#i'm very fond of nakyum

[oh-no-niv]

Ok, well. I need to talk about this last chapter a little bit because I feel like I’m gonna explode at any moment lol. Nakyum, since the beginning of the story, has always been a character I can connect with. So seeing him in that situation, seeing him not even having a reaction to what happens to him, pains me a lot. So, I guess the majority of the readers weren't surprised by Seungho’s bad reaction so this chapter didn’t come as a surprise. But Nakyum’s parts are what made this chapter difficult for me to read. I’m seeing many people talking about Seungho’s feelings so here I’m gonna talk about Nakyum’s feelings.

First of all, I wanted to point out that Nakyum’s position on Seungho’s house is not clear. We’re not sure if he’s a servant, a lover, a prostitute or a painter. 

He’s too favored to be a servant. Even the servants are confused about what he’s doing there because he’s a low-born but doesn’t work on the house like the rest of them. We can see he’s kind of confused too about what to do if he can’t help with the affairs of the house. He feels strange when someone does it for him. 

He’s too distant to Seungho to be a lover. A lover actually enjoys spend time with each other and treat each other with respect and have sex equally. 

He’s not paid to be a prostitute, he hardly had any experience. And he works as a painter but his work isn't the central part of what he does there. He’s not recognized much as a painter but as someone favored by Seungho.

So Nakyum doesn’t have this feeling of belonging in Seungho's house. He’s there but he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t understand it. Nobody does.  He’s only there because the Seungho wants him to. That’s it.

It’s the same thing about his relationship with the master. 

What is he to Seungho? He’s favored, that we know. Seungho was treating him well but he isn’t clear if he cares about him or not, in Nakyum’s perspective. Seungho is still violent and rude to him when he’s angry or frustrated.

Seeing with Nakyum’s eyes, he’s there to pass Seungho’s time. To be a hot body to have sex with. How would he know Seungho, the mighty libertine noble, would ever care for him? The master gave him some things but Nakyum doesn’t see warm clothes for the winter and good food as a way of saying he has feelings for him. It just meant he’s favored because he has sex with the master. I feel like that’s the way Nakyum views it. People kept saying Seungho cares for him but the master himself denies it and you know? Words have weight. 

We, as readers, we know Seungho fell in love hard already. He’s done many things only for his Nakyum. He’s 1000% crazy for his little painter but it’s different when we see on his perspective. 

Plus, he wasn’t only born a low-born but he was taught he’s not worth anything for the asshole teacher (that he believed he loved for YEARS).  So he kept thinking like this his whole life and fooled himself into thinking that Inhun could ever like him back. 

Nakyum only accepted that he could stay on Seungho’s house this season. He could only totally give in to pleasure last chapter, when the master fucked him so good lol he fell asleep right after because he WAS feeling relaxed and comfortable with him. To knowledge deeper feelings is going to take a bit.

And there I start to talk about the newest chapter. 

Nakyum’s words weren't a rejection. Many people interpreted it like this but, for me, personally, I’ve never read it like this. It was simply disbelief. Nakyum could never think of himself as someone worthy of love. He couldn’t see the possibility of Seungho having feelings for him. Because Seungho just doesn’t know what to do with his feelings towards the painter. 

As you guys can see, he only started to buy expensive clothes for him because a servant told Nakyum he is the image of a servant. The next chapter was exactly Seungho buying him clothes. But this wasn’t clear to Nakyum because it isn’t clear to Seungho himself about what it really meant. He wanted his painter to be his equal.

Nakyum’s words weren’t a rejection.

 “Why...? It’s a lie. It can’t be”  

Where in the world this is a rejection? He just could not believe it and he’s right. Seungho isn’t simple to read in the painter’s perspective, even after doing so many things a noble wouldn’t do for a low-born. Nakyum still thinks he’s nothing. He even asked “Why…?” for Heaven’s sake! Why would he ever love Nakyum? 

“It’s a lie.” = He doesn’t want to fool himself anymore into believing someone cares for him when they don’t. 

“It can’t be.” = Denial. He just can’t have feelings for a low-born, can he? Can he value him as much? Can he ever care for him? That’s not true. That could never be true, in Nakyum’s head. It hurts to have hope.

He looked troubled because it really came as a surprise to him that the master would have feelings for him. That’s it. 

I’ve read many people writing that because of Nakyum’s words, Seungho did what he did. But why does Nakyum need to be responsible for Seungho’s actions? Why does he need to be held accountable for what the MASTER does?

Because he was supposedly “rejected” he needed to throw Nakyum in the arms of another and to make him drink alcohol? Smell opium? That orgy was organized because Seungho couldn’t deal with his own sensitivity to start with. None of this was started by Nakyum.

Actually, the painter was ignored for more than a week. When he went to see his master because he missed him, he was ignored again, his painting - his work - fell on the floor like it was nothing. Seungho kissed another man right in front of him, as if saying he’s not special at all. He had to listen to Deok Jae’s abusive words. His hand was harmed. Nakyum took Seungho’s punch and wanted to protect him from not hurting people anymore because it’s corruptive. Min kissed him and hurt his lip. At this rate, Nakyum was hurt physically and psychologically so much… he honestly needed a break.

But when Min mocked Seungho, he mocked Nakyum's situation too. He’s the reason Seungho could feel shame. He’s an embarrassment, by Min’s perspective. He being loved is a laughing matter. 

And after Seungho’s reaction, exactly after he told him that yes, it’s a lie, that it cannot be, the painter seemed confused, numb. Paralyzed. We couldn’t even get to see his immediate reaction after Seungho’s confirmation. He didn’t fight back. He didn’t cry. He didn’t say a word. He would let Seungho do everything he wanted to him. Being apathetic is a way the mind protects itself from trauma.  His “smile” was heartbreaking. Nakyum wanted to let it be. If he had to have sex with strangers to let go of his feelings, it should happen then. He is not worth anything anyway.

I’ve never seen Nakyum as a character that would ever make part of a foursome when he’s sane. I don’t think he was feeling pleasure. For me that was pure pain. The alcohol must be strong and he isn’t used to opium. Remember, opium can cause impaired reflexes (when reflexes are absent), relaxation, analgesia and lower the heart rate. He’s dizzy one panel before, he doesn’t know what is happening. He was going to get gang-raped if Seungho hadn't stopped the orgy.  In my opinion, Seungho he stopped it not only because he didn’t to see him having sex with others but he sensed he was breaking Nakyum too.  

Maybe I’m totally reading way too much into it but look at his face. He puts his hand where Seungho’s hand was when he was hugging him. Like he was missing the touch and is confused. Another thing that caught my attention was his dilated pupils as if he’s high.

dssfdsjnfd Well, for next chapter I truly want Seungho to not hurt Nakyum anymore. They both need to knowledge their feelings, but Seungho just has way too much power to hurt baby Nakyum. 

jfnsdjkfnd It’s gonna be hard to wait two weeks!!