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#if that makes sense. like ''she'll be there regardless''. like i'm in a reserve room incase anyone should need me
navramanan
·
1 year
Text
Dont know which would be worse
#having only myself to blame or being able to point fingers at my parents
#sometimes i do both. i blame myself but also my parents but then i look at my sister who had the same parents
#and she still has a more fullfilling social life than i do
#she has her few friends but her friendships are so fulfilling she doesnt want any more
#and then you have me fighting tooth and nail to meet new people
#and still feel incredibly lonely most of the time
#i love the friends i have but i feel alone regardless
#it's like i dont have anyone to really count on. which is selfish. but i've always felt like a reserve friend
#if that makes sense. like ''she'll be there regardless''. like i'm in a reserve room incase anyone should need me
#i'm convinced there's something wrong with me. something i just cant manage to do right
#i know i shouldnt hold on to the past but how if it affects my present
#i always feel so awful when i see and hear about the concept ''friendships formed during childhood & adolescense are the most special''
#and everyone i know left that phase with a best friend. and a couple good friends
#and i left it feeling like i just. you know how schools are crowded places and you exit from the door and everyone goes home
#i felt like while everyone was leaving with at least someone i was leaving it alone
#like watching everyone walk away with each other and i'm walking out alone
#like. like i was just surrounded by so many people when did it become so empty
#i wish i had at least that one person with whom i have that very special bond
#i feel like i have no one to really count on. no one needs me while i need someone
#i'm scared of my future too like i'll remain this lonely for a long time. bc what will happen with me
#when i've already lost my chance in school and uni
#uni was atrocious it started with covid and all my classes were completely online the first two semesters
#i somehow managed to make three friends that are very dear to me
#but as i said. i'm looking for that one special connection and i think this search for it will be my demise 🤣
#anyway i feel like if i continue it will get less comprehensible
#nesi rants
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