#if anyone writes this before i do I'll just sadly slunk away but ive been thinking about it for too long and the words are jisg

[hauntedpearl]

anyway fic concept I'm pulling and stretching like candy in my brain rn: what if amara pulled cas' grace out as a "gift" to dean instead of resurrecting mary and it was so awfulhorrendousbad for everyone involved.

like cas does not want to be human but there's nothing he can do and also he just has to live in this state knowing full well that it was something done to him (again) for the sake of someone else (again) and the person his body is supposed to serve is like. he's not even interested in it! he's not even caring and apologetic about it! because dean wouldn't be.

the problem with Dean is that he's extremely self-indulgent when he's experiencing pain which means that even when hes dying of guilt he'll turn it into a pity party and explode with anger and frustration instead of. like. putting the needs of the people he's feeling guilty about having hurt first. and he never expects absolution but he craves it deep within and he's also. like. so afraid of it. like he wants to be forgiven for things but he cannot handle the tenderness that comes with forgiveness i think so he must like. act unforgivable. or something. idk I'm just. thinking out loud.

anyway. yes. so when this happens dean's just so goddamn hurt that he can't do anything to help cas get his wings back + that cas is. like. in this state because Amara wanted to do something for him so this is simply the most blatant and warped manifestation of his desire to be. like. with cas. which. at that point i think he's still battling with that intensely and he doesn't like what he's seeing. i think he only becomes okay with it post widower arc in s13 because the vaccum cas left behind was like. too large. and if it was a choice between being okay with being gay for the angel and not having the angel at all, it's an easy choice. like that's my interpretation. but anyway. i digress.

so. dean's just incapable of even confronting cas head-on beyond, idk, just bringing him back to the bunker and making sure he's not dead (bmol plot is not happening in this fic bc i am. not someone with that much talent lmao). he avoids him and leaves sam to take care of cas and sam is like. bad at it. he is horrible at it. he also does not want to be involved in whatever is going on with Dean and cas and he craves a return to normalcy. so when cas decides to just bail on the brothers after he's had enough of this. frankly emotional torture, sam is like. more than happy to pack his bags for him and give him money and send him on his way. I think cas does confront dean before he goes and he openly states whatever dean is not ready to face. he's like you love me and that's why this happened to me and i love you and i forgive you but i cannot stand to be here anymore. and he just leaves and does not contact dean for a long time. like i think dean does. get better. because he has to. FOR ME. he has to do it because i want him to do it. and he like gets to a place where he can accept whatever is going on with him and also. like. accept cas' rejection were it to come his way. for rejecting him first. ykwim? and cas also has his own. journey where he has to come to terms with living as a human being even tho he isn't and he never truly will be but his grace is gone and the guy it's gone for is not in his life by his choice and everything SUCKS. but like. you keep living because you have to. eventually you'll find joy one way or another. you learn to be okay. i think cas learns to be okay. and he only reaches out to dean after he's. like. reached a point where he feels fulfilled and happy and just. wants to give dean another shot. feels confident enough that he'll choose himself it he has to. and then when they meet up it's electric it's fire and it's love and it's all things romance ™ (for meee!!! for me!!!) and then they kiss and then they sit down and talk and cry and dean reveals the extent to which he wants this whole thing to be entirely Cas' choice and he is just HERE. he is JUST HERE he doesn't care if he has to do uncomfortable things!! and cas is like well good because you have to do many uncomfortable things but it's like. it's good it's compromise and they take care of each other etc the end

ANYWAY. AMARA TAKING CAS' GRACE. YEAH