#i should have known that the vague boring impression i'd gotten from fandom (and his and MBJ's usual designs i... do Not like)
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update from my mxtx renaissance is that I somehow never read the Shang Qinghua extra from SVSSS and i just finished it and
#it just balled up a fist and punched me DIRECTLY in the stomach as a author/porn author/with issues with sexuality/#having suffered years and years of depression so intense it was just background noise/was Not A Nice Person partly because of that/#self rejection issues/unhappy family background that made you into a rage ball with a peacemaking fawn response/#you view your main redeeming trait being a damage sponge because at least then you're useful lol/#these are all issues i have gotten way better about sdlijfi dw just.#Why Is Shang Qinghua Me. I'm Me etc#i should have known that the vague boring impression i'd gotten from fandom (and his and MBJ's usual designs i... do Not like)#would not be true to canon#but i was not prepared to go from 'oh i remember his character being fun and Mobei-jun was... fine like there's not much of him'#to 'this is one of my top favorite mxtx pairings and the last ending that made me happy-tearful like this was frickin. Bridge of Birds'#scum villain
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