#i'm stuck in the twilight zone today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

windalchemist001 · 9 months

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electric twilight

I sighed deeply as I woke up, I knew that I should be more excited, but honestly today felt like there was a weight on me, maybe because of all the stuff I had to do?

Soghing at the thought I got up after all Crowley wanted me to do some stuff for him, and hopefully that jerkwad would actually keep his promise and give me some extra spending money for tonight. Taking a moment to pop my joints I stood up and moved about to change into some clothes that I had manged to scrap money together so I wouldn't be stuck wearing just the uniform or trying to piece together clothes from the outfits I've been given for different celebrations we've had.

I yawn left my mouth and I rub at my face as I hoped to get rid of the sleep that seemed to want to pull me back to its grip. But nope work. And thankfully I had help with said work as I moved over to my lovely feline and picked him up. Though it was clear he wasn't to happy. Not that I cared we are both going.

"Come on grim, we need to earn money to go to the light's festival tonight." I set grim down since he was now awake and complaining about being awake so early which I than rolled my eyes and mention I'll make food which seemed to make him happy.

Honestly how is it that food always makes him happy, I don't know but at least it made my life somewhat easier to deal with him.

I hummed as I moved to get out of my room and waving to the ghost who were sort of my roommates. It was so odd I've slowly gotten use to all this. And yet I sort of had to though I wish I didn't but it is how it is, at least ill have a lot of fun so I can't wait, oh and if I'm lucky both of my crushes will actually make an appearance since both said they were going so being able to interact with them always made my day.

A weak hearted fool i am, but damn it, I need something to keep me sane in this crazy place. And its not wrong for me to have feelings. Though my heart ached knowing that the feelings were sadly one sided. And I couldn't help but sigh knowing that.

But pushing that thought to the side I washed my hands and than begin working on breakfast, amy mind already thinking about how after eatting I would have to deal with the headmaster dumb ass and than I need to meet the guys to take the bus lead to town. It was a lot but it would be worth it hanging with friends after all. And with that I smiled deeply thinking about how fun the night festival was be

_______

Several hours later had me hummubg as I shifted my bag. After all the bs and struggles we arrived in town, honestly im super excited we some how manged to get here since Crowley had me (and grim to a lesser extent) that i had almost missed the last bus heading to town.

Though I had told the guys to leave ahead of me. Only ace and deuce stay behind the others left. But ill be honestly i was rather greatful they hadn't left me behind because i hate being alone despite me always asking for it. I am rather cat like in my personality.

I was also glad that my three dummies were not to upset with me, maybe because they felt it was Crowley's fault (which it was, because fuck him) i took a deep a breath to calm my nerves since no need to be ticked when I'm off to go do something fun righr?

Though I must admit I did find myself a bit nervous since unlike the other few times I went into town with professor crewel or professor train. I was going to have to be the adult in the group given my dummies did always find themselves getting in trouble and i sometimes wonder if they were all toddlers rather than freshman in collage. Again I signed deeply hoping for the best.

But with that sighed it seemed my vision came to focus and I begin actually seeing everything out the window rather than be blared out do to me zoning out and faded into my own world. And I must admit this experience was much more different than looking out the car window because I didn't have to keep grim controlled (well not as strictly any way) on my lap rather grim had his own seat and was currently getting in another verbally disagreement with ace. About what I wasn't fully sure but I tune it out since it didn't seem to important for now.

No rather i spend my time looking out the window hoping to remeber the way everything looked to try and draw it, if I can even begin to try to give it justice (which I'm sure I can't but I want to at least try) but I also decided to take a picture since at least I would have a lesser copy to use as reference.

But of course taking a picture seemed to draw deuces attention who wasn't fully un the fight and with his questioning grim and ace seemed to turn to me.

I rolled my eyes and explained i was taking a photograph of the city and the setting sun. After all the way everything looked could be the perfect background for a movie or comic. And i didn't mention it but I could use it in my not so rewrites of my/borrowed stories (hey! It's not like copy infringement can get me in another world) and its not all borrowed works since some were my own stuff too.

I made a mental note to continue some of my work since i need to put out a few chapters, but didn't think to much on it as ace than begin talking about what he planned on doing again, which I softly tuned it out so I could still respond to, but honestly I wasn't interested in having to watch ace hit on girls, if I was a guy, maybe, but I wasn't into it, and I wonder if it was a good thing or a bad thing that ace was cool with saying it infront of me, though wish they felt like this, before and maybe we could have avoided the whole azul incident..... maybe.... probably not.

I sighed again, and it seemed deuce my second fave (favorite if only humans) dummy decided to speak at least seeming to be aware that I wouldn't be into trying to hit on random people.

Which I agreed to and even voiced that I would rather wait with a first aid kit from the side lines. Hinting that I was sure someone would end up slapping ace in the face. Actually, I could picture ace as Johnny brovo and him going flying. Honestly it made me chuckle at the thought and admit to nothing when questioned about the laugh.

Thankfully deuce had said something to annoy ace and thus the two begin fighting and I decided it might be wise to break into the snacks I bought to shut them both up. Again I couldn't help think of them like toddlers. I again hoped the bus ride would be quick

____________

Sure the bus ride wasn't that long when trying to be peace keeper it felt so much longer. But once done the guys quickly darted over to the ticket booth while I followed behind them, not just because of my lack of height, but also because I always did prefer to be in the back hidden away and not dealing with to much bull.

Ace was going a mile a minute trying to seem to get the guy to drop the price a few thaumarks so we can get ride all the ride wristband. And while that was nice and all but I sort of didn't want to ride all the rides since I didn't know if I felt safe riding a pop up roller coaster and given that last pop up ride, I rode I almost fell out of (me being a small child be damn)

So me avoiding things that go up high would be nice. But I did want to do that gravity ride which would be cool. I hummed as it seemed ace manged to get the wrist bands for us and i thanked him. Sure ace can be a tad annoying but he was still a good friend (though a bit of an ass hole, but in a good way)

Taking the bands for me and grim I moved to put it in his ribbon collar knowing he wouldn't be able to keep it on unless I put it on his tail but it would be easier to lose it there once done I put my own on. And moved to give him what I owed for them which I had mange to catch being thirty percent off, which wasn't a lot but it still also helps.

So once money exchange hands I waited for the guy to lead the way and rolled my eyes when ace tried to get deuce to pay him full price due to some bs fee.

Honestly these two idiots. So again I cut in and mention we should try to do a lot of stuff before the parade and fireworks begin, which seemed to get them in gear. I also wonder if we would find the others. Which also made me wonder if I would see the two guys I really wanted to see. Even if this love or perhaps crush was all one-sided just being near them made me happy.

Even if it was stupid and foolish, sighing wistfully I found myself trailing behind ace and deuce and ended up seeing and pointing out a water gun game and moved over to see the prizes. Looking about i trying to decide what I would want i soon found and adorable rabbit stuff animal and I turn to tell the guys only to see they were gone.

I couldn't help but frown and pushed down the panic that begin to fill me. Was it because I got abandoned, or was it because those three always got into trouble when left alone, maybe a bit of both. Quickly moving away from the booth and did my best to weave between people hoping to find a hint to one of the three. heck ill make due with anyone I know, since either they can help me find those three or at least make me feel safe.

I called out for my friends hoping they would answer me, seems now I've become the toddler lost in the crowed, it unsettled me how they could invite me and than abandoned me, like some sort of cruel prank, perhaps that was where the panic was coming from? Knowing and conformation that im unwanted?

Like some cruel reality check that I've forgotten as if me diluting myself into belive I had friends was only but a fools earns and I like always am nothing more than a tool to be used for nothing more than a punching bag.

Breathing was slowly becoming to much as the dark thoughts began making its way to the surface choking me, as I continued looking about. The bright lights of festival seeming to be some cruel reminder of what I can't feel like.

It also highlighted the joy and happiness of others far different from my own state of mind. I called out for the guys once more I could hear the slight cracks in my tone as a mix of fear and panic seems to slightly bleed into it.

Surely if I didn't calm myself I would send myself into a panic attack. But the sound of my name being called seemed to snap me out of my mid panic and had me jump at the suddenness of it.

Turning to see who called, shame suddenly replaced the feeling of fear, after all a familiar group and sort of unlikely group were walked up to me. And while one was the most important of the group two were the ones I didn't like for a couple of reason.

"Are you ok? You seem to be slightly panicked." The voice that was filled with concern, while normally was made me feel comfortable, as if i didn't have to worry about the bs that im normally surrounded with. But at the moment was filled with a mix of emotions. After all how was one meant to feel with your crush seeing you doing something shameful? But than again he seems to actually be very worried about me, which belive but made me feel at least liked even if he only saw me platonic

And while I wasn't really fine I didn't want to seem needy and thus lied that I was fine . Though I decided to mention that I misplaced the trouble trio.

Seeming simpathic trey informed me he hadn't seen the for a while and I quickly apologized to him saying it wasn't his fault. And honestly it wasn't. Rather it was mine for getting distracted like a small child. But than again I was the type if child who got lost at Walmart and even as I got older I still did only difference was that I was old enough to run around looking my family or when I got a phone called for locations.

At this point I seemed to be reminded of Carter the first guy I didn't like, he one for how fake he was. And sure I didn't have proof Carter wasn't actually faking his personality, but as far as I knew it just felt phonie. And run me the wrong way.

The second reason being that somehow the jerk realized. My crush/one sided love for trey, which the jerk kept being up, even if subtly. Like for example at the very moment suggesting trey give me the stuff animal that I had been eyeing in his arms when I hadn't been looking at him.

And the second person I hated for three reasons rather than just two like Carter. For one the guy was unsettling, to the point I wanted to run, two for the dance comption (I still want to rain his neck for that bull shit) and third because he somehow figured out my crush/one sided love for both Trey and Horton!

How i got screwed with that I don't know but either way the jerk seemed to also enjoy mocking me like Carter and say and do shit I don't need him doing. Like example right now he seemed to think it was ok to work with Carter.

The urge to kill them seemed to fill me but I didn't want to do that infront of trey. And I apologize for them being stupid and that he didn't have to follow along with the other third years probing since I didn't want to bother or inconvenience him.

"No it fine, i think it might be better to give it to you" Trey moved to hold out the stuff animal to me. The very stuff animal looked like the one that looked like the one at the water gun booth.

I looked from the rabbit back to trey and than the rabbit again before reaching out to take the stuff animal my hands brushing against trey's and I felt my face heat up at the simple touched. I sort of wonder if I was crazy or if he felt anything but given the fact he doesn't say anything made me belive its just me like always.

I looked away from him unable to keep gazing into his face and moved some hair behind my face as I moved a few stray hairs behind my ear. As I thanked trey for the gift and found myself holding the rabbit to my chest.

Though after a moment I recalled something and looked back at trey. Informing him that I've tweaked the recipe of the apple roses I've enjoyed making, and like always wanted his thoughts. It was something I've been trying to make and make perfect all on my own, but that doesn't mean I can't ask for thoughts.

"I will see you Sunday than." Trey smiled with such kind eyes.

Honestly it made me want fangirl. How could trey be so kind and handsome?! Like ah! But its not like I can say all that and I simply nodded, the fact he recalls i always want to show him on Sunday was super nice too. He is such a good guy.

He made me happy if only my feelings were mutual, but ill settle for just being allowed near him, since I rather enjoy our time together rather than ruin it by make it awkward and than end up being avoided.

Though it seems cater and rook decided to speak and ruin this good mood of mine, and I could feel the twitch of my face with their annoying comments. But at least they also mention they just saw the trio and looking behind me I manged to catch a glimpse of them.

Cursing under my breath I turn back to trey and told him I better catch up and moved to run off though I did pause to wave at trey and tell him bye the rabbit being shifted to under my arm and off I went to try and catch up with my trouble makers.

_________

Having caught up with the guys it seemed the rest of our first year group just meet up. And it seemed the other were pretty happy. Even sebek who normally was a bit much. A lot like my dad honestly. I felt a ping in my chest. As I mildly wonder if my family even missed me, but I pushed the feelings back down were they belong.

Rather I focus on how sebek had glowing horns and was currently gloating about how they were meant to look like his master. I also noticed the glowing spots on his face that looked like scales and its not like he was the only one with glow and dark paint it seemed since both epel and jack (surprisingly) also had some.

Jack reminding me something out of inuyasha or basically any humanoid demon form anime. Kind of made me wish he was wearing a costume, but I wasn't going to say that, mostly because how does one convince someone to do so? ... well maybe Leona and ruggie could get jack to do so, but I don't want to deal with those two since it would be like moving though landmines.

Epel on the other hand was wearing something that was rather cringe. And i looked back to where I had been before, mildly wondering if rook would rat him out to vil. If so, I should probably prey for him, cause I don't know if he'll live.

Though given the fact he was as lit up like a Christmas tree, I'm not sure my prayer would be answered and made a note to get the heck out of dodge, if and when vil comes stomping about. Cause I refused to be bought into a lecture i have no part in. Being shorter than everyone one (not including ortho) had its advantages.

I was quickly bought out of my musing when grim called for me and I turn to him wondering what was up. Which gave the feline the chance to complain that he wanted food but I wasn't around to buy him food. I apologized and mention I'll buy him something right now only to glance up and see the guys taking off again and I looked to grim who darted off telling them not to leave us.

Honestly I was glad he said something as I moved to catch up this time not losing them and asked what should we get to eat since grim wanted to try something.

The guys begin discussing food options and I manged to give my own thoughts, but like always felt like I was butting into a private conversation rather than be part of it, but still I wanted to be included, with my friends.

After a bit we all made our way to an area that had a lot of food options and I admit I sort of wanted to see what they might have.

_____

After having everyone eat their fill, in which sebek ate so much, I wasn't fully sure where he put it. and sure I could eat quiet a bit, but even I had limits (also shame) and thus only ate what I thought was perfectly fine, but shit man how did these guys stay so fit with their eating habits? But than again, I think I'm the only introvert in the group, who would rather stay inside while these guys did have hobbies that involved running about.

Perhaps that's why I tend to always feel like an on looker rather than part of the group. Well that and the no magic. Being a girl, and of course being from a whole diffrent world might do that to you.

None the less I followed along quietly as everyone seemed to be in high spirts talking about all sort of things. Grim was currently eatting cotton candy (his on the go snack) as there was playful shoves between the guys. I would try and comment here and there, but the twisted of feeling like a third wheel just kept bothering me, even though I really wish it wouldn't.

It soon got to the point I had decided to go quiet for a while now. and despite that it seemed the guys didn't notice.so rather than focus on the loneness, i felt it better to looked around. All the while Hoping to see a familiar figure in the masses since despite my small stature the other tend to be easy to spot.

Sadly that didn't seem to be the case. And I wonder if maybe I had been hoping for to much, after all imsure he had more important things thab come here and than say hi. Feeling disappointed I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to keep the tears away.

Honestly I hated how weak I felt over stupid things like this. And I couldn't help but find myself to be a little greatful for the stuff animal that had only been given to me maybe an hour or so ago. Since I was able to bury my face into it to help with my emotions, if only for a bit.

Though once i pushed down my emotions for the uptiniing time I took a moment carefully listing for a pause in conversation before speaking. Asking jack if he could do me the favor of watching grim since out of everyone in this group he was the only one I could trust to keep an eye on the feline.

But before Jack could respond to me, ace spoke up. He seemed offended at the remarks of not being able to watch grim. Which is ironic, since he normally complains when I ask him to watch grim when I have to leave for a small moment.

None the less I looked to ace rather unamused with him. he was in fact acting like a small child. And decided to remind ace of the events that happened just the day before (the reason riddle had ended up collaring him in the first place)

Ace though seemed to be offended, but I could tell not really. (Or so I hoped) After all I had just left the alchemy room to run a quick eran for professor crewel, only to return to my three idiots with neon color hair/fur because ace decided not to behave and egged both duace and grim to fucking up their potions, but he also got hit with the cross fire. And of course the three of them getting chewed out.

And if not for me (reluctantly so begging) grim and deuce would still have neon hair. But I can't wait for the pay back to kick in because ace is getting that collar back on once today is over and I'm so not letting him stay with me for a few days.

None the less, I looked away from the pain in the ass that is ace. And looked back to Jack. To slightly begging for the most trust worthy of this make shift group to watch grim whole im away.

Jack who seemed torn for a while, sighed deeply. Once it seemed he manged to decide what he wanted to do he nodded which I have to admit had me sort of realif since it meant I didn't have to drag grim away from all the fun of the festival.

So with that I thanked jack, since it would be rude not to do so, and took a moment to reached into my bag and pulled out some thaumarks. Holding them put to jack i explained that this would be for grim should he want something while I wasn't with them.

I also rolled my eyes as epel, and ace seemed to be acting like idiots and fake asking for money acting like they were some mere beggars, I just wonder why I delt with these idoits.

None the less I looked to grim wanting him to understand that whst I was going to ask him i really meant it.so once I had his attention i asked grim to behave while i was gone. After all I really didn't want to clean up his mess.

Once I was sure he at least understood I looked to the rest of our make shift group, I than wave to to them, before turning to walk away from them. I could hear them make some comments behind my back but ingore it, since it was best to not acknowledge it and just slipped away.

walking, everything was so loud and busy reminding me being at a con, with so many people moving about getting and buying things. But unlike at a con where I felt at ease since the people were like me, people who wish to indulge in a hobby that makes them happy despite the world's judgment. So much so I could blend into the crowed with out feeling like I stick out or in being judged.

Sadly Here I was around a bunch of Stanger with out the aid of music to help tune out the world, which only made me feel more uneasy, by the moment. Which was why I was trying to get away from everything. Since I knew I was getting overwhelmed and I needed my escape. Not that being near the guys was a bad thing, but we shared no true wave length, thus I got no comfort from them, at least not in a way I needed it.

So with some walking passing booths for foods and games I manged to find what looked like a way out from the crowed of people and slip between couple of booths. one seeming to be selling fry food that smelt really good and the other booth that had stuff animals pin to the wall for prizes. They even seemed to have one that looked like mine's partner.

I made a mental note to check onwhat the game was later, because I didn't really see it. Though because of the food and the toys I was sure I would be able to remember enough when I trying to retrace my steps back to the guys (or so I hope anyway)

I sighed deeply and kept walking taking a moment to glance behind me to try to get rid of the uneasiness I was feeling even roll my shoulders and neck hoping to get rid of the tightness hoping that would make me relax. but even than I dont think it fully worked as I walked and walked till I found myself at the top of a tall hill. Or rather more a say I ended up walking up a slope that over looked the grounds (at least it wasn't stairs since I'm and i quote healthier end quote, but not by much)

Pushing away those thoughts i re focused on the area around me, noted that slope seemed to plato to a field of white that seemed to shimmer in the moon light. the unnatural light from below didn't seem to effect it much, or maybe it did I can't be fully sure.

But looking up the sky it self seemed to be effect by it as if the stars were taken from it even the color of the sky wasn't its true color. for it was effected by the light pollution thanks to being so close to the festival and the town. But back at ramshackle the stars shine and seemed to be more clearer. And a part of me longed to gone back home.

Though the thought of ramshackle as home made my heart ache. For the stars and this place were not truly my home, all of it was foren lands; the stars were not the ones I grew up under, nor was the soil I stood upon was not the ones I learn to walk upon. Everything was not anything I knew and yet I have come to slowly plant roots.

Closing my eyes I took another deep breath and let go of a heavy sigh. The weight that rested on me felt almost suffocating. But all I could do was keep moving forward. After all my roots might be stretching but they can still be easily killed. Sighing once again I bent down and plucked a dandelion and took a moment to roll it between my thumb and index.

I watched it spin for a bit my mind filled with thoughts before I closed my eyes once more. For despite my fragment memories and this foren world, I was still me. And thus my beliefs and habits are still in tacked. So needing something stronger than a wish and hope (not to say I didn't do both)

I prayed for the safety of my family and that they don't stress to much about my absence. I than took a deep breath and blew on the flower. And hoped, prayed that it would reach them.

I than moved to pluck another dandelion though thus time i turn towards the lights which honestly made me want to take a picture. For in its own way, the festival was lovely yet it was a reminder that i was in forein lands.

I found myself humming and wonder if the guys were behaving, I honestly felt like I was taking care a bunch of small children. Or maybe that was a guy thing? But than I again I've had guy friends before. Though once that thought crossed my mind I frowned.

I tried to think more on that fact, yet like it usually happens, when ever I try to recall certain things my head would ache, as if something was locking away things from my world. And no mater how much I tried to recall information it wouldn't allow me to remember it and would only stop once I stop trying recall. Unfortunately it was sort of normal here in this new world, but I had no real way to get around it, well besides stop thinking about what I was trying to recall.

Sighing to push away those thoughts and go back to what i had originally been thinking about, I made a wish that they guys would behave and not do anything stupid, that I would have to try and fix. But if they must to at least give me a week of peace. And than I blew on the second flower.

Sadly I couldn't get off all the seeds which i wonder if that meant i wouldn't get that sane peaceful moment which may have been to much to ask for anyway given the fact i know my idoits. But still i have to ask for it. So I decided to just look at the lights for a bit.

Though after a while of watching said light twinkle before me. I sighed softly again for the uptin time. Recalling a promise that seemed to not have been answered, and i begin to wonder if I was foolish for getting my hopes up. Tears pooling at the conor of my eyes. closing them to try and push back the tears, they seemed to fall instead. Shifting the rabbit in my arms I used it to quickly wipe them away using its head.

I than grab another flower as I kept looking at the lights. For a while I watched out to a view that looked perfect for a painting or story setting. So shifting the rabbit back under my arm i than used my left hand to hold the flower while my right to get my phone to take a picture, which didn't seem to do it justice but will hopefully be enough for me later, when I was being creative.

I than return the phone in my pocket and than took the flower back to my dominant hand and looked to the flower again. Closing my eyes rather than give my wish and prey silently I spoke this next one out loud. Hoping that by speaking it out loud that this dream/wish/hope and prayer would be heard. for it was the thing I long for the most, despite its selfishness. I beg to find the happiness I've spent so long wishing for.

For the other half of me, who would see me and despite every cracks and flaw I carry on all sides, that they would find me good enough to want me beside them. My voice craking as I pleaded with all my souls begged with every ounce I had and apologize for being imperfect and not the best follower. But still asked for forgiveness for that and that I will continue to try my best. And asked and pleaded not to be alone. Ending it with a final plea i than ended the prayer like one would end a prayer.

And with that selfish prayer done, I blew on the flower not daring to open my eyes fearful to see if I failed and let my hand and than the flower drop to my side before opening my eyes wiping at more tears pooling in my eyes.

I knew i needed to relax before returning so no one would see me crying. And I honestly didn't want to deal with a headache especially since there was going to be fireworks later. Which honestly would only be a pain if my head is trying to kill me. Taking a deep breath I wonder if I should head back though I could see all the lights from here.

Fixing the rabbit i rub my face more into its soft fake fur. Hoping it would comfort me in some sort of way. Because the aching in my heart only seemed to fester dark thoughts, and maybe those dark thoughts would start to consume me, a double edge sowrd of being alone meant I felt both relaxed and depressed.

I sighed softly and wonder if I could ever be loved.

"Child of man." The voice was a familiar deep ethereal tone that sent chills up my spine, and quickly turned to look behind me and see a familiar male. Again I felt the shame fill me after all I was in the middle of crying not to mention how long had he been there?

"Horton!" I practically shouted the nickname i have long given my friend/crush months ago. Before I found myself rambling on about how I didn't see him, asking where he's been and what ever else came to mind, honestly a wish I could just shut up, but wouldn't that make it more awkward? And all the while I just prattle on i hadn't even looking at him (not that, that was new, since I don't look at people in general when speaking) none the less I was possibly making myself look more stupid than I probably was before.

"Yuu~" the sound of my name on his lips seemed to make my face feel more warm and my heart flutter in my chest. While also stopping me from just word vomiting continuesly

Taking a moment to actually look at the male. I wondered what he wanted to ask, since neither of us normally used the others name. So surely it was something of importance.

Watching him, malleus extended his hand to me their was a look on his face that seemed to steal my breath and make my ownersface warm up.

"I did promise to watch the fireworks with you, so would care to join me?"

Hearing that I did recall asking him to join us with watching the fireworks at the festival, if he didn't feel comfortable with everyone we can separate from the others a bit and watch alone (along with grim since I was a tad worried how he'll react to the fireworks and thus didn't want to leave him alone).

Either way I reached out to take his much larger hand, which was so much larger than my own. But it made me feel happy, I can't even remember ever holding anyone's hand so this was rather nice.

Though it seems before either us could leave the sound of fireworks suddenly sounded and while still holding the males hand I turn to watch in awe, the display of fireworks. I must have underestimated the parade since I swore it was going to be later and a lot longer but I guess I was wrong.

No matter what though I couldn't help but hold on tightly to the hand I now held as the lovely colors flashed in the sky before us, truly glad I got to spend this time with guy I held the deepest of crushes on, even if my feelings are one sided I'm just glad to pretend even for this moment that im his and he is mine, even if for but a moment.

#twisted wonderland fanart #electric twlight #fandom event #wind's art #muns art #no beta we die like men #self ship #please be kind

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mr2swap · 3 years

Text

I woke up like this

It's amazing how well things turned out for me, right now I was in my huge new apartment watching the news on my phone before I went to try this body in the gym until I left my clothes all sweaty, I feel so energetic in This black body that I think I could run a couple miles before hitting the gym.

The latest news on my phone caught my attention and why wouldn't it? my face was on the front page in that article - Former cop Joe Johnson is found guilty of racism and will be fired immediately, said the city's secretary of public safety my former boss.

I looked at the photo of my old face for a couple of seconds it was old, tired and obese, seeing it from this perspective I can understand why my wife left me years ago, I was not going to miss that face and much less now that I became this so young and hot black guy.

I still don't know what caused him and I to swap bodies, maybe god was trying to teach me a lesson, maybe I'm stuck in an old episode of the twilight zone, or maybe it was a malfunction of the stun gun I used when trying to arrest to this boy, I still don't know and it's not like I'm in a rush to get back to my old body.

The memories of that day are a bit blurry but when the suspect is a huge black man, with a shaved head, you stop the first of "those" who gets in front of you or at least that's what I did and I have to admit I was racist I couldn't bear to look one of those bastards in the face for me they were all criminals ... or so he said before waking up like this man.

On second thought, maybe I was a little jealous of them because since I woke up in this body everything got better for me, I still remember the first time I saw my face in the mirror, my skin, even the huge belly that I had, everything was completely different, I think I spent 1 hour in the bathroom of that hospital, worshiping with my new firm hands every muscle in this body, the bulging biceps, my huge pectorals, my muscular legs and of course my new and firm abdomen

And without realizing it I already had a huge erection in the boxers I was surprised by the size and thickness of the huge black snake that I now had between my legs but I couldn't stop myself so without stopping looking at myself in the mirror I began to masturbate while I adored my biceps with these thick lips, the taste of the sweat of this body was hypnotizing and very strong I even believed that this was real "a very strange wet dream" I thought as I looked at my reflection in the mirror and what I saw was a black man jerking off.

When I could no longer contain myself a thick and smelly load shot towards the mirror staining it completely, I was sweaty and my body was still hot and I could not take my eyes off that stained mirror and the black man that was in it, from that moment that man was me.

Later a visiting lawyer will come, He says that I have everything to win and that that son of a bitch will rot in jail for as long as he has left in my body, at least the restraining order has served until now. too bad but I can't risk getting too close to me and trying to reverse the swap.

--------

Hello! this was a story based on the idea of @gaybodyswap on instagram( https://www.instagram.com/gaybodyswap/ ) go and follow him he just uploaded a couple of captions that I know more than one may be interested in, and if you like my stories, would you like to support me and see more stories please visit my patreon page where there is a small bonus of this story:

#male body swap #body swap #bodyswap #body switch

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tinyboxxtink · 3 years

Text

"....So I Married A Monster" *Chapter 8*

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

OHEMGEEEEE!!! A new chapter!

I appreciate the patience this week/last week guys, It's certainly been-- challenging. And it's not over yet, but I did want to get you a chapter since you all have been so understanding and lovely.

That being said I really am here just to break your heart with some good ol' angsty angst. MWAHAHAHHAAHA.

Enjoy.

I may try and put out another chapter tonight, but we will only be getting to 10 with this one I'm 90% sure so I want them to be good chapters.

Tag List

@agentcable

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

@word-scribbless

@storiesofsvu

@believinghurts

==========

“Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down,” An officer told him.

“No!” William screamed. “That man kidnapped my wife--”

“She’s NOT your wife!” Rafael cut him off. “You can verify that, she’s his ex-wife,”

“How ‘bout I verify my foot up your ass, dickhead?!” Lewis screamed.

“Lovely, Lewis,” Rafael rolled his eyes with a sarcastic laugh.

“You son of a--” Lewis lunged for Rafael but an officer held him back.

“BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT,” The nurse escorted the two men to the waiting room. “Family only!”

“But she’s my--”

“EX” Rafael finished. “And I’m her--”

“BOYFRIEND,” Lewis snarled. “Not HUSBAND,”

“I’m more concerned about the you're blood covered in, Mr.--” A female officer interjected.

“Barba,” Rafael finished.

“It’s my wi--” Lewis started, but saw Rafael’s eyes glaring at him. “Y/N’s blood, my ex wife,”

“And exactly why are you covered in her blood Mr. Barba?” The officer continued to question him.

“Because I--” He began to explain how he had rescued you from that monster.

“BECAUSE HE RAPED HER!!” Lewis screamed again.

“Alright, Mr.--”

“Loomis,” William stuck out his hand. “Billy Loomis,”

“That is BULLSHIT,” Rafael snapped. “His name is William Lewis, look him up,”

“Alright, you come with me, you go with Cooper,” The woman officer instructed her partner to take Lewis the opposite direction.

“Fine with me,” Rafael grumbled as the other cop dragged Lewis away.

“Alright so why don’t you start from the beginning, Mr. Barba,” She pulled out an iPad from her back holster.

“....How far do you mean, officer?” Rafael asked as they sat down in two waiting room chairs.

“Why don’t you call me Sherrie,” She softened her tone with a small smile. Ah, so she was going to play good cop with him.

“How far do you think will help me understand this?” She continued.

“Well,” Rafael rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s complicated,”

“....How so?” Sherrie raised an eyebrow. She had that look on her face; the same one Olivia got when she didn’t believe a word a perp was saying. Great.

“Well first of all, that man is not who he says he is,” He pointed towards where Lewis had been taken. “His name is William Lewis, and he is a wanted rapist and murderer in several states, including New York,”

“Ah, New York,” Sherrie nodded. “Is that where you're from?”

“Uh, yes, New York City in fact,” Rafael clarified. Why did she say it like that? She used a tone that he should be using. That disdain, that condescending tone. That just pissed Rafael off even more.

“I see,” Sherrie nodded as she jotted down things on her iPad.

“Look just because I’m from New York and you people--”

“Us people?” Sherrie gave him a glare.

“...You all,” Rafael changed his tune. “Think ‘down’ of us New Yorkers--”

“Oh I believe it’s the other way around, Mr. Barba,” Sherrie scowled. Well, she did have a point.

“....Lewis lives there too,”

“Really?” Sherie raised an eyebrow. “Because I just searched his name in our database and Mr. LOOMIS is a non-offender, born and bred New Jersian.

“That is a load of shit!” Rafael stood up. “I am telling you, he is a psychopath. He has several identities across the god damn country, and he’s--”

“Not on trial here, Mr. Barba,” Sherrie finished.

“And I am?” Rafael scoffed.

“We’ll see,” She gave him a look.

“Por el amor de Dios....” Rafael muttered, along with a few other obscenities in spanish. “Look just call the NYPD. Talk to Sergeant Benson of the SVU Unit” Rafael instructed her.

“SVU hmm?” Sherrie raised an eyebrow as she typed.

“Yes!” Rafael cried. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I am the Assistant District Attorney of New York City! I would never, ever hurt anyone. Especially not Y/N. I love her,”

“Right,” Sherrie nodded. “Alright well I’ll call her after we’re done here, okay?”

“Sure you will,” Rafael muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“Do you really wanna start an attitude with me, Mr. Barba?”

“Rafael,” He exhaled. “My name is Rafael,” The more she used ‘Mr. Barba’ the more he felt he actually was on trial. “And I’m sorry, I just-- I’m scared,”

“For you or for her?” Sherrie questioned.

“For her!” Rafael got excited again. “Lewis raped her and tore her rectum, then went and took a shower after haphazardly bandaging her, like it was no big fucking deal!”

“And you know this, how?” She asked in a suspicious manner.

“Because she called me,” He continued. “She called me earlier and told me he had her hostage,”

“He was holding her hostage?” Sherrie continued to use a suspicious tone.

“Yes! And I can prove it!” Rafael suddenly remembered the picture Lewis had so cockily sent him.

The one of him holding a gun pressed to your back. The image would haunt him forever. He went to get his phone, but it wasn’t in his pocket. Shit, it must still be in the car. He had hastily dropped it as soon as he told you he was coming in to get you.

“Shit,” He muttered.

“Is there a problem?” Sherrie asked.

“I have a photo on my phone, but I must have left it in my car,”

“Conveniently,” She nodded.

“NO!” Rafael stomped his foot. “Look if you’ll just let me go get it--”

“Right,” Sherrie scoffed sarcastically with a laugh. “Let me just let you ‘run out to your car’,”

“You can follow me, escort me, whatever,” He huffed. “I have nothing to hide,”

“Alright then,” Sherrie followed Rafael outside the hospital doors, but his car wasn’t there.

“Shit,” He muttered. “They must have towed it because I just parked in the ambulance bay and got Y/N help,”

“Oh, mmhmm, I’m sure that must be what happened,” She rolled her eyes.

“This is insane,” Rafael half laughed at the absurdity of the situation. He felt like he was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. He was being treated like a convict while Lewis was the golden boy of Jersey. This was a nightmare.

“Can we just--” Rafael ran his hands through his hair, trying to think of something, anything that would clear his name.

“Can you just call the NYPD, please?” He begged Sherrie. “I swear to you, Olivia Benson will clear my name and tell you all about William Lewis,”

Sherrie looked at him for a long moment, debating whether to cut him some slack. On the one hand, he was covered in your blood, and had brought you in. Also, he was from New York City, so God knows how slick he was. On the other hand, he did look genuinely scared and pitiful, and if he had the balls to ask her to actually call the NYPD, maybe he was telling the truth.

“Alright Rafael, I’ll humor you,” She finally nodded, typing NYPD into Google. She got the number and began dialing it, waiting for someone to answer.

“Hi, yes this is Officer Reagan of the Jersey PD-- Is there an Olivia Benson there?” Sherrie asked as she gave Rafael a side eye. There was silence for a moment, then she began to speak.

“Hi yes, Sergeant Benson. This is-- Right. Do you know Rafael Barba?”

“Mmmhmm, well he’s here at Jersey County Hospital having brought in a woman who had clearly been assaulted, and he--” Sherrie stopped as Olivia began speaking very fast and loudly.

“Look ma’am there’s no reason to-- Yes her husband-- alright her ex husband, Billy Loomis-- Alright allegedly this ‘William Lewis’. Whoa there ma’am-- Sergeant, there’s no need to get hysterical,” Rafael chuckled to himself as he watched Sherrie get chewed out by Olivia.

“...Well yes he is here, but I really don’t feel comfortable having you take him into custody, Sergeant. This isn’t your jurisdiction, so I’m sorry but you have no claim on Billy, or William, or whoever,” Sherrie was getting fed up with Olivia’s attitude.

“Uh yes, that is so, sergeant. If you’d like to take it up with my sergeant, feel free to come down here and-- well fine! Good, we’ll be here. No I will not be letting Mr. Barba go, he’s still a-- you know what, I’m sick of this. You wanna come down here and raise a fit for your man here, go right ahead,” Sherrie hung up the phone and looked at a now smirking Rafael.

“I told you,” He smirked.

“Yeah well you’re not going anywhere until this ‘Olivia Benson’ gets here. Which I assume will be pretty soon,”

“Your assumption is spot on,” Rafael chuckled to himself. If there was one thing he could count on, Olivia would come running to his defense at the drop of a hat.

-----------------

Meanwhile

“Look I’m telling you, that man abducted my ex wife in the middle of the night and raped her,” Lewis was scrambling.

“And how do you know this, Mr. Loomis?” Officer Cooper asked.

“Because I was there,” He explained.

“And why were you at your ex-wife’s house?” Cooper asked skeptically.

“We--” William was thinking on the fly.

He was still fuming from the balls on Barba trying to rescue you, and agitated that he got the male cop who wasn’t so easily manipulated as a woman would’ve been.

“We were reconciling,” He lied.

“Reconciling?” The officer raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

“I told her earlier today that I had made a mistake leaving her and my family, and that I wanted to come back home,” He explained. “And then I offered to pick up our girls from school and meet her at home, while she broke it off with that bastard,”

“Broke it off?” The officer questioned him. “So they are in a relationship?”

“...Yeah,” He muttered.

“So how exactly did her boyfriend kidnap her, if she went to him willingly?”

“....He got pissed when she tried to break it off,” Lewis was spinning a thread of lies now. “He called me and told me that if he couldn’t have her, nobody could,”

“I see,” Cooper nodded, typing on his iPad

“So when she came home to me and the girls, he followed her. We didn’t know until he broke in and kidnapped Y/N,” Lewis now focused on keeping his ‘concerned husband’ act. He was pretty sure he had a good story going.

“Mmm hmm,” The officer nodded as he continued typing. He wasn’t even acknowledging him; that was making Lewis’s blood boil. He liked being in control; he hated being ignored.

“Look can I check on my wife, please?” He tried going for the sympathy card again, knowing he wasn’t getting anywhere with this guy.

“Legally she’s not your wife anymore, Mr. Loomis,” The officer finally looked up to Lewis once more. “So technically you have no legal right to see her right now, as you’re not her current family,”

“I AM HER FAMILY GOD DAMMIT!!!” Lewis screamed, losing his cool. He quickly panicked and dialed it back. “I mean, she’s always going to be my family. Her and my precious girls,”

“....Right,” The officer nodded, not amused by his little temper tantrum. He had seen guys like this before; controlling, hot tempered husbands. He had grown up with a man just like that; it was one of the reasons he became a cop.

“And where exactly are your ‘precious girls’, Mr. Loomis?” He added. Guys like these, they lost their heads when they felt cornered. Lewis probably hadn’t even remembered they existed.

“...They’re at home, asleep,” He said softly.

“Alone?” Cooper raised an eyebrow.

“We live like two blocks from here officer,” Lewis lied again, having indeed forgotten about the girls. “I didn’t want to scare them, they’re asleep in their comfy beds, totally oblivious to this nightmare,”

“And exactly how old are they?” Cooper gave him a look.

“...Old enough to be alone for a bit,” Lewis shrugged, hoping he’d take that as an answer.

“Well, at the risk of ‘worrying’ them, I think I’d better send an officer over there to check on them, don’t you think?” The officer asked in a accusatory tone.

Lewis really did want that, he was actually starting to worry about them. He actually had told Maggie that you felt sick and were in your room, and he was going out to get you medicine. But this guy was already clearly skeptical. If he told this officer where you actually lived, he was going to accuse him of child endangerment.

“...Mr. Loomis?” The officer called to him, but he was busy plotting an escape route.

Lewis glanced around the room, gauging how many people were in the vicinity. It was a bunch of pathetic patients with random injuries and illness’s waiting on a doctor, some ER nurses, a receptionist, the two cops, and him and Barba. Then he glanced at the gun in the officer’s holster, a plan formulating in his head. He wanted you all to himself, that was for sure. But you and your fucking white knight might have just outsmarted him for that to happen. Unless... the line you had said earlier about the girls being leverage. He hated the idea of exploiting the girls like that, but he was not going back to prison, and he was not losing those girls.

“Mr. Loomis!” The officer repeated in a louder, angrier tone. Lewis finally looked at him with a very sinister smile, eerily calm.

“...Ah officer, maybe you should take care of that first,” Lewis pointed to something behind him. As soon as the officer turned to see what he was talking about, Lewis yanked the gun from his holster and fired two shots into his head.

--------------

Across the room, Rafael and Officer Sherrie immediately flinched and ducked at the sound of the loud bang from the gun. People began screaming and running around in panic, most of them heading out the front doors of the hospital. Rafael’s eyes widened in horror as he realized Lewis had gotten a gun and had just murdered an officer. He turned to Officer Reagan who looked at him in shock, and a bit in remorse. She knew she had gotten the situation wrong, and now her partner had paid the ultimate price for it.

“Lewis, look just calm down--” Rafael tried to reason with Lewis, but the manic look in his eyes showed him he wasn’t going to get anywhere.

“Why don’t YOU calm down, counselor?” Lewis smirked as he raised the gun to Rafael. If there was one sure fire way to ultimately punish you for trying to run off with the do gooder, it would be getting rid of him altogether.

“No, Lewis don’t--” Rafael barely got out a plea for his life before Lewis had shot a bullet into his chest. More people screamed, and Officer Reagan rushed to help him.

Lewis took this opportune moment to run out of the hospital. He sprinted into the parking lot and picked the first car he saw to break into and hotwire, speeding out of the parking lot back to your place. He had to get the girls before cops found out where you lived. He’d figure out where to go from there.

From inside an examination room, you had started to come to as the IV bags of blood began to fill your system back up. You had barely had a chance to sit up before you heard the first shot go off. You immediately knew it was Billy, he had found you. You saw the doctor and nurses that were in the room with you slam the door shut to keep you all safe from Billy. You could see through a window into the lobby just enough to see Rafael with his hands up, before Billy put a bullet in him. You watched in horror as Rafael slumped to the ground, and a woman officer rushing to help him.

“NO!!!!!!” You screamed, trying desperately to get off the table.

The doctor and nurses held you down and slapped hands over your mouth to keep you quiet, terrified Lewis would come in there next. But to their relief he dashed out the door, and the hands were removed from your mouth. However they kept you pinned down so that you wouldn’t pull your IV’s out, inadvertently letting blood gush out all over the patient room.

You watched helplessly as nurses swarmed Rafael and rushed him off to another part of the hospital altogether.

What kind of nightmare had you woken up to?

#rafael barba #rafael barba angst #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba fanfiction #william lewis x you #william lewis #william lewis x reader #svu fanfiction #law and order svu fanfiction #william lewis fanfiction #so i married a monster #rafael barba imagine #william lewis imagine #william lewis angst

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compo67 · 4 years

Note

!I bought an entire freaking living room last Sunday, so I'm also in a process of adapting shit at my house rn. I hope you enjoy your new mattress and get the rest you totally deserve. I'm watching Hancock to relax(I know, who tf does that?). You should listen to Heavyweight Champion of the World by Reverend and The Makers, it's not that poetic or deep but it makes me feel better and with more energy, maybe it will help you too. 5/6, I think. I hope!

Hello, hello FIL anon!

No worries about the length of messages. :)

Let’s see, where to begin. I’ve never seen Black Mirror, but I hear it’s good. I rewatched Jurassic Park for the 10000000th time tonight--that tells you how often I watch current anything. XD Tell me about the episode anyway! I think the series is sorta like The Twilight Zone?

I’m sorry to hear about your friend and their struggle with diabetes. Chronic illness is a drag. I’m gonna assume you’re no longer spending 24/7 at the hospital, so I’m glad things got better! I’ve had my fair share of hospital life, and yes, I’m grateful that I don’t have as much anymore/right now. Though, sometimes when you have rare conditions, you wish you were in the hospital, because then at least you might feel better for more than just an hour at a time. Idk, that gets complicated.

Painting is fun! Give it a try! Especially with watercolors. They’re just so fun to work with and even mistakes look beautiful. Thank you for the kind words about my painting--I really only stuck to it because watercolors are super forgiving.

My new mattress arrived today! :D I’m so excited to sleep! I hope you’ve settled things around your place too!

Whose photo op did you get? That’s so exciting!

My hands eventually felt better, thank you. I had to put on my compression gloves and rest. The wait and see part is tough to go through. I’m closely monitored, my condition can change at any moment, and I live my life in 6 month gaps of time. The wait and see part is just that the tumors aren’t doing anything, so we’re leaving them alone. If they get bigger or multiply, or my liver starts to fail, then we do something. It’s frustrating but also fine. I just have to cope with it.

Okay, I’m getting sleepy and my new bed is calling me!

PS.

The Killers were on tour in both Mexico and Canada last year, so that didn’t help me figure out where you’re from. XD But I read Spanish, so if that’s easier, escribame en espanol. I suck at writing Spanish, but I can definitely read it. Can’t do anything in French though. :(

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thisnerdsadventures · 3 years

Text

a 2021 update

Ah, so I have forgotten to update in a million years, per usual

~ Random thought section ~

I woke up this morning and read this tweet thread about Alice Wu's director's note for her movie The Half of It. It's streaming on Netflix, and I highly encourage to go watch it, it's probably one of my favorite movies from the past few years. Anyways, she talks about how she produced the film while digesting the heartbreak of a friendship breakup - the whole thread hit me on a different level, but here's a quote that really hit home for me, especially a month from graduation: "The end of the film is each of their beginnings. And for my characters, I can think of no happier ending." We spend a lot of time worrying about the end of things and the uncertainty of things to come. Yet, there was a time where we worried about the exact same things for the very chapter we are now so nervous about leaving.

1. I'm nervous about leaving school and starting the..... rest of my life???

2. I'm nervous that my friends will slowly fade away. I'm nervous that they'll get on with their lives and I'll be slowly still trying to get my bearings, stuck in limbo.

3. I'm nervous that starting adulthood will be difficult because there are no more college orientations, no more awkward freshman dinners, perfect opportunities to meet new friends who are just as nervous as you are.

In writing this out, I felt a sense of deja-vu, like I had written these words before. So I just looked back at some of my posts right before entering college, and lo and behold:

08-18-2016: Today I said goodbye to one of my closer friends, and i realized that without even knowing it, Sunday’s party was the last time I would see some of my closest friends. It’s awful that way, that you don’t even know it’s the last time until it’s passed, and you’re left to pick up the the end of a chapter of a relationship from the scraps of an unexpected and improper farewell.

I feel like I’m in a weird twilight zone between college and high school where my present friends are all beginning to fade away to move on in their lives, and I’m yet to really meet anyone in my class yet, so at the moment,,,,,,there really isn’t anyone.

I wrote this less than a week from moving to Boston, and it's so shocking to me that I also experienced the "unexpected and improper farewell" part in senior year. It's almost the exact same thing that happened in COVID and is continuing to happen. You never know when the last time you might see someone might be, except instead of consolidated over the course of one pre-college summer, it's over the course of more than a year, the time that this pandemic has been going for.

And I hate that I said the "fade away and move on" thing verbatim, literally nearly five years ago. To be honest though, it's true, a lot of them did fade away and move on. But so did I, I wasn't left behind. To some extent, I was the one who did a lot of the moving away. And like many things in life, a couple of us continue to hang around, and maybe our friendships cycled in and out over college, but have come around again after a few years. I guess those are the ones that you know will stick around. The limbo period between chapters is a hard one, and it's nice to know that present-day me isn't the only one who has felt this. It's nice to know that past me met so many incredible people so fast, that I forgot this limbo period happened.

I know this part is getting a little long, but there's just a couple more snippets I want to share:

08-13-2016: I recently read Marina Keegan’s essay The Opposite of Loneliness, and one line resonated with me a lot: We’re so young. It seems silly and almost pretentious for me to think that this party would be so final, and yet it does, even though we have decades upon decades to build and connect or reconnect.

We’re so young, but that doesn’t stop the understanding that we are going to a new chapter in our lives and that it’s going to redefine our relationships. I hope it doesn’t change them too much.

I suppose much of the anxiety of going to college results from having to build my own community from the ground up again.... I tell myself the pieces will fall together and everything will be ok, but it doesn’t stop the increasing anxiety from, well, increasing.

I loved this collection of essays, if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. In moving around for so many years, I haven't been able to keep a lot of books in my possession, but I kept this one because that essay really hit home for me, and continues to, no matter what part of life I'm currently experiencing.

I think moving to college did change my relationships. But change is not a bad thing - your childhood friendships, the few of them that survive, end up strengthening and growing into adult friendships. And in the end, isn't that better than not changing at all? I'm hoping that a few of my college friendships will do that too - we'll go from college friends to family friends, and my kids will call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and they'll grow up watching their parents talk for hours in the front yard before finally getting in the car and leaving for home.

08-13-2016: But hey, this is part of what I signed up for, I knew I wasn’t going to have much of an initial safety net, but I’m sure I’ll survive. We, as humans, always find a way to adapt right?

I think I survived and adapted. Not in the way I saw things going, but we can never really fully predict things, can we? One day, I'll learn to give myself a safety net for the next chapter, I'm sure. Today's not that day though.

Going back to her director's note, there was one more thing that just struck an emotional chord for me:

Fun fact, Alice Wu actually went to MIT for a bit before transferring to Stanford, and then she became a software engineer at Microsoft! I relate a little too much to her. Maybe one day I too will dump coding for my art form. But for now, in this above example, I relate far too much. I worked on my album, Imperfect, a little too obsessively this past winter while trying to digest the throes of heartbreak from one of my own friendships that ended. I still don't know if there was an ending for that friendship. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to put off the end, like a TV series that just keeps adding more and more seasons. Regardless of whether it needs to end or not (which I have not decided and will continue not to do so), I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before and after that friendship, and I've concluded that a lot of who I am now, what my life looks like now is a result of that friendship. I'll give you a hint: I really like who I am now, compared to who I was before, and it showed me a lot of parts of life and friendship that I never expected would happen. That friendship was (is?) one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life.

Let's finish off this reflective post with a quote from Khalil Gibran, that's kinda related to that point about how transformative the past can be, and how we're far better off in future chapters of our lives because of it.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Again, if you haven't read his collection of poems, you should absolutely 100% drop whatever you're doing right now and do so! Wow, I really just assigned an entire reading list in this post.

I hope in making this movie, Alice found peace. I would hesitate to say that I found peace when making my album. I wrote a lot of songs about the heartbreak I felt from that whole experience. But the last song I wrote, "Best Friends," ends the whole thing on a positive note, that at the end of the day, I remember how my friends (past and present) literally saved my life and how things are looking a little better, and whatever happens, I hope my best friends will be there waiting for me, whoever they end up being.

- OK I PROMISE I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE 100% SO EMO -

But yeah, I haven't really been doing much otherwise? I guess just tryna stay alive, I've been cooking a lot and cooking a lot of good good food, I did apply to an MBA program, I got my COVID vaccine (second shot this week!), I am excited to announce I am publishing a paper in my MEng lab, which is a really big accomplishment imo, I am thriving in my (1) econ class that I kept, even though I didn't realize we had readings assigned like for the past month, I went to try pastries from this Turkish bakery, I biked, probably, 15 miles over the past month, I've read at least 4 or 5 books this year so far, and am hoping to knock another one out today. Currently dying because trying to finish my thesis in like . a week, which is looking a little challenging, but I'm sure it'll happen!!!??

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