#i'll b back soon. maybe. idk hopefully after my final papers are done

[jamqyu]

ummm…..hi

yeahh i know i got quiet on literally every platform i exist and i have no idea how to come back from that. i didn’t want to suddenly resume posting as if nothing had happened. the amount of inbox notifications tell me some of you might know what‘s going on since my friends posted about it and tbh i’m too nervous to read them right now i’m already a little anxious about writing this but i owe an explanation especially since my last 2 posts from 3 months ago (now deleted) were quite worrying, i guess? i initially planned on posting this a while back but the original thing was written on a particularly bad day so it was just one long super depressing vent ahaha. also school got in the way and more stuff happened so i just couldn’t be bothered with rewriting. today is a better day so it’s best if i do this now.

a lot went down around the third week of september; i don’t want to go into specific details since most of it is done and over with but it lead me to attempt suicide, and i can’t really say that i’m 100% fine now even though it’s been almost 3 months but i’m definitely feeling better in comparison to how i was handling everything at the start (ESPECIALLY during october god i was a big fucking M E S S™). it's a slow progress and there is still much to work on. i was told only a handful of people knew about this but all the looks i got when i came back to uni made me feel in the spotlight. i was extremely guilty and ashamed and i still am, i apologize profusely even if i’m told it’s not my fault. some of my friends became distant, going as far as refusing to even talk to me and i...really don’t handle rejection well, it’s one of my biggest fears. i also had to take a break from all my online platforms because i knew if i kept coming back and ignoring what was going on irl rather than doing something it would make things worse.

the problem i have with the most is that despite my efforts to “keep going” life just keeps hitting me with one thing after the other. i try to handle them but i'm starting to feel futile, you know? like nothing i do is helping so i wonder what i doing wrong. even though i told myself i wouldn’t do it, and i swear, i don’t want to go through the aftermath again, there are still nights where i come close after a really bad experience and it scares me sometimes. but like….i’m just really grateful to have forced myself into stop being a little shit about getting help bc honestly, the initial recovery fucking sucked.

OK WOW aside from that, sorry for all the bad boods rn yikes the vent’s over i promise ;v; i’m just not in a position where anything is fun?? not even my favs or whatever because god all that’s been on my nerves recently, i had some bad encounters with members of one of my biggest fandoms so i’m just turned off by the whole thing now i have no idea what to enjoy lmao. it’s also exam season and holy shit i'm dying scoob. i’ll follow up when i’m not drowning in papers because i need to do a mass post clean up for my blogs since they’re all messes, maybe change their themes too, and my friends who I left my bd dio and worldy blog to didn’t post anything because “we can’t do it without you” smh haha so now i have to deal with that as well

so yea if you’re still reading ty for your time sorry for being an xxl fool, leaving my last two posts here like that was a bit of a dick move on my part but i just didn’t want to open any of my social media. and to my friends and mutuals who haven’t forgotten about me *muah muah* i don’t deserve you why do you still follow me fjshfhs;’ ;A; kthnx à bientôt.