#if i meet her one day imma send her my therapy bill for this week's session cuz wow liz is gonna get an earful

[prozac-shaped-urn]

so *clap*

i just watched passion...... again....... don't look at me that way all three of you who are also so far down the d. murphy rabbit hole you cannot see daylight......... and i am fighting off the microdose of weed that makes me sleepy. OTHERWISE i wouldn't likely be so nonchalant about what i'm about to admit. and yeah you can bully me for it. but not in a mean way, just a knowing nod and chuckle kinda way. call me a hypocrite and whatnot.

soooooo i've never been ~in love~ and i'm not sure i understand the mindset of someone who's actively ~in love~ since i've never been there, but i do understand the mindset of someone who lives with a chronic illness. i relate to fosca a little too hard when she's shaking from happiness as that's a trigger for me also. i'm the child of a narcissist and was love-bombed my whole life, so receiving too much of an uptick in dopamine and oxytocin makes my brain go "waaaaait a second what's going on????? do i need to be Concerned? do i need to Prepare?" so i get that fosca is simultaneously scared and excited at the prospect of Being Happy and Feeling Loved. i will have a panic attack if i fall in love one day. i know i will and i'll have to talk myself down from it. i'm prepared for that. what i'm decidedly NOT prepared for is not preparing for the worst. i'm so accustomed to being productively paranoid (as a friend put it recently) that if i'm not over-preparing for things that could possibly happen, i'm anxious. relaxing is STRESSFUL for me. like what do you mean i can't brace for impact? i can't protect myself? i can't defend myself? i have to just ~let someone else~ do that???? REALLY?????? not fun.

so when fosca realizes giorgio loves her n shit and has that moment of anxiety/panic/adrenaline rush/overdose of cortisol/whatever the fuck, and giorgio asks her if she's cold and she's like nah i'm happy but there's so little time, my heart went OUCH FUCK THAT'S TOO CLOSE TO HOME. because lemme tell y'all something and this is where you can bully me and bully me hard.

i've spent my whole life trying to push the time limit so far into the next century that i won't have any time left to make a mistake.

i can't start over from 20 and fall madly in love and get married and buy a house. my bestie did that and she was miserable.

i can't start over from 30 and fall madly in love and live with my partner and raise a brood of dogs.

i can't start over from 40 and fall madly in love and settle into a life with someone and grow to know them more with each passing day. my dad and stepmom did that and they've been together 20 years

i can't do any of those. and if i do live past 60, i can't start over then either. i'm stuck in my present. i have to start here. i have to start where i am now. but my problem is that the person i'm meant to be with isn't in my generation. they're significantly older than me and with such little time as we'll have, i'm scared that i'll fuck it up. i don't want a tryst, i don't want an affair, i don't want a half-assed commitment. i want a full and completely equal partnership that will make me regret not being open to it for so long.

i want to commiserate with betty white when she talked about allen ludden begging her to marry him for a year and she refused, and that was the only regret of her life. THAT'S what i want. THAT'S the level of connection i want to have with a partner. and that's why i've been pushing the time limit. i know i won't find it in people my age, and the only way to have a greater chance of finding it at all is to wait until age catches up to people and maturity (hopefully) follows.

how do i know the part about the generational divide? oh... i've only had three precognitions about my future partner. and they're currently 75 years old. what a pair we'll make.

the youngest old person and the oldest young person on the planet walk into a bar...