#i swear one day i am going to fight brennan bc what the HELL

[zukkacore]

⭐️ something you're so proud of that you wanted us to notice but we haven't yet bc !!! it's all so good and we are Sick in the Head

mmmm.... I think while I'm here I'm gonna expose myself for the derivative hack i am and go thru all the stuff that are nods to other things I like! & maybe explain a little if i feel the need to flap my arms excitedly about it. PART 2 | PART 3

"it's you" "its me" - the opening. Obviously hadestown! Obviously it's the thing they say each other when Orpheus rescues Eurydice from the underworld, so is that not similar to healing someone from being dropped lol

This is such a strange pull, but when Jace says "He feels so… small. Like he’s getting the silent treatment from a disappointed parent. Maybe that’s why Porter always felt so familiar to him" I was actually thinking abt bojack horseman. Diane comes from a home full of dysfunction & for some reason I can't get the time she told him "you're the biggest asshole I know and the only thing that makes sense to me" out of my head.

"maybe it was nothing, but he swears he could feel the warmth of a hearth, and her reaching out for him once more" — Kinda a stretch but this was meant to evoke a Hadestown kinda feeling as well. Obviously b/c Ankarna is rage n the sun and the infernal realm is full of the fire motif i wanted to use a hearth b/c there's a more positive connotation w/ fire but. Just the general vibe of "I want a nice soft place to land, I wanna lie down forever". A big point of Jace's resentment at his situation is rage at being denied life but even rest.

The Motivational Poster: PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY n "Instead, an unwilling shriek of a laugh erupts from his throat, and Jace clamps down on his own mouth in horror." that leads into “Incredible,” says Porter, watching in bemusement as Jace tries to fight back tears and laughter brought on by shock. There’s a shooting pain in his sides, he’s shaking so hard. The poster is just so ugly, and he’s so fucked, and he’s in so much pain. - This is such a weird pull. Obviously the poster is meant to be silly and ironic, but i'm skating past that. Actually, I was thinking abt Brennan's story abt the car crash he experienced from Dirty Laundry. He tells his story abt how the car trenched a crater and came just shy of a woodchuck hole and he went to rescue his milano cookies from the car and he was like. Laughing from the shock of it all. I think this idea of laughing out of shock & like amazement n reconciling your own mortality was just very true and striking. Like to me that's kinda what is going on here to me. It's like. Jace is laughing bc the poster is so ugly bc also b/c its like. Wow im so screwed over im so fucked i'm so painfully mortal and my grasp on life is so tenuous and my mortality as a half elf was always something i was aware of and anxious of and feared and avoided looking directly at but in this moment there's a weird. Power in it. A relief in it. An I've always been afraid of death, in fact i'm so afraid of death I chose servitude (and porter) over hell, but he's realizing his power in this situation. He's always viewed himself as dispensable but Porter doesn't need any old spellcaster for the plan, he wants it to be jace.

THE CREASE BETWEEN JACE'S EYEBROWS: “I’ve never seen you so thrilled at your own mortality. I said last week you had a crease between your eyebrows and the next day you called in sick.” and “The line. Between your brows. Right… there. It—“ and “It… used to only show up when you were angry with me, but—” and the times Porter brings up in the flashback. Obviously this thing makes an appearance several times. I feel like this one is maybe a little on the nose, this is When Harry Met Sally. There's something about the intimacy of noticing small details about people that i love in Harry's final speech to sally. something like "I love the little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like i'm nuts!" And it keeps coming back b/c like. Its intimacy. Of noticing the details of someone. But also. The reminder of aging. It used to only show up when he was angry—angry with Porter. Again, that concept of anger, of rage. But also, it's sort of just become on of Jace's wrinkles on his face. Due to stress or aging, could be both. Porter's impact on him. But also. That's just the nature of change. That's just the reminder of Jace's mortality.

"He tries to recall anger, but he’s found it completely dissolved. Even with the shatterstar, it’s impossible." This is also When Harry Met Sally. When Harry gives Sally his big speech, she says "You see, harry? That is just like you, Harry. You say these things and you make it impossible for me to hate. you! And I hate you harry. I really hate you". This was kinda my take on that. Porter keeping piling on the compliments about Jace's appearance, but there's also this noticing of something kinda intimate and personal and imperfect, too. Doing something offbeat that throws jace (and being thrown offcenter being kinda like a whole Trope for jaceporter bc their first interaction being jace saying "everything you say is creepy"). And for someone who clings to the pass, he sure keeps mentioning this sign of Jace's mortality. Sign of his aging. Something about Sally saying she hated harry really just fit here b/c like. Porter is a centerpiece for rage and betrayal for Jace. His whole Thing is rage, and there's that betrayal of y'know. Being killed and brought back wrong by your situationship. Yet there's this strange and intimate acknowledgement of his impermanence and aging that like. Kinda moves jace. (There's also the fact that he's letting go some of his anxiety about aging n death in this fic b/c he's trying to reclaim his power by essentially using his mortality as like. A tool to protect himself from Porter). There's also the tragic fatalistic "I was made to love you" angle that is kinda the undercurrent in this fic. Like. Jace wants to be angry with Porter. But even though he has literally been contorted into a being who like. Runs on rage. In this moment, he cannot find his anger.

"He needs to do something stupid. Again, it’s in his nature. His bones ache down to the marrow for him to cave to impulses that will ruin his whole life. He can see the car crash, but he knows what he’s going to do. He’s known from the minute he Dimension Doored them into Porter’s office." This is such a Fleabag moment lol. There's a scene where she's telling her therapist that she wants to fuck a priest (which is already like SO Jaceporter coded b/c the therapist is like "do you want to fuck a priest or do you want to fuck god" and she says "can you fuck god?" "oh, yes" which like. IS ALSO EXTREMELY RELEVANT TO WHATS GOING ON IN IYWD b/c its just like does Jace love Porter as a man or as his creator? Does he want someone he could do laundry and taxes with or does he want someone to Tell Him What To DO. On some level Jace loves Porter as he is but also there's so much talk later on of Jace essentially wanting to be possessed and yanked around by him and told what to do etc etc). Anyway. she's begging the therapist to tell her what to do and the therapist is like. "You already know what you're going to do. Everybody does. You've already decided." Anyway. I had such a hard time trying to find a Reason for Porter and Jace to just like. Want to sleep with each other and take that step. But I. Realized that Jace has. Ankarna in him and she has shaped so much of how he has become post-shatterstar. Every moment of conviction and decisiveness and seizing of the moment is like. That becomes a Statement. That's all an invocation of Ankarna. He always knew he was going to return to Porter, to try and sleep with him because he has all of ankarna's conviction. And that could be contrived but I think that actually matters so much when the story is about how trauma has changed Jace, but also how being remade has changed jace and how he feels alienated from who he used to be. And again, there's the undercurrent of fatalism b/c he was made to love Porter. This was always going to happen