#i havent really been able to sob in awhile and i think tonight was just another breaking point

[enbee-tree]

I went down to my favorite spot in town last night, it was nice. It felt like actually breathing for the first time in awhile. The past few weeks have felt so heavy and it feels like theres a boulder on my chest that just gets heavier day by day. I dont really wanna bother anyone with it because no one tends to actually listen anyways so I've become accustomed to just dealing with things, that's why isolation can be so harmful to me I suppose, I'm so used to just living inside myself that I have no issue existing outside the world, though it tends to get lonely, I've spent most of my life alone. The only people I actually talk to now is my father, who is wonderful but there are just some things you cant talk to him about, and my best friend, who I cant see currently and dont know when I'll be able to, I've lost track of the amount of times I've called her sobbing in the past two-three months (and like our whole relationship tbh) and i dont know where I'd be without her. That's why I use tumblr as a kinda yelling into the void, so I can get somethings off my chest.

Things have become a lot harder and (selfharm mention tw) lately it's been so much harder to resist the urge to cut and that's all I want to do, but I havent. It's been about four months clean, I want to get to at least a year, I dont think I've ever (besides ya know when I was a child) gone a whole year without it, but I know I'm strong enough to not, I've just got to convince myself, it's not worth it, that's how the issue has stayed for so long, and that if I do it's just reinforcing the habit and I will regret it.

Well I think that's all for now. Animal crossing should arrive tomorrow so I'm just gonna indulge myself in that as a coping mechanism, I'll probably take sleeping pills tonight bc I could not fall asleep for the life of me last night, when I'm worse I just cannot force myself to sleep and its hell.