#i haven't written meta in ages so i am just word vomitting

[lesbian-kyoru]

feeling incoherent about the last chapter of svsss vol 3 and particularly the sex scene—i knew Vaguely what to expect and was prepared but i was not prepared for how deeply? it would move me emotionally? the grotesque and painful nature of it was so perfectly suited to the story, and i love what it got across how excruciating and uncomfortable it is to be Known intimately by another person and submit yourself to being loved by them.

it's ultimately necessary and freeing to shen qingqiu to give himself up to that Ordeal, and the forced & ultimately fatal nature of it is what allows him to actually let himself want it. and for luo binghe, even without an awareness of what he's doing, it's very humanizing to be accepted so fully and wholly for the most uncontrolled, desperate, lonely version of himself. the line "luo binghe seemed to have found some small sense of security" really struck me, the juxtaposition between the recklessness paired with that gentle realization of safety.

the terror & discomfort of the scene don't feel undesired somehow, either physically or on an emotional level, like they're just an inevitable part of what it means for bingqiu to finally embrace each other—that the love is so strong that it's worth weathering the sheer intensity of it & being consumed by it. it all just felt like a super fitting microcosm of bingqiu's relationship of absolutely clawing and clinging to each other, despite the pain and insecurities it forces them to grapple with, both together and within themselves. it's all very bare and pink and bald-faced! gahhh!!!!