#i dont fuckin care if you reblog or reply or whatever. im just so tired i just need to yell you guys can say whatever

[crimsonsalutations]

shoutout to everyone who followed me expecting reblogs and got Daniel’s 24/7 R76 Talkshow

niceteeth-nastysmile  replied to your post “WHILE i’m mad here’s another hot take: i hate hate HATE how the r76...”

My biggest peeve with the fandom behind this ship is the massively dense amount of people that oversimplify both of these characters, strip them down to basic cookie-cutter yaoi boys and completely disregard what makes them interesting. They're old vets with (likely severe) PTSD, vigilante complexes, life altering physical trauma (including the super soldier program) -- dude I could write an essay. The dynamic is awesome but everyone ignores ittt

yeah, I have problems with this too, like, they have one of the most unique relationships in the whole game and people waltz into the ship and create content that feels like it’s not even r76. and i mean. i cant really fault people for wanting their weird porn; you see that in all fandoms, all communities as a matter of fact, and if someone wants to write porn of the 2 hot dudes they saw in passing in ovw fanart that they know nothing about... well I’m not going to try and stop them, but I can and will laugh at their characterization, lmao.

but even so, there’s some people who are like... dedicated to the characters to an astounding degree and yet they insist on writing them so weirdly. i think one of my main problems with r76 fic, to say it in the fewst words possible, is people write them too nice. the ‘sad dads’ thing is cute and all, but i think people take it too far sometimes. they’re 50+ year old war vets, war machines, who are tired and violent and angry and pissed at the world that ate them up and spat them out when they outlived their usefulness and people...... write them as cute dads. I mean. I wont tell them no. but. it feels like a disservice to their characters.

(plus people who hate angst and love r76. it’s weird. like walking into a knife museum and saying you hate knives. why are you here if you hate knives???)

pcturtl replied to your post:

“WHILE i’m mad here’s another hot take: i hate hate HATE how the r76...”

A comparison we can safely make is Gabe tends to be a logic driven planner, while Jack tends to act more on instinct (with Overwatch/Ana/Gabe being 80% of his impulse control). Something so many people give Jack guff for is that he *hesitated* to save the girl, but given the choice, Gabe probably would have prioritized the objective. Disagree about the intentionally nonlethal ult though since it's limited to body shots. He probably wouldn't care if it killed them or not.

yeah, that is one of the few assumptions we can make, though the intricacies of that dynamic (ie. how it changed over the years, to what extent jack/gabriel are impulsive/tactical, etc) aren’t so clear, but I mean nothing is clear in this fuckin lore.

and YES that was actually what I saw that made me mad in the first place. Someone was saying 76 kills all over the place and reaper only shoots at those who shoot first (which is. wrong?? hes an assassin? do people know what an assassin does?). and it was so wildly wrong i got mad. lol.

And yeah, Gabe is tactical to an extreme degree. I’m quoting off the top of my head here, but in-game, his kill line for every non-overwatch player is ‘that was a tactical error’ which i think speaks volumes. Hana. Lucio. Fareeha == tactical errors in his head. doesn’t even refer to them as people. (and i think jack has a similar line but it isnt used in the same context? I’d have to check.)

He’s very tactical & very apathetic towards the world, I mean the only things I can say for sure that he cares/cared about are jack, ana, and blackwatch,and maybe jesse. honestly cant say if he ever gave a shit about overwatch, and my guess leans towards he didn’t. 

working somewhere for 30 years doesn’t mean you care about it as an organization, you know? the same goes for talon: we have 0 proof he cares about talon either. 

people try to use the bit in infiltration where he doesnt shoot That Dumbass who knocked himself out as proof of his goodness (whatever that means exactly) and its like... That Dumbass put himself out of the equation. why waste a shell on him if he wasnt interfering with the mission any more? reaper isnt excessively violent, as much as he cackles about death and whatever, and it seems like if something doesnt directly benefit him or benefit something he cares about, he doesnt care whether that thing or person lives or not. (like overwatch, like that guy who knocked himself out, like the recall agents. he just doesnt care)

re:  the jack ult, correct me if im wrong but i dont think that just because an ult works a certain way in-game doesnt mean it works that exact way in the cinematics. like genji cant actually deflect hanzo’s ult with his own ult the way he does in dragons. 

and i think that’s less jack caring about the ~*sanctity of life~* or giving a personal rat’s ass about los muertos jackasses, and more of an instinctual thing for him. like in the beginning of hero, when the one guy calls ‘come out and fight perro’ jack couldve easily shot all 3 of those guys and called it a day from his hiding spot. it’d be easier and faster and less of a risk for him. but instead he comes charging out, gun under one arm, and punches one of them in the face.

but at the same time we also saw him kill at least the guy with the minigun, and probably a couple others. off the top of my head, i think only half of them walked  drove away from that confrontation alive. if jack can get out of a situation without killing i think he would, but i also think he wouldnt hesitate to kill if it came to that. especially when it comes to ‘bad guys’ like los muertos

i think i’ve mentioned this before, but gabe’s and jack’s respective fighting styles can be summed up with ‘gabe=shooty shooty die’ and ‘jack= smacky smacky concussion’ with exceptions, of course

[gryffon]

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.