#if this is wonky it's bc I'm on 3 hrs of sleep and fresh of three straight days of crying my eyes out

[rainbowgaez]

long ramble because i just dropped my gf off at the airport and I am a fucking mess with too many thoughts in my brain

over the last couple weeks, i finally met one of my partners—the one ive been with longer than ive been with literally anyone else in my life. despite being together since mid 2016, this was the first time we both had the wherewithal to make a visit happen, and while that may seem like it took way too long, for a lot of reasons that you don't need to know, it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time.

she flew in on the 26th and immediately i knew we would get along just as easily as we had online for years before then. both of us have always talked about how quiet and introverted we are, but it was one of those things where i didn't know if we were going to truly vibe irl until it happened, even if both of us were pretty sure we would.

we always talked abt how the first car ride from the airport was going to be awkward—it's a 3 hour drive from my place to there. both of us are slow to work up to physical affection, but when i picked her up, it wasn't but like ten or twenty minutes into the ride before we were wrapped up in each other. it just clicked. that's so incredibly rare for me with anyone. even partners ive established intimacy with, i usually have to re-warm up to them after time apart. so the fact that we connected so quickly when we first met was so special.

im a pretty boring, solitary person. my favorite activities are ones in which it's quiet and i can do my own thing. this is always a bit scary for me. i don't want to bore anyone just because my brain only ever feels like engaging with what it wants. but that wasn't a problem with her—quite the opposite, actually. we could just sit there and quietly do our own thing in my room, and it felt every bit as special as it would if we went out and did things. there was no pressure for either of us. we settled into each other's patterns instantly. within days, it felt like she'd been living with us all along. i wished that were the case.

distance is hard. it's a lot of counting. how many miles apart you are. how many hours, days it would take to close the gap. how much time will it be before you can be together for real.

and then, when you plan a visit, it becomes about counting down, and that's so exciting. you start counting the months until it's time. before you know it, you're counting the weeks. it's something to look forward to. something to hang on to.

but the moment you meet, the countdown isnt exciting anymore. it gets a lot harder. you might still have weeks to count, but before you know it, weeks become days. days become hours. hours become minutes. minutes become mile markers, and mile markers become exits, exits become streets, streets become steps, and steps become seconds spent holding each other, waiting for the other to pull away because it's the last thing you want to do. but you have to. that's the only way to start the count over. and that sucks. because you dont get to know how long it's going to be until way later. but just the same, you don't know when the next countdown will be the last one. it's the most terrifying assurance there is.

i feel blessed that me, her, and all my partners exist in the same time, in a reality where we have the ability to connect to each other despite how unlikely the chances of us ever meeting were. i feel lucky to live in a world where, one day, a silly string of text like @nudist-squid can be the first name i know someone who will eventually become one of the most important people in my life by.

but at the same time, im heartbroken and devastated. it feels cruel that we met because of certain circumstances, and yet we exist so far away for those same reasons. and closing that gap takes so much from both of us, and there's no promise we can ever close it for good. but if I can help it, I certainly want to try.

this summer has been dogshit. ive been through so much unnecessary bullshit, and when things have been looking to improve, something else happens. but this was the most wonderful bookend to a dismal season i could have asked for.

thanks for reading.