#i said i dont have energy then wrote a brick of text

[subdivisi0ns]

tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗

psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you

1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?

that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some

-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e

-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.

-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)

-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot

ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On

2. What’s your ideal self like?

. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity

well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.

but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.

um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.

ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie

3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?

my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)

4. What’s your main outlet of expression?

writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am

5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?

uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.

6. Do you like to go shopping?

depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.

7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?

i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down

8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?

i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house

9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?

everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great

oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo

also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff

10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?

shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).

okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys

haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions

1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?

2. how important is your social media presence to you?

3. what achievement are you proudest of?

4. describe your sense of humor.

5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?

6. what’s your most interesting family story?

7. favorite color palette?

8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?

9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?

10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?

i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry

[charliereimann]

Heaven's Net is Wide

Her name is spelt Kiyoko, not Kyoko, she corrected me later herself. We met on the bus in Costa Mesa. My buddy had sold me a bogus thirty day bus pass, leaving me unprepared to pay the two dollar fare. I only had a ten and nobody on the bus could break it. She was kind enough to just give me the two dollars desperately needed, I was smitten as kitten. She told me she was Japanese, and that she didn't speak much English. Lucky for me, I happened to speak a little Japanese and I got her phone number. I had actually seen her around town once or twice before, she's a real jaw dropper, slash head turner. She always wore tight Nike gear on her way to and fro the gym. 24 Fitness Costa Mesa is a Mecca for good looking glamorous young ladies in preparation party mode. I had actually thought she was Korean, when I first laid eyes on her, or else I would have said something nice to her then and there at the park in between the gym and her residence. I remember her looking sad that afternoon, her head kind of slumped downward, like she was let down somehow at the gym. As she passed me by, she smiled anyway, just a little, and I nodded and smiled back.

I was on my way to work, that one fine day on the bus, and she was on her way to school. I'm such a shy person, I would have never chatted with her, had it not been for that bogus bus pass. I never did see her again on the bus, but I had her number. I waited about a day before I texted her for the first time. I thought we could get some tea at the nearby Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I did owe her two dollars after all. However she didn't care about the two dollars and wouldn't reply to my offer. "Sorry I'm busy." She once said. I persisted like crazy anyway. I worked out a lot too because I wanted to impress her, I was cranking out fifty-seven pushups tops, I had this unreal energy overcome me. I felt like everything was meant to be, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and all the nonsense that occured in the past was starting to make sense. I had wings. I understood I was out of her league, and that she could do better, but I thought that if she knew more about me I might stand a fighting chance with her.

Not only did I become strong as an ox, I became clever and quick witted as all hell. I was able to speak my peice at the A.A. meetings, and I worked a thorough fourth and fifth step with my sponsor for the first time. I worked hard as the devil at work and I hardly got hungry, and when I did I ate healthy because I desperately wanted this dream to come true. I had plenty of time to write Kiyoko because I spent about five to six hours catching four busses to and fro work for months on end. I told her everything and I mean everything. I bared my soul because your only as sick as your secrets and I wanted a healthy relationship. I also asked her if she had any hopes and dreams of her own but it was like beating the air. After a year or so she finally replied to me. She said she said that she was sorry, and that she didn't understand.

I was at Starbucks one afternoon, (love their logo by the way, the mermaid with the stary crown reminds me of her) checking Facebook, my account thought that I might know her. Thats how I found out what her last name was and a got a little bit of info about her. Not that I'm a stalker, I respect peoples privacy and wishes. Anyway, I was so happy to see her face again, even if it was just a photo. I sent her a friend request and wrote a little something more. She immediately blocked me, I couldn't understand why she wasn't impressed with all my true stories. I guess they're just unbelievable. I couldn't blame her, I did come on pretty strong, I just couldn't help it. As time went by I had relapsed and kind of gave up her for over a year, but I still felt really committed to her. Like she was the one, the only one possible, she just doesn't know it yet. I was super surprised to learn Donald Trump was running for President, to me it was a sign that my dream was still alive because I had mentioned him before in a previous letter. I voted for him because I needed him. That maybe then Kiyoko would believe in me as I believed in her.

I think she has a lot of her own issues, dont we all. I think she was doing what we alcoholics call a 'geographic', thats where you you move to a new place in order to escape a ghost or problem in your life but you cant escape from yourself. I think she's self conscious as women usually are. I found out she moved to Oregon with her boyfriend whom she met our neighborhood of Costa Mesa. I was pissed because he was associated with some some friends of mine. Who knows how long they were going out for. I think she could have at least told me that before I wasted years of my life trying to convince her we are in love. Although it wasn't a waste because I learned so much about myself and things to come. However, how could I ever love again? How can I tell another girl what I had already promised her? Like how do you use the same pick up line twice? I'm not that sleazy, I was really losing my religion. And to top it off, here comes the kick in balls, the guy she left with goes by the name of, 'The Lost Prophet'. Of all the people. You see I got this thing about the devil, and false prophets and such, it's a long story. I started to regret ever moving away from Costa Mesa, it's just that it was the longest bus ride all the way to Brea, where I work. Fullerton was much more convenient. I had quit my job then, I quit just about everything and wound up in Buena Park again. I decided I'd be a Christian and I'd be Charles, no more and less. Then, as if I could ever escape this destiny, another Revelation occured to me. Oh God is good. Prayers go up and blessings come down.

I had this Peter Gabriel song in my head. "thousand churches in her eyes." My roommate brought home a Denzel Washington movie, 'Flight'. At the very end of the movie, he's asked, "Who are you?" Instantly it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm Gabriel, the messenger. The Son of Man, we are one in the same. And we're in love with a boar named Maria. We go way back, if you know your nativity story. This makes perfect sense. So all is well that that ends well. Life goes on and on and on. Currently I'm trying to get Joseph to take one for the team again, the Capulet family can be a bit challenging but I enjoy a good challenge.

As for Kiyoko, I use to think about her all the time, but I hardly think about her anymore because I found the real Mc Coy.

By, Charlie Reimann 7-28-2018