#i feel weird that i've been posting things that stray further from canon and what i consider to be really carefully well done fics

[bittersweetresilience]

and now that i've posted fluff and romance, it's time to get back to gore and character death

[lawlietscaramels]

I read your last post (and all the previous ones), but I haven’t had the energy to comment on it lately. I’m a bit drowsy rn but I would like to chat about headcanons and such.

See, I’ve always been a person who tries to adhere to canon as much as possible in my own writing/art/etc. I try not to stray too far for fear of misinterpreting the characters or misrepresenting them.

But then I entered the death note fandom. You’re totally right with comparing the different canons to multiverses with their own rulesets. There’s so much out there to read, watch, etc. And everyone has different opinions on what’s “more” canon. I would take it one step further and say that anyone’s perception of the story is going to be slightly different from another’s, because that’s how we see things. And people in fandom make art and such based on their perceptions of the characters, which often includes projecting headcanons onto them. For better or worse.

Tbh, I dunno if I really got the idea of a “comfort character” until L and Near. There’s just so much about them that I relate to, especially Near. I may never solve a serial murder case, but I do solve problems by sitting on the floor and playing with toys. I find myself staring dead-eyed at people or at screens when I’m thinking. My point is that I find comfort in these characters, and wonder what they might do if scared, or stressed, or alone. Naturally, headcanons arise, based on my interpretation and my outlook on the world. The important thing is, I’m not Ohba or Obata. If I write these characters, I’m naturally going to insert little pieces of myself in the characters, whether I know it or not. And so will you, and anyone who writes them.

When you wrote your headcanons about L vs Ryuzaki, I found myself nodding along because I related to those. As a neurodivergent person myself, I sometimes feel like I subconsciously act differently in the presence of others out of a need to keep an “image” that others have built of me, even if it’s not entirely positive. That’s how I interpreted your post about L. I understand, however, why the other anon interpreted the post as ableist. Maybe it came off as you “explaining away” L’s habits, like some attempt to make the character more “palatable”. I don’t wanna put words in your or the anon’s mouths though, so I’m not gonna speculate.

I guess I just wanted to write this to say- it’s okay that you have headcanons and I promise you, I love reading them! Sometimes people interpret them poorly, and sometimes we need to reflect on why we have the headcanons we do about characters. I really do think you had good intentions though.

I’m not sure how to wrap this up, but I genuinely hope you’re doing well, Lei. Feel free to delete this ask after you’ve read it, if you like. I just thought I’d try to give an opinion.

-🎲 (I hope this ask is coherent and tumblr doesn’t eat it.)

I wanna share this because you genuinely just made my day, 🎲 anon. and also to elaborate more. So, anyone with doubts on my intentions, please read.

I did admit and I will say again that I did not approach L vs Ryuzaki in the best way and I did not think it through. But my intention was NOT to explain L's traits away and make them more "palatable." I didn't realise I needed to include this in the description of the original post, but I love him so much for his "weirdness" and being "unpalatable" because that's what society calls me when I don't mask. Like L, I sit in weird ways, and speak in monotone, and I play a lot with mouth and fingers, and I dead stare at people and I just. I see a lot of myself in him.

And the things that I've always felt bad about myself I love seeing in/headcanoning on L. To share a personal story, I stare at people without blinking for several minutes, and when I was entering my teen years I got called rude, weird and creepy for it - and around that time I watched Death Note and I immediately clicked with L (for many reasons but that's the one I can give a specific example why for). I went "L stares like me, and people call him weird, but I can see he's not bad, he's really cool - maybe I'm not bad either".

That got into a bit of a rant sorry 😭 again. obviously I didn't intend to hurt anyone. but again, I did not approach it in the best way. I should also say, because I didn't address it properly in my original answer: I wasn't trying to elaborate on the Ryuzaki theory. I was trying to share my own headcanons on how L expresses MORE of himself, NOT a completely different self, when alone.

I do think he sleeps at least once a day (if only for a short time). I do think he eats things other than sweets (especially steak. I throw my anemia onto him and with it comes STRONG cravings for rare meat). I do think he sits in ADDITIONAL ways to the 40% smarter. but I DON'T think that those traits are all 100% fake completely for show.

anyway. again. seeing this made me feel better. I'm not sure if the anon who sent the ableist thing was a follower, but it's nice to know that people I've been interacting with can tell I didn't have malicious intent. I felt pretty down after getting it, I felt so bad about writing something that could be interpreted like that - maybe that could only be interpreted like that - and I kind of avoided Tumblr a bit after. even posting of a and b or any of my recent "lei chats," I've felt so anxious that I'm going to be misinterpreted. It's the worst feeling. In real life people assume I'm being rude/malicious all the time when I'm being genuine/don't have that intent. Online, in the most part, I found a space where people assume the opposite. So it hurt.

AGAIN I RANTED AND IT GOT A BIT PERSONAL I'M SO SORRY. but thank you very much 🎲 anon. you made me smile <3