#i was isolated for YEARS before he pushed me into openly selfshipping. i can't get across how important he is to me succinctly ;;;

[shirogane-oushirou]

OMG RENNIVERSAY???? HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AGAIN YAYYYY GUSH PASS IF U WANT HEHE 🎫🎫🎫

😭💕💕💕 THANK YOU NIIICK!!!!!!! for both the oushiversary and the renniversary (and honestly all of the time), your tags on rbs make me so giddy and emotional and i'm always so thankful ;w; wah.

i have a hard time expressing just how much ren has done for me this past year so... it's rambling time ksjdnfjk...

[pet death mention] my baby boy cyrus had lost his battle with cancer just a week prior to The Dream. i won't ramble about him here, but he was my biggest support when home life got fuck-y; losing him was like losing a part of myself. [/pet death mention end]

unfortunately i didn't have much to focus on afterward... i was trying to keep busy, but the art parties i'd been attending went on a long hiatus shortly after this, and while i TRIED vrc for a bit i found The Social Anxiety meant it wasn't the best choice for me ;;

and then i had this long, cinematic dream, about befriending and getting flirty with a dorky, fruity scientist from the c.dc (lol. lmao. i would NEVER!!!!! that's the very first thing i changed about him KJASNDKJN) who was fun and goofy and was so so loving to his niece who followed him around everywhere ;w;

and then he did a little villain heel-turn after being infected by a sentient parasite (also lol. lmao. my brain trying to bully me and make me feel bad... but it does it in the form of a cute bisexual man? 🥴). and of COURSE when his niece and i acted afraid of him he did the whole "i'll destroy everyone powerful in this city. and i won't let anyone or anything harm you." thing and i just OOUGHHHH. there's more to it than that, and i don't want to ramble TOO much, but he was so clearly twisted-justice-but-loves-people-so-hard core. that's the good shit ughhh.

and so! according to the document timestamp, i woke up at 5:45am, opened my ipad, went into procreate, and went to town scribbling down a vague idea of his face and mannerisms before passing out again. i KNEW i didn't want to forget this guy; i immediately felt he was special. most of my ocs come from dreams in some form, but he was already almost fully formed. The Ideal. To Me...

and when i woke up for real, i spent the day nailing down his design. and i was Officially Doomed from then on u_u

he's changed SO MUCH in the past year (just the fact that i had to revive his supernatural villain form as a separate AU a few months ago is proof of that KJANSDKJN)... as have i. he gave me someone to focus on as i healed, a reason to continue drawing in spite of the aforementioned art party hiatus, pushed me to join the selfship community For Real, lead to me meeting so many people and making so many friends outside of my teeny tiny a-couple of-friends-from-college circle, helped me appreciate the oc creation process and AUs so much more, pushed me to do monthly art challenges that i haven't done since before i fell ill...

and just... made me love myself more. made me appreciate the things i didn't like about myself. helped me realize the potential of selfshipping in general, to be a tool to see oneself as deserving of love, even if it takes making a fictional character play messenger between the self-doubt and self-acceptance bits of your brain.

i likely would have just stayed in my own little corner -- my quiet little oushirou blog that i didn't have linked anywhere, chatting in stream chats but not talking to any chatters outside of that -- if not for ren. i've met so many people who have similar struggles! different struggles! similar and completely different interests! gone completely outside of my comfort zone and found such a good circle of people who uplift each other!! HELL, my art blog has multiple times the followers as i have here, but they only ever interacted with my umi.neko art LMAO -- here it feels like we all want to support each others' art and writing and other creations and rambles and and and.

and it's because ren gave me a reason to make that step. start tagging things, start following people and reaching out, chatting with people who reached out to me... he's genuinely changed my life for the better. ;w; i don't think i'll ever be able to express just how thankful i am that he came to me at the exact moment i needed him most. i love him so so much rghhhrgh. gripping him in my fist and kissing him all over his face forever and ever. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕