#i know i'll never be skinny but i wish i had an easier time fitting into clothes and also i wanna be really hot

[kulvefaggoth]

Something something being fat and wanting to stop being fat is hell bc the entire conversation is dominated by insane wellness people and people trying to sell you laxatives and literal snake oil

[i-didnt-want-tulips]

6 pounds in 9 days. It should be a miracle, but in my mind the dissatisfaction reigns over all other emotion like a hostile queen screaming at my brain to bring her "A more prominent collarbone! Skinnier ribs because meat is not on the menu for looking pretty in life!" If you make sure no one can tell unless you are dramatic about it, it flies right under their noses. Maybe I thought the confidence to wear tighter clothing would come, but I can tell you now that I would much rather wear those leggings that are starting to not fit quite right and a tshirt than worry about if my stomach is sticking out and going to the bathroom to check every hour. It's easy when everyone around you is so caught up in their own problems and lives that they won't notice a few more bones unless you point it out. And social events? A piece of cake I wish I could eat. Pushing food around gets lost in the conversation and its easier to say that you were focusing on your friends and being a good social person. Why eat when you can drink your fill of calories on the weekend and have your brain too mushy to even feel bad about it? And I know what everyone thinks. "Attention whore. You're so skinny so just shut the fuck up and eat because you'll never be fat. It's just a phase." No one ever thinks to ask, but everyone is too polite to do so and that's the way I prefer it. If it's just a phase then it's been a pretty God damn long phase. Imagine being a middle schooler and being told that your friends are skinnier than you. That would kickstart a "phase" in quite a few people. 7 years full of fluctuating numbers on the scale and doctor concerns and therapy sessions and self hatred burning so hot inside your gut it gives you a stomach ache just thinking about it. That's the kick I got. If I wanted the attention, then why on earth did I fly under the radar for 7 years of longing to be in someone else's skin? Maybe you see me a certain way, but that reflective piece of glass is a torturous mistress of deceit and mind control. I didn't ask for this sickening disease and yet I got stuck with it because unfortunately I haven't been punished enough by whoever's up there by just being given the gift of wanting to throw myself in front of a car some days when it gets bad and feeling an earthquake in my veins when I get overwhelmed. I never wanted to be this way, but the cost of recovery is far too much for me to ask, not including the money. A waste of all that time spent just to not get a license because I couldn't handle a little starvation. A waste of all that therapy time. The emotional strain on the people who raised me and have already had to put up with my struggles enough and will snap if I tell them. Now you tell me if it's really worth it. Maybe I get a little colder than the rest of the general population and maybe I'm a little bit weaker than the rest, but that's what sweaters and as many pushups as I can handle are for. Maybe no one loves a corpse, but dear lord haven't I been a corpse inside for all my life anyway? I'm not stupid enough to let myself get so skinny I'll snap, but it isn't a crime to want to lose a bit is it? It's not worth the worry because I don't want the worry from friends and family. The worry is like a burden and they have enough on their plates. The only reason I'm writing this down is because it's been ripping up my brain like pages in a journal except completely blank because unfortunately my brain doesn't carry a pen to unscramble the thoughts. Maybe I'm skin and bones, but god I want to be pretty and ethereal and delicate but with a dedication I've never had before. I'm fine, it's fine, I'll be fine.