#idk if i explained half of these events well but it's recovery in bed time for me

[kitas-cleaning-supplies]

i'm like if someone had both good and bad luck but neither cancels the other out

[marishasscott-blog]

The beginning of the End "o"

This is my story.

August 2016, I had just launched my first business & secured a great career in banking. All was going well. I was working, parenting, working out, flourishing as a young woman making a world for herself and child.

Every week I was teaching twerkout classes alongside my former partner, going to workout boot camps, doing private events, using coconut oil, hair was long, I was skinny, booty was getting bigger, no man problems. I was healthy. I was young. I was growing and flourishing. So I thought. Every week I was also bleeding until no end. I’m thinking yea, here we go again, just my period. Until 14 days later and I’m still playing peek a boo. One week I had gotten really sick and just wasn’t feeling my best. My former partner, who wasn’t the most emotional being, was even concerned so I knew it had to be serious. I remember sitting down on the toilet, during a really heavy cycle of course and when I wiped myself after going to the restroom, I looked on the handful of toilet paper and it was the biggest clot of blood I’d ever ever seen in all my years of wiping myself during my cycle. I panicked. I texted my former partner and one of my best friends Brittany Hart (who by the way makes any type of cake you could imagine and they taste amazing considering cake is all I could just about eat at this point <—– shameless plug ) at the same time telling them about the clot. All three of us are freaking out like OMG! We all immediately get on google and the first thing that pops up is miscarriage **stale face**. I’d only been dating my then boyfriend for like a month BARELY and he was on his way out the door, I immediately apologized to God for not making the best life decisions in men and then realized at that point, I HAD to go to the doctor. I hate the doctor. They just get too personal — much like this tea I’m spilling.

I made the doctors appointment and I go. As the doctor is all up in my grill, by that I mean I’m sure his whole hand was in my vagina while pressing on my already enlarged uterus **face palm**. He lets out a small sigh, “My dear, I believe you are pregnant”. I looked in disbelief. There’s only one way this could have happened. The doctor wasn’t sure, but was sure. He gave me some prenatal vitamins (I kept in my trunk because I didn’t want my mom to know) and told me to come back next week to get the results of the blood work and to go next door and get an ultrasound. When I went next door, I was expecting to see a baby. Yep. Nope. So I got confused. With my son, they couldn’t find him either so I was like great. This is happening all over again. The tech took pictures of nothing (so I thought) because my uterus was seemingly empty and I went home. Brittany was on my tail like tell me tell me tell me. I regretfully told her what the doctor said and she was like, “what are you going to do with two babies? Are you ready for that!?”

A week goes by. Yes I had been sneaking and taking the prenatal vitamins just in case. I have my follow up appointment. Where I thought my life was about to change because of one reason, a totally different one ensued. The doctor explained to me that my left reproductive side was completely destroyed. It was full of clusters of ovarian cysts, infection, my Fallopian tube was so enlarged because of all the infection trapped around it and the only thing he could do was remove it. And soon. I asked how soon (by this time it was September) and he said as soon as he could find an open surgery day. His next date was September 21 ! It had to be like the 11th already. Two weeks!

I had never had any major surgery before. Especially not one where he had to open me up right below my abdomen from side to side, the scar I still have to prove I’m a ninja warrior ! I was nervous! I was also excited that my problem would be solved. Ha! Pinned ya again!

Sept. 21 came and before I knew it I was in the recovery room. I was cured!!!!!!! I was noooottttttttt *sad face*

My doctor told me while performing the surgery, where he had already removed half of my baby factory, he found ENDOMETRIOSIS. I already knew OF it because of a friend who “mentioned” having it (in college I wasn’t worried about someone cramping, doubled over in pain because of her period – I now know) and because a family member has it as well. My OBGYN told me, its bad. It’s nothing I can do besides put you on a treatment called Lupron. I had NO more choices. Even with the Oophorectomy (removing ½ of my baby factory not that I had anyone to reproduce with) he said it was NOTHING he could do.

I was off work about 8-11 weeks recovering and I progressively got worse. I remember crying to my mom, standing in the shower screaming, I JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD! I could see the discomfort in my moms eyes, for she too had dealt with this and knew this was something I’d have to figure out on my own. It wasn’t like she could open up my scar and climb in there and massage my insides or have an Indian styled come to Jesus meeting with my hormones to tell them to leave me alone! I felt like I had been chopped open for nothing. I was still sick !

During the recovery and “getting used to” period, I was still trying to work and parent and I transitioned to Nashville for a job in what I thought was my career. Banking. I kept getting sick. I kept bleeding. January rolls around and I know I was in bed the whole month. I found a new OBGYN and asked a second opinion about the Lupron. She then told me first, she wanted to do ANOTHER surgery. To actually remove as much Endo as she could. Here we go again. Through call outs, pain killers, doctors appts, I made it through to February (the next available) and went under the knife AGAIN! In all I have 5 scars and I still have the endometriosis. That recovery from the laparoscopic surgery was the WORST! And I STILL have the endometriosis.

After the recovery, the Lupron was ordered. I was told it can go two ways. Either it helps and no symptoms or it can help and make you feel the worst you’ve ever felt in your life. I guess you can decipher between the two and figure which side of the spectrum I’m on. Blah. I’ve been on treatment for 4 out of 6 months and it’s been the hardest of my life. I can’t work. I’m always sick. I’m always moody. I’m always crying. I’m always hungry but I’m limited to only eating air if I don’t want a flare up. I’m always dissatisfied with weight. I’m always tired. Im always hot and having a hot flash. Im always telling people I’ll call them back. I’m always taking medicine. Im always calling the doctor. I’m always always always! Lupron is a form of chemo. So only imagine how strong this medicine is. Everyone says “IDK why u out yourself through that”, “That’s why I can’t take medicine”, “I wouldn’t do that to myself”. Well, when it’s the only option besides ANOTHER surgery, I can only pray and take my chances. Endometriosis has stopped me from doing everything. I’m literally a living vegetable. Ironic ! It’s too late to turn back now and too early to tell if I’ll ever be normal (one of my daily prayers) again, so I’m stuck in the middle. Only way to know if it works is to keep following my journey with me as I keep torturing myself each month with treatment ! *fingers crossed* And before you say it, yes I’ve tried natural self care remedies.. natural isn’t always the answer. Especially at stage IV (4).

Endometriosis is more than a period. It’s a disability. You can’t look at someone and tell they have Endo, but you can have more compassion for them when they are “just cramping”. My journey is far from over, and it’s a struggle I deal with by the minute ! It will get better !

My name is Marisha, and I have Endometriosis.