#i just cannot wait to see some mediocrity shine through as gold

[tearlessrain]

time to subject myself to Dracula: The Dark Prince, aka another bad movie starring another dude from black sails. this time with 100% less horny on main because my only real motivation for watching it is it truly looks to be a whole new caliber of horrible and I have to see it.

witness my standards for incomprehensibly bad movies being raised prohibitively high in every way imaginable under the cut

I seriously doubt that.

this was made in 2013 by the way, not 1994 as the graphic design of that logo might suggest

oh good, once again we’re opening with an exposition narrator. except this time it’s a woman and she has less vocal inflection and emotional investment than an amazon echo.

I feel like she’s gonna tell me to turn left in 800ft

it feels like a dragon age epilogue, but just. worse.

WE ARE WATCHING A TRULY HIGH QUALITY MOVIE TONIGHT MY FRIENDS

I can’t even describe how bad this is, you really need the sound. that’s where the true lack of quality shines through. siri’s depressed sister is talking about pre-vampire dracula’s epic feats in battle to more weird sepia dioramas and the dying soldiers sound like they hired muppets to voice them

HOLY WIG BATMAN

also this dude is obnoxiously jovial considering he’s supposed to be dracula, even if this is pre-vampire

oh no dracula’s advisors, who all wear black hooded robes and scowl ominously, have betrayed him and killed his wife, how unexpected

someone drew these, looked at them, and thought “yeah that’s good enough to go in the final movie”

the characters are speaking both english and what I assume is... romanian or something? transylvanian? it’s not spanish or welsh I can tell you that much. anyway there are no subtitles and also no rhyme or reason to which they’re speaking at any given time so I hope I’m not missing anything important. probably not.

so like... they killed his wife, yes. and he went on a murderfest in what appears to be a church in revenge, makes sense. now a dude who... I think maybe he’s supposed to be a priest or something? but he wasn’t speaking english so I can’t be sure, then a voice over said “I have killed for god, the hand that fought for him will now be turned against him” but I’m unclear on who was speaking. this movie is an absolute clusterfuck and we aren’t even five minutes in yet. this is still the prologue.

now zombie alexa claims dracula was cursed with immortality “in punishment for his defiance” but I’m still not sure... what defiance. he killed the dudes who murdered his wife and that’s somehow not okay despite his apparent status as a war hero, a designation that implies a LOT of killing has already happened?

fucking finally, the title screen. usually a prologue clarifies what a movie is about but I went in thinking I knew and now have absolutely no idea what I’m watching.

a carriage drawn by friesians is rolling through a misty forest with wolf howling sound bites playing at random in the background to vaguely urgent music, now this is what I’m here to see.

nevermind the carriage is too slow so they’re leaving it because that’s a thing people do (?????)

“Lady Arwen, we cannot delay”

seriously though everyone’s mumbling so much I can’t understand them much better than when they were speaking whatever the other language was

BOOTLEG XENA RIDES AGAIN

but this time she’s accompanied by esme. we don’t know who esme is yet either.

there she goes

and now the knights are being attacked by hilarious squeaky goblin things? who I guess are led by this power rangers villain with, again, an unintentionally hilarious voice. it’s like a bad batman impression.

with every minute that passes I become less certain of what I’m actually watching.

they’re looking for the “light bringer” and telepathically overseen by the world’s most halfassed lestat dracula

they’ve also got some random prisoners in a cage wagon

okay the prisoners are being taken to dracula’s castle and I’m sorry for such an image-heavy post but I NEED you to understand the community theater level of set design/quality we’re dealing with here

“what is that?” cardboard and mod podge is my guess

so far the only thing esme has done is fall off her horse and be knocked unconscious, and now a Roving Band of Misogynists has appeared to harass Bootleg Xena 3.0 in the most generic way possible (the words “what ‘ave we got ‘ere” accompanied by a chorus of malicious cackling and some whistles have been spoken)

oooh no the ringleader of the Roving Misogynists has been given a name, and it’s ~Lucien~. I have a horrible feeling that I’m about to bear witness to the worst romantic subplot in the history of cinema.

oh for... I thought at least bootleg xena 3.0 would be a Strong Female Character and fight them off, but she just rapped lucien on the head with her sword and then they stole her very important box and left as obnoxiously as they came

OH NO SHE’S ASKING TO GO WITH THEM, SOMEHOW THAT’S HER PLAN I THINK I’M RIGHT SHE’S GONNA HOOK UP WITH LUCIEN AND IT’S GOING TO BE HORRIBLE.

“trust me” she says to esme, who, wisely, obviously does not.

I appreciate the timely thunderclap every single time the castle comes on screen

who the fuck are you, did you wander onto the wrong movie set

nope okay they’re not gonna explain that shot at all we’re just moving on to a shot of a weird angel shadow doing slow flamenco moves on the ceiling while ominously gurgling, and the prisoners being led into the throne room

“what’s happening to us?” I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE SAME THING, PRISONER #3

oh never mind that guy from before wasn’t a priest, he is remfield, chancellor of this kingdom, which means the last scene he was in makes even less sense

AKSLDGHJFGAKDLFJGHKAJGHFDKLFDS;GJokay so. remfield introduced himself then said “I will see that your needs are tended to.” then dracula in his new white contacts gets up from his shadowy throne, circumnavigates the cluster of prisoners, sniffs them dramatically, and walks back to his throne. remfield then says, “come, I will see that your needs are tended to” because proofreading is for COWARDS

now remfield is... literally giving the prisoners a tour of the castle and going on the “oh you’re our guests and many pleasures and adventures await you” speech and somehow the prisoners are accepting this despite the fact that they were just carted in on a barred wagon in shackles and got sniffed by a bad alucard cosplayer. they have a fucking harpist.

seriously, who the fuck are you

she’s just been twirling around in the background of this entire scene for no discernible reason no matter what rooms they go into

what the hell am I watching

yeah they’re just going for that incredibly suspicious food and also seem weirdly okay with the ambient clusters of scantily clad lesbians no one will explain okay they deserve whatever happens to them

WHOA TITS apparently this movie is a different rating than I thought

remfield: the newcomers have settled in

dracula: I  d o n ‘ t  l i k e  s t r a n g e r s

then why pray tell have you brought them directly into your home in chains. I cannot stress enough how avoidable this situation was for you my dude

“just think sire, once the light bringer is in your possession no one need die again” “except those who defy me” [ominous chime as the angel shadow on the ceiling continues its sensuous flamenco dance]

meanwhile in the misty blue filter forest of eternal night, some guy in a tricorn finds a gold amulet that I think bootleg xena 3.0 dropped, and the power ranger villain rides menacingly in a random direction for a few seconds

I’m still waiting on whether this masterful display of cinematic calvinball has any cohesive story to it.

ah joy and we’re back to The Non-Adventures of Xena 3.0, Esme, and the Roving Misogynists

as an aside, I’m not calling her that just to be dumb, I’m calling her that because they still haven’t given her a name even though her sidekick got one in the first five minutes

they’ve opened the box and revealed... the light bringer, which is a wooden staff. because it is not shiny gold, the roving misogynists regard it with confounded disgrunglement and scoff at xena 3.0′s insistence that it can defeat dracula

these guys sound like what an eleven year old thinks gangs of ne’er-do-wells sound like. like cartoon weasels, if the weasels were also mediocre pirates who have heard of women, conceptually, but never seen one. like goblins in a pre-written D&D campaign run by a slightly overwhelmed first time DM.

HUR DUR WALKING STICK NOT TREASURE, WOMAN DUMB

it’s what cain used to slay abel, apparently. given that zombie alexa mentioned that dracula is the descendent of abel, this leaves us with the terrifying implication that someone did put at least some vestige of effort into writing this movie.

oh good she’s finally gonna fight lucien

no she failed again. please someone just punch the shit out of lucien so he’ll stop.

NO WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT STOP IT GOD HAVE SOME STANDARDS WOMAN. STOP PLAYING FLOATY ROMANTIC MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND THEY ARE LITERALLY STILL STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTIRE BAND OF ROVING MISOGYNISTS

I thought it might at least be a trick but no she is actually, genuinely starstruck over this profoundly mediocre olde-timey frat boy who called her “sweetheart” while she was trying to explain to him why the ancient dracula-defeating relic was important.

this guy.

we did it boys, we found a worse love story than twilight

also I just. I wish I could convey with words the way the roving misogynists react to every single thing lucien and sometimes xena 3.0 says like the world’s worst greek chorus in a literally neverending stream

lucien (post makeout and xena 3.0 explaining again that the relic is ancient and powerful and they’ve searched for ages to find it): well we may not be knights but we can respect that

[cacophony of rowdy but understated agreement]

lucien: what do you think boys, should we give it back?

[assorted grumbles of assent]

xena 3.0: hm, a thief with a conscience

[gruff mercenary-esque chuckling]

lucien: maybe even a heart

[chorus of “ooooooOOOooh”s and some whistles]

it just goes on like that in every scene they happen to be physically adjacent to, they never shut up but also never actually contribute or say anything meaningful

ah, the mysterious leonardo has appeared. I think he was the one they were trying to take the light bringer to so that’s handy

“what is happening here? what is this flirtation?? is this the people to share your sacred secrets with???” - leonardo, the only remotely rational person in the entire movie

oh he is schooling these idiots, finally someone with sense. it’s bouncing right off of lucien, but at least he’s saying it.

“the scourge” - leonardo

“scourge!” “scourge!?” “scourge?” “hrgghhg??” “hrrm...” - the roving misogynists

power ranger villain and his squeaking goblins vs leonardo, the most useless female leads of all time, and the roving misogynists. who will win.

not the people watching this movie, I can tell you that much.

oh no, the lightbringer isn’t working. this will do nothing to convince the roving misogynists that it isn’t a walking stick

oop, wilhelm scream

oh no lucien has picked up the light bringer

goddamn it he’s the chosen one isn’t he

yep he activated the stick and now we all have to suffer

oh xena 3.0′s coming for power ranger villain maybe she’ll actually do something

nope she bounced off him and now he’s grabbed her and hauled her onto his horse

“you’re coming with me” he says in his weird batman voice, to make sure the audience can tell that he is in fact taking her with him

and esme has yelled “no” to make sure we remember that she’s in the movie

wait what the. did lucien just yell “xena” is that her actual name what the fuck. what the fuck. I had to have misheard that. okay I can’t tell what he’s saying for sure but someone’s bound to say her name again at some point in the movie so I’ll revisit that.

and on that note, I think I’ll end here, because there ended up being a LOT more to unpack in this movie than I expected, it’s after midnight, and I’m tired.

tomorrow, we follow lucien as he presumably goes to save some lady he wildly disrespected and then made out with one time whose name may or may not actually be xena, and hopefully figure out what the hell is even going on with dracula, remfield, and their castle full of artfully strewn half naked harpist lesbians and dancing ceiling shadows. because right now I really don’t have time to unpack all that, and I have a feeling it will only get worse.

[oelfinessend]

For all that you have thought

Time to dump my fic drafts here! 

Or, where Loki is an actual god and I explore the incomprehensiveness of the concept and differences in biology. Unbeta-ed and really, is very raw. 

Loki moves in his prison like a creature unknown, born in all the worlds and none, created among the stars with the sole purpose of being confusing. The guards try to not look at their former commander and thus miss the way he sometimes flinches and cocks his head and turns slightly to look somewhere past glittering walls.

The tickle is annoying at best, but mostly aggravating; Loki can’t pinpoint its source or origins, his mind constantly distracted by that same non-corporeal itch. Some days it’s almost gone and some he is ready to break something, not at all unlike a mindless brute, which is the only reason Loki keeps himself in control.

After one particularly intense bout of distraction he arrives to the conclusion that it is Odin who allows this - not the great punishment, but a mediocre, annoying distraction, that will, unfortunately yet unerringly, lead Loki’s vast mind into ruin. So he grits his teeth and focuses in it, trying as the process might be, catches the illusive thread and smiles as he finally, finally pinpoints it; it has been centuries since they were banned from Midgard, and even then, during his last stay there had never been a plethora of those who would call Loki their own.

But those who would, followed him always.

Loki smiles, inhales and pulls back.

For a lesser being, an ignorant As, or flighty Ljosalfr it would be impossible to right themselves and become the master of the summons, but Loki has been delving deep into knowledge lost and vaults forgotten, he has taught himself what Bor decided to bury forever under the bones and ashes of svartalfar, who had skirted on the edge since their suns were young.

Loki twists himself among the calling threads of rude, invading seidr, tugs at them gently and finally as soon as the oppressive presence of Hlidskjalf is no more on his back, Loki spreads his own will and might and is finally free.

He manifests a splaying shadow among the ruined, blood-soaked stones. Here, the ancient rituals are still carried in the very ground underneath his bare feet. At first Loki thinks that it’s a peculiar coincidence that the new blood awoke the old and he was called, but he cannot recall that place of worship, and he has never liked when all finesse and knowledge of proper calling was cast aside in favour of massive sacrifices.

There are three runes of his, even if arranged improperly, carved with unsure but strong hand in the altar; they are the ones that ensure that Loki hears the pleas, and old victims of this place only helped the prayers to reach him through the thick magicks of Asgard. They, and Odin’s own dismissal; Loki was released from Asgard’s numbers, cast from it’s seidr’s protective shroud and thus became immune to All-Father’s ban of influencing mortals.

Loki’s laugh is everything dark and triumphant as he makes himself visible above the stone. He is not a deity in this moment - so much more, fed by stolen worship-power and his own joy, and the disbelief and elation his summoners feel, the despair and anguish their victims fall into, it all is directed at him, in him, and Loki drinks it all, formless and bright in his blackness, like a sky of stars or nocturnal waters.

The summoner who crawls towards him, Loki knows, is babbling something, but even so drunk on power he is not mindless and so he turns his head - a nebula of singing movement - to the girl spread out on the hard stones.

  why her he wants to know and so his question is heard. The child is nude, and thin and hungry. Loki wished her mind was calm and so she sleeps, and sees the pink skies of Alfheimr shine with predawn.

  she is frail, small and lacking in knowledge Loki’s musings is more of a presence in mind than a voice, a sound wave.

  what is a higher being to do with such a gift and how to crown such a thought

Loki whispers on his many terrible legs across the blood-remembering stones and symbols calling for gods he knows not, recalls not and cares for not.

Eight mortals was given to him so far - five more are awaiting him still; but Loki has no need for blood, no desire for power, no lust for idle madmen’s worship.

He sighs - the water flows to sky from springs nearby and the altar turns to dust, the girl, still sleeping, covered with a blanket made of his will.

  children are but promises of future Loki finally deigns to hum, turning the ground he reclines on to glass, and the one who waited to put a knife to frail mortal skin just turns into nothing.

Among the frenzied, crazed thoughts bombarding him there is one of clarity; vicious and pointed, there is satisfaction, dark victory and even darker gratefulness Loki feels turned onto him, onto his shapeless, many-faceted being, That’s better.

Many burning, blackless eyes turn onto the man called Jake and Loki becomes Jake for as much as a frail and little mortal mind can allow; and so Jake becomes Loki, for as much as he can bear to witness the form not fit to shape itself on mortal, corporeal planes of Earth.

Jake is a simple man, an accountant who likes his job enough, loves his husband very much and their girls even more. Him and Mike have been planning this trip for almost two years and the twins were ecstatic, and he doesn’t want to die, having heard now every scream those motherfuckers wrought out of other people in their group; but Jake also is grateful it was him who got to ride in the second bus, and not Mike, because poor Isa is only a year and a half older than his girls, and he would have probably gone insane already if either of them was here.

He wishes every last one of those motherfuckers dead, surely but slowly, excruciatingly dead, for every scream they wrought out of poor Ann and Sarah - they were eighty, for fuck’s sake - and sweet little Rose (she was five, five, at five Emma was playing pranks at Sophie and driving both Mike and Jake up the walls) and her poor lab, slightly crazy Derek, Carl, that strange chick who had five names, so Jake didn’t address her and called That Chick in his head, Paul and Tom, unfortunate heirs to a frankly mediocre fortune.

But Isa is sleeping and smiling in her sleep and something has just swallowed the raving lunatic up or maybe disintegrated him, Jake doesn’t care; he wants them gone and to be finally at peace.

what peace is there while you still live The Voice again is in his head, knocking out thoughts and making room for Itself. Jake’s brain can keep up with what that mind part of him is perceiving - a shape among the roads paved with comets, a mind cradling his own and shaping the very air to make a room for Itself. The Voice is filling his body now, a herald of the Mind, which Jake is helpless to push against, but he is not going to - he is bared, so he can take in return.

He knows -

There was a man, a woman, someone, long time ago for them of everchanging Earth, who caught the glimpse of the Mind, like that, and accepted, fully, the knowledge of Its existence and presence, agreed to be the latch and burden.

A balance between living the life for themselves and being devoted to something you have to let go to fully grasp is the only sort of prayer Loki takes, covets, a greedy being, the benefactor of the scholars of Asgard.

Among the dirtied and craven shouts of blood-spillers, Jake’s thought is clear and aimed right at him, at Loki, so Loki will bow so, turn to him who has freed himself to see as much as was allowed; as such will Jake belong to Loki, now; his sight was claimed, his freedom, settled.

And that is fine, Jake knows, if fall, then why not onto the stars?

The flow of mangled seidr ends as soon as the last of madmen is crushed under Loki’s will; as such, he is no longer torn apart by their expectations of him, fear of him and greed for him, his own unwillingness to take a useless corporeal form, or which one to choose. The girl is sleeping still, the blanket turned into leaves, three mortals have become senseless somewhen after his arrival and only his Jake still stands and watches, somewhat detachedly, as Loki allows his form to settle into one he is most used to, then shapes the matter around him into clothing, nondescript but suited for him nonetheless. He may be disowned, he is not lacking in pride.

Thin trickle of awareness is still present - will be until the end of the mortal’s short life, Loki already knows - and it gives him warmth as nothing else.

“What, are you, like, my- my god, or something?” Jake stutters, watches him, pale and drawn, unsure.

“I am Loki, first, last and always.” Loki simply answers and that seems to settle the mortal.

They have a long way to go - there is already a restlessness rising in Jake’s chest, a desire to know what comes next, and as much as Loki can relate, he is displeased, because he laid claim and all questions not to him but about him have become redundant.

No matter, he shifts, yawning, into a canine-like shape and trods away from humans, sniffing at the air and spreading his seidr wide to catch a glimpse of a creature he can mirror.

In a few minutes, there is a howl, ringing through Venezuelan forests; in a few hours, a member of searching party glimpses some animal running from what appers a mutilated human arm, another four hours later, Jake is ushered into a shock blanket as he stares, unblinking, at the black and gold snake resting on the glass of the helicopter, seemingly not bothering the pilot. It opens its mouth, showing two rows of serrated but human-looking teeth, sniggers and twists, turning birdlike as it dissolves into goldish mist.

[tshepiso-reads-books]

Best Books of 2020 | So Far…

2020 has been a particularly strong reading year in its first six months. In this post, I’ll be discussing my six favourite books of the year so far. This was a fairly difficult list to put together because there were so many books I felt deserved a spot on the list. I finally managed to pare it down to six and I’m excited to gush about them.

Beastars · Paru Itagaki

My dive into the Beastars manga was unplanned but appreciated. This shonen manga follows a world of anthropomorphic animals in a society that bars the eating of meat. The manga primarily explores the complex relationships between herbivores and carnivores in the high school Cherryton Academy. Beastars is dark, gothic, and impactful. Paru Itagaki’s character work and the ways it interacts with her worldbuilding is impeccable. The way Itagaki delves into the power dynamics and hierarchies of the relationships between herbivores and carnivores is amazing and I adore the deep dives she does into the various characters and how their place in the pecking order of society affects their views of themselves and the people around them.

Sovereign · April Daniels

Sovereign is hands down one of the best pieces of superhero media I’ve consumed this year. The sequel Dreadnought elevated this story to something more than a standard YA superhero tale. April Daniels tackled trauma and the after-effects of violence impeccably. She allowed her characters to naturally progress as people. Danny isn’t the best person in this book and the effects PTSD had on her weren’t pretty. But her growing to recognize the toxic patterns she fell into, apologize for her mistakes, and get help is such a satisfying story. Sovereign went way darker than I expected it to, but that was to the story’s benefit because Daniels delved into these themes wonderfully and ultimately told a story filled with hope.

The Kingdom of Copper · S. A. Chakraborty

S. A. Chakraborty is a masterful writer and The Kingdom of Copper sings because of it. Chakraborty’s tight-knit ever moving plot thrust me through this 625 paged tome in 48 hours. The character work in this book was stunning and seeing the ways Ali and Nahri had grown and changed in the five years since The City of Brass was appreciated. The intricate political machinations of the Daevabad trilogy are what make it stand out and Chakraborty absolutely nailed this tense and hair raising conflict throughout the series so far. What made this book so compelling was the blending of politics, characters, and worldbuilding that made every action and every plot movement intense and breathtaking. Chakraborty is good at what she does and I cannot wait to see how it all ends in The Empire of Gold in a few weeks

The Fated Sky · Mary Robinette Kowal

The Lady Astronaut series is exemplary on so many fronts and The Fated Sky went above and beyond my already high expectation. Were Mary Robinette Kowal shines is in her characters and relationship building. Dr. Elma York is such a fantastic protagonist because Kowal’s writing brings her to life. All of Elma’s interpersonal relationships were so rich and engaging; from her wonderfully supportive marriage to the various antagonistic relationships Elma has with her coworkers. I was invested in all of them because I genuinely cared about Elma and wanted to see her thrive. Kowal is also excellent at unpacking the bigotry of the 1950s and 60s in a way that feels genuine and speaks to our modern sensibilities. Elma in The Fated Sky is constantly confronted with her privilege as a white woman and learns how to use that privilege for good without speaking over the people she’s trying to help. I’m also an absolute sucker for space so the actual space exploration in this book was wonderful. As someone who loves movies like The Martian and Hidden Figures the way Kowal integrated real science with the magic of space exploration worked for me on every level.

The Broken Earth Trilogy · N. K. Jemisin

It’s difficult to describe in a handful of words the power of N. K. Jemisin’s writing. I’ve never read anything as moving and rich as The Broken Earth trilogy and journey Jemisin took me through was painful and heartbreaking but ultimately hopeful and beautiful. I will never not be in awe of Jemisin’s work. The way she tackled themes of oppression, the cycles of violence, and generational trauma was astounding and her intricate character explorations were phenomenally done. At this point, if you are in any way a fan of adult fantasy and you haven’t read The Broken Earth trilogy you are actively doing yourself a disservice because these books are some of the most stunning pieces of literature I’ve ever read.

The House in the Cerulean Sea · T. J. Klune

Finally, my absolute favourite book of 2020 so far is The House in the Cerulean Sea. This quiet, unassuming novel blew me completely out of the water and filled me with so much joy, love and happiness. This simple story about a man who has allowed his life to slip into mundane mediocrity finding love and family shattered my entire being. It’s very difficult to describe the warmth infused into every page of Klune’s writing but believe me when I tell you I can’t imagine anyone disliking this book. This is a story about healing from trauma, standing against bigotry, and protecting the innocence of children and on every level, T. J. Klune wrote a story that spoke to me.

So those were my favourite books of 2020 so far. I hope you can tell just how much I love every single book on this list. If you need further convincing to each of these story’s brilliance I have full reviews for every book I talked about here on my blog. 2020 has been a wonderful reading year so far and I can’t wait to see what the second half of the year has in store for me.

[justkeepshuffling]

21 Albums From 2017 Ranked

I probably don't need to explain anything since nobody really seeks my opinion on these matters, but this isn't a "Best Of 2017" from a guy who digests ton's of releases.  These are albums that were (mostly) already on my radar by bands I already enjoy and I'm listing those particular albums in order of my level of enjoyment.  It's been a few years since I've done this, but I'm working overtime until 4am and what better way to stay awake and stimulated?  Ah, music...

21) Circa Survive - 'The Amulet'

I literally downloaded this album and never listened to it.  I think I checked out two music videos and thought, "This seems pretty Circa Survive".  I technically still haven't fully digested 'Violent Waves'.  Sometimes that happens for me.  Someone puts out a record before I've fully absorbed the prior one and I just never catch up accordingly.  My full listen through 2014's 'Descensus' did nothing for me, unfortunately.  I'm not sure if these guys are doing any reinventing.  It mostly feels like mid tempo monotony. 

20) Maroon 5 - ‘Red Pill Blues’

This album holds a special place in my heart since my daughter really took to the single “What Lovers Do (Feat. SZA)”.  When my wife told me this was her favorite song I thought she was just being a cute Mom.  Winds up no matter how fussy she is, the baby stops and smiles when the opening starts.  I could go on about how I miss Maroon 5 having real drums and how little James Valentine gets to let his guitar shine (especially after releasing such a beautiful signature model Ernie Ball guitar), but there’s catchy material all over the place. It’s the Adam Levine show and nobody wants to get off that money train, understandably.  At least I can always think of a beautiful little newborn enjoying music with her beautiful Mama when I think of this album.

19) Kelly Clarkson - 'Meaning Of Life'

Yet another album I never got a front to back session with.  When tracks come up on shuffle I'm usually impressed though.  Once again, I never gave 2015's 'Piece By Piece' a full front to back, nor 2011's 'Stronger'.  I was too busy being in love with 2009's 'All I Ever Wanted', which still stands as her masterpiece. 

18) Less Art - 'Strangled Light'

If you know anything about me, you're probably aware my love for anything Thrice related.  This band features the brotherly rhythm section of Riley Breckenridge (drums) and Eddie Breckenridge (bass in Thrice/guitar in Less Art) so I had to investigate.  While the post hardcore soundtrack is within my taste, the vocal delivery, sadly is not.  I'm a melody man, myself.  I cannot say enough good things about the production.  This is how guitars should sound.  The low end is so thick and distinct.  Everything cuts through.  The guitars are heavy but you hear every note within the chords.  Just beautiful.  Hats off to the engineer, producer and mixer for achieving tonal supremacy.

17) The Killers - 'Wonderful Wonderful'

I may have fizzled out on this band with 'Battle Born', but I was hopeful.  After a full once over, I don't find myself coming back to this often.  Standard rock record, but maybe a little wavering and uninspired.  If they continue putting out records for another decade or so, I'd be curious what gets played from this particular collection.

16) St. Vincent - 'Masseduction'

There's something about Annie Clark.  When I stop and think about her entire catalog, I sometimes ponder if she's overrated.  I honestly think she's just so damn cool that it's hard to say anything negative about her.  She certainly has some great songs and she's a phenomenal guitarist.  I tend to cherry pick with her songs.  I was a bit thrown off by the creative choices on this album.  I certainly don't worship at the altar of Jack Antinoff so I don't understand why everyone seeks him out as a producer (Note: his taste in women is uniquely questionable).  The production is bare, all electronic drums, and less guitar than I would have hoped.  Standout tracks like "New York" and "Los Ageless" are catchy but not much else gripped me.  Expectations are high post Grammy win.  I felt a little let down.

15) Katy Perry - 'Witness'

Speaking of high expectations...  Katy's part of the pop machine now.  The songwriting credits on this album are absurdly astronomical.  2013's 'Prism' was mature and inviting with real raw moments mixed in with the colorful fun.  The few moments on ‘Witness’ that had real possibility didn't pop where they needed.  "Chained To The Rhythm" had a ton of potential but the chorus lacked the brightness to make it stand out.  It just fell flat, like most of the album.  The pre-release tag of “Purposeful Pop” bit her in the ass post-release.  My theory, there were probably 30+ songs written (some of which were, in fact, social conscious) but didn’t make the final cut.  A week prior to the release, there were still only two titles out of about thirteen that were listed on iTunes, which I feel proves she was slighted by the powers that be.  If you don't have full say in your career decisions, maybe don’t make bold statements about your upcoming album.

14) Weezer - 'Pacific Daydream'

I walked into this album expecting disappointment.  2016's self-titled "White Album" was right on par with every other self-titled color release in their catalog as their best work.  Seeing another album coming down the pipe a year later that had an off title left me uneasy.  This album is in a similar vein, albeit not as great as it's predecessor.  It plays a bit more like a good b-sides record from those album sessions.  Very worth the listen, and makes up for some of the mess that 'Hurley' and 'Raditude' left on their hands.

13) Envy On The Coast - 'Ritual'

This EP has been explained as a revisiting of old idea's through the lense of the reformed present.  While Envy On The Coast is "back", it's missing three original members.  When your drummer is as incredible as Dan Gluszak, it's noticeable when he's not there.  I've had many discussions about how a band is never the same after losing their drummer.  It's such a strong part of the blueprint.  I'm not overly familiar with Dillinger Escape Plan's Billy Rymer, but the drumming on this release could have been done by anyone.  Envy vocalist Ryan Hunter drummed on 2010's 'Lowcountry' with descent results, I'm not sure why they didn't go that route again.  Songs like "Virginia Girls" sit right in play with where they had left off.  The songs are a bit straight forward/on the nose.  Perhaps some of the songwriting flare left with the eloped members.  I think this release was to get the lingering idea's of the past out of their system so they can properly attack a full length album next.  Considering how meandering all the post breakup projects were, I'm excited for the future.

12) Glassjaw - 'Material Control'

Fifteen years between full lengths is not ideal.  Most began to give up hope on this mystery record.  That Billy Rymer kid played on this album too!  Unlike 2002's 'Worship & Tribute', some of the songs tend to blend together with only a few true standouts.  Further parallels with Envy on the Coast include writing songs without an official drummer.  With Daryl and Beck doing all the heavy lifting, I can't help but feel that when the time comes to show a studio drummer 12 songs, structure gets watered down.  The tracks lack a sense of adventure, complexity, hard left turns. The vocals are buried in the mix at times, which lends itself to the aggressive bite of the guitar/bass attack.  Alas, it's just nice having something come out finally.

11) Foo Fighters - 'Concrete & Gold'

As my wonderful bass player Joey P. said, "After two career defining albums late in your career, this is the inevitable letdown".  The man is a wordsmith.  Sad but true, and yet...  it's worth noting their mediocre effort is still better than most.  The Greg Kurstin production choice makes zero sense, still.  I think Dave thought it would yield something incredible and people would be amazed by his oddball idea that really paid off.  It did not.  The musicianship is always crisp, so they can hang their hat on that since the songs aren't something you'll come back to again and again.  This is sadly a mostly forgettable album by the biggest band in the world.

10) Haim - 'Something To Tell You'

I waited years for this album.  Chomping at the bit.  Anxious.  Excited.  Impatient.  Guess what...  I barely listen to the damn thing.  I was obsessed with their debut.  Every song was perfectly crafted.  There's some real head scratching moments on this album.  Like producer Rostam Batmanglij using an obvious vocal effect he used on Vampire Weekend albums.  One song features awkward silence as a bridge.  The closer "Right Now" has this off beat drum loop that is damn near impossible to follow which takes you way out of the song because you're trying to nail down the confusing timing.  The girls still shine, and perhaps I just forget that the album is there but I thought with the amount of time invested in writing and recording it would be at least on par with their first album.

9) Brand New - 'Science Fiction'

The elephant in the room.  Sexual misconduct allegations aside, I'm going to concentrate on the music because there's three other band members who invested everything into creating this album and discrediting them would be a disservice to their efforts.  That being said, I listened to this album a lot.  People lost their minds over this surprise release.  I did not.  I was excited, yes.  But let's be clear, peoples obsessive nature for this band clouded their judgment.  It's a good album.  It's not the masterpiece people sold it as.  Considering their penchant for reinvention via back to back releases like 2003's 'Deja Entendu' and 2006's 'The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me', which both served as career defining milestones, an eight year wait should have yielded a much more refined and impressive product.  Still, this record is more tainted by Jesse Lacey's admittance of exploiting his status to take advantage of female fans more than the fact that a very good record isn't a great record.  Who'd have thought that their cheeky T-shirts saying "Brand New 2001-2018" was a much more ambitious timeline than they had anticipated...

8) Portugal. The Man - "Woodstock"

Just a good catchy rock record from a great workhorse of a band.  "Feel It Still" getting radio play should be a victory for us all.  There's a lot of winning moments on this record.  They deserve every bit of success they've worked so long to achieve. 

7) Bush - 'Black & White Rainbows'

Yes, I like Bush.  Gavin is the reason I switched to guitar and became a front man.  Since their "reformation", this music has been questionable, at best.  I hadn't realized how much Nigel and Dave reigned in the songs until they were absent from the process.  Most of Gavin Rossdale's lyrics in the 2010's are complete garbage.  Just meaningless phrases thrown against the wall.  How many ways can one phrase "Don't lose yourself", you ask?  Aside from "what the hell does that even mean?", too many ways apparently.  Here's the thing about this album for me...  I loved the production.  The dry, tight drum sound spoke to me.  The guitars/amps had a vintage pawn shoppe vibe.  It was Hi-fi Lo-fi done to perfection.  Then, out of nowhere...  months later the album is re-released as a "Remaster" with a completely different track listing, two new songs and the lead single has an extended outro chorus.  Lead guitarist Chris Traynor didn't have an answer as to why this happened.  It helped the drums cut through harder and the kick became more vibrant.  It was the right call.  I just wish I was able to blast this album with windows down without feeling embarrassed someone's going to hear the lyrics and lose all respect for me.

6) Dreamcar - 'Dreamcar'

What happens when you mix all the core dudes from No Doubt and AFI's Davey Havok?  You get 80's pop rock bliss!  I was super excited to hear this album and I probably don't listen to it as often as I should.  Not having any expectations or label constraints truly comes across in the music.  It's the musicianship you've come to expect from Tom, Adrian and Tony with the vocal theatrics of later-era AFI with touches of The Cure, Kraftwerk, and countless other New Wave/Post Punk influences.

5) SAINTE - 'Smile & Wave'

I wasn't familiar with Tay Jardine's prior band We Are The In Crowd.  I'm not even sure how I stumbled upon this band.  Maybe Youtube?  Either way, this 7 song EP blew me away.  The production is pristine.  The drums sound huge, the guitars and bass are so full, almost like an Eric Valentine produced record without the gritty/metallic/digital tinge he sometimes gets.  The melodies soar, they're memorable, they're fun.  I wish they had perhaps waited and recorded another 3 songs to make a proper full length.  I can't imagine the challenges of being a female rock vocalist in a post-Paramore landscape but if this is a band finding it's leg's, the future is incredibly bright.

4) Minus The Bear - 'VOIDS'

I'm realizing drummers are a recurring theme in this post.  Minus The Bear traditionally wrote the foundation of their records with guitarist Dave Knudson and drummer Erin Tate.  After Erin's vague dismissal, they had to regroup.  It's odd hearing a release without the heavy handed hi-hat work, but it still feels like a Minus The Bear album.  A casual listener may not take notice, but it's certainly an adjustment with keyboardist Alex Rose taking lead vocals on 3 of the 10 tracks.  While some tracks hit the mark, there's a few slow drones in the mix.  The only unfortunate moment is the climactic ending on closer "Lighthouse". The "A Day In The Life" style noisy build to a cool 16-bit, glitchy, audible seizure seems like an idea they tacked on to a song that was in the same key but doesn't quite follow the songs chord progression.  It confuses the musician in me.  Sometimes you have to let an idea go, no matter how much you love it.  Serve the song.  This was a transitional period navigated better than most.  The next release will be the true test of their ability to gel with the new method of songwriting.

3) Incubus - '8'

So many polarizing, conflicting feelings with this album.  How do you wrap your head around an album with such catchy songs yet such garbage production?  Let's start with the negatives.  This album is really only 9 songs.  The instrumental track is a total throwaway and the mariachi joke song "When I Became A Man" should have been a hidden track at best.  If you combine the prior EP "Trust Fall Side-A", you have a proper full length to be proud of.  Now let's talk production.  Holy hell, it's God awful.  Dave Sardy apparently made Brandon do a million vocal takes and when his voice was good and shredded, used the last wreck of a take.  Guitarist Mike Einziger, a Harvard grad, and a wildly underrated and innovative guitarist had the batshit crazy idea to have Skrillex come in and mix the album.  Dr. Wubwub Laptop Millionaire went even further and restructured songs and removed pre chorus' on top of it.  I'm hoping for the 20 year anniversary edition of this album they'll release the album we should have received.  I want to know Incubus' vision and perhaps a proper mix that doesn't sound like noisy kids trying to blow out your car speakers.  The redemption?  It's hooky as hell.  There's a reason these guys are huge.  They write catchy rock songs.  There's a few odd lyrical moments, but I can get past it.  Lead single "Nimble Bastard" is way to similar to the aforementioned EP's "Dance Like You're Dumb".  I'm still hoping to find out the "vision" for this album.  If I had to guess, they wanted a hard hitting gritty garage rock sound that was a nod to their debut full length 'S.C.I.E.N.C.E.' to compliment/balance the more refined rock they currently create.  Still, nothing will touch 2011's Brendan O'Brien produced 'If Not Now, When?'.  This album might have been a knee jerk reaction to the atmospheric, sparse, mellow vibe of that record.  I would have been equally as happy with a continuation of that mindset.  Though, a hard rock record still feels right for this band.

2) Paramore - 'After Laughter'

The last time I did one of these lists was 2013, and Paramore's self titled album was my number one pick that year.  Here we are in 2018, reviewing 2017 and boy was it close.  So close!  I probably listened to this album the most over the course of the year.  Negate the artsy back patting exploration of "No Friend", which serves nothing more to the album than a self indulgent excuse to have the Me Without You singer inaudibly mumble over a painfully droning outro to "Idol Worship", and you have a perfect record.  Now that we have that out of the way, we can discuss everything they did right with this album.  The 80's aesthetic even has a place in the experience.  After the prior albums brilliance, it was a logical move to stick with producer Justin Meldal-Johnsen.  Where the prior album had bells, whistles and flourishes all over the place; 'After Laughter' has a more spacious sound.  Not to say if you don't pay close attention you won't find wonderful additions all over the place, but the production and mix on this album was a bit more bare bones.  The structures are simpler, the songs are dancier, and the flow is damn near perfect.  The guitars shine when necessary, and the neck pickup finds it's place on the bouncier riffs.  Zac Farro's return to the drum riser shows off what he learned in his time away.  Groove.  The drumming is not that of a rock drummer.  It's someone who's peppering in rhythmic atmosphere and holding back when necessary.  I was so invested in the upbeat tone of the music that I hadn't noticed the writing on the wall.  The lyrics should have tipped me off that things weren't so great in Hayley Williams' camp.  When she announced her very quick post nuptial split from NFG microphone hog Chad Gilbert, the information was in front of us the entire time.  The dark lyricism over the backdrop of uplifting tunes is reminiscent of early Saves The Day records, which, considering the reach of their influence was likely a conscious decision.  This might not have been a step forward in their sound, but a playfully necessary sidestep for a band that felt they were maturing faster than they wanted to.

1) Michelle Branch - 'Hopeless Romantic'

Oh the shit-eating grin on my face right now.  I didn't expect this either.  But holy effing hell!  What an album!  I downloaded this out of sheer curiosity.  2017 was the year of overdue albums and this one beat Glassjaw and Brand New by a mile.  It seemed odd for such a big pop star to go without releasing a full length for fourteen years.  Then to find out she had the Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney producing/performing seemed really interesting.  Winds up the guy is incredible at producing.  Every song is a perfectly crafted pop song.  Not bubble gum pop, but rock songs that could all be radio singles.  If I had to chose a criticism, it would be that "Knock Yourself Out" sounds too Michelle Branch-y.  Like, the Michelle Branch of the early aught's.  There's a vintage feel to the soundscape.  The bass is plucky, the drums are dry and punchy, and the melodies are what dreams are made of.  This collection has been a reminder that you can worry about a million aspects of a song, but a solid catchy melody is what we're all looking for.  It's brought me back to what truly counts in song writing.  A song you can sing along to.  There's not much more I can say about this album.  My inability to dissect this album is truly it's strong suit.  When a great song works, it just works.  Sometimes it comes together so quick you can't even explain the process.  Imagine that 12 times over.  Sometimes it's that simple.