#i just assume i'm super low on everyone's priority lists & that it'll be quicker/easier/more reliable to just meet my needs myself
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#new (ie ancient childhood plague) avoidant attachment pattern unlocked:#i have made a few polite and unobtrusive bids for attention but i see you are otherwise indisposed#no doubt with other very important high priority things that i should not interrupt with my trivial needs#since my attempts at seeking care and connection with you have gone unnoticed or unattended#i will now excuse myself to go self-soothe elsewhere. it's fine don't worry about it i prefer caring for myself anyways it builds character#gfd i do this shit SO OFTEN.#i just assume i'm super low on everyone's priority lists & that it'll be quicker/easier/more reliable to just meet my needs myself#so i'll make a cursory effort at soliciting care/attention from others and if i don't get an immediate warm response#i just assume they don't care or i'm a nuisance and leave#it's fuckig n textbook i skip straight past protest behaviors to full on avoidance#this is like when i told my therapist i don't get panic attacks cause i just dissociate instead#and he was like PLS UNDERSTAND THAT'S WORSE. YOU DO GET HOW THAT'S WORSE RIGHT???#apparently panic is your nervous system warning you BEFORE you reach a dissociative snapping point#and ignoring those panic cues until they go away isn't very healthy!#sometimes my brain lacks middle sliders and it's deeply frustrating.#anyways today was a wash. don't plant the bad ones as tom waits said.#tomorrow i relax and tend my bruised soul and go craft with some friends#recovery tag#shit chat
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