#i woke up to the kindest text from my dad and i feel like i've been on the verge of tears ever since

[theghostofashton]

.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 52

This update is actually about day 51, since it's currently just a little over midnight.

I really need to get today off my chest in all its details because there is no one I can/want to tell about it. So this blog seems my best option. Just so it's a day that's recorded somewhere.

I spent the entire day with a friend of mine who doesn't live in Paris but comes here often. She is someone who has suffered and still suffers a lot, but she is truly one of the kindest and sweetest souls I know and I absolutely love her. We met up at around 10AM, so I woke up at 9AM feeling REALLY SHIT because I've been gettinbg very intense and almost constant vertigo from the brutal absence of antidepressants these past days, small side effects from the vaccine (feeling feverish, shortness of breath when making efforts), and a small cold due to the rapid switches in temperatures. All of this combined, taking into account the fact that I barely slept and not even well, gives... a very miserable me lol. Except I'd promised my friend I'd be there with her and there was no chance I was going to let her down.

So I started my day very tired and dizzy, knowing I was probably going to get home 14 hours later, although that meant being with someone I love, which I can only be very greatful for!

The cool things we did today are going to some sort of tiny... market? Like just people selling their stuff, and I found a cheap card game and those tablets you can use to draw (also very cheap). We also found some dolls we were looking for! We ate nice things at a restaurant, sat down for quite a while at Place d'Italie and laughed. My friend also went to get touch ups on her tattoo with an artist I'd seen before and she was honestly ever nicer than the first time we saw her (if that's even possible), the studio was actually inside her home and she let us play the music we wanted and we chatted about one of her tattoos (which I immediately recognized as being from one of my fav tattoo artists) and it was really cool!

So lots of good things you see. However, I feel the bad ones kind of dominated. This morning I get a text from my mom saying she cancelled her plans for the day (going to the movies and eating out). And then at some point early in the afternoon I get a message from her again saying she ended up getting out of bed because she'd met a guy on a dating app who had lost his wife to lung cancer around the same time as my mom and I lost my dad to lung cancer, and that he had a daughted living in London (thinking of it now, I want to see his daughter because life, what if she's my soulmate and we get married and shit okay sorry I'm totally insane). The point is it really hurt me to see that the only thing getting her out of bed was not the love my dad and I bear to her, all the fighting my dad's done and all the fighting I have done too, but just some random man she's never met and is just soooooo excited to meet and it's like the highlight of her day. It just hurts because I've been so incredibly sensitive about my dad lately like just writing the word dad could get me crying somehow.

Other bad thing that happened might seem shocking because why the hell would I consider this a bad moment, but at the restaurant with my friend I just started laughing hysterically over... I'm not quite sure what? I don't even remember? And it happened again later when we were sitting down in a park while watching some old memes I'd saved somewhere. But when I say hysterical laughter I don't mean like "hahaha I can't stop laughing this is funny", I mean like "I am laughing incredibly loudly and have zero control over my body right now and I am laughing so hard I am choking and actually very much in pain". Now that I think of it, it really felt like those couple of moments in my life I was so full of anger that I felt "out of my body" and just couldn't control anything anymore, except with laughter. I find it quite terrifying.

Then we saw a play that was possibly the best play I've seen in my entire life and it moved me so much I actually cried, but I still had to refrain from crying too much or too loudly in order not to have everyone mad at me or ruin my makeup, so it was just one more moment today having to keep my shit together. Also I had to get up like 10 times before the play started because people kept wanting to get to their seats, and then back to the toilet, and then back to their seats, and then they realized they had the wrong seat, and so on. Very annoying if you want my opinion. The play was still excellent though.

Then I realized I got a message from my ex landlady telling me that she hadn't replied to me earlier although she legally HAD to send me documents by a certain date, because she was busy with [blah blah insert personal life details I literally do not give a single fuck about] and she'd sent me a second email which is basically just some shitty screenshot that ""proves"" how much money I gave her so she would leave me the fuck alone except it proves absolutely nothing and does not confirm she will NEVER ask me for money ever again although she's already stolen thousands and thousands from me that my parents struggled to put aside and it got me so hysterical I became, well, hysterical in front of my friend, and then played it cool and acted like I wasn't going insane.

Then my friend and I sat down near the Eiffel Tower and we got a dozen illegal sellers in the span of 30 mins asking us over and over again if we wanted to buy their stuff, I even got a guy lying down next to me and telling me I was pretty and that I was in love with me although my friend and I kept asking him to kindly leave us alone, and then I got a guy selling roses shaking a rose right into my face while I was comfortable lying down watching the Eiffel Tower, and I just wonder, why the hell are people, especially men it seems, like this?!

And then I received a message from one of my mom's Internet friends whom she got into an argument with and blocked. Did not read the whole message but it was very overdramatic and all like "Adieu dear I shall never talk to you again" and I think that's literally SO fucking shitty of him to go and try to guiltrip a 18 year old girl into telling her mom to talk to him again, like I have my fucking mental struggles and enough shit to deal with, can't you just grow the fuck up (you're almost 50 years old) and leave me alone and deal with your own shit on your own instead of sending a lowkey cry of help to ME?

I again would love to insist on how tired, dizzy, feverish, mentally unstable, and just overall sick, I feel. Or I should say I AM.

All of this is real. I am not a lying. I am not a lier. I do not lie. I wish I could tell someone. I wish someone would listen. My uni best friend asked me how I was and I remained very vague. None of my other friends want to hear about my state. My mother is too fragile for me to tell her all of this without destroying her. My grandparents won't understand or won't be able to do much to help except perhaps guiltripping my mom into telling her she's not doing enough. My therapist listens and she's kind but she's very passive because of course this is my life but spending €50 for 45 minutes of me just saying "well I feel kind of bad" and her saying "okay" is literally so pointless, like why isn't she just giving me some words of affirmation?! She might not realize it but simply saying "I know your pain is real" would be fucking REVOLUTIONARY and instead all she tells me is "okay :)" and "oops, we're done with this session, it's time :)"... when I have made it clear that all I need is someone to say they believe me when I say I'm in pain. And she can't even tell me those words. Maybe because just like the others, she doesn't. Or she just doesn't understand my needs. Or both. I don't know. And let's not talk about doctors and psychiatrists who simply tell me I look "just fine" or refuse to listen to me when I say I have episodes that are NOT depressive episodes.

Right now I feel like I'm going through both (hypo)mania and depression. I am so incredibly sad and tired and I just want to rest in bed because I physically cannot keep up, and another part of me is motivated to try her very best to show excitement and joy and also believes in great things. Like two days ago I spent an hour staring at myself in a mirror and interviewing myself like I was a published author. And then today, as I said, I bought one of those tablets to draw because I'm like, secretly convinced I'll become a great tattoo artist, or the next great YA author with famous graphic novels, or I don't know.

I think as soon as my makeup is off I might bawl. I just want to sleep. Please let me rest.