#i'm not a believer but it comforted me to imagine a kind and benevolent entity taking time to commune with my frail little cat

[echeveriia]

in repose/talking to god

[the-amalgam-house]

I've been thinking about spirituality a whole lot these last couple years. I was raised in a Christian household (no denomination) and rather recently walked away from that religion. It'd been something I had been thinking about doing for several years prior to actually finally and officially allowing myself to say. But I still am a spiritual person by nature, I just don't now exactly where I belong.

I don't completely begrudge my past in Christianity, there were still plenty of good things about my experiences there. But there were plenty of bad ones as well, bad things that speak even louder than the good. Notably, it was the suppression of my identity as trans and gay that took the biggest toll. Even with all kinds of evidence that these things are NOT actually stated as sins in the Bible, Christians only listen to what they want to hear. But the fact that you can't argue with or question the religion, the idea that any entity ruling through fear could somehow be benevolent, the idea that any slip up without deep self deprecating apology and conforming could send you to Punishment Forever And Ever and that god still be labeled as "loving"... none of it ever made sense to me. I was pressured into believing that any little misstep would end up with my soul being treated to unimaginable horrible pain for the rest of the existence of time and the universe.

Imagine what that does when you realize you're transgender, when you realize you're gay, when you pray and pray and pray for god to make you "normal" and it never happens (because you are exactly who you're supposed to be), when you have mental problems but therapy, psychology, etc is seen as evil. When your special interests (cause it turns out you're autistic on top of your adhd!) deal with things considered occult or witchcraft or magic and all of those are evil and of the devil and if you participate you go to Super Hell.

I like tarot and tessera. I like the energies of crystals and other stones. I like coffins and skulls and animism and Judaism and Greek and Nordic gods. I like the simplicities and complexities of romantic partners being more than just two people. Polyam groups working as villages to support and uplift each other. I like not thinking I'm a horrible person for my intrusive thoughts (cause remember, God can just hear all your personal thoughts without consent or anything after all), and I love that I'm getting more control over that idea that I can still be okay even when I think terrible horrifying things.

I like these things that make me truly happy, and I hate how Christianity made me miserable. Of course I would find at least a little solace in pieces of it, an oasis in the oppressive desert that gave any relief. I liked "worship" because I was allowed to sing without people telling me to shut up. I often went through church specifically because lunch was always served after, and I really like food (plus growing up poor meant sometimes we didn't have enough food at home). I liked the meditative prayer times the church would set up outside of sundays because we got to lie down in the chairs with very chill vibes music and for a few hours no one could get on my adhd ass about being lazy just for relaxing and taking a nap.

I liked socializing after church, getting to talk with my mom in a setting she feels comfortable. I liked getting away from a home full of screaming and drinking and punching walls. I liked when I could run the projector cause that meant I could stay seated when I really didn't feel like standing.

But the homophobia with all the pray the gay away, the "god doesn't make mistakes" transphobia when I never called myself a mistake to begin with. The antisemitism of it being a "Jews for Jesus" church, the colonization of bringing native practices into a colonizer religion. The cult-like chants of pledging allegiance to the Israeli flag...I left before they started doing that.

I just want to find a spirituality that actually feels fulfilling. I know Christianity works for my mom, and maybe for my dad (tho he was largely not an active participant his whole life), and for some of my friends and maybe my brother. And that's very cool if they can actually feel fulfilled in that religion, but I can't. I like a lot of the rituals (prayer before meals, sometimes praying in general, community gathering, etc) and will likely continue those rituals throughout my life. But. I also want to find my own rituals, practices, somethings or sometimes beyond to speak to. I'm trying to tell myself that even if there were good things there, everything has it's time and everything comes to an end and that God would never be mad at me for trying to find my spirituality elsewhere and would just be happy that I'm trying to find my way to love and spiritual fulfillment.

Even if someone is abusive, often we still miss them when they're gone. I do miss parts of Christianity, but I know that in this moment that part of my life is behind me and I need to move on.