#if anyone tries to infantilize me for any reason i will scare them till they beg ME to leave them alone

[greengargouille]

A change of perspective, chapter 2 - Tearing

Read from the start here

Read this chapter on ao3

Rating : General audiences Characters : Kayano Kaede, Horibe Itona, Shiro. Pairing : None.

Kayano didn’t come in class the next day.

She didn’t answer the text her newly made friends left her. Not when Kurahashi asked her if she was okay, not when Hara asked her if she wanted her to come to her house, not when Kataoka informed her they would all be in self study for an indefinite time till a new teacher was appointed.

As far as Akari was concerned, Kayano already died. She had ditched the hair dye bottle and put the grey uniform far, far away in her closet. Kaede was only a fake identity to approach this monster ; with him dead, she had no more utility for such a name.

It took her hours for the new to truly impact her. Even if she assisted to how the octopus was reduced to a slimy mess, she had needed time to accept it. Dead. Killed by the one she wanted to use as her cover and a few idiots that she thought were barely worth her interest.

She had wished for the satisfaction of seeing that smiley face when she would have told him who she truly was. She had wished for the joy of his fear, when he understood the consequence of killing her big sis, the best sister in the whole world. She had wished for something to take on her anger, something to tear apart and endure the pain she shouldn’t have to suffer.

Instead she was left with only her bitterness, frustration and a pair of useless tentacles.

It hurt. Even after the retribution this murderer deserved, Aguri’s death still hurt. Even after her goal was achieved, the living weapons stuck to her neck still hurt.

The bloodlust of the tentacles was sucked out as soon as that monster died, and so their cry for vengeance had extinguished, leaving only their need for energy. The spikes of pain drilling into her brain were coming at longer intervals now. They felt less sharp, too. Without an iron resolution to keep steady, they felt like torture.

She didn’t need them anymore, but Akari didn’t know how to remove those tentacles, nor did she knew anyone who would.

...Maybe Yanagisawa. He was the head scientist of that project on which Aguri helped. If anyone had a clue, it was him.

She hated him, though. He took her sister away from her, and her father only cried from happiness, as if it wasn’t wrong for Aguri not to be with them and that they should all go live their own separate life. She also hated how his smug, confident face reminded her so much of older colleagues in her acting job, kind to her but full of contempt in her back. And then he always treated her as a child, as if with fourteen years of existence, a solid career and having to deal with her mother’s death at an early age didn’t made her mature enough as far as he was concerned.

She also hated how she felt he would see that hate as validation of her childishness.

Akari could - she would hold on without his or anyone’s help. She won’t let that kill her. It would be infantile to let herself die just not to see her... brother-in-law. So she absolutely couldn’t let those tentacles win.

She didn’t know how to contact Yanagisawa, anyways. She had removed his phone number and mail adress from her phone soon after her sister added them, and did not know where he might live. The last time she have seem him those last months were during Aguri’s funeral. Her sister didn’t have many friends ; her social life fell so low after she had to work through two jobs at the same time. It was easy, in this half-empty room, to see the man come mid-ceremony, his face ill and his left eye all patched up, and see him go before the end.

-He should have been in the front, seated next to her and her father, offering incense to Aguri’s memories, he was her fiance, didn’t he care about her-

Akari felt some relief that the decision of not meeting him was already taken for her, in a way. She wouldn’t have to constantly justify it to herself til her motivation grew thin.

...She still wondered where he could be, though.

Itona never have seen Shiro be in such an horrible mood. The white clothed man left such a solid impression of calmness that it was difficult to see him in that impostor-like figure, broking things and screaming in anger.

“He can’t have died - he was mine to kill !! He was mine !”

His underlings didn’t seems too fazed by this attitude, though, showing an air of resignation as if it was to be expected. They didn’t even seem that concerned about it either, the thrill of another new shadowing the worry.

“Did you hear ? That monster - -I can’t believe it ! And to think he killed so many- -You think he went mad from the outside world ? -Possible, he was confined during so much time after all- -Wait, so it was some kind of suicide ? -No no, it’s the children, they killed him-”

So much chatter. It hurts Itona’s head. He disliked how he was left in a corner without explanations. Today was supposed to be his day. He was supposed to get tentacles. It’s been days he’ve been trained for it, his body modified to handle the shock. Instead of what he’ve been thrown on the side, the attention of the whole team centered on that event.

He have been trying to understand what everyone was talking about. What was that monster ? It couldn’t be the creature he was supposed to kill. It was stronger than any human or weapon ; it couldn’t have died. The one they talked about must have been very weak. Why were they still going on that instead of prioritizing the strong ?

That must be because Itona was weak. Even if his body could now easily crush the students that have bullied him, he was so weak compared to what he could be.

He felt the bitter taste of the time his father’s factory went bankrupt. Everyone going left and right and speaking over each other of things he couldn’t grasp, not paying any attention to the child seeking something to hold on to on those stressful times.

During those times he regretted not going into his father’s office to support him when he needed it. Itona should have shown him stability ; maybe he wouldn’t have left then.

The boy slowly made his way to the room everyone seemed to distance themselves from. “It’s best to leave him alone in those cases”. Screw it. What did they understood ? They were weak. That’s why they weren’t the head of the project.

Itona didn’t dislike Shiro. He didn’t have strong feelings of attachment to him, but he met him when he needed someone to look over him and be concerned about his situation.

That day that happened after weeks of his uncle travelling across the country for work. “I’m young and single, it’s normal they give me those missions, if they knew I had to take care of a child it would bring me lot of trouble, you know ? Will you be strong enough to stay alone for a few days more ?” Itona wasn’t strong then, but he hadn’t been able to say it. Even if he couldn’t go to school because the other students were starting to be painful. Even if he felt nauseous from only eating convenience-store food. Even if he was scared because the moon had exploded two weeks ago and he didn’t understand how it was possible and what might happen then.

That day when he avoided coming back to an empty, messy house, by dragging himself in the streets way after night. It was when he was picked up by that man, that saw him and promised a strength he pretended to have and needed so much.

That rainy day by the end of March. His 14th birthday.

That’s why, even if they weren’t close, Itona wanted to see if he could help Shiro. He would ask him for his tentacles and become the strongest person on Earth, and then he would be able to destroy any obstacle standing their way, and maybe his father would hear about it and he would come back, too.

The door of the office made an awful noise as it pushed through bit of glass and pile of papers.

The faint noise Itona heard before Shiro suppressed it almost sounded like a sob. The man was sitting at his desk, slouched in his chair instead of his usual upright position, his mask still on his face. Of course. Itona likely wouldn’t want to show his expression either if he had cried, whether from sadness or anger. That was weakness. That’s why he tried so hard to keep an inexpressive face.

“Itona.” A voice devoid of choke. Yet, there was a certain heaviness to it. “I was supposed to obtain my tentacles today. -...That was the original plan, yes. But there’s no need anymore. -...Why ? -My... The creature is dead.” Shiro paused an instant, as if admitting this took him a considerable effort. “Everything is useless now. You’re no longer needed.”

Itona took that last sentence as a punch to the guts. He however did his best so it didn’t show how it affected him.

“You promised me I would get tentacles. -Wrong. I promised to make you strong. We have hardly finished the modifications on your body, but as far as normal humans are concerned, your physical abilities are way better than average. -I still want the tentacles. -No you don’t.” The answer was unexpectedly sharp and fast. “You won’t be able to sustain them. The only reason the project was viable was because we had the means to produce large quantities of energy in a short time, regularly, and there’s no reason for us to do that now that we don’t need such an unstable weapon. What you’re asking for is merely a long and painful death. -But...” Without tentacles, Itona wouldn’t stay strong very long. His body would soon return to that of a small fourteen years old boy. Useless. “Ask someone to drive you back at your home. We will send someone later to give some false explanation to your uncle. Ah, and when you leave, close the door and tell everyone to let me alone, I... need some time to think by myself.”

Your home. Was there even such a thing anymore ? His father, that was his home. It disappeared soon after him, the house taken and sold.

“Goodbye, Itona.”

Shiro insisted as he saw that the boy didn’t move.

This place felt suddenly suffocating. Too big. Too heavy. No longer needed. You’re a loser who ain’t got nothing. Why did he thought that would change ?! From the start, he always... he always needed someone to be strong !

He wanted to protest and scream, he wanted to destroy everything. But there was nothing left that wasn’t already broken.

He didn’t close the door when he left.

Itona hoped nobody noticed how he was close to tears.

[opalmothnightingale]

4- 3- 18 - A new way of doing things,...  If my husband gets very ill.  I don’t know what to expect from my husband’s illness and treatments.  I don’t know what I expect him to do, if he doesn’t feel good.  He’s not used to not feeling good.  He was always healthy, never had the slightest symptoms, never got a cold, etc, and now he’s been having a lot more symptoms and sometimes he complains a lot.  It seems as if his personality has changed too so he’s a lot more methodical and resistant to trying new things.  

So though I might could come up with ideas of how to heal, how to eat healthier, how to improve his chances of healing by reducing risk factors, he has become very stubborn and fixed in his habits.  It’s discouraging to me.  His narcissistic/sociopathic seeming traits and behaviors are a concern for me, that he might get needy and abusive, because of his life being disrupted and then he could take it out on me, instead of just doing something that actually might help or facing the realities of unpleasant things.  

I wanted to try to help him make the most of things but I feel like since his illness makes it so that his main source of enjoyment is suspicious (sunlight, going outdoors), he might just harden into the habit of not trying anything new and just going downhill, mentally, emotionally, physically.  Not coping, not adapting.  If that happens then I wonder how long it will last,...  I have known family members who seem to be miserable for years on end, possibly...  They put up a good front then tell us they’re feeling completely agonized, though their faces do not show it, and so I wonder how much misery are they feeling for years on end,... 

It scares me.  Some have said they feel like they’re dying, total agony, but they still try to march on bravely and let no one know much,...  I know after all the pain that I’ve already had and the exhaustion and brain fog, there is only so much I can take before my whole heart, soul, mind and memory and worldview and personality are really harmed because I can’t keep up the inner awareness anymore.  The pain and exhaustion make it so I lose who I am,...  Lose who I am inside, not just how I behave,...  

No...  It doesn’t seem fair to leave someone hanging in that state so they can lose their heart, mind and soul and become a facile infantile version of themselves, miserable and empty and tormented...  I want to find a way to end it if it seems I might be in limbo like that for too long.  Not that I know if I have any likelihood of that happening to me.  

Because, really, I have no big reasons I can see to worry or assume anything, no major obvious signs of cancer, but only fibromyalgia or whatever and a few odd symptoms that might be this or that or the other, no clear red flags for cancer.  And so, I still don’t know if I’m likely to have cancer but it seems that as soon as you start treatment you start feeling agony, and often felt just fine before the treatment, which leads me to ask,...  

But,... The question on my mind lately...  I wonder,...  how long can you go without treatment and might I actually feel a shorter but more enjoyable life is worth it rather than diving in the torment of treatment that might extend quality lifespan, but might not add anything but tormented lifespan of rapid and long range decay of soul and heart...  I have to ask it honestly.  

I won’t do what others want me to do...  I won’t paint a pretty sweet picture.  I won’t sidestep and tiptoe on eggshells around anything too upsetting for fear others will be upset.  At least, not on this blog...  I don’t talk to anyone in real life, really about these things much.  Not so far, and I don’t know if I’ll feel able or if they’d be too scared and make me feel bad to even go there with them...  But, no, totally,...  I am not in denial, not afraid of facing the facts or at least, I will face them rather than delude myself into thinking that they’re not real.  That there’s some quick fix panacea. 

But right now I don’t even want to think of my own health too much, mainly just the last resort to keep it from getting to the point of being too bad, to be ready for that if it ever happened.  But otherwise, I am thinking of how to be well if my husband deteriorates and becomes a shell of himself, negative, unwilling to do anything positive to help things be better, taking it out on others.  

So,...  What to do if that goes on for years?  It is not fair, that he forced me to become pregnant and could hold me and my child hostage to his abuse, so I feel if things became too bad I could leave.  But I might not be able to manage raising my daughter and I wouldn’t have good insurance if any, and I can’t function at most jobs, so it’s quite ominous for me.  

Sigh...  Yes, I know, perhaps it sounds bad but he is a narcissist who demands false love...  He has abused me and I keep the beast quiet through tricks of energy and spirit and things, and keep his most noxious behaviors calmed down...  

Let’s please get real,...  I try to make the best of things, but...  No,...  He’s not some great, beneficent loving person who deserves so much.  He’s taken so much from me, emotionally, mentally...  He gave me space and shelter and time and money to soul search alone while he left me when he goes to work.  He gave me a daughter who healed me but I felt I might not be able to handle her, and wasn’t at all prepared and it’s the emotional, intellectual, social equivalent to tyrannically seizing control of my heart, soul and future to force me in the position of either abort or raise the child I didn’t feel prepared to have....

He takes us to parks,...  He cooks sometimes and does some housework...  But love?  No, I don’t feel it from him much.  I feel it’s like he has tried to make a world of illusory love and makes us pretend along with him, or else...  

And so...  

...I just really hope that he could fade in the background and leave me alone,...  You know,... if he was unwilling to try to be more positive, at least retreat and me and my daughter could find some new way of creating our own life, with him on the fringes and so how, spirit, if it comes to that?  That is the real question on my mind here right now that seems the most clear likely potential I might need to face, to “live while we’re still alive”... For me and my daughter regardless of what my husband chooses to do (and yes, I do know that he might feel so bad he has nothing that could help him feel better but I’m talking about not trying even when there are good things that could help..)

It is a question I ask spirit, waiting for the answers.  It seems important to ask and figure it out now, rather than wait till I feel miserable and am under fire from various stresses and problems, which might happen.  Then again I really don’t know what to expect, because they said my husband has a “tiny bit of cancer on one lymph node” and the doctor thought that he might not have to treat it, till testing showed how to treat it or if to treat it.  

Then he was referred to another doctor who said he would go ahead and treat it since there was any cancer at all on any lymph nodes and I feel like the doctors give this kind of comforting language but don’t really clue you in to what to expect till you’ve slid straight into the pit, and they’ll say stuff like “we think we can wipe it out” or “we think we got all the cancer”, but then “we THINK”...  

Think being the key word,...  Which is really quite baffling what that really means....  Think how surely, how likely, and why? 

Then they’ll say something like “if it’s spread all over your body, we’ll have to give you systemic treatment (which I think makes you Really, Really ill) and after they already said they thought they could wipe it out.  

For example,...  And at the very beginning, the doctor said he thought it probably had not spread at all...  But why?  After reading more it seems that was an irresponsible thing to say although I have to say it bought me a week of not worrying too much till the results showed otherwise, and then he was saying it wasn’t too serious and that also eased my mind but eventually easing your mind starts to feel like being led along to be unprepared....  And, so I want to really know...  

how many of these conflicting contrary messages are we going to get?  What am I to make of it...  How can I make sense of these messages?  My husband said he thought the doctor was a melanoma specialist, or maybe I have that mixed up and one of them is a specialist but another one is not that he is seeing.  

Because in some ways, it’s like the doctors think maybe they know better, not only in terms of treatment and the science but also what to tell and a “need to know” thing where they can withhold information if it might be too upsetting and let us deal with it when it happens.  Sigh.  That is disturbing.  Why would they do that?  Is it to save their own stress of seeing us upset?  It feels like being slung around recklessly in a life or death, terribly distressing situation.  I feel like I have to be prepared for anything because I’m not so sure how much these doctors really know what they’re talking about or even what they’re doing.  

And,...   That is that.  But the alternative is that there’s all these websites and anecdotes that are likely fabricated, exaggerated, and make all kinds of contrary claims about this, that and the other,...  and give all kinds of extreme terror stories, and I don’t even want to trudge through that nightmare swamp...  which may be more illusion and make you more ill through stress alone, if not dubious or even harmful treatments that might prevent getting more effective treatments or might interfere with the treatments the allopathic doctor provides.  People seem to be terrified to see pain and suffering for what it really is, but I want to see it and deal with it, even if that means dying early by my own decision to end soul destroying pain and decay...