octavesonline02

[drkcnry67]

title: will you be my date?

pairing: Jensen x reader

fluff 2020 sq: fake dating

rating: pg-13

tags: flirtation, wedding date, fake wedding date, meeting again first time in months, meeting the friends, faking it for the press, whats fake becomes reality, alot of fluffiness ness

summery: not telling

created for @spnfluffbingo​  

fluff 2020 masterlist     part 1   part 2

our reader had met Jensen in disney world orlando of all places their month long vacay was spent together, their lives forever changed by that moment. now we come in after they have been apart and not seen eachother for almost 7 months.

it had almost been 7 months since the vacation that changed your entire life. you had gone and gotten a press job, you were set to cover a wedding in california in the next few weeks.

you made ready to travel and of course your best friend was coming with you. every good journalist needs a second in command. someone to take notes and answer calls and such. she was happy to do so.

Beth: “whose wedding are we covering?”

YN: “i dont know but its gonna be a wedding for the ages. i just hope there is no surprises while we are there and that we can outscoop those vulture presses in california.”

Beth: “why do they always have you covering weddings?”

YN: “cause my first article was a small wedding cover on a teacher at the university who had asked me to cover their wedding for the school paper. this firm liked how i did it so they have me covering weddings of all types.”

Beth: “have you heard from him?”

you smiled cause you knew she would ask. she always did like the caring best friend she was.

YN: “yes he said he was gonna be traveling for work in the next few days. so we will find time to talk in the next week or so.”

Beth smiled she knew you had fallen hard for Jensen and the way she had heard you speak about him she knew he had to be your one. as you were his.

Beth: “dont fret girl, you both will be back to your text routine in the next week. right now we have things to prepare. now lets go through the checklist.”

ah yes the check list. the same one you both went through a few days before every single trip you both took. this list went as follows:

pack: toiletries, 4 shirts, 2 pants, 2 skirts, 2 shorts, 2 sweater, 5 dresses, 4 shoes, camera, tripod, notbook, laptops, and other such equipment.

print out flight info, press papers and such.

call the landlord and let him know bout your trip and that he can collect and drop off your mail.

call your familys to let them know that you both were going on another trip.

double checking that you have everything packed the night before your flight.

eat when at the airport easier and less likely to be hungry on the flight.

call your boss and let her know your getting on the flight.

that was the list. this list gets checked, checked and triple checked. making sure that anything and everything you both would/might need while away was with you. this was your normal.

there were times you wished you could see jensen even for a moment to tell him of your stronger feelings. cause that was something that you simply did not do over text.

5 am flights are evil, but 330am flights are the devil. the good news was that you had this was the best flight of your life and best part was that your boss charged everything to the company card including any spending you girls may do while there,

being in this field of profession was amazing. most of the time you both took full advantage of this. okay all the time. this was the few times where you could both splurge and not worry bout the bank accounts.

Jensen was the one who was also boarding a flight at the same time. little did you both know was that you would see eachother sooner than you both would think.

Jensen: “bro i wish i could see her again trust me when i say i feel it, she is my soulmate. she is the one i am meant to be with for the rest of my life. but how do i tell her of these feelings over text. it doesnt seem right. when/if i see her again im gonna tell her the truth.”

Jared: “if fate comes together the way it should, you will in time bro. you will see her again and have the chance to tell her the truth.”

Jensen: “ya i guess your right. so you ready to go. Misha isnt gonna wait forever.”

within a few hours on a flight you and your bestie were at the airport, grbabing your luggage and heading to meet the cab to get to the hotel you were staying at.

the  Ayres Hotel Manhattan Beach LAX this was one of the nicest hotels you both had stayed at in your adventures. you checked in and went to your room.

YN: “do you think i could ever be truly happy.?.”

Beth: “what ever would give you such an idea that you wouldnt be?”

YN: “maybe the fact that Jensen is all i have been able to think about when it comes to dating and i have no idea where he is or if i will ever see him again.”

Beth: “believe me girl when i say that you will find your happily ever after with the right man, whether that be Jensen or not.”

YN: “thank you for being my best friend.”

Beth: “your welcome now lets get into something cute and go for a stroll through town there are bound to be a few small shops that we want to hit. dont worry bout anything girl. we will find love soon. both of us.  dont worry about any of this relationship buisness. now whose wedding are we covering this time.”

you took out the notes and looked at the name. before now you had not heard of the show supernatural. you were not in the know how, you were in the comic book side of things and more into superheros. Supernatural never came up.

Beth was the one person who you always counted on when you were well going through life. you knew that one day maybe sometime soon, you would find thr one person you were always meant to be with, or the fact that you possibly have already found yours.

Jensen and Jared were in the same area as you and Beth little did you know that you would both bump into the 2 men who one of which had already strolled into your life and practically stollen your heart.

Jensen and Jared were walking in suit of you and Beth neither of you aware of the other party. but as Jensen and Jared were walking along they realized that they hadnt eaten.

you had made your way into the food court with Beth, you both sat in the santa lucia in that food court waiting for your pasta bowls. both of you waiting for the pasta and thats when you heard it, when your ears caught wind of the voice you had not heard for almost 7 months. the voice that had calmed you down.

the voice that made your vacation in florida alot better. you got up out of your seat and turned around.

YN: “Jensen.”

at the sound of his name Jensen turned towards you. it was like something out of a hollywood movie, you both moved magnetized towards eachother landing once more in eachothers embrace. after months of not having seen eachother, not being able to feel a single touch or to hear a voice was as breathtaking as the day you both first met.

lingering in the embrace for a while made both of your best friends finally realize what the hell just happened.

Jensen: “omg i cant believe that your here.”

YN: “you cant believe it, neither can i. but what are you doing here i thought you were working?”

Jensen: “im the best man at my other best friends wedding.”

You smiled…

YN: “what a coincidence im here as a journalist to cover a wedding suppsed to be a huge deal and im supposed to get the best most amazing article ever again.”

Jensen and Jared decided they would join you and Beth for lunch so you and Jensen could have some time.

Jensen: “im sorry i didnt tell you where or what…”

YN: “no worries. neither of us lied we just werent specific. whose your best friend whose getting married.”

Jensen: “whose your client?”

Beth chimes in at that moment…

Beth: “why dont you both say the first name at the same time on the count of 3.”

you and Jensen turned to face eachother as the countdown started…

Beth: “1… 2… 3…”

both you and Jensen had taken a huge breath to make sure that it would come out clear as a bell.

Both (Jensen & YN): “Misha…”

the looks of shock crossed both of your features…

Jensen: “your one of the reporters covering my best friends wedding…”

YN: “yes and im gonna write a better article than any of them… i have many journalist enemies. ask Beth my best friend and partner in journalist crime fighting.”

Jensen: “its very nice to finally meet you Beth YN has spoken nothing but good things about her best friend. my best friend in the universe is the man sitting right beside yours this is Jared…”

Jared who now was gazing at Beth turned to you to greet you.

Jared: “its an honor to meet the mystery woman who my brother here had not shut up about. dude did you tell her?”

Jensen now had his hand around yours firmly but neither of you had noticed anyone out of the ordinary around. but in truth there were photographers. hidden ones 2 of them, snapping photos of you Jensen Jared and Beth little known to any of you but your photos would be all over the tabloids in the morning of next.

unbeknown to those photographers your boss was also a lawyer and she would eat those photographers bosses for breakfast lunch dinner and dessert.

Jensen: “Jared, Misha and i are celebrities we are the main stars of the hit tv show Supernatural…”

YN: “i didnt realize.. i mean no disrespect or anything but i would have had no idea that you were a celebrity if you had not just told me…”

Jensen: “i hope your not mad that i didnt tell you.”

You put your hand on his and smiled.

YN: “i am not mad at all… umm there is nothing about this in any of my books.”

Jensen: “well we will have lunch, all 4 of us will go shopping and touring and then we will go back to the hotel and introduce you to our hit tv show. speakign of which what hotel are you guys at?”

you were smiling as you pulled the room card out and showed it to Jensen, who just smiled happily like a kid in a candy store. this was probably the happiest moment you had experienced since your vacation to florida.

Jensen: “so we are in the same hotel and our suites are right beside eachother. this is gonna be the best few weeks ever…”

YN: “agreed plus now you can experience the world the way i see it…”

Jensen: “i look forward to it… now whats for lunch?”

You smiled and remembered how much you missed Jensen’s commitment to every single meal…

YN: “never ending pasta bowls if the waitress comes back… but i was now thinking maybe we can all just split a couple pizzas whatever we dont eat we can get in take out containers and eat for dinner tonight… oh that reminds me Beth did you bring the list and the bags?”

Beth smiled and nodded. you had the backpack she had the purse and the shopping bags. the guys got the just of what you were talking about when they saw all the bags…

Jensen: “wow you are gonna do some massive shopping hmm…”

YN: “well we dont plan to eat out every single night and day… sure we are on company card with no limits but thats not how we roll we always stay in a hotel with a suite style so kitchenette and such…thats why we are where we are.”

Jensen: “you are as smart as you are cunning and beautiful. now lets go shopping and maybe ill get something special for a special girl.”

this made your heart flutter of course neither you not Jensen had admitted anytihng yet. but maybe it will come out soon. but not right then.

YN: “your so sweet… but i am still hungry…”

Jensen: “then lets bring the waiter and order our food…”

Jensen waves down the waitress who comes take your order and comes back 20 min later with your food, the bags full of your pizzas portioned into meals, as well as the pasta bowl for you all to split.

after lunch, you all exited the food court and went to walk around. you and Beth hit several hundred stores for clothing, stationary, electronics, groceries etc. Jensen had bought several items since he went everywhere you did as Jared did Beth.

Jared: “i have an idea why dont we all watch supernatural together i think both of these ladies deserve to see why we are some of the countries most amazing actors. cause im sure we have enough snacks to make it quite far in the show. plus i think we can all also play a game or 2 of truth or dare… make this a game night…”

with everyone in agreemnet, you all hit a few more shops on the way back to the hotel. arms full of shopping bags full of food and miscellanious items of various varieties. including another 2 small suitcases to help bring back everything you and Beth bought.

arriving back at the hotel, you all head into your seperate rooms to put down all your shopping stuff, then Jensen and Jared arrive back a few moments later to see you going through the papers on the table.

Jensen: “what are you doing beautiful?”

YN: “going over my list so i know what i have to bring to the wedding… which i know isnt for a few days yet but if i want to write the best article and make my boss proud once again i have to do all the research i can…”

Jensen looked at Jared who nodded his head as both of them were thinking the exact same idea…

Jensen: “do you want a few quotes from us as we are in the wedding party…”

you grabbed your notebook questionaire and pen and ushered the guys to the table.  where sitting down the following interview took place:

YN: “thank you both of you for offering to give me some insight ahead of the wedding. i know you both are dedicated to every cause you must be involved in but you both have so many talents. can either of you tell me any details about the wedding from your perspective?”

Jared ushers to Jensen for him to answer the question…

Jensen: “Misha is our dear friend, brother and co star so its an honor for us to have helped him with his wedding. this wedding contains a kind of simpleness that would soothe any bad mood. from what ive seen of the hall already it looks amazing and the couple is happy as can be. we are all very exicted about the big day.”

you finish writing down the quote and then you smile as you look at your question list.

YN: “one more question, who will both of you be bringing to the wedding as your dates?”

Jensen: “im going solo to see what the evening harolds for me.”

Jared: “same here, cause we mostly want to make that evening about Misha and Victoria, they need to have the most amazing day ever and if we can find our happiness during the event then we will pursue whatever comes our way.”

YN: “thank you both of you for those beautiful words. ill definately have the best article now… i believe someone said something about introducing us to Supernatural. and will there be some cuddling involved?”

you sent a wink Jensen’s way..

Jensen: “so ladies where are we watching the show? out here or in one of the bedrooms?”

both beth and Jared noticed the subtle enchanges between you and Jensen, knowing that with the cuddling would come eventually fallin asleep into your afternoon naps, which usually would take place after lunch.

you held Jensen’s hand leading him into the bedroom where the bed was right in front of the television. this television was already programed with netflix and such.

Jensen and you took off your coats and shoes and got cozy on the bed. Jared and Beth sat on the fouton couch and quietly watched you and Jensen hoping that you both would find happiness in eachother.

but it was up to you and Jensen to figure out from within yourselves first if you both truly wanted this. Jared and Beth wouldnt interfere… they just wanted their friends to be happy.

YN: “okay whose got the remote cause we dont.”

Beth: “im on it bestie…”

she shot a wink your way and you smiled as Jensen’s hand was on your thigh under the blanket. his fingers cool to the touch on your skin. this was your happy place.

Jared: “you both are gonna love this show…”

the pilot starts and you feel Jensen’s fingers tracing circles into your thigh, Jared and Beth are on the couch looking all normal cozy. you and Jensen were all bed cozy.

at the end of the pilot you and Jensen nodded off, the exhaustion had finally caught up, your head was Nestled into Jensen’s neck his arms were around your form as you both were passed out.

Jared: “they passed out faster than expected. would you like to go back to my room so these 2 can sleep for the night in peace.”

Beth: “lets go cause im sure they arent waking up anytime soon.”

Beth and Jared sneak out of the hotel room, you and jensen remain peacefully asleep, this was your salvation. this was to be your future if you played your cards right.

several hours later you and Jensen stirred to the smell of Bacon and food variants. Waking up you both smiled and got up walking out of the bedroom and into the main room.

On the table was the rolled up newspaper, you un rolled it, that’s when you got up and backed against the wall. You were starting to break down.

Jensen: “YN what’s wrong?”

You only pointed to the newspaper on the table and started to cry. Jensen looked at the paper and would have fallen on the ground if the chair had not been there. That’s when Jared and Beth saw the paper.

Jared: “oh my God!”

Beth: “shit. Jensen get YN into the other room and make sure she has her phone she needs to call her boss now!”

Jensen gets to you and carries you to the bedroom, both of you sitting on the bed. He hands you your phone with which you hold before it rings. Jensen takes your phone and answers it:

Jensen: “hello."

Talia: "is YN there? I saw something on the tabloids and… Wait a minute are you Jensen?”

Jensen: “yes thats me… i wish i was meeting the woman who YN says is the best boss in the universe under better circumstances. she and i both saw the paper, she is in shock… she is unresponsive im afraid…”

Talia: “can you put me on speaker so she can hear what i have to say…”

Jensen puts you on speaker.

talia: “YN i know you are on the verge of a breakdown but i just spoke to the LA times and they are using it as blackmail against you. they want you to drop your claim on covering the wedding of Misha Collins and if you dont they will keep following you and Jensen and spreading more and more destruction to your name. i can not even stress how this looks, i hope this works out im also negociating with the director of the LA times on your behalf. you both cannot afford to be seen in public together before the wedding. so take great care and be careful.”

YN: “talia please be smart when negociating with these LA Times Snakes. and please keep us informed as to what you find. and tell them i will not renounce my claim on this story, i will not be bullied into something as petty as blackmail for finding someone special and sitting down to have lunch with them but thank you for talking to them...”

Talia: “your welcome. talk to you soon.”

the call disconnects leaving both you and Jensen in the bedroom. this was to be your downfall. you could not handle being the center of attention especially now knowing that it was blackmail.

YN: “im so sorry about this Jensen. if not for me you would never have gotten involved with this stupid News paper company. the la times has been after me for years. since my first time covering weddings here in LA i have been at war with the LA times. and this is the last straw. they have finally played their dirty card. fine i guess it will have to be most upsetting to them when they learn why im the best at writing wedding articles which they are about to learn this lesson the hard way.”

Jensen: “let me call Misha so we can figure this out…”

Jensen pulls out his phone and hits dial on Misha’s number… once Misha answers the following conversation takes place:

Misha: “ah its my best man…”

Jensen: “have you seen the la times today good buddy?”

Misha yells to be handed the paper and gasps as soon as he sees it…

Misha: “thats the girl whose supposed to be covering the wedding. shoot me a text on where you guys are. ill find a way to come to you… or i can meet you wherever whenever i just need to know more.”

Jensen: "drive your self for this one Misha cause no one can be trusted, the LA times is blackmailing YN we are currently on lockdown in the Ayres Hotel Manhattan Beach LAX. Pull to the underground parkade entrance, wait for jared he will meet you down there and he will drive you into the parkade and park the car in our room spot. He will then bring you up to the room where we are."

Your only concern was that your feelings were growing stronger, neither of you were fully aware yet of the others affections for the other.

You and Jensen spent the next few days away from public eye, before the wedding hanging out binging supernatural with Jared and Beth as well as playing monopoly.

Oh that was how you all showed your awful sides. Of course Jensen was sweet at times during the game but not always. Then it was the night before the wedding, this was to be the night that you would supposed to present your feelings out loud to Jensen.

you and Beth were getting ready to leave, Beth making sure that she had everything for the both of you to have an amazing evening as well as get the article done and the photos and everything else.

Beth: “are you sure you should still go and cover the wedding...”

YN: “im not gonna let these LA snakes get away with blackmailing me i need to do this... i need to prove that i cant be scared so easily. plus if i dont go tonight i wont probably get another chance to tell Jensen how i truly feel. now do you have everything?”

Beth: “yes i have the bags, the camera, the spare camera, and everything else that i think we will possibly need for tonight. dont worry girl, jensen misha Jared and everyone else will be there to safe guard you from the horrible snakes. now lets go. Jared is downstairs with Jensen in the car.”

You both head down the elevator and smile alot, the dresses you both now wore flowing with each graceful step you both took.

The car became into view, Jensen and Jared were waiting to help you both into the vhicle...

Jensen: “my god you girls look fantastic. YN lets kick some reporter ass...”

YN: “exactly. now lets go this...”

Beth and Jared look at the way you and Jensen are with eachother and come up with a brilliant idea...

beth: “fake it... guys you already act like a couple so take it a step further fake date fake being a couple at the wedding only a few of us will know the truth but the others will have no idea that its fake. the fact that the times already thinks you a couple, so why not trick them into thinking they were right.”

you and Jensen agreed, for the sake of your sanity and your job you had to sell this fake reality of you and Jensen as a couple, also it might be the easiest way to confess your feelings to Jensen...

jensen: “im game, if it means getting those la snakes to back the fuck off..”

YN: “absolutely. plus it will make one hell of a bonus article. and for once i would be in the news instead of reporting it... beth could write the article...”

Beth: “it would be an honor. how long till we arrive at the site of the wedding...”

Jared: “about 10 minutes.”

Jensen: “how bout when we walk up we pose some romanitic photos let them chew it all up, then when its right we tell them this rivalry is over... but kinda want to make sure tonight is as realistic as possible.”

YN: “but of course we will do what we can to make tonight real.”

the car stops and you look out the window...

YN: “i am so scared of this, but there is a massive part of me thats like this is gonna be the best end to the rivalry i could have ever asked for. now lets kick some la snake ass!”

Jensen opens the door and steps out first, Jared follows then Jensen holds his hand out to you which you graciously accept. the press begins to have a field day, they begin to snap photos and try to get quotes from both you and Jensen.

Jared and Beth are right behind you. all of you stopping every so often for photos but not talking to the press, that would be for later.

Jared and jensen led both you and Beth to the back where Misha and Victoria were Beth put her bag for you and her back there as the song started.

The people gathered in their seats. You guys filled Misha and vic in on the plan. the ceremony started, the music played Jared and Beth went down the aisle first, Beth stood on the brides side while jared stood on the grooms side.

Jared: “hey how do those LA snakes look?”

Beth takes a small glance at them...

Beth: “they are chattering amongst themselves. their photographer is also itching to take more phtoos of Jensen and YN... do you think this is gonna work?”

Jared: “as long as everyone else does their part, there will be victory for us this day!”

the processional continued with you and jensen coming down the aisle. the camera lights flashing many many times. you and Jensen split to your seperate sections as the song changed.

Misha came out first and stood to the left of jensen. then victoria came out a few moments later. her walk up the aisle turned many heads. you had set up 2 tri pods that were catching the photos on your press of a button.

this article on the wedding would be amazing! Your heart begins racing a thousand miles a minute, beth hiddenly puts her calming hand on the small of your back... there was a huge pit in your stomach, you didnt know why but there wasnt alot else to say about that.

Priest: “i now pronounce you husband and Wife. Misha you may now kiss your bride...”

you go into happy mode as the wedding ceremony finishes, misha and victoria exit the ceremony hall back to the starting room with you jensen jared and beth behind them.

Misha: "i cant believe that just happened. Jensen YN we are very impressed with how you both are pulling this off... “

YN: “thank you but i am very very shakey right now i need to breathe.”

Jensen watches as you go to the window and stand there... he then turns back to the others...

Jensen: “guys we need to divide and conquer... during the speeches tonight i will confess my love to YN, and when i do she will realize that my feelings are as real as hers... yes i know her feelings are real... i have been noticing the signs... tonight not only do we take down those LA snakes but i also confess something alot larger than any of us know.. the power of true love.”

Beth: “let me go see how YN is doing i have known her for well ever and she does well under most pressure but this is breaking point. she needs the right kind of comfort... we have been through many of these through the years of reporting and its always the LA snakes that set it off... now lets see if i can coax her out of the corner.”

Beth went over to you, she didn't want you to feel alone. But she wanted to make sure you were okay.

Beth: "you okay girl."

YN: "no the way those snakes were looking at me was nerve wrecking. I have never been the news in this way before. I am scared they can't be allowed to get my rep down the bad way."

Beth: "and you think this plan of yours is gonna work out for the best?"

YN: “it has to, i have to show the world that i am no one to be triffled with, i have to make them regret messing with me, i have to show the world that i am no longer the same mild reporter who started covering weddings all those years ago. i have to show the world who i belong too. Jensen is the one. he is the one that i want to spend the rest of my life with. i just hope that he feels it too.”

Beth gave you a side hug. this is your best friend, the one person who you can count on. pretty easily i may add. anyway, you and Beth walked back to the wedding party. 

Jensen: “ready to go mingle the press... eevryone know the plan?”

everyone nods, Jensen takes your hand followed by Beth and Jared walking out to greet the crowd. ignoring the press for now you all mingle with the different guests, the press just turn their noses, the tripods still doing their jobs, oh man was Beth gonna be surprised at all the amazing photos. also great for a photo album. 

YN: “just be prepared for anything. me and Beth went round and set up some tripods, controlled by the touch of a button, that Beth will have control of right now. i have 1 particular shot that i feel might get those snakes to reer their ugly mugs... just dont let me fall..”

Jensen: “im down, besides i would never let you fall.”

you, Jensen, beth and Jared all greeting guests and smiling photographers taking photos or at least trying to, but something kept making them blury. oh ya it was the extra flashes that you and Beth had installed. 

Jared stepped away from you all for a moment to go to the podium.

Jared: “thank you all for coming out, the wedding party myself included would like to thank you all in honor of the bride and Grooom for coming out to this momentus occasion. the bride and Groom will make their appearance again shortly but first things first every please find somewhere to sit, make yourselves comfortable. and ill be back up here shortly to introduce the wedding party including myself as sooon as i get the okay. now find your seat!”

while everyone made their ways to their seats, you Jensen and Beth were waiting by the wedding party  entrance.Jared came back and smiled standing by Beth. 

Beth: “how did those snakes look?”

Jared: “they looked positively pissed that they havent gotten any good shots of YN and Jensen. something about the flashes or something like that. i have no idea. honestly im gonna be happy if this plan works. so when it comes time for the speeches, obviously Misha and Vic will go last, jensen and YN will go second ill go up with Beth first... once everyone is seated that is...”

looking at all the people now fully seated there were so many feelings swirling inside you. but about 99.9% of those feelings were nerves, the nerves of what was about to happen. 

Jensen: “your gonna do amazing, just keep calm and know im not gonna let you fall. do not let these snakes get the better of you.”

YN: “i know. i just hope they don’t come out of this trapsing my name more through the mud and flushing my career further down the toilet. i cant begin to describe how i am feeling at the moment, i just want you to know that whatever happens out there, whatever is said, i want you to know that everything is the truth.”

Jensen smiled as Jared and Beth walked up to the podium as jared began to speak once more.

Jared: “whats good guys! i am Jared Padalecki groomsman to the groom, this lovely lady beside me is Beth Larsen bridesmaid to the bride. now the maid of honor and the best man are yet to appear but before they do let me introduce us a little bit. so i have known Misha for well several years now, our friendship became instant. when Misha got engaged both me and Jensen the best man, immediately threw him a bunch of parties, all 4 of us jumping immediately into wedding planning. we had our own ideals, we had alot of fun planning and putting all thought and soul into this special day. this is a day of memories, this is a momentous occassin that i am sure will go down in history as a wonderful wedding for the ages. now i am proud to introduce the wonderful Best Man and the even more lovely maid of honor, please put your hands together for Jensen and YN!”

the crowd went nuts, the photographers took photos and notes as you and Jensen walked up on stage together. standing at the podium side by side jensen speaks first. 

Jensen: “thanks Jared for that awesome introduction. whats up Los Angelos!!! i am Jensen Ackles, the best man and Misha’s other best friend. when i heard Misha was getting married i was eccstatic. he was achieving the thing i want most in this world. is to be happy, to love and be loved in return. and in my own way i think ive found it.”

YN: “hey everyone, most of you reporters know me but for those that need a name to the face, my name is YN. my life is not always this glamorous. i cover weddings for a living. since this year began i have been on vacation met some new friends and happily i can announce that i think i’ve fallen in love. for these last few years i have been persecuted by one particular news group the LA times are blackmailing me, but i am here to tell you that i have to confess that this entire trip to LA has been mostly spent locked away in my hotel room. i had friends surrounding me, but you LA snakes do not scare me but you need to be scared of me. for everything that you guys are doing right now is being recorded, photos are being captured the credit for the article that will cover this wedding for my news paper forum goes to my best friend beth larsen. she has gotten every single moment and i hope she catches this one too.”

thats when you turn to jensen and smile as you hold both his hands in your own before continuing to speak.

YN: “7 and a half months ago, jensen walked into my life. literally. but our story was not too end there, what started out as embarrassing now comes round full circle. i know that this life isnt easy, and this is definately gonna drag my name through every single news board in the world. but Jensen i love you! its time i stop trying to fool myself by denying my feelings and just come out and say it. this is really sudden but will you consider coming back home with me and Beth once we are done here?”

Jensen looked at you like you were a completely different person, someone he knew but didnt know. someone who he knew he was meant to be with for eternity to come.

Jensen: “well as my flight is with Jared and seeing as though he seems pretty cozy with beth im gonna say yes i would be honored to come back home with you. YN i love you too. i just didnt know if you felt the same way. now as sure as i am standing here i know you are the one i want by my side always and forever.”

thats when he spun you round and kissed you, the passion bringing camera flashes from all across the room. the rest of the party reception thing was a blurr, the one thing that you and Jensen remmebered was the confessions you both had made. that was something neither of you would forget anytime soon. 

~to be continued~

[thefandomsurfer]

My top 20 favorite Tokyo Ghoul characters

I usually only do top 10s but like...I love so many characters in Tokyo Ghoul it was really hard for me to do?? So I did more. Also DO NOT GET offended. Even my honorable mentions are very...very dear to me. (Also the places are just how mush I, myself, enjoyed the character not how great the character is or that your opinion isnt valid. And I skipped most of the Suzuya squad because they would probably dominate my top six or something and that wouldnt be fair haha )

Honerable mentions:

Hide:

Itori:

Arima:

Matsumae

Kimi

Nishiki:

Shirazu ginishi

THE ENTIRE SUZUYA SQUAD (Nakarai, Mikage, Mizurou, Hanbee.)

Now onto my list!

20.  Shuu Tsukiyama

I really didnt like him much at first. He made me uncomfortable and really annoyed. I mean, yeah, certain times I thought he was pretty funny but he made me more and more unnerved the longer I saw him. But then when I saw his nicer side and especially during seeing his loyalty and love for his family he started to grow on me. And now hes on this list!

19. Rize Kamishiro

Rize always was interesting to me. I wondered how she got to where she was, why she was so important in the ghoul world and just how she got to be so strong. Not to mention her characters personality made me very compiled to her. Then I got her backstory and understood her more. I liked her even more and began to respect her character. 

18. Renj Yomo

I always liked his ‘silent protector’ vibe even before finding out his backstory. I thought he was loyal and smart. And then it was revealed that he was the uncle to some very improtant characters and it made me love him even more. His backstory contributed to his gruffness and protective nature and not to mention his kagune is freaking AWESOME.

17. Ayato Kirishima

Hes grown into someone I really enjoy. I...really didnt like him. He hurt Touka and acted like an ass the whole time. Then I saw a softer side when it came to Hinami. He was so concerned and cared about her so much that it touched me a lot. And he was a little more calm and controlled compared to what he had been in the first series as well. He developed into someone who not only cared for his love interest but his family and those important to both of them as well.

16. Amon Koutarou

Amon, poor poor Amon. This guy has went through a whole lot during his time in the series. And hes accepted a lot as well. I always liked Amon even before everything like changed him. He seemed like a really cool guy who truly did what he thought was best. Then he learned what we the audience already knew. That ghouls weren’t as bad as everyone thought they were. And then fought for peace. And that coupled with how much he tried to help Seidou and loved Akira made be like and respect his character even more.

15. Kurona Yasuhisa

Another character I really liked from the beginning. See, I have a weakness for twins. I always loved the idea of one and think that no matter the relationship they are always interesting to watch in media. And her relationship with Nashiro, while not explored a whole lot, was still prominent and known. And her denial about her death and the form of insanity she went through because of it was both sad and entertaining to watch. The fact that she started to think about forgiving the person who killed her as well was...amazing. Over all I wish she was explored a bit more but am happy with what I got.  

14. Urie Kuki

Another character that I slowly learned to appreciate. He started out as someone who cared only for his own motives but after losing someone who he hadnt realized he cared for he begun to care for his team and mant to protect them as much as he can. Becoming someone worthy of their loyalty and love. Going as far as to save one of the ones who betrayed him and tried to kill him just to get them all together again and keep his promise to his dead friend.

13. Ui Koori

Im not sure what made me drawn to him? Maybe his relationship with Hairu or his sense of Justice? I dont know but I do know that I like seeing his appearances. His fights and thought process was always fun as well. Over all Im not sure why I like him all I know is that I really do haha 

12. Ken Kaneki

Okay I know, its basically illegal to have him so low on my list but honestly? I never really got that deep into his character? I mean he was sweet at first but then he was kind of boring? And I liked Haise a lot but really didnt like the reaper? The OEK one is cool and all but I still never got overly attached? I dont know. But I will say he is cool and I love how dedicated he is to his loved ones. And how honest he is about his flaws. Its really nice to see a protagonist that admires that he is selfish in certain ways and isnt always trying to do things for ‘the greater good’. And will do cruel and horrible things when push comes to shove. It makes him seem...a lot more human and tragic. Yet the fact he still had his happy ending made me happy for him. After the hell hes been through he deserves it.     

11. Seidou Tawkizawa

Seidou. He...certainly needs a little help. Poor guy was such a innocent kid before his whole life was turnt upsidedown. I’ll be honest...I thought he was kind of annoying at first and then very scary later on. But after seeing a bit of his side of how everything went down and how much he cared for Akira and Amon my liking for him skyrocketed and I couldn't wait to see him again in the next chapter. How he sees himself and his future...it just hit to close to home for me. And soon enough he became one of my favorite characters.

10. Haise sasaki

Ahh, my favorite of all the Nekis. I really, really liked him. How parental he was with his squad and his storyline always interested me. The amnesia thing has always been one of my favorite tropes. He, to me, was a perfect mix of Kuroneki and Shironeki. Having the lightheartedness and empathy of Kuroneki and having the toughness and ability to fight as Shironeki. I liked how goofy he could be (i.e dressing up as women) and all his little moments with Akira, Arima and Juuzou. But he was a dream, nothing meant to last, so he had to go. But that does NOT mean I didnt enjoy watching him the most.

9. Kanae

I just really like her. I think her backstory is sad but not overdoing it and her dedication to Tsukiyama was certainly something that drew me to her. At first I thought I’d hate her but found myself sorely mistaken. And I cried a whole lot at her death and the touching moment when Tsukiyama, the person she loved so much, called her by her real name and accepted her despite

 the fact she thought she never deserved anything even similar to perhaps she’d be even higher had she stayed longer but she left far to soon.

8. Eto Yoshimura

Eto is very interesting and fun to watch. Cruel and mean, yes, but also unpredictable! She never failed to make a impression on me everytime I saw a panel of her. I was always wondering ‘what will she do next?’ you know? I absolutly loved watching\reading her. Her backstory made me love her even more seeing as she had a bit of a struggle to get to were she is now.

7. Hairu Ihei.

Hairu is someone else I dont know why I like so much? We didnt see her much at all and what we did see of her was little. But something about her drew me in. She was cute and I didnt expect much from her but found out she was pretty strong. Also with how sweet and air headed she acted I already liked her a little, the strength was only a added bonus. I only wish we got to see more of her. 

6. Uta

Uta, someone who I already liked, only grew on me as time went on. I thought he was funny, unique and very good looking. And as time whent on, and seeing how twisted he could be, it only made be want to see what would happen next with him. Whose side he was really on. Things like that. But then his fight with Yomo made be see him in a more emotional light. Seeing how close he was to him and still was in in a way. It was sweet and only made me like him even more. 

5. Akira Mado 

Akira Mado. At first I never thought much of her. Just a sort of bland character who had lost her father. Nothing new, nothing interesting. But her relationship with Amon certainly made be feel a little closer to her and made be pity her at the end of the first manga. But then in Re: I grew a lot closer to her really quickly. Her character seemed more open to others and friendly. Her realtionship Haise especially made me like her a whole lot. Then all her confusion and journey forgiving and accepting ghouls made he so interested and caring of her character. How much she wanted to protect Seidou and the fact she still loved Amon-It just...Made he love her. So much. 

4. Saiko Yonebayashi

Saiko is a very funny individual that I didnt like much at first. I thought she was more or less dead weight and didnt understand why she was their to begin with. But the more we got to know her the more that I grew to love her development and character. Shes funny and kind but also strong and determined. I love her a whole lot. How determined she is to do what she thought was right and how much she cared for everyone in her squad despite her own initial unwillingness to try and work. All things I love about her. 

3.  Tooru Mutsuki

Now I know how much this character is hated...And I understand too. He did a lot of twisted and messed up things. Stayed on the bad side a long time, attacked Touka and his squad helped turn Kaneki into  a monster...But his backstory and the personality we were originally introduced to made me love him so...so much. It didnt matter much to me what he did because I knew why he did it and not to mention...Mutsukis one of the most interesting characters to analyze because of his mindset. Also the fact he tried to redeem himself and felt guilty about everything he did...It shows that he is trying to do better and he is. I just....really, really love Mutsuki.

2. Touka Kirishima

Touka is a very rough character, and I get that some people just dont like her, But I loved every second of her. The person with a rough outside slowly breaking out of their shell and becoming gentler as time goes on- its something I have a soft spot for. Loyal, selfless, strong and knows what she wants. A woman who is strong without being controlling or mary sue. I never got annoyed or bored of her and looked forward to seeing her every single time a new chapter was put out. And also her protectivness towards Kaneki, her child, Ayato, and Hinami made me love her all the more. Shes also got my favorite Kagune of the whole series-Yet another thing I love about this character.

1. Juuzou Suzuya

By FAR my absolute favorite character in Tokyo ghoul. Now dont get me wrong-Im well aware of his faults. And I know he wasnt on the good side for a while either, But even though these things are there, I love him anyway. Hes so interesting and his backstory was so heartbreaking. When I first saw him I was indeed mildly creeped out but it also made me curious. The more I saw of him the more I wanted to analyze and get to know his character more. And right when I thought I got to know him-The one person who saw him as a person and treated him as he should be treated was taken away. This caused Juuzou to experience his first emotional loss in a very long time. And he changed. I personally enjoy his more mature personality compared to his more bloodthirsty one but love both either way tbh. And hes also very adorable when he wants to be so thats always a plus.    

[one-night-story]

Echoes of You (Spike Spiegel)

A/N: The formatting on this is h e l l. But when nostalgia slaps you and says “Fall in love with Spike Spiegel again.” You do as it’s says. Thus this

Roman Holiday had changed who she was so many times she didn’t remember who she was when she started. She’d been a drug lord, a spy, an informant, a bounty, a runaway. But these days, with blue and purple hair and a coat large enough to hide a pistol, she settled on being a ghost among the streets, listening and picking up information as she went. She found herself on Mars, mourning friends and paying dues. She was going to have to disappear again soon. But first, she needed food, scissors, and some hair dye; though she was uncertain what color. She tried walking into a convenience store when she ran into someone.

“Sorry about that.” The guy said. From that one comment Roman almost got whiplash. That voice shouldn’t be talking to her. That voice should’ve been dead. If not from the first time, then definitely the second time. She looked up at him and sure enough it was him. Spike Spiegel in all his blue suited, disheveled glory. And he looked just as shocked to see her. “Ro-?” He didn’t get to finish her name because she took off, sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as she could. He of course went after her, he always would, and she scaled a building to get to the roof. She pulled her pistol and waited for him to catch up.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“Ro don’t do this.”

“Tell me! Stop playing cruel tricks and just tell me!” She yelled. It couldn’t be him, it shouldn’t be him.

“Roman, it’s really me.”

“Bullshit, you died.”

“I didn’t,”

“Then you died again.”

“I’ve had worse.” He said with his trademark lazy smile. Roman almost let up at that. He still knew her weak points.

“Gimme the word.” She said, lowering her gun but not putting it away. He furrowed his brows and then figured it out.

“Lily.” He said. Roman lowered her pistol entirely and put it away. Her flower of choice. Julia had roses, she had lilies. Her whole form softened, though she was far from the Roman he used to know. Spike took a step forward to see if she’d let him and sure enough, she didn’t move. “It’s good to see you Roman. Glad to know you’re still picking up information.” He said. Roman shrugged and sat down, still keeping her distance.

“Nothing better to do on this dirt rock. You know you threw the whole operation into chaos, right? There’s a power vacuum with at least seven people trying to fill it.” She said. Spike sat across from her, a little closer than she would’ve liked, but she allowed it. She chalked it up to some primal part of her brain still wanting to keep him as close as she could. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and stuck it in his mouth.

“What’s next for you then? Figure you’re not gonna stick around for that mess to sort itself out.” He said as he fished out a lighter and lit the cigarette. He took a drag and offered it to Roman. She took it and copied the movement. She never smoked unless she was with Spike. Again, she chalked it up to that primal part of her brain that was still 13 years old and hoped that she still stood a chance against a far prettier half-sister.

“I cut my hair, redye it and catch a flight out of here. I’m thinking Ganymede. Or the asteroids. Hell, I could go be a small fry in Tijuana.” She said.

“And what color will it be this time?” He asked. Roman’s mood was usually determined by her hair. She changed it with regimes, mood, the music she was listening to that month, and sometimes when she felt she had no control of anything. He watched as she thought over her answer.

“Red. Probably. Or pink. Julia always thought I’d look good with pink.” She said muttering the last part.

“You would.” He said. Roman tried to not flush to the color in question, but she never did take compliments well. “I remember she was constantly trying to push you out of the shadows.”

“I like the shadows. No one judges me there. I’m useful there.” Roman argued. Spike chuckled and took a drag from his cigarette. The motion was repeated when he passed it to her to take a drag.

“Maybe, but you have no reason to stay there. Unless you wanna start working for the police.” He said.

“I could be a bounty hunter.” She said with a shrug.

“Oh no, I don’t think I could have you competing for my dinner money too.” He said with his trademark smile. Roman laughed at his comment, a real laugh. Something she hadn’t done in a while. As she laughed, Spike watched her. Her face was lit up by the beginnings of sunset and neon. Her and Julia had no personality similarities, but sometimes they did have physical ones.

“I haven’t done that in forever.” She said when she finally calmed down. Spike smiled at her. She seemed lighter now, more at ease. It was like the laughter fit had locked her into a time machine and she had shed so many years of cynicism with ease. “What about you? What becomes of the great Spike Spiegel? Now newly undeceased again.” She asked. Spike thought it over. He wasn’t certain. He didn’t know if he could go back to the Bebop. But he didn’t know any other way of life. Maybe just him and Jet could strike out again. Maybe he needed to go forward. Maybe he needed to disappear.

“No idea. Maybe dye my hair and change planets.” He said. Roman rolled her eyes.

“Hey, don’t steal my one thing.” She said. Spike chuckled and actually gave her a genuine smile. They were silent for a minute, casually passing the cigarette between themselves. For a moment they felt like teenagers again, sharing cigarettes and sharing a moment of uncertainty. At least that’s how Roman always felt in moments like these. Until finally she broke the tension.

“Annie told me you came to see her.” She said as she looked down.

“Yeah. Thought I might finally kill him.”

“Ignored my bounty then.”

“Always did. Whenever it came up, no matter what the price, no matter what name you were under. I wouldn’t do that to you Roman.” He said. It felt like a whisper on the wind. Like if he said it any louder, he’d lose her like he lost Julia. Roman leaned into this, allowing one of her knees to knock into his. She needed this. She needed him. Outside of just that primal part that told her she was once 13 and crushing on the one person in the whole galaxy she couldn’t have.

“I look at you and I think… god what have we done with our lives? And what did it get us?” She said with what Spike could only describe as the truest form of sadness he’s ever seen from her. Roman Holiday kept all her cards close to her chest until one day, she’d die. But now? He felt like he was peering through a brick in her wall. “I loved my sister more than anything in this life. And I chose her happiness over mine, time and time again.” She scoffed and leaned back on her hands. “God I can’t believe I’m saying this.”

“What?” He asked. He wasn’t sure what was coming next, but curiosity killed him to know.

“A million years ago, she said to me “this one’s mine.” So, I stood by.” She said. “And I knew I shouldn’t do anything, I should just leave and pretend I never met you. But Julia,”

“She was too kind for that.” He said as his brain was slowly putting the pieces together. He had always wondered when they were kids, even before Roman became a shadow figure, why she always seemed to fall into that point, even when Julia brought her out, or when he tried to talk to her. But now he got it. She’d been hiding pain this whole time.

“I should go.” She said. She stood up and dusted herself off. Spike stood up as well and grabbed her wrist before she could go anywhere.

“Don’t disappear again.” He said. Roman looked down at her beat up shoes, trying to hide what had just come to pass.

“You can’t ask that of me.” She said.

“Ro, you’re all I’ve got left.”

“And who’s fault is that?” She snapped. Spike wanted to get offended. But he remembered an incident when they were younger, where he’d gotten too close and she’d snapped, and he retaliated. They didn’t speak for a month. Not until Julia forced them to, and not until after he’d brought her lilies. He sighed and plucked the nearly burnt out cigarette from his teeth and passed it to her. She took a drag and then stomped it out. She was still looking down at it when Spike brought her face to look up at him. Roman unintentionally leaned her cheek into his hand, blinking at him a couple of times.

“I won’t let this be the last time I see you Roman.” He said. Spike, at his core, was a deeply sentimental person. He couldn’t lose Roman. She reached up and brought his face to hers, giving him a small, soft and what Spike could only describe as a ghost of a kiss. Like she was afraid of what fully kissing him would mean. He kissed her cheek in turn, letting it sit there a little longer than either of them expected. When they separated, they put the distance back between them. Once again, afraid of what the closeness would do to them. She tossed him a comm unit she had pocketed off some guy and he caught it with ease.

“Call that ship of yours.”

“Wouldn’t that be going backward?” He asked.

“One step backward to go miles forward? I think it’s worth it. Call them Spiegel.” She said. Spike nodded.

“Remember, pink.” He said. Roman gave him a small, soft smile and nodded.

“See you Space Cowboy.” She said as she ran off the edge of the roof, scaling down the building to go buy some scissors, some food, and some pink hair dye.

[mirror-hero-mira-blog]

My Story

This will be mildly depressing but its my story and why i am how i am and all ive gone through it twenty short years

So I will be twenty soon and people keep wondering and asking or praising me for surviving trauma. I’ve decided to explain in full and un censored detail my process, what i went through, my thoughts during it, the effects and how it left me. There are mentions of abuse, sexual assault, depression, domestic violence, suicide, and very dark thoughts so be warned. My memory is also unreliable as i am never sure what is real and what is not before the age of thirteen so im doing my best to recall everything in order, ages wont be exact as i try to repress and just out right can recall them.

My trauma started roughly when i was 7-9. I recall laying in bed and hearing my parents violently shout at one another, about what i cant recall, and crying because i was afraid of an unknown danger. I remember a rift being made in my house, me being lashed out at, and my mother rarely being around the house. Now before i go further i was a shy child who had little friends, i have one younger brother who is two years younger than I, most of my days, or what i can recall, was in my room reading and later playing on my ds once i got one while rarely going outside to play aka catching frogs and bugs. i dont recall much from when it started, i was a smart kid so i think i knew something was wrong but wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to deal with it. 

Now, i was a big daddys girl but i also loved my mom dearly because well shes my mom. One of my clearest memories from this when i realized it wasnt right was my mom showing up to the house and me being so excited since i hadnt seen her in so long i let her in, she hugged me and my father instantly yelled at me and scolded me. i think the next thing was me being sent to my room but thats where it ends. i remember feeling so confused because shes my mom why cant she be home? why shouldnt she be allowed inside? why cant i be happy to see her? thats the last clear memory besides us getting kicked out of that house due to rent not getting paid.

I remember my mom trying to keep calm and smile and she told me “we have to keep stuff packed because we will be moving soon and need to be organized”. Looking back im really happy she tried to keep little me happy and from knowing.She may not have been the best mom but she certainly loved me then as well as my brother. When we were kicked out i recall my dad not being as in a rush as my mom, he seemed tired and to say flat out like he couldnt care less. I was packed up with a few of my things, the rest in a storage unit including my entire child hood, and moved to a different state. 

Me, my family and our dog were moved in with my mothers mom who was by far not the best but i couldnt do much as i was maybe 11-13? I remember her blaming my father for things he didnt do, i remember yelling and violent arguing between my father and my moms boyfriend (my mother and father had separated if you couldnt guess), my mom in the middle yelling at them to not do it infront of the kids. Eventually we moved from there after my grandmother had called the police on them for some reason (i recall it just being a warning or something nothing serious). My mom had broken up with her boyfriend and moved with us, i shared a room with her and my brother shared a room with my father, at this point we had our original dog and 3 dog sisters who we loved dearly (we being me, my mom, and brother). i remember starting to feel what i would come to realize was the beginning of my depression as well as my anxiety, that i had since i was little, beginning to get much worse. I was bullied harshly during this time and barely got by in most of my glasses because of what happened in that house.

i dont know how long i lived in that house but it wasnt incredibly long, 2 years maybe? i know it was half of middle school there with a year or so at my grandmothers. The first little while was calm, i hardly remember much from when we moved in so im assuming it was. I recall playing wii with my mom and watching tv siting of the floor eating pizza, followed by me and my brother playing the wii version of sims ( i recall him learning how to beat the rng and us never playing again). My next clearest memory is more yelling and banging. Violence. Now i wasnt a stupid kid and was much more brazen than i am now, i was a child genius who could quickly deduce what was wrong. I would get into the arguments, stand between my mom and dad to keep him from hitting her, yell that i wouldnt move or let him touch her. yell at him so much my throat hurt. One of my most clear memories is my mom yelling at me to call the police and as i dialed she came in and locked the door telling me to just not. i checked if she was okay and recall hugging her and just siting there afraid not fully being able to understand.

At some point my dad had enough of me and my mom and threw us out of the house, throwing our things as we sat on the bed of her truck, even throwing our two of the 3 dog sisters at us while we waited for the police, now what happened after this makes me realize just how manipulated and emotionally abused i was. My dad convinced me to come home, leaving my mom at my grandmothers. he convinced me my mom was evil and manipulated me using the state i was in to take me from my mom. he talked badly about my mom constantly and eventually his girlfriend moved in. his girlfriend was as bad as him and i recall feeling unwanted. i have a scar on my arm that makes me recall how brazen and unafraid i was at times. The scar was breaking up a fight her dog had started, it attacked my dog sister and she told me to stay out of it as my dog probably started it, i got in the middle picked up her dog, it scratching me deeply across my upper arm and shoved it into her chest. i picked up my dog and took her to my room. i was still bullied during this time, faced the manipulation at home, and started becoming suicidal.

Now this next part is something im not proud of but shows just how far i was into this manipulation and how far i came. My father kid napped me. Him and his girlfriend decided they wanted to move back to her two daughters and away from my mom. my brother was apprehensive but i was a mindless puppet so i did as told as thats what i was raised to do. we packed up in a 48 hour period, me not sleeping for that entire period and were getting ready to leave. i had this large white monkey i had since i was little, it towered over me and i loved it, his name was marvin. i mentioned why we werent bringing him and that we had to because he was our family and even got a bit teary eyed over it my dad said “if you want it that bad we can leave you and dakota (my dog sister) and you can sit on your ass until your mom swings her ass around to get you”, that terrified me so i reluctantly agreed and was taken to a completely different state yet again with the question of “why would he leave me”. i recall not enjoying my time there and my father limiting my mom talking to me so much i dont really recall much more that a phone call, i was kept out of school for a while until one day police came and told them my mom was taking us back. i left with barely any of my childhood possessions yet again with my dad treating it as her taking us by force, i said goodbye to my dogs and promised i would see them again, i never did and never will.

the trip back i screamed, argued and fought my mom and not yet step father. my dad manipulated me well i guess. i calmed down when we got back to my now home state and got the last dog sister ginny, my mom asked my grandmother to watch her, and headed to my moms home. i had trouble suddenly adapting to a some what better environment where i wasnt treated like a mindless child. i was so damaged and i dont think they knew to the extent. 

In these years i was verbally abused by my mom, step father, and brother but they were so much better than my dad despite it. i was reaching my peak depression and had attempted to commit suicide by this point but had failed. at some point i recall them “cleaning” my room, as due to losing nearly everything i owned i clung to things, and burning what they deemed trash it made me have a break down because well just look at what had happened previously to things i owned. in that period i was locked out in the cold, verbally and emotionally abused, treated like i was a piece of shit and that i was worthless and i believed that for so long. my brother had hit me a few times and even started encouraging my suicidal mind set, my parents (which will not be my mother and step father) said it was just him being my brother. Due to my previous trauma i was desperate for friends and to be liked and it have social interactions it led me into some very very toxic friendships and relationships. i had someone who stole my phone and said she just wanted to see what my number was, but had texted my mother iw as stay for a study session when i wasnt. i got home and was brutally yelled at for lying and they yelled the entire time while forcing me to give them all my passwords then calling me out for lying when i gave them the wrong email password by mistake. in the following time period they would check everything i owned, i had to privacy or sense of self. even to this day i hate people touching and looking at my stuff, im still so paranoid ill get in trouble for something. during this time is also when i was first sexually assaulted.

Yes that said first as it happened twice. they both abused my prior trauma that made me a selective mute that disassociates when in stressful situations. i wont go in depth but even years later i couldnt be in the same room with the first without being sick to my stomach. the second was into my junior year of highschool. between that time and the first i was emotionally manipulated, attempted suicide again and failed, became even more depressed and suicidal, and developed more toxic friendships that i now realize only hurt me as they playfully bullied me and only one of that group, who never did, remains my friend or well my best friend as she stayed by me despite not knowing any of my past. i was manipulated into entering a long distance fwb relationship that ruined a good friendship but also helped make me more stubborn towards people who tried to do that. the verbal abuse still happened during this time and my brother got to the point of doing it the worse. my junior sexual assault ended with us breaking up mutually but him getting such a hate towards me that he tried to ruin my life by turning any “friend” against me and brutally harassing me until a girl i respect so much stood up for me, shes getting married and im excited for her and happy i met her despite us not talking. half way through my junior year i began to realize how bad the people i was around most of the time were for me, so i stopped hangin out with them and started selectively being around people who engaged me in conversation and who actually included me. i was still struggling through the tail end of my suicidal spell and my awful depression as well as  ptsd, having nightly flashbacks that often left my crying and having break downs where i just hated myself so much and hated that i couldnt be normal and happy and not annoy my friends with this shit, it caused me to never talk about it and it made it so worse going through it all alone with only my fucked mental state.

my senior year i gained some self confidence and started accepting myself. midway through i had a bad relapse and nearly succeed in killing myself but managed to yell at myself to not as i was holding a handful of pills to my mouth, not even an inch from it. that was my last attempt. 

i struggled still, had relapses, fought with my own head without anyone knowing as it told me they didnt care and i was a burden so i should deal with it by myself as no one deserved that. i hated when who i told felt so bad for me and wished it hadnt happened because it happened and i cant change that no one can and i dont like being seen as sorry and weak. 

over the years until now i tried endlessly and hard to build my self back up and gain some sense of self and try to begin my recovery.

i still relapse, i still think about killing myself, i still have massive anxiety and panic attacks. but im alive and i survived. 

I count the days between relapses, it happens left often. Im covered in scars but no one can see the ones i purposefully caused anymore. I hurt and ach and want to be cared for and want to be loved and have people around me who care for me and who value me. Im working on building myself a supportive circle of friends and trying to become as stable as i can be with what i have.

My family says i dont need therapy and refuse to try to help me get it so when i move out its my first priority, i have ever lasting mental scars from my trauma that wont ever go away but im slowly learning to live with it and becoming proud of who i am.

something i forgot to mention is yes i was hit as a child. to this day i freak out and panic and will throw myself to the ground if it appears someone is about to hit me. i cant hand yelling or loud noises, im afraid of people and crowds, i have trust issues, i speech impediment, things i cant do because of the scars of my trauma.

now you may be asking how im alive? why i still keep living? how i got through this alone? honestly i cant answer the last one because i dont even know, but the first two i can roughly explain.

i didnt ever kill my self because right before i would i developed a concept of proving people wrong, that i belonged in this world as i had already survived nearly dying at 5 due to an allergic reaction. then as i got older i made the deal that if i made it to 18 that would be enough, im turning 20 soon. Now a days i have people and things to live for. When i think of killing my self i think of my friends L and M (not real names of course), i think of my dogs, my guinea pigs, my dreams, my goals, all the things i want to do. Ive become a role model to others now so i cant just die on them and give up on them. I cant help people and help others going through what i did, i cant be there for the people i care about to ensure they live and make it too, i cant be there to give them what i didnt have; someone who cared and loves them.

ive felt unloved my entire life and it hurts knowing the people who are supposed to love you apparently dont if they do what they do. it hurts seeing people going through what i went through because i know how much that hurts and how over bearing it can be. My trauma made me not want to make the same choices and hurt others in the way they ones who hurt me did. It made me not want to bring life into this world unless i was sure i wouldnt make the same mistakes. It made me crave to be loved and have people by my side and it gave me a weird but reasonable goal: Live a life i can be truly happy and safe in, a life without fear. 

i still struggle daily but im getting by and im getting there, im trying to become someone who i can be proud of, someone who can and will make a difference even if its saving one person.

i fight every day to live and have been for a while, hell i cried on my 18th birthday because well i didnt think i would last that long or be alive to see it.

Im alive, and i will continue to be to show others facing and feeling what i have felt that you can do it. you can live and thrive and fight for your life and end up better than you are or were and better than those who hurt you. Ill stay alive to act as a pair of open arms to those who are in my place, to give them someone who cares, to teach them they dont have to do it alone or hate themselves for wanting to depend on others. 

Im here because i feel i need to be to break the cycle and prove i deserve to live as do they and as do you.

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

[somniiari]

Days is my favorite Kingdom Hearts game but I haven’t played it in a while and I don’t think I ever watched the movie version all the way through! So I watched it and liveblogged it.

I basically have the Saix’s monologue in the beginning memorized

Axel has said “got it memorized” at least 6 times within the first 10 minutes of this movie

Hayner, Pence and Olette run past these literal cult members without even looking

7! 7 times Axel please!!

Quinton Flynn’s delivery seems pretty weird and flat now, which is weird cause I know he can do really well. maybe it was intentional, cause Axel hasn’t started developing a heart yet?

I forgot that my pronunciation of Xion is technically wrong

Footsteps in The Castle That Never Was sound so strange. like they’re walking on metal suction cups.

Axel: Wait did you want me dead? Saix: ... *walks away*

Ah yes Xion’s creepy hood thing that I thought was a glitch until later in the game

What was Organization XIII doing in the 10 years before a Keyblade weilder was available to them?? I’m sure they had plenty of scheming and experiments and mischief but 10 years worth?

THEY LEFT OUT THE BEST PART

THEY DIDNT ANIMATE IT

“ROXAS THAT’S A STICK” I NEEDED IT

“As long as we keep each other in our thoughts, we’ll never be apart!” yall forget each other

8 times

Axel is so bitter about/to Saix oh my god tone down your salt man

The Chamber of Repose and the Chamber of Waking. I don’t remember which is which but one houses Aqua’s armor and the other is Ven’s body, right? So one’s in TCTNW and the other is in Castle Oblivion.

It just clarified, Chamber of Waking is Ven, and in Oblivion

Can Saix and Axel’s objectives  really be a secret from Xemnas? Saix is norted after all, and even though he has most of a free will at the moment, he’s still possessed.

IT STARTED PLAYING THE OLYMPIUS COLISEUM MUSIC AND I HAD BAD FLASHBACKS

“[the memories of my past] have never done me any good” because they instilled loyalty to a norted jerk?

“i can deal with 7 days maybe” well just break my heart roxas why dontcha

Axel spends his rare days off sleeping #relatable 

9 times

“try not to bungle everything-” WHAT KIND OF WORD IS BUNGLE

ARE YOU GONNA ASK THEM NOT TO RUSTLE ANYONE’S JIMMIES TOO AXEL?

“you’ve changed” i can vividly remember Axel saying “i’m not the one who changed, you did” in response to that, but its not in the movie. maybe it was actually a journal entry?

“why are you dressed like one of us?” Xion, honey, your uniform is the most well known form of protection against dark corruption of the heart

Of course Organization XIII has no way of knowing that, bc they were deliberately lied to

This is the scene that made me hate Riku. Watching it again after i’ve fallen in love with him is quite the trip

“You’re the real sham!” “Fair enough” Riku bby no your self-hatred is showing

*Xion screams* BBY NO

“’Special?’ Isn’t that another way of saying I’m a mistake?” XION BBY NO but also #same

“According to Axel, girls are complicated and there are buttons to avoid pressing” ah yes, i forgot this part. don’t worry Roxas, she’s just upset because she’s a girl and girls are weird, she’s not having an existential crisis or anything! 

“Roxas ate alone after missions.” where’s Axel though??

the love conversation may have been a great thing to animate but that’s fine square, just tell us about it

And so Axel’s lies begin. He was just trying to give Roxas hope, I can’t wait to remember how this all got twisted and horrible.

Did we fight the Zipslasher in this time skip? I think we did. I hated the Zipslasher gdi

Axel bridal carrying Xion is what got me started shipping AkuXi. Don’t ship it anymore though, really. Maybe in AUs when they’re closer to the same age

Saix: “Did it break again?” Me: XION’S NOT AN IT

Roxas: “Xion’s not an it!” oh yeah thanks Rox

“does the past mean nothing to you” Saix you’re the one being an ass

10 times

omg please tell me he does it 13 or 14 times

Almost all the books in the Organization library look the same; plain white binding. y’know, cause aesthetic.

Flying in Neverland would have been a nice animation too but whatever

This is why you dont hang out in high places kids!

the scene with Axel and Xion in Castle Oblivion is one of my favorites

Story time: Axel’s explanation of the sunset helped me pass an earth science quiz, cause i was out sick when we learned about light but i was playing days while in bed

THE MINDSCREW DREAM

i still have no idea what it means!! or even who was having it!

Neither Xion nor Roxas knew Zexion that well, and that seemed like Riku’s memories, not Sora’s! so WHY

aw i was too angry as a child to realize that Riku was looking for a way to save them

what has Saix done that make you think he has any mercy Roxas

Xion, Axel probably wasn’t gonna fight you if you hadnt attacked him, the first chakram was a warning not to stab Roxas

“i’ll bring her somewhere safe” thats all you had to say Axel

So Xemnas did call him Sora. Way back when I thought he may have said Ventus.

now you screwed up Axel

DiZ is the worst

"i know you’re not just a puppet.” ;~;

11 times

“I saw a boy today who looked just like Roxas” i thought she meant Sora but Xigbar was spying so was it Ven? I mean it should be Sora but....

Also, Xigbar spying!

“nor become the person we see” not everyone sees Xion as anything though, not even at this point. What do you see, Xemnas?

just kidding i’m pretty sure its Ven

why wouldnt you want two Sora capable people?

like tbh if you spent your time balancing Xion and Roxas’s powers instead of pitting them against each other they would have both stayed in the Organization at least a little while longer

the older i get the more i relate to Xion, bc i too am afraid that i will wreck everything

“do you hate me for taking your friend away from you?” “nah. i guess i’m just sad.” ;~;

now i see why people ship RikuXi

i can dig it now that i love them both, still a little weird to me though, i gotta warm up to it

Riku is projecting, i never realized

“you have to do what’s best for everybody” cause so does he, even at the expense of his own life

and he doesn’t want to have to tell Xion that, but he does, and maybe he can do it to someday

that illusion would have been a nice thing to animate, especially since i forgot it happened holy crap

leave it to Axel to do his best to save the day

Give me Lea sadly turning in the WINNER stick in KH3

or even better, give me Lea cheerfully turning in the WINNER stick with Roxas, Xion and Isa at the end of KH3

Xion said it this time but i’m gonna count it, 12

im super mad about the fixation on memories making everything okay in the end because EVERYONE FORGETS AND I HURT

I KNOW ITS ON PURPOSE BUT PLEASE

what is Diz’s purpose, just to order these kids around? he’s a huge jerk, why do you listen to him

he’s telling you to murder people

i mean they need to die i guess but wouldn’t both of you feel better if you came to that conclusion yourselves instead of this asshole telling you you gotta

though they are both kids and i guess there’s a comfort in an adult getting a final say

still DiZ is bad news and i don’t like him mistreating all the young’ins

Axel’s dancing between the truth, trying to be gentle and trying not to care too much resulted in literally the worst explanation ever no wonder Roxas got pissed

Why was Riku just chilling outside Beast’s Castle and how did Xion end up in just the right place to portal in front of him

i don’t REMEMBER XALDIN’S VOICE BEING THAT ODD

also #rude Xemnas, Xion is a she!

good to know most of the Organization thought of her has a person though. or a Nobody at least. an equal.

Were there more than 2 Replicas? oooooh that could be a good plot twist

Xemnas was insistent on calling her an “it” but uses “she” again when giving Axel the task of getting her back, a dialogue inconsistency or a deliberate manipulation?

There’s an implication that Demyx and Xion talked a lot thats adorable

At least now we know why they were insistent on having 13 people even before they had 13 Nobodies

Axel walks away from conversations almost as much as Vax’ildan

Roxas: “Could it be that you knew for a long time, and never told me anything?” Axel: I walk away

I still don’t get why Riku transforms without the blindfold, and how “his eyes couldn’t lie” is a valid explanation

Riku was projecting, he thinks he has to die

13 maybe? Roxas said it, but also accusing Axel of not memorizing it

Axel told Xion the truth and she left. Axel kept the truth from Roxas and he left.

That sucks.

~cause i’m leaaaaaavin, never to come back again~

“you’re Kairi as Sora remembers her” come on you can’t tell her she became her own person before she dies?

Namine is being kind in general though

I ship it

“i know. i’m ready” ;~;

they’re solving the problem themselves and DiZ walks in pissed that they’re doing what he asked. Almost like a real parent!

MY FAV SCENE IN THE WHOLE GAME

THE VOICE ACTING

THE BODY LANGUAGE

YOU CAN HEAR MY HEART BEING RIPPED OUT

you can also almost hear Axel’s abandonment issues developing even further!

this day is just titled “Tears”. Accurate

I just realized Xion was trying to get Axel to kill her first

but he couldn’t do it

she got Roxas to do it instead

Memories of Xion going static and fading are the WORST

Roxas did break Riku’s arm or something

yes hello i look eerily like your boss now

I wonder if Axel/Lea ever looks back on his conversations with Roxas and notices a hole. An awkward silence where he and Roxas are just listening to nothing. Laughter after a beat of quiet. Looking at something that isn’t there.

literally why is everyone just okay with DiZ he’s a total jerk

in II DiZ acts like he figures out that Ansem is actually Riku. Here he doesn’t question that Riku is 2 heads taller and his voice is 2 octaves deeper.

The rooms in KH are so nice

Well there it is. the end.

WAIT

“Got it memorized” and close variations were said a total of 13 times in this movie

11 by Axel, once by Xion, and once by Roxas, as a denial.

I’m so mad

[trendingnewsb]

Aisling Bea: My fathers death has given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness

The comedians father killed himself when she was three. She was plagued by the fact he made no mention of her or her sister in the letter he left. Then, 30 years after his death, a box arrived

My father died when I was three years old and my sister was three months. For years, we thought he had died of some sort of back injury a story that we had never really investigated because we were just too busy with the Spice Girls and which one we were (I was a Geri/Mel B mix FYI). Then, on the 10th anniversary of his death, my mother sat us down and explained the concept of suicide. Sure, we knew about suicide. At 13, I had already known of too many young men from our town who had taken their own lives. Spoken about as inexplicable sadnesses for the families, spoken about but never really talked about terrible tragedy nobody knows why he did it. What we had not known until that day, was that our father had, 10 years beforehand, also taken his own life.

When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told how he adored me, how I was funny, just like him. Because of our lovely Catholic upbringing, I secretly assumed that he would eventually come back, like our good friend Jesus.

My mother, being the wonder woman that she is, never held his death against him. When she looked into his coffin, she felt she saw the face of the man she had married: his stress lines had gone, he seemed free of the sadness that had been dogging him of late. But it was still tough for her to talk about. She didnt want to have to explain to a stranger in the middle of a party how he was not defined by his ending, but how loved he was, how cherished the charismatic, handsome vet in a small town had been. She didnt want his whole person being judged.

Once she had told us, I did not want to talk about him. Ever again. I now hated him. He had not been taken from us, he had left. His suicide felt like the opposite of parenting. Abandonment. Selfishness. Taking us for granted.

I didnt care that he had not been in his right mind, because if I had been important enough to him I would have put him back into his right mind before he did it. I didnt care that he had been in chronic pain and that men in Ireland dont talk about their feelings, so instead die of sadness. I didnt want him at peace. I wanted him struggling, but alive, so he could meet my boyfriends and give them a hard time, like in American movies. I wanted him to come to pick me up from discos, so my mother didnt have to go out alone in her pyjamas at night to get me.

I look like him. For all of my teens and early 20s, I smothered my face in fake tan and bleached my hair blond so that elderly relatives would stop looking at me like I was the ghost of Christmas past whenever I did something funny. You look so like your father, they would say. And as much as people might think a teenage girl wants to be told that she looks like a dead man, she doesnt.

Aisling Bea with her father. Photograph: Aisling Bea

And then there was the letter.

My mother gave us the letter to read the day she told us, but, in it, he didnt mention my sister or me.

I had not been adored. He had forgotten we existed. I didnt believe it at first. When I was 15, I took the letter out of my mothers Filofax and used the photocopying machine at my summer job to make a copy so I could really examine it. Like a CSI detective, I stared at it, desperate to see if there had been a trace of the start of an A anywhere.

I would often fantasise that, if I ever killed myself, I would write a letter to every single person I had ever met, explaining why I was doing it. Every. Single. Person. Right down to the lad I struck up a conversation with once in a chip shop and the girl I met at summer camp when I was 12. No one would be left thinking: Why? I would be very non-selfish about it. When Facebook came in, I thought: Well, this will save me a fortune on stamps.

Sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I was convinced that he had left a secret note for me somewhere. Maybe, on my 16th no, 18th no, 21st no, 30th birthday, a letter would arrive, like in Back to the Future. Aisling, I wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I was secretly a spy. That is why I did it. I love you. I love your sister, too. PS Heaven is real, your philosophy essay is wrong and I am totally still watching over you. Stop shoplifting.

This summer was the 30th anniversary of his death. In that time, a few things have happened that have radically changed how I feel.

Three years ago, Robin Williams took his own life. He was my comedy hero, my TV dad he had always reminded my mother of my father and his death spurred me to finally start opening up. I had always found it so hard to talk about. I think I had been afraid that if I ever did, my soul would fall out of my mouth and I would never get it back in again.

Last year, I watched Grayson Perrys documentary All Man. It featured a woman whose son had ended his life. She thought that he probably hadnt wanted to die for ever, just on that day, when he had been in so much pain. A lightbulb moment it had never occurred to me that maybe suicide had seemed like the best option in that hour. In my head, my father had taken a clear decision, as my parent, to opt out for ever.

My father had always seemed like an adult making adult decisions, but I suddenly found myself at almost his age, still feeling like a giant child. I looked at some of my male friends gorgeous idiots doing their gorgeous, idiotic best to bring up little daughters, just like he would have been.

Finally, just after my 30th birthday, a box turned up.

The miserable people he had worked for had found a box of his things filed away and rang my mother (30 years later) wondering whether she wanted them or whether they should just throw them in the bin.

She waited for us to fly home and we opened it together three little women staring into an almost-abandoned cardboard box.

Now, most of the box was horse ultrasounds which, Ill be honest, I am not into. But there was also his handwriting around the edges and, then, underneath the horse X-rays and files, there were the photographs.

Any child who has lost a parent probably knows every single photograph in existence of that parent. I had pored over them all, trying to put together the person he might have been.

The photos in the box had been collected from his desk after he had died. We had never seen them before. They were nearly all of me. He had had all of these photos stuck on his desk. I was probably the last thing he looked at before he died.

My fathers death has given me a lot. It has given me a lifelong love of women, of their grittiness and hardness traits that we are not supposed to value as feminine. It has also given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness traits that we do not foster as masculine or allow ourselves to associate with masculinity.

To Daddy, here is my note to you:

Im sad you killed yourself, because I really think that, if you could see the life you left behind, you would regret it. You didnt get to see the Berlin wall fall or Ireland qualify for Italia 90. You didnt get to see all the encyclopedias that you bought for us to one day use at university get squashed into a CD and subsequently the internet. You have never got to hear your younger daughters voice it annoys me sometimes, but it has also said some of the most amazing things when drunk. I think you would have been proud to watch your daughter do standup at the O2 and sad to see my mother watching it on her own. Then again, if you hadnt died, I probably wouldnt have been mad enough to become a clown for a living. I am your daughter and I am really fucking funny, just like you. But, unlike you, Im going to stop being it for five minutes and write our story in the hope that it may help someone who didnt get to have a box turn up, or who may not feel in their right mind right now and needs a reminder to find hope. Aisling

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org

Read more: http://ift.tt/2hEbtos

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2iq7Wui via Viral News HQ

[shg11]

The comedians father killed himself when she was three. She was plagued by the fact he made no mention of her or her sister in the letter he left. Then, 30 years after his death, a box arrived

My father died when I was three years old and my sister was three months. For years, we thought he had died of some sort of back injury a story that we had never really investigated because we were just too busy with the Spice Girls and which one we were (I was a Geri/Mel B mix FYI). Then, on the 10th anniversary of his death, my mother sat us down and explained the concept of suicide. Sure, we knew about suicide. At 13, I had already known of too many young men from our town who had taken their own lives. Spoken about as inexplicable sadnesses for the families, spoken about but never really talked about terrible tragedy nobody knows why he did it. What we had not known until that day, was that our father had, 10 years beforehand, also taken his own life.

When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told how he adored me, how I was funny, just like him. Because of our lovely Catholic upbringing, I secretly assumed that he would eventually come back, like our good friend Jesus.

My mother, being the wonder woman that she is, never held his death against him. When she looked into his coffin, she felt she saw the face of the man she had married: his stress lines had gone, he seemed free of the sadness that had been dogging him of late. But it was still tough for her to talk about. She didnt want to have to explain to a stranger in the middle of a party how he was not defined by his ending, but how loved he was, how cherished the charismatic, handsome vet in a small town had been. She didnt want his whole person being judged.

Once she had told us, I did not want to talk about him. Ever again. I now hated him. He had not been taken from us, he had left. His suicide felt like the opposite of parenting. Abandonment. Selfishness. Taking us for granted.

I didnt care that he had not been in his right mind, because if I had been important enough to him I would have put him back into his right mind before he did it. I didnt care that he had been in chronic pain and that men in Ireland dont talk about their feelings, so instead die of sadness. I didnt want him at peace. I wanted him struggling, but alive, so he could meet my boyfriends and give them a hard time, like in American movies. I wanted him to come to pick me up from discos, so my mother didnt have to go out alone in her pyjamas at night to get me.

I look like him. For all of my teens and early 20s, I smothered my face in fake tan and bleached my hair blond so that elderly relatives would stop looking at me like I was the ghost of Christmas past whenever I did something funny. You look so like your father, they would say. And as much as people might think a teenage girl wants to be told that she looks like a dead man, she doesnt.

Aisling Bea with her father. Photograph: Aisling Bea

And then there was the letter.

My mother gave us the letter to read the day she told us, but, in it, he didnt mention my sister or me.

I had not been adored. He had forgotten we existed. I didnt believe it at first. When I was 15, I took the letter out of my mothers Filofax and used the photocopying machine at my summer job to make a copy so I could really examine it. Like a CSI detective, I stared at it, desperate to see if there had been a trace of the start of an A anywhere.

I would often fantasise that, if I ever killed myself, I would write a letter to every single person I had ever met, explaining why I was doing it. Every. Single. Person. Right down to the lad I struck up a conversation with once in a chip shop and the girl I met at summer camp when I was 12. No one would be left thinking: Why? I would be very non-selfish about it. When Facebook came in, I thought: Well, this will save me a fortune on stamps.

Sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I was convinced that he had left a secret note for me somewhere. Maybe, on my 16th no, 18th no, 21st no, 30th birthday, a letter would arrive, like in Back to the Future. Aisling, I wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I was secretly a spy. That is why I did it. I love you. I love your sister, too. PS Heaven is real, your philosophy essay is wrong and I am totally still watching over you. Stop shoplifting.

This summer was the 30th anniversary of his death. In that time, a few things have happened that have radically changed how I feel.

Three years ago, Robin Williams took his own life. He was my comedy hero, my TV dad he had always reminded my mother of my father and his death spurred me to finally start opening up. I had always found it so hard to talk about. I think I had been afraid that if I ever did, my soul would fall out of my mouth and I would never get it back in again.

Last year, I watched Grayson Perrys documentary All Man. It featured a woman whose son had ended his life. She thought that he probably hadnt wanted to die for ever, just on that day, when he had been in so much pain. A lightbulb moment it had never occurred to me that maybe suicide had seemed like the best option in that hour. In my head, my father had taken a clear decision, as my parent, to opt out for ever.

My father had always seemed like an adult making adult decisions, but I suddenly found myself at almost his age, still feeling like a giant child. I looked at some of my male friends gorgeous idiots doing their gorgeous, idiotic best to bring up little daughters, just like he would have been.

Finally, just after my 30th birthday, a box turned up.

The miserable people he had worked for had found a box of his things filed away and rang my mother (30 years later) wondering whether she wanted them or whether they should just throw them in the bin.

She waited for us to fly home and we opened it together three little women staring into an almost-abandoned cardboard box.

Now, most of the box was horse ultrasounds which, Ill be honest, I am not into. But there was also his handwriting around the edges and, then, underneath the horse X-rays and files, there were the photographs.

Any child who has lost a parent probably knows every single photograph in existence of that parent. I had pored over them all, trying to put together the person he might have been.

The photos in the box had been collected from his desk after he had died. We had never seen them before. They were nearly all of me. He had had all of these photos stuck on his desk. I was probably the last thing he looked at before he died.

My fathers death has given me a lot. It has given me a lifelong love of women, of their grittiness and hardness traits that we are not supposed to value as feminine. It has also given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness traits that we do not foster as masculine or allow ourselves to associate with masculinity.

To Daddy, here is my note to you:

Im sad you killed yourself, because I really think that, if you could see the life you left behind, you would regret it. You didnt get to see the Berlin wall fall or Ireland qualify for Italia 90. You didnt get to see all the encyclopedias that you bought for us to one day use at university get squashed into a CD and subsequently the internet. You have never got to hear your younger daughters voice it annoys me sometimes, but it has also said some of the most amazing things when drunk. I think you would have been proud to watch your daughter do standup at the O2 and sad to see my mother watching it on her own. Then again, if you hadnt died, I probably wouldnt have been mad enough to become a clown for a living. I am your daughter and I am really fucking funny, just like you. But, unlike you, Im going to stop being it for five minutes and write our story in the hope that it may help someone who didnt get to have a box turn up, or who may not feel in their right mind right now and needs a reminder to find hope. Aisling

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/04/aisling-bea-my-fathers-death-has-given-me-a-love-of-men-of-their-vulnerability-and-tenderness

[trendingnewsb]

Aisling Bea: My fathers death has given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness

The comedians father killed himself when she was three. She was plagued by the fact he made no mention of her or her sister in the letter he left. Then, 30 years after his death, a box arrived

My father died when I was three years old and my sister was three months. For years, we thought he had died of some sort of back injury a story that we had never really investigated because we were just too busy with the Spice Girls and which one we were (I was a Geri/Mel B mix FYI). Then, on the 10th anniversary of his death, my mother sat us down and explained the concept of suicide. Sure, we knew about suicide. At 13, I had already known of too many young men from our town who had taken their own lives. Spoken about as inexplicable sadnesses for the families, spoken about but never really talked about terrible tragedy nobody knows why he did it. What we had not known until that day, was that our father had, 10 years beforehand, also taken his own life.

When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told how he adored me, how I was funny, just like him. Because of our lovely Catholic upbringing, I secretly assumed that he would eventually come back, like our good friend Jesus.

My mother, being the wonder woman that she is, never held his death against him. When she looked into his coffin, she felt she saw the face of the man she had married: his stress lines had gone, he seemed free of the sadness that had been dogging him of late. But it was still tough for her to talk about. She didnt want to have to explain to a stranger in the middle of a party how he was not defined by his ending, but how loved he was, how cherished the charismatic, handsome vet in a small town had been. She didnt want his whole person being judged.

Once she had told us, I did not want to talk about him. Ever again. I now hated him. He had not been taken from us, he had left. His suicide felt like the opposite of parenting. Abandonment. Selfishness. Taking us for granted.

I didnt care that he had not been in his right mind, because if I had been important enough to him I would have put him back into his right mind before he did it. I didnt care that he had been in chronic pain and that men in Ireland dont talk about their feelings, so instead die of sadness. I didnt want him at peace. I wanted him struggling, but alive, so he could meet my boyfriends and give them a hard time, like in American movies. I wanted him to come to pick me up from discos, so my mother didnt have to go out alone in her pyjamas at night to get me.

I look like him. For all of my teens and early 20s, I smothered my face in fake tan and bleached my hair blond so that elderly relatives would stop looking at me like I was the ghost of Christmas past whenever I did something funny. You look so like your father, they would say. And as much as people might think a teenage girl wants to be told that she looks like a dead man, she doesnt.

Aisling Bea with her father. Photograph: Aisling Bea

And then there was the letter.

My mother gave us the letter to read the day she told us, but, in it, he didnt mention my sister or me.

I had not been adored. He had forgotten we existed. I didnt believe it at first. When I was 15, I took the letter out of my mothers Filofax and used the photocopying machine at my summer job to make a copy so I could really examine it. Like a CSI detective, I stared at it, desperate to see if there had been a trace of the start of an A anywhere.

I would often fantasise that, if I ever killed myself, I would write a letter to every single person I had ever met, explaining why I was doing it. Every. Single. Person. Right down to the lad I struck up a conversation with once in a chip shop and the girl I met at summer camp when I was 12. No one would be left thinking: Why? I would be very non-selfish about it. When Facebook came in, I thought: Well, this will save me a fortune on stamps.

Sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I was convinced that he had left a secret note for me somewhere. Maybe, on my 16th no, 18th no, 21st no, 30th birthday, a letter would arrive, like in Back to the Future. Aisling, I wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I was secretly a spy. That is why I did it. I love you. I love your sister, too. PS Heaven is real, your philosophy essay is wrong and I am totally still watching over you. Stop shoplifting.

This summer was the 30th anniversary of his death. In that time, a few things have happened that have radically changed how I feel.

Three years ago, Robin Williams took his own life. He was my comedy hero, my TV dad he had always reminded my mother of my father and his death spurred me to finally start opening up. I had always found it so hard to talk about. I think I had been afraid that if I ever did, my soul would fall out of my mouth and I would never get it back in again.

Last year, I watched Grayson Perrys documentary All Man. It featured a woman whose son had ended his life. She thought that he probably hadnt wanted to die for ever, just on that day, when he had been in so much pain. A lightbulb moment it had never occurred to me that maybe suicide had seemed like the best option in that hour. In my head, my father had taken a clear decision, as my parent, to opt out for ever.

My father had always seemed like an adult making adult decisions, but I suddenly found myself at almost his age, still feeling like a giant child. I looked at some of my male friends gorgeous idiots doing their gorgeous, idiotic best to bring up little daughters, just like he would have been.

Finally, just after my 30th birthday, a box turned up.

The miserable people he had worked for had found a box of his things filed away and rang my mother (30 years later) wondering whether she wanted them or whether they should just throw them in the bin.

She waited for us to fly home and we opened it together three little women staring into an almost-abandoned cardboard box.

Now, most of the box was horse ultrasounds which, Ill be honest, I am not into. But there was also his handwriting around the edges and, then, underneath the horse X-rays and files, there were the photographs.

Any child who has lost a parent probably knows every single photograph in existence of that parent. I had pored over them all, trying to put together the person he might have been.

The photos in the box had been collected from his desk after he had died. We had never seen them before. They were nearly all of me. He had had all of these photos stuck on his desk. I was probably the last thing he looked at before he died.

My fathers death has given me a lot. It has given me a lifelong love of women, of their grittiness and hardness traits that we are not supposed to value as feminine. It has also given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness traits that we do not foster as masculine or allow ourselves to associate with masculinity.

To Daddy, here is my note to you:

Im sad you killed yourself, because I really think that, if you could see the life you left behind, you would regret it. You didnt get to see the Berlin wall fall or Ireland qualify for Italia 90. You didnt get to see all the encyclopedias that you bought for us to one day use at university get squashed into a CD and subsequently the internet. You have never got to hear your younger daughters voice it annoys me sometimes, but it has also said some of the most amazing things when drunk. I think you would have been proud to watch your daughter do standup at the O2 and sad to see my mother watching it on her own. Then again, if you hadnt died, I probably wouldnt have been mad enough to become a clown for a living. I am your daughter and I am really fucking funny, just like you. But, unlike you, Im going to stop being it for five minutes and write our story in the hope that it may help someone who didnt get to have a box turn up, or who may not feel in their right mind right now and needs a reminder to find hope. Aisling

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org

Read more: http://ift.tt/2hEbtos

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2iq7Wui via Viral News HQ