#i’m on antidepressants / anti anxiety meds and thriving

[anincrediblelife-blog]

A “new normal?” I don’t think so...(?)

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I remember the day like the back of my hand. I had just been admitted to the Johns Hopkins hospital, hooked up to oxygen and IV fluids. I was meeting with my new team of oncology doctors.

They went over my plan of treatment and what to expect. Naturally, as many would also probably respond as, I blacked out. I’m sure it was the lack of oxygen and the mix of pain killers, but I honestly don’t remember any of it. The room went dark, I could hear them— feel their pressence, but my mind had basically burst into a million pieces. So much information given to me in...in what, maybe 30 minutes, tops?

Chemo was a drag, as most would expect. I handled it well, quite honestly. I got sick maybe once or twice my first round, but it was smooth sailing the rest of the way. Fatigue and the emotional sobbing was my biggest problem. It would come out of nowhere. I became sensitive to everything. The sun, the moon, and the stars would pop out and I’d be sobbing. I’d watch my 600lb life... and sob. I’d sit down for morning coffee, and sob. I didn’t fight the tears anymore.

Chemo does weird things to your body and your mind— you’re literally morphing into this lifeless, non-recognizable body. My hair fell out everywhere. My beard fell out. Christmas Day I was in the shower and globs of hairs were just falling out. A few days later I said fuck it, took my clippers, and pulled a 2007 Brittney Spears.

I began to look like my pubescent 11 year old self. It was weird. Just totally taboo.

I was facing a huge challenge now. This really hadn’t hit me yet.

But in all honesty, it wasn’t until my eyelashes, my eyebrows, and the hairs on my legs and arms began to fall out. It wasn’t really until I began to puff up like a fish from all the steroids; and gain the “Freshman 15” that I never did in college. That’s when it really hit me.

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“Holy shit, I have cancer.”

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This “new normal” mentality was brought up so many times to me by so many people in the last year that I have learned to just ignore it...or at least try to.

Uh...Yeah, of course my life is going to change. I was just diagnosed with late stage metastatic ball cancer. I’m 24 fuckin years old, are you kidding me?

I was pissed, so mad at the world. What did I do to deserve this? Everything was finally falling into place for me. My career was taking off, I began to work on my masters degree. I was eating healthy and taking numbers. I had what I wanted. I had security.

I might have struggled financially, but I had begun to get my life together one step at a time.

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I tried and tried to get back to my old self after finishing chemo, going through all these surgeries and getting back to my daily work life and weekend fun.

I was fighting this “new normal” mentality.

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As of recently, I think I’m starting to get what they meant.

I was doing so well, health related. Tumor markers were returning to a normal range, lung mets were still shrinking. I wasn’t worried.

But as I look back from the last few months, I see it now. Something was wrong. My mood fluctuated, my emotions were all over the place. I emailed my urologist to ask for bloodwork for T levels. My hormones went through quite a bit over the last few months— a lot of hormonal changes. T levels came back normal. I started working out again, getting my ass into shape at kickboxing. (What a great stress relief, by the way. I highly recommend.)

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I mean, yeah, I knew I was sorta depressed, but I was back to at least a little bit of what we say ~thriving~ nowadays.

“Living my best life.”

Or so I thought I was...

But then I began to run myself into the ground. I started drinking a lot, being reckless, putting my roommate and my friends through hell. There would be times she would come home and I’d be passed out on the floor from having too much bubbly by myself on a Sunday morning. It wasn’t healthy— for me or for her. I had to get my shit together or I was out. Never did either of us even imagine I’d be struck with cancer. The tension was high. We both knew it, but, at least for myself, I’m not afraid to say I like to avoid conflict.

I was self medicating because thats what seemed what was best for me. In reality, I was self-destructing. And a steady decline I was taking.

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For the last couple days I’ve had a lot of time to think. (Maybe too much time, to be honest.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I can sorta admit that I’m learning to accept these changes— this “new normal” mentality. I didn’t want to at first, but I think it’s ok. Instead of fighting to try to find the old me, maybe this “new normal” is a change that I needed.

A life style change? A new outlook? A restart button? Shut down, and reload.

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Two and a half weeks ago, I had a brain tumor removed. Yeah, the cancer came back. Six months post chemo, six months post surgeries, six months getting back to work, getting healthy— a brain tumor. Surgery went well. They got it all out and I’ll meet with oncology next week for further details and a plan of more treatment if need be. (I’ll be sure to update.)

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What...What I’m trying to say is that this brain tumor and this brain surgery and all that has opened my eyes even more to the “new normal.” The depression seems to have subsided, although I’m not afraid to admit I’m on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and sometimes I feel like maybe we all should just be on them. I truly feel happier. Everyone wants to be happy— and I can honestly say that I’m getting there. I’m working on it. I have my days. We all do. So I don’t let it bother me.

It’s made me wonder— this latest occurance— to think of it as a learning experience. Some higher power put me in this situation to really challenge me...again. And I’m succeeding.

I refuse to lose. I never was a loser. My competitve side really comes out sometimes, catching people off guard. I’m usually the sarcastic wise-ass in the corner cracking jokes.

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I need to start setting life goals. I want to travel more, I want to experience life like there’s no tomorrow. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s turning in a necessity now for me. Tomorrow is not promised. As cliches as it sounds, I want to carpe dium.

And that’s my plan. Carpe the shit out of that dium.

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Enjoy your day, my lovely friends ❤️

[livehealthynewsusa]

I lost my health insurance, but here’s how I get my prescription meds for $4 a month

Yahoo Life has received compensation to create this article, and receives commission from purchases made via links on this page. Pricing and availability are subject to change.

The Rx for Less program is part of your Walmart+ membership. Not a member yet? Sign up quickly and easily! (Photo: Getty)

In spring 2020, my job as an event planner came to a screeching halt due to Covid restrictions. Like far too many people, I suddenly found myself without work — and without health insurance. I’m not accustomed to worrying about how I’ll pay for my essential medications. But suddenly I was faced with an extra $35 bill each month while unemployed. 

I take escitalopram — a generic SSRI known better by its brand name, Lexapro — every day to manage my generalized anxiety disorder and seasonal depression, all of which were exacerbated by the stress of the pandemic. For the past year and a half, my prescription antidepressants have been more important than ever, but so has saving money.

By June 2021, work was still scarce and I couldn’t afford private health insurance. It’s not like I could have just quit escitalopram cold turkey; the withdrawal symptoms can be crippling. But then I learned about the new Walmart+ Rx for Less program, and I knew the tide was starting to turn in my favor. The program makes it possible to save up to 85 percent on an exhaustive list of prescription medications — everything from blood pressure pills to diabetes medication to, of course, antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicine.

Walmart+ lets you have your prescriptions for up to 85 percent off — or for $0, in some cases! (Photo: Walmart.com)

But some prescription drugs are as little as $0. You guessed it: the escitalopram I take to help manage my mental health is on that free list. I now feel like a huge burden is off my shoulders. Having my antidepressants covered completely means I can maintain my health despite my circumstances. And I still don’t even have health insurance until work picks up again. What I do have, though, is a Walmart+ membership.

The Walmart+ Rx for Less program is available only to Walmart + members, so you’re going to have to sign up to the store’s loyalty program if you want to reap the benefits of these prescription savings at 4,000 participating Walmart pharmacies nationwide (in-store only). And getting extreme discounts on the medication you need to thrive is only one of the many benefits of belonging to this amazing program.

Story continues

Let me tell you about all the reasons I’m a Walmart+ member — it’s the same spiel I give all my friends and family members who haven’t yet signed up for it. First of all, you can shop Walmart.com and get all your stuff delivered for free. You get free next-day and two-day shipping on all items, with no required minimum (anyone who’s not a member has to buy $35 worth of stuff before they get free shipping).

Shop Walmart Grocery through your Walmart+ account. (Photo: Walmart)

And that includes Walmart Grocery, which was a life-changer for me during lockdown. Walmart will deliver groceries to your door from your local store, sometimes within hours. All free of charge.

You can sign up for your free 15-day trial here. After that, it’s just just $12.95 a month or $98 a year.

I also save money on gas thanks to the fuel program included in a Walmart+ membership. It’s a savings of five cents per gallon at participating Walmart and Murphy gas stations, which may not sound like a lot, but trust me: it adds up. Especially when work picks back up, and I’m driving from one venue to the next, I burn through gallons of gas faster than you can imagine. And Walmart+ even has a Mobile Scan & Go feature, which lets me bypass the long lines at checkout, which is also important when you move as fast as I do.

In so many ways, my Walmart+ membership has helped me cut down on stress, and now the Walmart Rx for Less program is making it even easier for me to keep my anxiety in check. I brag about the perks so much that my sister-in-law finally signed up last year. Then, bam! Just last week, my nephew developed an inner ear infection. Bactrim, the antibiotic he prescribed, is also on the $0 Walmart+ Rx for Less list. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is!

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source https://livehealthynews.com/i-lost-my-health-insurance-but-heres-how-i-get-my-prescription-meds-for-4-a-month/

[emilyyhill]

Please don’t leave (the conversation).

For the past 7 days, I have been fully anti-depressant free. Before that, I was 7 days on a half dose.

I documented a lot of my journey with depression and anxiety as writing became an outlet. A way to share what was going on for me without having to speak it to every friend, every time I had coffee with someone.

There is a lot of reading and a lot of support for those experiencing depression. Experiencing depression is the hardest thing I have ever endured, and I am so thankful people all across the world can support each other through the written word.

You know what is all too common though? Those who were once avid advocates for mental health awareness going silent when they are well. As soon as they are recovered, they step away from the conversation entirely, leaving it alone. Out of sight, out of mind.

It happens in so many arenas of life.

We post black squares when George Floyd is murdered, but racial injustice never crosses our minds otherwise. 

We fight for the fires in the Amazon, but never consider joining the conversation regarding agricultural burning and deforestation. 

We desire to change the date of Australia Day, but don’t spare a thought to the experience of our Indigenous Australians on any other day of the year.

I could harp on and on. But mental health is the hill I’m choosing to die on. I’ve been guilty of it myself. I’ve seen my friends do it. And it’s not okay.

If we choose to step away from the conversation once we are mentally well, we leave those in the midst of it with no example to look to. We leave them with no encouragement that we can, and will, thrive again on the other side.

With no hope to look to, with no example of what can be, well intentioned encouragements feel empty and void of reality.

I have been 7 days with my anti-depressants. And another 7 on half-dose. This is my third attempt at weaning off. And my third time wondering if I will ever be okay without those little tablets that saved my life almost three years ago.

Choosing to go on antidepressants to help me recover was huge. Coming off them is even bigger.

Unlike my experience with depression, there isn’t a hashtag. There is not a plethora of blogs about “life after”. There isn’t any commentary around the feeling of failure when you try to wean off your medications too soon. No one talks about mourning the life you lost while depressed: the birthdays you didn’t enjoy, the weddings you weren’t present at, the laughs you didn’t have. The conversation simply doesn’t exist.

Depression is represented as an ominous cloud, and once it lifts, you’re all good. Life is normal. You are just like everyone else. Congrats, you’re recovered!

Spoiler: this isn’t true.

But because people who have had depression leave the conversation when they are well, no one knows it. It is presented as this neat little chapter, that simply ends when you start to feel better.

But here is a secret that no one talks about – depression kind of sticks around in some shape or form for quite a while. Even when you feel well.

Not in the same soul-sucking, life draining, exhausting kind of way. You do get better and you do feel well, and life does have colour again! But you are always kind of wondering if it will pop back up. If the “good patch” will expire and if being well is a little too good to be true. You might worry if you will ever be okay with your meds, or if you will have to keep seeing your therapist every fortnight for the rest of your life (expensive, to say the least).

To the dismay of some, the answer to a lot of those questions is ‘maybe’. Maybe you will relapse. Maybe you will need to take your antidepressants for longer than you expect. Maybe you will continue to see your therapist. Maybe you will always keep your finger on your emotional pulse, alert for the early signs of a slip. And that’s okay. Any of those scenarios is 100% okay.

I don’t want to be one of those people who walks away from the conversation when I get well. I want to keep bringing mental health to the forefront. I want you to know that you are safe here: struggling or not, well or not, somewhere in the middle or not.

At the moment, my journey looks like medication withdrawal. A little dizzy, disrupted sleep, but feeling emotionally quite stable. Waiting it out. Giving it another go. Because depression doesn’t end when you start to feel well.

[benandmollycohen]

Hi wonderful friends and family! I’m so sorry I’ve taken so long between posts. Things have been wild and crazy since Ben finally arrived home. 

Great news to start with: Ben had his 5th biopsy on Tuesday. No rejection again! (Still waiting on the AMR stain test, but it should be negative too.) YAY! When the doctor came in to speak with us after the biopsy, his words exactly were: “Your heart looks like a million dollars!” I was on cloud 9 when I heard him say this! When they first checked over Ben’s heart immediately after transplant, half of his heart wasn’t beating as strongly as it should. I was panicking wondering if they messed up on the heart that they chose for Ben. They have seen progress over the last month and to finally hear that his heart looks like a million dollars was the exact encouragement I needed to hear! I thank God every day for Ben’s donor and donor family. 

Next on the list: I’m glad I was warned about the prednisone “roid rage”. We’d be in big trouble if we hadn’t been warned about it. All I can say, is that the steroid rage is very real, and very alive in Ben. When it first happened, I was so quick to fire back at Ben because I’m not the kind of person that let’s people walk all over me. As any married couple, of course we have arguments. And luckily for us, we are great at arguing, working it out and moving on happily. However, with steroid rage, this is most definitely not the case. Steroid rage is in a whole new category. It’s anger that is caused by medications and happens at the drop of a hat, over no real reason. It’s anger that can’t be controlled or calmed or stopped until it passes on its’ own time. And I’ll be honest, it’s pretty frightening. As a wife, it’s scary to watch my husband lose control of his emotions, of his voice, of his body. As a mother, it’s scary to watch my children as they watch their daddy get red in the face and shake with rage, and yell out things he wishes he never said. As Ben’s “nurse” I watch in awe as I’m able to see just how horrific steroid use can be and how it can completely take over your mind and body. 

Even though I was warned and felt prepared for all of this, I wasn’t ready for this. I’ve prepared myself by knowing that all I have to do is ignore him when he goes through a “roid rage episode” and just to give him space. I thought it was going to be so easy to just remind myself that “it’s just the meds talking” and not my Honey, not my husband. But the truth is, it’s hard. This is harder than the anticipation of “the call”. This is harder than seeing my husband for the first time after his transplant with a thousand tubes and wires connected to his body as he lay there lifeless. This has been the most mentally exhausting part of this entire experience from the first time Ben got hospitalized two years ago. 

Last Friday, things got so bad that I had to call Ben’s doctor behind his back. I know “roid rage” is a side effect of his prednisone steroid, but I was so worried about him that I called his doctor in full panic mode ready to demand that something needed to be done. As I explained to the doctor what was going on, she met with the team and called me back immediately. The doctors decided to take Ben off of prednisone and switch him to another steroid, one with a “lesser roid rage” side effect. They said it wasn’t going to be perfect by any means, but something to at least help lower the awful side effects. They also had to put Ben on an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication in hopes that that too would help Ben. 

When I called the doctor, I took Colton to the supermarket to make sure Ben didn’t hear me talking to her. When I got home I had to gauge his emotional level with small talk. I had to tell him that I called his doctors behind his back. How could the sudden medication changes be explained? I kid you not, I nearly peed my pants as I said the words, “Honey, we need to talk.” The latter four words are words no one ever wants to hear, but I needed to make sure he was listening. As I spoke to him, my mouth was trembling, my eyes were watering, and my hand was shaking as I was trying to gently hold his hand. Somehow I mustered up the courage to tell him I called his doctors and spilled the beans on everything that had been happening over the last week. He was speechless (thank goodness!), and so I made sure to tell him that I only did this because I love him, I was worried about him, and that I want to make sure he was okay. He nodded his head in agreement and simply said “Okay”. 

If you’re wondering, “well what happened exactly? Does he seriously get upset for no reason?” Here’s two examples: Jackson took a tomato and some cheese off the cutting board. Roid Rage. I cut the sausages the wrong way. Roid rage. Screaming, body shaking, slamming doors kind of rage. Seriously minuscule stuff, but at the time, for Ben, these things were the worst things to have happened ever. It sounds super silly right now to say that Ben got mad over a tomato and sausage, but that’s what happened. And that’s why this is so mentally exhausting for me because I don’t know what is going to cause the next “blow up”. When the “blow ups” happen, there’s NOTHING I can do to help him besides shut my mouth and give him space. That’s the other mentally exhausting part too because every ounce of my being wants to help him and find a way to calm him down or cheer him up or just find something else to talk about to get his mind off of whatever set him off. But I can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried it all with no luck. 

The most heart breaking part is that Ben can feel his anxiety heighten as a “blow up” is coming on and he just literally cannot stop it from happening. Every single time the “roid rage” takes over his body, he apologizes to all of us and wishes he could take back everything he said and did. He talks to me after the boys go to bed and describes what it’s like in the moment. It’s like an anxiety attack filled with rage. He doesn’t know why these things set him off. It’s like someone else is taking over his body and he’s watching like a fly on the wall. Unfortunately, Ben is falling right into the textbook description of what happens to your body when you’re on steroids (post transplant at least). The doctors told me that unfortunately I’m not the first person to make that phone call behind their loved ones back, and I won’t be the last. 

My heart breaks for Jackson the most. He’s 5 years old and has shown us how much he remembers and I just don’t want this tainting his view of his Honey (Daddy). Every time an outburst happens, I always pull Jackson aside and remind him that this is just daddy’s medication talking and that soon enough, Honey won’t be on that medication any more and that he’ll go back to being his normal self. It’s gotten to the point where Jackson rolls his eyes, cuts me off and says, “I know, Mama. It’s Honey’s medicine.” :) At least I know he’s listening! And Jackson, with a heart of gold, always tries comforting Ben by patting the couch space next to him inviting Ben to watch an episode of Pokemon together and snuggling. Yet another reason to be mentally exhausted: the total mix and range of emotions! 

I didn’t mean for this post to get so detailed (I never do HA!). Sorry this wasn’t an uplifting post either. I promise, most of the time, Ben is great! They’ve been changing his meds around a bunch over the last two weeks, so he hasn’t been feeling his greatest as it’s taking time for each of the new changes to work right. But, minus the outbursts, Ben is thriving! The doctors say Ben is another 1-2 weeks away from driving again! And, once his chest tube site on his stomach is fully healed, Ben is allowed to go swimming! (But can’t submerge his head for a while.) Ben hasn’t been allowed to swim since before May. But living in Boston, the weather wasn’t warm enough to swim since the summer before that. So Ben hasn’t been swimming in nearly two years and we are just a couple weeks away from that! Little victories are slowly coming our way and it is so great! Soon enough these “roid rages” will be a thing of the past and yet another obstacle we can celebrate overcoming. 

A few more little victories to be noted: 

1) The flu has officially left our house! (Jackson and I still have annoying coughs, but the doctor said we are no longer contagious and can be mask free in the home.)

2) We all went to the zoo and walked around in the 85 degree heat for a few hours! This is such a feat because prior to transplant, Ben never had any energy to do anything. This is a feat even after transplant because Ben lost a lot of muscle tone from laying in a hospital bed for 3 weeks, and even longer when he got discharged, so walking around is hard enough. (Let alone having to wear a mask in the awful heat! He took it off briefly for the picture.)

3) The doctors approved Ben to be allowed to take his mask off outside as long as there isn’t dust being kicked up where he is walking, and there are no people within a bedroom sized vicinity of him. Wahoo! 

4) Ben will be able to start cardiac rehab very soon! He will be able to slowly learn how to workout again and build muscle back. Working out is something that Ben has wanted to do for years now, but hasn’t been able to do because of his heart. But now he has a million dollar ticker and he will work out! 

5) Ben is getting back into the kitchen able to do a little bit of cooking again! He is the chef in our house and it kills him not to do the cooking. (I’ve kept us alive though, right?) He has been thrilled to be jumping in and doing more and more cooking. 

6) And for me, I finally made it back to my stroller strides workout class! It’s been at least a month since I’ve been to class, and boy do I need it now more than ever! I’d be too embarrassed to tell you that I ate 3 pints of ice cream in one week... on top of ordering delivery McFlurries... Yikes. Hopefully I got my stress eating over and done with and can get back on track. Ice cream is my greatest weakness. :) 

7) Colton is a walking machine! He’s too confident now! He loves running away from me mid diaper change... and has peed on the floor twice this week when I don’t get him fast enough. HAHAHA ooops! 

8) Jackson is a Pokemon machine! We are a family that has become addicted to PokemonGo and I never thought I’d ever say those words. At first, it was a cute bonding experience for the boys, but now they’re roping me into and we have all grown to love it! I get more and more amazed by Jackson each day. His attention to detail and the things he remembers is truly remarkable. I cannot believe we are signing Jackson up for Kindergarten! 

Even though the bulk of my post was “negative” I want everyone to rest assured knowing that it’s just another bump in the road and we have plenty of “positives” to hold onto and keep our spirits high. Because of the nature of this post however, and our current situation, I have asked Ben to not read this post. So, please continue to check in on Ben, but do NOT mention his “roid rage”. Please. I’m not writing any of this to make him mad, I’m simply acknowledging what is real in our life right now, so a few years down the road, we can revisit this and see just how far we have come. I’ve also written this to let all of you know that if you’re ever with, or talking to, Ben and he loses it over “nothing”, that YOU cannot take it to heart what he’s saying and to tell yourself “it’s just the meds talking”. Roid rage will be gone soon enough, so don’t worry! We have such a new wonderful life to be so thankful for and to make the most of it. One day at a time! 

We’ve been to the hospital twice this week for the biopsy and more blood work. Tuesday Ben has to visit the vampires yet again, and the following week will be his 6th biopsy. I’m going to do my best to get back to weekly posting, or at least bi-weekly posting! 

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and encouragement!