#i've always prided myself on being tough and resilient and being able to go for miles on no gas. which that was true when i was younger (at
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i hate being mentally ill and i especially hate that it's triggered by stress. it's like once things start dogpiling on me my own brain jumps in to join the fun and i'm like ??? stop???
#she bork#last week stressed me out so so bad and work sucks and my brain is like 'you know what? i hope we get sick. i hope we get ridiculously sick#and can't even call off work. i hope we just keep going and things keep getting worse until we break completely.' like okay but why let's#not maybe?#idk i think there's something cathartic about the thought of just snapping and being forced to take the time to recover. there's something#about pushing myself until i just can't anymore. i'm not sure what it is about it that calls me but i've always been that way. but as i get#older i obviously have recognized that it's my fucking mental illness so i try to stay healthy but sometimes it's so fucking hard. esp bc#i've always prided myself on being tough and resilient and being able to go for miles on no gas. which that was true when i was younger (at#least partially bc anxiety kept me wired literally all the time so the nervous energy alone was enough to sustain me) but now that i'm older#and trying to recover from my mental illness and i've been operating that way for years i just can't. and that comes w a feeling of defeat#and even self-contempt but ik it shouldn't. idk i'm both the horse and the whip that cracks at its back help
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