman inside is she the one who I think she is?˝ ˝Helga.˝ ˝I don’t believe you. You were so entranced by her, I’m happy that you made it work.˝ ˝She is responsible for that.˝ He smiled lightly which brought a smile on your face. ˝You know that Ragnar has sons. You were really close to him maybe...˝ ˝What?!˝ You didn’t even realize that your voice was higher than before. ˝What?˝ He looked confused and seeing your confusion made him even more confused so he decided to finish saying: ˝You could find some comfort inside them. They are ….well some of them are at least slightly like him. If you merge all of their personalities together I think that you would find Ragnar’s.˝ ˝Is his eldest son at least the half of the king that Ragnar was before he left?˝ ˝All of his sons are princes.˝ ˝So his wife is a queen, then?˝ You asked curiously because to be honest after you took Ragnar with you even before that, you decided not to look at Midgard anymore. So whenever you would go to see Heimdall you would be conflicted, wanting to know what was happening, but also trying to let go. ˝She is dead.˝ ˝Alright, if his sons are still princes, who is on the throne. If there are no volunteers I could do it. I could take a break from being a warrior because at the moment I’m not ready to fight.˝ ˝So what, you would be a queen for a week?˝ Floki asked not able to control his giggles. ˝A week? No, you old man. I need just a few days and I will be like new. I didn’t say that I would be a queen for a long time, I’m just curious, I have never really sat on the throne. I had a chance, but I never took it. My father told me once when you taste that kind of power you are never able to let it go. You would always be hungry for more and that’s why I never did it. I never put myself in the place to want something because then nobody can manipulate you.˝ You smiled sadly and Floki noticed. ˝What happened to you?˝ ˝When you think that you have nothing to lose you actually have, you are not even aware of it. I thought that if I never craved for something, there won’t be anything that I’ll need, but I was wrong. I had a lot to lose. I lost my mother and then my father was taken from me, I thought after everything at least I have loyalty left and I was wrong. I’m here because I’m wanted dead. First time in my life I have nothing.˝ ˝You have me, you have Helga and you could always have Ragnar’s sons beside you if you chose that.˝ Floki put a hand around your shoulders and you two stayed like that until the sun started to decent on the horizon. He was right that you had him, but you were conflicted because you didn’t want to stay on Midgard, on the place where everyone is Odin’s pawn with the exception of few.

˝Are you sure about this?˝ You asked for a thousand time as you were handed one of Helga’s dresses. ˝Yeah, you should meet them and see how Kattegat changed.˝ Floki was persistent. You said that you would like to know what kind of men has Ragnar’s sons grown up. After you declined his offer of telling you exactly who they were, Floki said that you should go to the Great hall. He explained to you that there will be a feast and you didn’t know what to say. You were fearless, but you hated crowds of people that you didn’t know. On Asgard, you felt most comfortable with those among who you fought. You could be manipulative like your father, but you never were because you refused to pretend that you were someone that you weren’t and your father told you that one day that will get you killed.

A/N: Thank you for reading!! Tell me if you want to be added or removed from the tag list

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[nathalieofearth]

Chapter 3: The Start of Self Destruction.

During the early days, I remember getting to know him. I first met him one fateful day at TGI Fridays. Yeah, not incredibly romantic, but of all the times, I was dating Odin for a little while now and this was one of the first times we hung out with our mutual friends as a couple. I had not met Sir Lancelot yet but when I finally sat down at a large table, he happened to sit next to me that night. We were introduced and conversed the whole evening, laughing and having a great night with what seemed like just the two of us. Now, it may have been that Odin was too excited to have friends to talk to about his video games but in this brief evening, it seemed that the world revolved around us, and I knew that this would be the beginning of something new.

Over the next few times we hung out, I got to know Sir Lancelot better. It seemed that he was in and out of relationships quite often, but he certainly was a charmer. One evening while out at a bar, Sir Lancelot kept me company the whole night while Odin was off getting drunk. He didn’t seem to notice that Sir Lancelot never left my side that night. However, he must have noticed the sadness my eyes gave away. I could feel his intense gaze look into my soul like it was piercing the walls and chains I had built and saw my naked, true self. I noticed that in this one moment, the whole world silenced for a minute, and it became another deeply intimate moment in a crowd of belligerents and strangers.

It’s strange, isn’t it? During these months, I felt so sure and secure in my relationship with Odin that it didn’t occur to me that I might have gained feelings for Sir Lancelot. I kept thinking that I was dreaming that Sir Lancelot would really care about my happiness. I was happy, wasn’t I? Odin was taking care of me, providing me with a place to live, placing food on the table and making sure I was doing everything I could to get a job. However, during these trying months, I was unemployed and was still awaiting my fate to go back to school. So basically, I had nothing to do in my little prison. I was bored and didn’t have much money to go out. In these times, it felt like Sir Lancelot was a breath of fresh air, a reprieve of my loneliness, and even more so, someone willing to listen to my stories. It began innocently enough, until that one fateful night I decided to act on my inhibitions. The fire inside me was building and I needed a release, a way to let my passions come crashing through, unbridled and fierce. I was willing to risk everything on this chance that Sir Lancelot might feel the same way. But instead of that moment being as satisfying as it should have been, I felt even more scarce, yearning for water in a boundless desert.

The kiss didn’t leave my lips for days. I would rub gently against it and close my eyes, wondering if that would be the last day I would ever get to kiss those lips again. When I went to sleep at night, I would be standing in front of that hotel door, looking up at his intense gaze and still not trying to look at his shirtless torso. I was becoming desperate for his touch again, or anything to get closer to him.

I am left with a sense of wanting I haven’t felt for a long time. How do I handle it? What can I do, especially me being in a relationship with Odin at this point for almost 8 months? I feel that maybe it’s an infatuation, a simple crush, that maybe what I really yearn for is attention. Or maybe, just maybe, it could be a soul-crushing feeling that I wasn’t happy in my situation. It’s been almost 8 months since my last job too, so things weren’t really looking up at this point. Could this really be fair to any one of these guys? I find myself unsure and trying to find a starting point of when I started feeling this way. It began at some point in the previous year, when I was still between my feelings for Odin and Quetzalcoatl. But only now, after this incident, I feel that this only serves to torture me, to continue to question my loyalty to Odin and of course, my sanity. This lustful, yearning wanting of a man I cannot have, who almost certainly does not want a relationship with me, and me, in an unhappy situation and with a man who does not appreciate what he has. Yet, the irony is that I don’t seem to being happier when I’m single; I like being in relationship, being loved and wanted. Or could it be as simple as that I just don’t know what I want: the struggle of any woman trying to find her place in the world.

Also, it could be that I don’t like being committed in a relationship. After all, I’ve been in and out of relationships since I started dating and I’ve never had a serious relationship like the one I currently have with Odin. Maybe this crush could be what I need to take the edge off my life, something that could have the potential to make me happy, however brief. Could the start of this be the end of me, the end of everything I know about myself? It sure seems like a dark path to take, betraying the love and trust of a man who does love me, albeit in his own way. This also has the potential to change me for the better, regardless of how self-destructive it could be.

From what I’ve seen, Sir Lancelot does like the attention, and there could be an attraction to me. What does he see when his intense eyes fall on me? That will always be on my mind. I mean, after all, Sir Lancelot is an old friend of Odin, and his loyalty could be to him and not towards me. There’s always been hints or comments made to me in the past where I’ve questioned his intentions towards me. He could have just made these general comments about what he likes in women, but oddly enough, he would always mention them when I was around. It could just be a mere coincidence, or me just taking things out of context, like I always do. But I would always “poke the bear,” so to speak, as I would usually reply with a provocative response or make flirtatious comments towards him. One particular time he flat out told me how sexy it was for a woman to be dominant, like a femme fatale. This brought about the idea of mine of to research everything I knew about femme fatales, yet I already knew that the way my confidence oozed out of me made me at least somewhat attractive to him.

In many ways, even after knowing him for a while and dating other men, I never have lost my attraction towards him. I’ve always felt that I was never really a woman he would be with because I had seen him with different girls and the key word here is girls. I was a woman in my own right and he chose little girls that were immature, full of insecurities and a demure appearance. In essence, these girls were nothing like me. Granted, I’m biased and I could quite possibly fit the description, but the fire burning within my soul, this long revered self-confidence and the embodiment of perseverance cannot match with girls still trying to grow into their own being, when I had long since conquered who I was and was proud to show everyone my being.

I grew anxious at the thought that he might somehow want to be with me. I built him up inside my head to be this perfect knight, when the reality was; he was full of flaws and insecurities himself. I could see them, see the core of his soul, barred naked whenever we would talk and to me, as time passed, he was nothing like I pictured him to be. At this point, my devotion as a faithful and loving girlfriend was the only thing I could hold on to, but I felt like a bird caged, longing to be free from Odin’s dependence. I saw all the choices I had in front of me like a hand of cards and Odin held the Ace. However, I promised myself that if Sir Lancelot would grant me some form of happiness, I would relinquish my Queen to him. In other words, I would let him hold my heart to safeguard. I would love him in my own way, just as he would love me, if he were to have me.

Around this time as well I faced other problems, mostly because I haunted by my past decisions of dating in the same circle of friends. Link, Odin, Sir Lancelot and Quetzalcoatl were all mutual friends and I could walk into any room they were in and know what they looked like naked. It brought both a sense of amusement and embarrassment every time we hung out together. But as a female knowing each one of them has had a little piece of my heart, it brought about a sadness that made me wonder, which one of them was the one that had the real piece to shape and heal my heart. I began feeling guilty that I had lingering thoughts about other men but at the same time, it brought me a sense of serenity knowing that I had made these past decisions and the wonder of possibilities ahead, which one of these men could bring me the longing of peace within my soul. No matter how you looked at it from the outside, I looked like the woman who played with men heart’s like toys, and just like Hester Prynne, I carried the adulterous “A” in a metaphorical sense across my chest. This heavy burden only brought me a deep, crushing loneliness in my soul that no man could bring me from.

The lingering thoughts of Sir Lancelot ran across my mind for weeks after that first kiss. I felt like I was on a euphoric cloud that no one could take me from. I carried that brief, intimate moment from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to sleep with my dreams. I would rub my lips every time I thought about it. I became obsessed with a kiss that serves only as a gentle reminder of the passion that I truly longed for in my heart. The thing I should have been more concerned with was a fiery passion that one should be careful with in order to avoid getting burned.

I finally got my chance to see Sir Lancelot again when a mutual friend of ours, Link, invited me to his house to hang out after picking him up from work. It is late June and there’s a storm coming, bad enough to make anyone stay at home. I thought it would just be a casual hangout, but as soon as I arrived, Sir Lancelot came over. I tried to act naturally, but inside, I was bursting with excitement. The pulse of my heart grew faster as the distance between us faded. My face lit up with energy and it spread around the room like a plague. Link, Sir Lancelot and I soon became enemies as we played on the video game console. We took turns, switching out controllers when the player lost. Eventually, Link became tired from working all day and decided to take a nap. Sir Lancelot and I had a moment alone and I couldn’t find any words to say to him. You could feel the tension in the room and cut it with a knife. But with his natural charm, he had me talking about everything and catching up with each other and by the time we had to say our goodbyes, I found it difficult to leave. Yet, I could not bear leaving things as they were, much less walk away from him without somehow getting near those lips again. Time became irrelevant and I was determined to get his kiss again. I lingered for as long as I could, Sir Lancelot giving no indication that he wanted me to stay or leave. So I finally mustered defeat, said goodbye and walked away…a heart-drenched goodbye that hurt in every physical and mental way. As I drive away, the more I dreaded in thinking that kiss was a solitary one and decided to give up my pursuit of Sir Lancelot.

On my drive home, not even five minutes after I had left, I decide to call him and let Sir Lancelot know how I really feel about him. Everything that had been boiling inside me was let out. He revealed his mutual feelings, much to my surprise and we agreed to meet up at fast-food restaurant, which was the half way between our two houses. He speaks hurriedly and out of breath, as if time is of the essence. From the manner that he spoke to me, it gave me a slight chance to hope that there could be something to his feelings towards me. When I arrived, he was already waiting. He rolls down the window and asks me to go in his car. I jump in the passenger seat and we try light conversation, like what voice actors we liked and my tattoos, to try to maintain some sense of sanity between us, since insanity seemed like the only thing to call this meet-up. He lingers now, asking me if I could stay a little longer. I curiously ask why and wait for his explanation. He said he wanted to kiss me, and for a moment, I thought I was dreaming. Would he really just say that to me after all this time, after fantasizing of this moment for so long? But my body responded for me, gesturing with my hands what he was waiting for to make his move.

But for a full minute, I realized I wasn’t imagining things. I’m sitting next to him, and before I could say anything else, he lets go of his self-control and lets his mouth do the talking. He kissed me, hard, as if he couldn’t hold back any longer. I didn’t mind it and let go of all my inhibitions. I kissed him back, holding him warmly and close to me as if I were to never let go. He’s holding me by my back and pushing me towards him. He goes for my neck and moves up and down my body, as if exploring every inch of it with his mouth. The intensity of the kiss is only heightened as my body yearns for some form of release from this madness and I breathe out a little yelp and try to focus on the moment. My mind was soaring but the underlying guilt of it all wrenched through me, eating away at my happiness. This brief moment becomes clear to me as he satisfies me with his comfort and his embrace. It’s become a feeling of oneness and desire of not being alone. He kisses me with hunger, as if he needs me and my body reciprocates by letting it do the talking. I become overwhelmed with emotions that I came close to getting an orgasm, so I push him away from me so I can grab a breath of fresh air.

The windows have become foggy from the exhaling of our breaths, but I grab him and push him towards me again so I didn’t have to go back to the reality that faced me. My legs become numb at this point, and all I could feel is the center of my being increasing with every pulse, as if his kissing would release everything I was holding back. We become intertwined within each other and I just wanted to scream because I wanted more. I scratch his back, give him kisses between his face and ears, and he squeezes me even more tightly as if he had become the corset wrapping my body. His moans give off a sense of pleasure and my body becomes even more lustful to the point where my body just breaks down and softly my voice comes back to me and tells him to please stop.

He pulls away from me immediately. We stop and I close my eyes and put my hands behind my neck. I’m trying to take in everything about this moment. I sit there, awkwardly, unsure of how to respond. He speaks however, and it breaks the tension of the atmosphere. He tells me how soft my skin is, which is something I wasn’t expecting, that makes me blush and make me look even more flushed. My gaze couldn’t even meet his; almost as if I was too embarrassed to respond or maybe he would notice the way I was really feeling at this moment. I start looking outward thinking about the kiss we just shared.

It was just as intense as the first kiss went, and in all the ways that connected us even closer. It was this intimate moment that lasted forever, but when I checked the clock for a moment to breathe, only 30 minutes had passed. We share even more intimate secrets, but somehow it felt like they were more stories to help give us more reasons to bond.

I once again give in and he continues to kiss me, not as passionately, but as simple gestures, keeping me close to him. He briefly hesitates and tells me I’m perfect, and it’s as if new life has reawakened me. He softly checks my skin to make sure there was no mark left on it and I’m not sure if he could see just how flushed I really looked. I ran out of time and could no longer stay. I begin to get anxious at leaving his side. He smiles gently and tells me he’ll sleep soundly tonight and make plans to meet again soon. There’s a need to reassure ourselves again that it will be kept secret and discreet. I kiss him one brief and final time; giving him the assurance that what happens between us will stay between us. I bid him good night and goodbye. And the silence that followed from that point until I arrived home became one of the scariest things of my life. I sat there, evaluating all my choices ahead of me and only one thing became certain: whatever happens next in my life, good, bad, beautiful, horrifying, anything, I want him to be a part of it. But the question is, what happens next?