#idk im tired. and it's nearly 3am and im sad that having a loving family is apparently the norm

[1-ore]

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[livingacoldlife]

I see my therapist every thursday at 10:30 am. it’s been nearly a week and i still dont know how to deal with all the stuff the told me on our last session.

Yesterday i had a pretty bad dream, and I haven’t had a nightmare in ages. I was at home and i had a few guests over but i cant recall who they were. We were all sitting and the dining table. My mom was also there and at first she was fine, (she looked just like how i remember her and that actually scared me to death cause the whole dream was extremely graphic and detailed) but then she blacked out. The weird part is that no one had noticed, they kept talking like my mom wasn’t falling flat right there. Then she woke up but after some time she black out again. Literally not a single soul noticed, I was the only one giving a shit about her. It all must have lasted 2 hours and whenever i looked at her she looked sicker, minute after minute, something was slowly sucking the life out of her, she was getting skinnier and skinnier, weaker and weaker. eventually she was nothing but skin and bones, with glassy eyes and almost no hair. The me in the dream was terrified cause I kept screaming and asking for help and saying we should take her to the hospital but no one would listen, they just kept chatting while my mom was dying. I ran to my father to tell him we needed to take her to the hospital but he yelled at be for being so annoying and said my mom was fine. I had to watch her go from healthy and bright to barely human and nobody seemed to care. I woke up at 3am chocking on my own tears, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think and i was covered in sweat. Idk i was not myself and I couldn’t ask for help cause it was 3 fuxking am everyone was asleep. So i just kept crying until i got too tired and fell asleep again. Then my father woke me up at 9 yelling about blood test and other stuff.

After i had collected myself together i left my bed, made myself breakfast and went back to watch bojack. Thing is: the episode was about his mom’s funeral. Tbh I wasn’t shaken up by his mom’s death cause she was a horrible mother. What made me cry for the third time that day was when bojack thought -at the hospital- his mom had had a lucid moment and had said “i see you” and he was like ok my mom was a nasty bitch for all my life but she finally told me she sees me, she must care about me. Then he remembered they were in the ICU and she was just reading the sign. That made him think about how much he hated his mom, but how amazing would it have been if she had actually validated him by saying “i see you”. It doesn’t matter how toxic your parents are, deep down, as much as you deny it, you’re still that 7yo kid that just needs just family support. That broke me in a hundred different ways.

Like i said before, i see my therapist everyday Thursday at 10:30am. I told her about the dream, the morning i had and the bojack episode. First thing she said was: you’re feeling pretty impotent, neglect and abandoned, right? And second: why do you keep watching and making things to feed your miserableness?. First answer is yes. Second is I don’t know.

I don’t remember when i stopped being the kid that tried not to be sad for too long to be the one that knows nothing but pain. I don’t know why I keep feeding my sadness. The things that she told me made me think that maybe it’s because i’ve been hurting for too long to actually know any other feeling. I know everyone goes through some tough moments, everyone experiences pain and hurt but i think that perhaps i’ve been through this too much. Grew up with an abusive dad, saw my mom beg for money to catch one damn bus too many times, found out my dad was cheating on my mom and had to tell her that, lost my grandpa - who was the most important person to me after my mom-, lost a friend in middle school (never told that to anyone but yeah i was i seventh grade she died in surgery), years later lost my mom, almost got kicked out of my house twice, had to listen that if my mom was still alive i’d be normal and some other things. That kinda breaks a human being doesn’t it? Maybe i feed my sadness bc the only thing i truly know is pain. I feel like i’ve been hurting ever since i can remember.

Do i feel impotent? Yes, i was the one supposed to be in the hospital when my mom passed but i changed days with my father. Do i feel neglected and abandoned? Fuck yes. I dont need a babysitter or something. nevertheless, having something ask how your day is, how you’re holding up, if everything is fine. ..That matters. And tbh? I dont have that. I love my friends im not saying they aren’t good friends omg. But i dont have that. Living like this just makes me feel miserable bc i dont wanna look like im a stupid needy baby bitch, for constantly needing reassurance like “yes you’re a decent person, b”, “b, i do care about you” “hey, you’re important to me” or something like bc YES I DO!!! im a fuck up that actually has too many self deprecating thoughts and needs reassurance. I hate myself so much for it. Dealing with fragile people is tiring and exhausting, having to reaffirm that you care about someone just bc they hate themselves so much to the point they cant believe your words fuxking drains you out. So i understand, i understand why i dont have all of that.... but understanding doesn’t stop me from the want.