#i get that smoking was everywhere when she was younger and obviously she's Greek so if she's been there then yeah it's everywhere but

[fazcinatingblog]

Imagine if out of all the mistakes I've made, the things Sophia thinks I'm doing wrong, the one thing that gets me fired is that I don't agree to the boss smoking in the office.

[loverapture-blog1]

obviously.

I BECAME DEPRESSED WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD WAITING FOR THIS ONE GIRL TO LOVE ME BACK FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AND WHILE MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS AND PEERS PRESSURED ME TO IMPROVE MY GRADES SO I COULD GET INTO A STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I REALLY FUCKING HATE NOW BUT OH WELL. I HARMED MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS 14 AND I REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF MY FRIEND HADN'T FOUND OUT AND TALKED ME OUT OF IT. WE'RE NOT REALLY CLOSE ANYMORE. WE DISAGREE ON A LOT OF THINGS. MY MOM TOLD ME LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT BEING A DISGRACE AND A MISTAKE AND UNLOVABLE AND THAT REALLY HURT MY HEART. MY MOM HASN'T BEEN THE SAME EVER SINCE. SOMETHING REALLY CHANGED INSIDE OF HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH. FRESHMAN YEAR WAS SO WEIRD CAUSE PEOPLE LIKED ME AND IT WAS PRETTY COOL I HAD A COUPLE GIRLFRIENDS IT WAS ALRIGHT BUT THEN I GOT REALLY REALLY SAD CAUSE THE SECOND GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE JUST WANTED TO USE SOMEONE AND I MEANT NOTHING TO HER AND I WAS JUST AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE I'M YOUNGER THAN HER BUT I MEAN WHATEVER RIGHT? ALSO MY PARENTS SEPARATED. MY DAD WENT TO SOME CLAUSTROPHOBIC APARTMENT THAT FELT LIKE THE THROAT OF AN ANACONDA. I STILL REMEMBER THE SMELL OF IT. THE SIGHT OF NOTHING IN THE PANTRY BUT SOME OLD GATORADE AND TORTILLAS. WORST 9 1/2 MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT. I WANTED TO MAKE MY DAD HAPPY AND HANG OUT WITH HIM AND STUFF BUT I WAS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED OH MY GOODNESS I WANTED TO SCREAM ALL THE TIME BUT IT FELT LIKE MY THROAT WAS FILLED WITH COTTON. I DID NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM ON MY LAPTOP. AND MY DAD NEVER COMPLAINED. HE WAS FINE WITH IT. AS LONG AS I WAS IN HIS HOME. MY HEART HURT SO FUCKING HORRIBLY BAD. IT STILL DOES. THE GUILT. I SAW HIM CRY. MANY TIMES. IT HURTS SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I WAS ALL HE REALLY WANTED THEN AND THERE AND I DECIDED TO DO NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM. ALL I DID IN THAT ROOM WAS EAT PIZZA, DRINK ARIZONAS, PLAY VIDEOGAMES, JACK OFF, AND CRY, CRY A LOT. THEN AT LIKE ELEVEN AT NIGHT HE WOULD TELL ME "HE'S GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIS OLD DOCTOR FRIEND AT STARBUCKS" YEAH OKAY DAD SURE. I KNEW MY DAD HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY MOM. I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD JUST LEAVE MY MOM AND THEN GO OFF TO SOME OTHER LADY. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. THEN MY BEST FRIEND BECAME MY GIRLFRIEND. THEN MY PARENTS GOT BACK TOGETHER. MY GRADES WERE ALRIGHT. I WAS GOING TO THE GYM REGULARLY. EVERYTHING SEEMED OKAY. BUT THEN MY GIRLFRIEND AND I KEPT ARGUING AND SHE KEPT LYING AND I KEPT FALLING FOR IT AND FALLING FOR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I JUST KINDA WENT ALONG WITH IT. I CRIED A LOT. SHE MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. I STARTED DOING BAD IN MY CLASSES. EVENTUALLY I BROKE UP WITH HER CAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE THEN WENT AND TOLD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT I CHEATED ON HER WITH SOME GIRL FROM TEXAS. THE GIRL IS REAL. THE STORY ISN'T. EVENTUALLY I DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL. I BECAME HER MANAGER CAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE A SINGER. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I COULD CONFIDENTLY SAY I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A DREAM. PERFECT. SHE SANG ME SONGS AND WROTE ME POEMS. I WAS SO CRAZY ABOUT HER. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE WAS GONNA VISIT ME DURING SUMMER. THEN I FOUND OUT SHE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE. THEN SHE KEPT FUCKING WITH MY FEELINGS. I BECAME FRIENDS WITH THE GIRL FROM FRESHMAN YEAR WHO USED ME. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND SHE IGNORED ME BECAUSE "SHE GOT BORED". THEN I LEFT THE GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE CONTINUED TO TRY AND TALK TO ME. THEN SHE STARTED SOME FAKE RUMORS ABOUT ME BEING SEXIST AND RACIST. THEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HATED ME. SHE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. I HOPE SHE IS OK. SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT. THE SONGS OF THAT TIME KEEP REPLAYING IN MY HEAD, EATING AWAY AT THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL LIKE WAVES ERODING A MOUNTAIN. MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA EXPLODE AND YELLOW PAINT IS GONNA SPLASH EVERYWHERE. THE COLOR YELLOW REMINDS ME OF HER. SKATING REMINDS ME OF HER. PLAYING INSTRUMENTS. WRITING. FLOWERS. MUSIC. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER. I TRIED TO MOVE ON. I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETELY GOTTEN OVER IT. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL. SHE WAS SO CUTE. SHE WAS WONDERFUL IT FELT SO NICE. SHE LIVED IN SACRAMENTO AND WAS SUPPOSED TO COME DOWN AND VISIT ME SOON. THEN I WENT TO EUROPE FOR THREE WEEKS. DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF BEING IN EUROPE THIS NEW GIRL GOT A BOYFRIEND. MY HEART HURT. I MET A REALLY COOL GIRL IN EUROPE. SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES AND WE CLICKED. WE WOULD TRY TO GET ALCOHOL EVERY  NIGHT AND GET SHITFACED. IT WAS SO FUN. ONE TIME IN SWITZERLAND I GOT REALLY DRUNK AND THREW UP AND CHIPPED MY TOOTH TRYING TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE AND MR. BRUNNER SAW ME DRUNK BUT DIDN'T CARE. I LIKED HER AT FIRST BUT THEN WE JUST BECAME FRIENDS. THEN I TOLD HER ABOUT MY MENTAL ILLNESSES. I OPENED UP ABOUT ALL MY DEMONS. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER TALKED TO HER. SHE LEFT ME AND TOLD ME I'M TOO MUCH OF A RESPONSIBILITY. SHE SAID I'M "TROUBLED". THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT. THAT SAME NIGHT I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL FROM A GERMAN SCHOOL BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY AFRICAN GIRL THERE. WE SPENT ALL NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND RUNNING AROUND. IT WAS SO SWEET AND DREAMLIKE. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL TOWARDS THE END OF THE TRIP. WE HUNG OUT TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. SHE HAD JUST GRADUATED FROM THE SHITTY CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I GO TO RIGHT NOW. SHE THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO CUTE. WE GOT DRUNK ON THE BEACH OF ATHENS AND STEPPED ON SEA URCHINS. SHE ADMITTED SHE LIKED ME. SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT MORNING THOUGH. THEN WE WENT ON A CRUISE IN THE GREEK ISLANDS. WE NAPPED TOGETHER A LOT. WE CUDDLED. WE GOT MANICURES TOGETHER AND GOT MATCHING NAIL POLISH. I WAS SO HAPPY. SHE DREW IN MY JOURNAL. ON THE LAST DAY, WE BOUGHT SOME CHEAP WINE AND WAITED UNTIL NIGHT. WE GOT SUPER DRUNK AND THEN WE GOT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. "DON'T KISS ME UNTIL WE'RE SOBER" SHE SAID. I OBLIGED. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW HER OWN RULES THOUGH. SHE KISSED ME. I KISSED HER BACK. I WAS HER FIRST KISS. WE MADE OUT. WE DID SOME OTHER STUFF. I TOOK HER TO HER ROOM. I SLEPT SMELLING HER SHIRT ALL NIGHT. I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW TYPING THIS. THEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE NEXT DAY TRAVELING BACK. SHIP. BUS. PLANE. THE FIRST PLANE RIDE WAS BEAUTIFUL. WE SAT TOGETHER AND KISSED AND CUDDLED. IT WAS TEN HOURS BUT FELT LIKE ONE. THE NEXT  PLANE WAS SHIT. MY STOMACH HURT AND I DIDN'T SIT WITH HER. THEN MY PARENTS PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT. I SAID GOODBYE TO HER. THEN AT HOME MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME IM A DISGRACE FOR PAINTING MY NAILS AND THAT I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT THE BARE MINIMUM AND THAT THEY ARE ASHAMED OF ME AND THAT IT INFURIATES THEM THAT I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I STAYED DATING THAT GIRL. WE HUNG OUT A COUPLE TIMES. SHE EVENTUALLY BECAME VERY MANIPULATIVE AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I LEFT HER. THEN I WAS SINGLE FOR A BIT. THEN OF COURSE I STARTED DATING SOMEONE ELSE. MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND. I LOVE HER! SHE ISN'T ABUSIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! SHE'S GREAT. SHE IS PERFECT SO FAR. BUT SHE HAS HER OWN TROUBLES AND I FEEL BAD CAUSE I CAN'T HELP HER. REWIND TO A FEW WEEKS AFTER I GOT BACK FROM THE EUROPE TRIP. JUNIOR YEAR STARTED. I WAS FAIRLY CONFIDENT. THEN EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL. REALLY FAST. I STARTED FAILING. I BECAME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. I HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. I TOLD MY PARENTS I'M DEPRESSED. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM AGAIN. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM ONE MORE TIME. THE DIDN'T CARE AT ENOUGH. I STARTED SMOKING WEED. A LOT OF IT. CONSTANTLY. I LOVED IT. WEED IS GREAT, BUT IT BECAME A DEPENDENCY. THEN ONE DAY I HAD A BREAKDOWN AT SCHOOL AND I WENT TO MY TEACHER BECAUSE I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF I DIDN'T. SHE TOLD ME SOME KIND WORDS THEN CALLED MY MOM. MY MOM CAME. WE WENT TO AN OFFICE AND DISCUSSED SOME STUFF ABOUT SCHOOL AND DEPRESSION WITH THIS ONE GUY AND THIS ONE REALLY NICE BUT ANNOYING WHITE LADY. MY DAD CAME. I FELT BETTER. I WENT HOME. THEN MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND WE GOT IN A HUGE UGLY ARGUMENT. THEY GOT MAD AT ME FOR SEEKING HELP.

"THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AT SCHOOL! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR."

"BUT DAD, IT'S NOT EASY TELLING YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF."

"YOU EMBARASSED US, YOU HURT OUR FEELINGS."

"DAD I WANNA DIE PLEASE I NEED HELP."

"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SELFISH AND YOU DON'T LOVE US!"

THE WHITE LADY TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I NEED A PAPER FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST SAYING THAT I WON'T HURT MYSELF OR OTHERS TO BE ABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL AGAIN. THEN THE NEXT DAY MY PARENTS DID A RANDOM DRUG TEST ON ME. THEN THAT NIGHT THEY CONFRONTED ME ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY SAW THAT I HAD BEEN CONSUMING WEED. THEY ARE OLD AND UNEDUCATED ON IT SO THEY THINK IT'S LIKE METH. THAT MADE THE WHOLE THING VERY DIFFICULT. THEN I BROKE DOWN AGAIN. I STARTED TELLING THEM HOW BAD I WANTED TO DIE. THEN MY DAD HELD ME AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. A VOICE IN MY HEAD TOLD ME NOT TO BELIEVE HIM. I COMPLIED. THE NEXT DAY MY SISTERS CAME TO THE HOUSE. THEY ALL TALKED TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL IF I WASN'T READY. THEY KEPT DEMONIZING MEDICATION TO SCARE ME BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME THE MEDICATION I SO DESPERATELY HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. THEY KEPT ME PRISONER AT HOME. THEY FORCED ME TO JOIN A BOXING CLUB. THEY TOOK AWAY MY PRIVILEDGES. THEN THE SCHOOL CALLED AND SAID I HAD TO GO BACK. I GOT A NOTE. THEY DECLINED IT. I GOT ANOTHER NOTE. THEY DECLINED THAT ONE TOO. THEN I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND I'M BACK IN SCHOOL. I HATE IT. I'M SWITCHING SCHOOLS NEXT SEMESTER. BUT I NEED TO TRY AND RAISE MY GRADES FOR NOW. I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. BUT I AM SAD. VERY SAD. STILL DEPRESSED (OBVIOUSLY).