#i'm just anxious and spiralling 24/7 over nothing

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

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[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

The idea that I'm holding myself in this place...

It inherently both feels true, but also...

I go to just... lay down.

*Knowing* I should be spending this time in high gear. Getting my shit together. Working. Getting new clients. Doing yard work. Repainting. Cleaning. Organizing. ANYTHING to make a change... and... it's so much work and I'm so tired.

This HAS BEEN the problem for a long time. I'm tired during the first half of the day. I ALWAYS have been. But... Rachel gets home at night so if I want to have done shit BEFORE she got home... I need to have started before I naturally feel motivated to. And it feels awful.

And once she is home, I'm so anxious I do nothing. That has to change too. I can't keep doing nothing to appease her.

Honestly I just need to end this soon...

Figure out the language for *something*

She had asked about me "needing space" and I wasn't sure if she was asking if I wanted us not to hang out in the same room at night, or... like a break?

I don't know if saying I "need space" wouldn't be clear enough. I feel like saying "you need to figure out new housing" is too cold.

"I want a break" implies I see us getting back together, or we're still kind of together. I'm unhappy implies this is *just* about my mood and not about her being a bitch lately.

As much as I was annoyed with Greg for breaking up with me over text in such a vague unclear way, I suuuper get it now, this is hard when things aren't on fire. I've only done this in terrible relationships.

It HAS to be soon though. Avoiding every 'I love you' is impossible. Swerving talk about our anniversary last night was another thing.

Why is she pushing this so hard when she HAS to see how uncomfortable I am? I'm assuming it's to keep getting the same reaction, so she can then say "look how awful you are, what a terrible girlfriend" but then in the same night will say how I can't make her leave.

Which is it?

I know *which* it is. She wants things to be back like when we moved and I was depressed and had no friends and only her. And lost myself and just was *there* 24/7. No opinions, no personality, no life outside of her. The drug use ramped up, the panic attacks and suicidal thoughts ramped up, that was all A-OK as long as I was home and on the couch where she could see.

The second I started leaving again?

Meeting people? Fighting to be a person?

I was the worst. Mean. Spiraling.

I *wasn't* spiraling when I took so many pills I fell asleep driving, but I'm spiraling NOW because I don't ask for special permission to have more people at my doctors appointments despite COVID restrictions...

I'm still SO ANGRY about that confrontation...

[pop-punklouis]

hey hope. this is probably oversharing and definitely overstepping, but i really just need to rant. this is gonna sound weird but i just started freshman year, so i'm probably one of your younger followers. but honestly i'm so stressed and anxious. i have friends and most of my teachers are good, but i'm honestly not used to the workload. everyone else seems so carefree, but honestly, i've always cared too much about grades and stuff like that. i sort of coasted through middle school, and now i'm really worried that i've reached my peak and nothing will ever come easy to me again. it all sort of hit me tonight and there's just this giant ball of dread in the pit of my stomach. i know school will get easier, but by the time i get used to it, i'll have to deal with college, and getting a job, and living on my own. really, i have no fucking clue what i'm doing, and i'm just quietly marinating in that feeling. so yea. hope you're having a good night.

oh no, hi babe!!

you’re most definitely not overstepping at all. you guys can always come to me and talk about whatever. never feel like you cant! and listen *cracks back* *takes a drag from a cigarette* as an elder 24 year old, i know high school very well. high school was….. not the best experience if i’m being perfectly honest lmao. yet, that wasn’t so much on school as it was those around me and the environment. i loved learning, actually, even though the workload was a bit heavier.

there’s always going to be these nerves when you start a new chunk of academia. middle school…. high school…. college… because it’s all so unknown and you don’t know exactly what to expect!! fun fact: i still get that way every time i start a new semester of schooling— i freak myself out about the syllabus and work load but almost always i adapt to it quite quickly and that anxiety dissolves. im saying that only to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling this dread and fear. many, many people do. but, this pressure doesn’t have to cripple you. it is different than middle school, you’re right, but i found that the way you study and prioritize that study, ultimately, defines how stressed the workload actually is on you. i had a great AP BIO teacher freshman year of high school that taught me everything i know about study strategies and organizing the time to get into coursework without feeling overwhelmed. he used to be a professor, so his way of teaching reflected that. so! i’m going to pass those tips onto you x

1) make sure to organize your workload based on class and what deadlines are due the soonest (i recommend getting a tiny planner just for course work) this allows you to see a physical embodiment of your schedule and what needs to be done without just scrambling in your brain. 2) have the recorder on your phone ready anytime your teacher is lecturing in class (this has been my absolute lifesaver), so you can go back and listen to it whenever you want and also write notes from that recording without the pressure of the clock. 3) any extended assignments such as readings or projects or essays etc. don’t have to be done all in one sitting. prioritize blocks of the reading or parts of the project/essay for certain days and only get that done on those specific days. this causes you to feel less overwhelmed about workload as you’re chipping away at it little by little instead of facing it head on. 4) if it’s written on the board or repeated twice— it’s important and will probably come up again later on a test or discussion etc. 5) read out loud as sometimes it’s better attained if you can hear the information that you’re reading. 6) flash cards!!! are your best friend!!! use them!! 7) color code certain sections of notes or information you’re studying as i’ve always found that color helps me retain what i’m studying when it comes to regurgitating it later. 8) if you find that you don’t understand parts of the coursework, find examples that relate to your experiences rather than the textbook. 9) always ask questions or even go to tutoring if you don’t feel comfortable enough with something that was taught in class— i never needed tutoring before high school and i had too much pride to go when i needed it so i flunked a few tests before i realized that my pride is dumb and it helped tremendously. and 10) most importantly, give yourself room to breath!

i know when we spiral down an anxiety rabbit hole, our mind just lays intrusive thought over intrusive thought until we’re lying in a puddle of defeat and thinking that our life is going nowhere lmao. but, you’re so young, bb. you’re just starting high school. these thoughts about college and jobs and living on your own do not have any right to cause you this much fear and existential dread right now. it’s still a ways away, and isn’t affecting you presently. i’ve learned that giving yourself grace and focusing on your present more than your past or future keeps you from having a meltdown. you can only control your present, and it’s vital that you take it one step at a time. you don’t have to try and climb all the stairs at once. face each struggle or worry as they come not as they materialize in your mind. life is all about these stepping stones that culminate into something larger, so don’t feel like you have to take on the world every day. sometimes, you can just take on a monday and let tuesday wait.

sorry for this being so long!! i hope this at least encouraged you a bit. you’re going to kill freshman year. i just know it ✨