#i won't be able to work with a mental illness dx

[mama-kisu]

I hate when I automedicate and it works. Cause that means the only thing keeping me from functioning like a neurotypical would is a dx, that I can’t get because I would be unable to work in my field because my state is ableist.

[cartoonus-maximus]

Okay, I want to talk a little about my illness and my feelings about it while I'm able to think semi-clearly and put words together.

I haven't spoken about it much in depth on here but I have long covid. Which means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, as far as illnesses go, and it affects people in different ways.

For me, it means I'm much more affected by my allergies than I used to be. And my menstrual cycle has decided to rearrange itself, changing heavily from the pattern I had gotten used to over the past several years (I'm not counting how many years right now). But chiefly it means I'm exhausted all the time. Almost all of the energy my body generates is used exclusively for the basic things my body does to keep itself alive -- absorb nutrients from food, keep warm, regulate oxygen, etc. -- and I'm not left with much else. Some days, I can barely walk around my home.

With all my energy being used for other things, my brain power is heavily depleted. I can't think straight some days. I don't make many decisions for myself anymore. I have days (sometimes even weeks at a time!) where I forget things, because so little energy is being routed to my brain.

I'm sick and I don't even have the mental energy to learn about my illness, or the physical energy to get better. Any energy my body creates is used for the simple basic act of surviving every day.

And when I say I'm forgetful, I mean some days I set things down and forget about them, because my object permanence isn't there at the moment. But I also mean some days I don't remember the title of my favorite shows or books or movies, and couldn't tell you anything about them other than "it makes me happy, even if I don't know what it is anymore."

Like, literally, I started re-watching a show for the fourth time because I forgot the entire thing! DX On the one hand, it's fun to see my favorite shows and movies for the first time again, because how often do you get to do that, but on the other hand, I literally forget everything about them after a few days and it leaves me feeling empty and sad.

Some days I forget my own name, and face, and birthday, and hobbies, and have to reintroduce myself to myself.

Now, that's not to say it's always like that, and I think that's of the frustrating parts. Some days, I'm totally aware and with it and I can wax poetic about comic books I read years ago, I can churn out art and fics with the best of them, and I can analyze Russian literature from decades before my parents were born. I'm eager to chat with my friends about the latest movie or doll release and what are feelings are about where the franchise and industry as a whole is going. I can work part-time and I'm attentive at my job, zeroing in on minor blemishes in the film and removing them quickly, color correcting and editing and cleaning up as needed.

But other days, I feel like a zombie, shuffling around with no real purpose or thought to it. Sometimes, I have to be led around, verbally reminded to eat or instructed which room to go to. I feel like I've lost parts of myself, but I have no knowledge or what was lost -- only that there are gaping holes left. I'm lost in the brain fog, and I can't even begin to find my way out.

And those are the days that terrify me. If I'm being honest, I'm scared that one day I'll wake up having lost enormous pieces of myself, and those pieces won't come back to me, and I won't know enough to even know what they were. I'm scared of losing the things that make me me.

I feel my body failing me, and it scares me. I feel my mind failing me, and that scares me more.

[mybpdbitchass]

There are so many reason why people self dx. In some places there aren't free clinics. In some places they won't accept lgbt+ people. In some places they won't diagnose certain people because they believe things that aren't true (aka: lgbt people are apparently "already mentally ill" so they won't treat them for something else. In some places people's disorders are ignored because they're either "too young" or "too old". In some places the parents won't let their kids or teens get diagnosed. In some places parents are very strict about what apps their kid gets, so they can't get apps that diagnose them. In some places parents are albiest af and it's not possible/safe to get a professional diagnosis. ETC. Not everyone can just "dO tHe WoRk" like the rest of you, when they have literal walls stopping them from being able to. Some people need a label to put on their issues so they don't hate themselves and blame themselves for, for example, not being able to concentrate. Instead of blaming themselves, they could self dx as having ADHD (with other symptoms obvi) and help themselves come to terms with who they are so they can get better instead of hating themselves for shit.

99% of places in the us have a free clinic (i'm not going to speak on other places because i don't know)

your point about lgbt+ individuals is a valid one and i agree with it however there is more than one provider with everything i listed and there's going to be at least one that isn't homophobic/transphobic/biphobic.

if you don't meet the standard age for a disorder you won't be diagnosed. you can be dxed with a personality disorder until 18 and once you become 18 you are too old for conduct disorder. it's how it works.

dxs are not for self acceptance. you may feel better when you get dxed by a professional but that's not what it's for. dxs are for the person to receive treatment. if you are not going to receive treatment for the disorder you are dxed with the dx is useless. you don't self dx cancer because when you have cancer you do chemo/radiation or whatever else the doctor tells you your option is. you feel like you have answers when you get dxed with cancer but you don't self dx it because you can't do the treatment on your own. mental illnesses require treatment just like physical disorders and you cannot do the treatment on your own.

before someone comes and says "bUt wORkBoOkS" that's not treatment that's a workbook and it may help some but it's not a replacement for therapy and medication management.