#i wouldn't be surprised if julia was a college sweetheart

[weidli]

you know what i think if i let myself i Could have emotions about sebastian and masculinity/sexuality. he reads to me as very. Einzelkind whose parents' marriage wasn't quite entirely a happy one but they stayed married because that's what you do. abitur gut abgeschlossen, vier semester kriminalpsychologie, polizeischule, marry young and have 2 (.5) kids and a little house and be kriminalhauptkommissar at 31, by the book and conscientous and good at your work. das hätt ich gerne schriftlich. and then. he's got the script all filled out and he Does love julia and he definitely loves the kids but i do think there's always a bit of an element of playacting to it a bit of This Is What You Do. he's got the box he thinks he's supposed to fit in so he climbs in and pulls in his legs and calls it cozy. do you know what i mean. and if he looks at men the Wrong Way sometimes and isn't always quite happy in his own skin then he ignores it because he's Doing Everything Right, isn't he? and then thorsten shows up! mister ran away from home to live in a wg with anarchists. mister had his own perfect wife and kid (that he did love!) box to sit in and went off to be a professional liar and hider of identity right up until the box got run over by an lkw. mister okay i'll sign your paperwork but i'm gonna sign it pinocchio. mister fuck you and fuck this i'm running over that border to fetch that child back. and sebastian falls in love with him immediately gets a lil looser with the police book rules and follows thorsten over the border and asks his wife if she thinks you can be in love with two people at once and makes jokes about in an alternate universe he'd totally fuck his partner and it's all Safe, you know, because he still has the box. sure the marriage with julia is falling apart and he doesn't see the kids as much as he'd like to but he's still playing the role, isn't he? everything's fine. (and he doesn't notice that julia's unhappy maybe as quickly as he should, because his parents were like that too, weren't they, and it was fine, right?). he's still sitting in the boxes Good Man and Good Father and Good Husband he's just also holding thorsten's hand over the side you know. and then julia drops the hey i can't do this anymore let's get divorced bomb and just SPLINTERS the box he thought was always going to be there. (in favor of a man with a wheelchair, no less, and there's definitely something to be said about perceived masculinity and how sebastian does to some extent see it as a competition). and that's where it uh. gets messy. the script's gone he doesn't know what to do. he drinks and lets the kids paint the apartment walls wild colors and flirting with thorsten feels different too because the possibility of following through is there in a way it wasn't before. (i don't think sebastian is at all the type to cheat, scherbenhaufen cover backstory aside; he strikes me more as the type of guy to latch on to one or two people as His and be loyal forever, you know). something something how nervous he is in freigang about being in a brothel with thorsten while thorsten is just. 100% unphased by the situation. something something the argument they have about trust and control in a room with bdsm regalia on the walls and how jittery sebastian is about it