#if you're reading this quite soon after it was posted the ao3 link probably won't work yet

[sign-from-god-complex]

A Gift From Me To You - Chapter 5

Chapter Summary: Logan examines his emotions.

Warnings: Mild description of a panic attack? Not necessarily sure that’s what it was, but jic! Suicide mention.

A/N: Boy, this whole fic is just 20k+ words of hurt/comfort, huh? Well, I’m nothing if not predictable I suppose 😆

Also, I don't even have one more full chapter written, so not loving that! I don't want to have to put off the next upload but I might have to if I can't get another chapter finished in time. I was worried this would happen when I started the fic, honestly, but I went for it anyway. With any luck, it'll all work out okay.

AO3 Link //  Link to Chapter One! //  And Two! // And Three! // And Four!

Logan was an idiot.

Yes, he knew that this ruse wasn’t going to last forever, but he had been at least hoping it would have granted him a couple of days. It seemed he couldn’t even get that. He sighed. He really needed to stop underestimating Patton’s mothering abilities.

The whole situation was exhausting. It didn’t make any sense! There was absolutely no reason for him to develop a soulmark at 17 years of age—no reason, of course, except for the universe wanting him to suffer. He was perfectly fine on his own, he was independent and self-sufficient and that’s the way he preferred it.

That was a lie, of course. He was self-aware enough to realise that.

No matter how much he tried to pretend he was completely independent, he knew that so much of his mental wellbeing relied on the wellbeing of his friends. Keeping Patton and Roman happy had become one of Logan’s top priorities, often causing him to go out of his way to do things he wouldn’t normally do, such as take an extra cookie to school with him for Patton, or attend those ridiculous stage productions Roman so adored.

Truthfully, the first time Logan had seen Patton his immediate thoughts had essentially been, “Oh, no, please don’t come over and talk to me”. 

Patton had seemed so bubbly and far, far too intense for Logan’s liking and when he’d headed over to introduce himself once they’d been paired up for the project, Logan had tensed. Though, Patton, ever the empath, had picked up on this immediately.

Patton’s first greeting to Logan had been bright, but it had been soft somehow. When they talked about the project, it wasn’t Logan giving 100% and Patton leeching off his ideas, Patton took an active part in the planning sessions and even engaged in some pretty excellent discussions.

His friendship with Patton was one of the most balanced relationships Logan had ever been a part of—even if there were far more puns than he would like—and if Logan ever pushed too hard, Patton pushed back, just enough for him to realise he was being an asshole.

And Roman. Oh, Roman.

This year Logan found himself looking forward to attending math classes far more than he ever had in his life. Math had always been boring for him, as it was generally very easy and had little real-world application, but now he knew that he’d get a chance to see Roman and that made all the difference.

Logan acted as if he was annoyed by Roman’s incessant rambling, pretending not to listen as he talked about whatever amazing TV show Logan had to watch. Quite honestly, though, he found it calming. It was nice to be able to socialise with someone like that, to not have to worry about coming up with appropriate responses because Roman had the whole conversation covered.

Logan’s relationship with Roman was definitely passionate if nothing else. A fair amount of their interactions ended in disagreements, regardless of how serious they were, and if Roman didn’t insult him at least twice a day Logan would be worried something was wrong.

They had their soft moments all the same though. A favourite of his was the time Roman had asked Logan to tutor him in maths. It was the first time Logan had really seen him display any kind of insecurity; he knew that Roman’s exaggerated self-confidence was a lie, but he’d never seen it deflate quite as quickly as it did that day.

Logan had persevered though, encouraging Roman as well as he was able and trying to come up with alternative ways for him to absorb the information that he needed. When Roman bumped his test scores up from a D to a B+, the look of absolute joy on his face as he hugged Logan was something he couldn’t forget if he tried.

He wasn’t exactly sure how he’d let it get this point, but Logan was stupidly in love with his best friends.

Stupidly, because clearly, they were already together. He knew developing feelings for them was just setting himself up to get hurt, but his heart (or his brain, if you wanted to be scientifically accurate) refused to listen.

He tried to ignore it as best he could—he couldn’t afford to be dealing with emotions—but sometimes Patton would giggle or Roman would jokingly flirt with him and Logan would forget he’s supposed to be pretending. He’d open up just a little bit further to those wonderful feelings before shutting it all down again. He couldn’t. And now he especially couldn’t.

He had a soulmate—a reality he didn’t want to face but was true nonetheless.

He was going to get sucked into someone else’s world, someone he likely didn’t care about being with in the first place. He was going to have his feelings manipulated to view them as the most important person he’d ever met, the most incredible partner he could ever have... And then the eventual tragedy. There’s a reason the suicide rate among soulmates is so high; once one of them dies, the other soon follows, he knows that well.

He didn’t want any of that! He didn’t want to be forced to fall in love, to be so utterly dependant on someone he doesn’t even know. Things were fine the way they were! He didn’t need to be with Roman and Patton as long as he could just be near them, and he didn’t want some imaginary “perfect partner” to come and steal him away from his best friends. It was completely ridiculous!

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Everything about this was stupid! He was locked into this stupid path now and his whole life was going to be turned upside down and it was just so unbelievably stupid!

Logan realised his chest was heaving and his eyes were blurry with tears and he tried his best to control his breathing; count his way through his inhales and exhales the way Patton had taught others many times before. He pressed his back up against the wall and slid his way down to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest.

The ground wasn’t as hard beneath him as he was expecting and he pressed his hands down on either side of him. Carpet. Carefully, he pushed his head back against the wall—it was cool. He didn’t know much about the construction of buildings, but it was solid. Not concrete, but firm; he doubted he could punch through it easily.

Logan’s breathing was slowing now that he had something to focus on. He knew Patton often used this as a grounding technique for people as well. Pay attention to your surroundings, list things you can see, list facts.

Opening his eyes, Logan could see the door on the other side of the room, still cracked open from when he came in. It was the only source of light. A single door; opens to the inside; painted blue.

The room was dark. The windows, if there are any, could be boarded up or covered. Logan couldn’t see them, so he couldn’t be sure. There was a table in front of him. He was sitting on the ground, and for now, he was safe.

He was safe.

Logan closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his chest expand and contract with each breath he took. After a few moments, Logan felt stable enough to stand and attempt to find a light switch. Fully unwinding the bandage around his wrist and dropping it to the floor—it was useless now—he warily made his way around the table, cautious of there being other objects he may trip over in the dark. After only a few seconds of searching, Logan flipped on the light and took a look around.

Ah. Of course, his subconscious mind would take him here.

The room Logan was greeted with when he switched on the light was one of the abandoned classrooms on the east side of campus. Logan wasn’t really sure what they’d been for during the time they were in use, but now they were mainly utilised as spare changing rooms for when the P.E. or drama classes didn’t have enough space.

They were also utilised, by Logan and Patton, as breakdown spaces.

Well, Logan said both him and Patton, but realistically, it was usually just Patton.

Patton was a highly emotional person. Although he spent so much of his time helping others with their flaws and uncertainties, he certainly wasn’t without his own. He tried to hide them for the most part, sneaking off to deal with his issues alone or concealing his negative emotions for fear of taking time away from people who “deserved it more” or something ridiculous like that.

However, Logan had unwittingly been let into the tiny circle of people that were allowed to see Patton at his most vulnerable and he did not take that for granted.

The first time Logan had seen Patton cry had been during a history lesson last year.

Technically, this was not the first time Logan had ever seen Patton cry—Patton cried quite frequently for all sorts of reasons, usually because of a particularly cute animal or an emotional TV show episode, but Logan didn’t count those. Those moments were a dime a dozen with Patton and generally meant very little and had no lasting consequence. But this? This had been the first time he’d ever seen Patton truly cry.

To this day Logan was still not exactly sure what had triggered it. One moment Patton had been sitting next to him, doodling in his notebook as the teacher lectured on about Bloody Sunday and the next he was attempting to stifle the tears that were dripping down onto the paper in front of him.

Quite honestly, Logan isn’t sure that he would have observed anything if Patton hadn’t knocked his drink bottle off his desk with his movements. It didn’t draw enough attention that the whole class took notice, though it was certainly enough for Logan to look over, and the image of Patton at that moment was still perfectly ingrained in his mind. His eyes had been wide, tears spilling down his cheeks and his mouth open in an ‘O’ shape. His hands had been hovering near his head in an imitation of surrender and Patton had looked ready to bolt.

So Logan had done the only appropriate thing he could think of.

“Ms Pascal?” Logan had said, raising his hand, “I’m not feeling very well, could I possibly take a walk outside for just 5 minutes? I’d like to get some air.”

Patton had moved from his frozen position at the sound of Logan’s voice, ducking his head down and pulling at the sleeves of his cardigan. His tears had continued though, and Logan could tell as he watched him from the corner of his eye that his breathing was getting more erratic with every passing moment.

“Yes, Logan, that’s fine,” the teacher had replied, “And you’re permitted to take someone with you, as long as you’re both back quickly.”

Logan hadn’t responded to the teacher’s comment, instead, he’d risen from his desk and grabbed Patton’s hand. Patton’s eyes had been big and glazed behind his glasses as he looked up at him, but Logan had simply tugged his hand gently and said one word.

“Come.”

Patton had stumbled up from his chair, eyes red and watery, and he’d stopped quickly to place his drink bottle back on his desk before being pulled out of the room.

Witnessing Patton so distressed was jarring, to put it lightly. Patton was a happy, joyful person; he always had a smile on his face and time to listen to your problems. So watching him duck his head to hide his tears? Seeing him hunch over, trying to hide from the world and all it’s prying eyes? It was just wrong, and something in Logan’s chest had ached at the sight of it.

Logan had been lost for a moment about where exactly it was best to take Patton—bathrooms were too public, outside was too open—before he remembered the abandoned classrooms. They were out of the way and enclosed, the perfect combination for this scenario.

Without letting go of Patton’s hand—a fact that he later reflected on with a blush he would deny to his grave—Logan had led Patton in the direction of the building he was searching for. As he’d listened to Patton’s sniffing from just behind him, Logan had questioned if possibly he should be starting the comforting now, on the journey to the less overwhelming place. Logan hadn’t been exactly sure how to do that though, so he’d elected to ignore that thought and instead, continued on the way he was.

As they’d arrived at the classrooms, Logan had pulled Patton inside and shut the door firmly behind him, flicking the light on.

“There,” he’d said, turning around to look at Patton, “Hopefully this is a mor-”

Logan had been cut off by Patton barreling into him, knocking him against the now closed door. He could feel Patton sobbing into his shoulder, his hands gripping at Logan’s shirt and Logan had been at a slight loss at what exactly to do to rectify this situation.

He’d hesitantly wrapped his arms around Patton, rubbing his hand up and down his back in a manner that was supposed to be comforting, but likely just came off as awkward.

Clearly, Patton had been seeking some kind of physical contact, and though Logan may not necessarily be the best at that, he had certainly been willing to try. For Patton’s sake, of course. Not at all because the feeling of Patton this close to him had increased his heart rate tenfold.

Logan’s meagre attempts at comfort had continued for several minutes as he let Patton cry himself out and at some point he’d pulled Patton to the floor, correctly assuming it would be more comfortable and less tiring a position to maintain. Logan had found himself whispering too, reassuring Patton that he was alright, he was safe and everything was going to be okay. Generally, he found those kinds of platitudes to be relatively meaningless, but at the time it had seemed like the right thing to do.

And clearly it had been, as within a few more minutes, Patton had reached a more emotionally stable mindset. Or at least he had stopped crying, Logan couldn’t have been sure that anything had actually been resolved; it was always better not to jump to conclusions.

“Sorry, Lo,” Patton had said, wiping at his face with his sleeve, “I guess I just got a little overwhelmed. Nothing to worry about!”

Logan had not believed that in the slightest.

“Of course, Patton.” Logan had fixed him with a concerned look, but Patton had only beamed in response—even if it had been slightly more wobbly than normal. “Would you like to discuss it? I understand that you don’t want me to worry. However, I think I would be more worried if I allowed you to leave without first talking through whatever problem caused this… emotional outburst.”

Patton grin had dropped at that, his expression falling into pure exhaustion. Logan had been blinded for a moment by just how good Patton was at faking a smile; it was truly almost terrifying.

“It-” Patton had sniffed. “It’s silly, really.”

“I find that to be highly unlikely, Patton,” Logan had said kindly, “All experiences are subjective. I may not necessarily understand or relate to your situation, however, I recognise that it upset you greatly. Therefore it’s likely something that is important to you and not at all silly.”

Logan had received a more genuine smile at that, though it only lasted a moment before Patton had screwed up his face. He’d been marginally worried that Patton was going to cry again, but instead, he’d begun to speak.

“You’re right, Lo. I know you’re right. I just-”

Patton had cut himself off with a sigh. Logan had waited as Patton took a few minutes to gather his thoughts, not wanting to interrupt.

“Academic pressure, you know?” Patton’s eyes had been turned to the floor and Logan had directed his gaze in the same direction out of courtesy. “My parents are all brilliant, like, uh, neurosurgeon and high-level computer programmer kind of brilliant. And I’m their only kid! I just… I never feel like I’m living up to expectations. It’s not even their expectations I’m not fulfilling, it’s my own! I- I don’t know… I should be better.”

Logan had blinked; that had been, quite frankly, not what he had expected to hear. Patton was definitely brilliant, albeit in a different way than most, and Logan had been struck with the realisation that Patton didn’t understand how he was so brilliant. He’d needed to rectify that.

“Patton, have you ever heard of the theory of multiple intelligences?”

Patton had raised his eyes to meet Logan’s. “No? What is it?”

Logan had taken a deep breath; it was times like these where he was reminded of how much he despised the education system and all it stood for. This should be common knowledge—but he supposed the way things currently stood, that would be asking for too much.

“It’s a psychological theory proposed in the 1980s which essentially states that intelligence is more than how most perceive it,” Logan had begun, “It suggests 8 or 9 different types of intelligence based on a variety of criteria. This includes things like spacial or visual intelligence, musical intelligence and bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, as well as logical-mathematical intelligence—the more traditional measurement of intellect.”

Logan had studied Patton, trying to gauge his reaction to this information. Patton had been watching him attentively, but he hadn’t looked as if he’d realised the significance yet so Logan had pushed on.

“I quite clearly have high levels of logical-mathematical intelligence, as well as fairly high linguistic intelligence. This results in me getting good grades and having fewer issues with standardised tests—no-matter-how-bullshit-they-may-be.” Patton’s eyes had narrowed a little at the swear word, but he didn’t interrupt. “However, Patton, my point is that that is not the only valid type of intelligence.

“You display extremely high levels of interpersonal intelligence, along with high levels of linguistic and intrapersonal intelligence. Essentially, you are good at understanding your emotions, you are good at articulating them and you are excellent at empathising and assisting others. These are all extremely enviable skills. And they make you incredibly brilliant, Patton.”

Patton’s eyes had widened at that, and the fact that Patton had looked so surprised by someone calling him intelligent still made Logan angry to this day.

“Our school system puts emphasis on one of these types of intelligence over all others,” Logan had said softly, “However, that is not the way the world is. Good interpersonal skills are prized in a variety of different circumstances. I am always one for trying your best to do well in school, but don’t think that just because you may be struggling in an academic environment that you are stupid, Patton, because that could not be further from the truth.”

There had been a moment of silence.

Patton had been staring up at Logan like he was the centre of the universe and Logan had simultaneously hated it and wanted to experience nothing else for the rest of his short existence. It was intoxicating and absolutely terrifying. Patton’s eyes had been wide and watery and as the seconds ticked by where nothing was said, Logan had wondered if maybe he’d overstepped his boundaries.

Then, slowly, Patton had moved towards Logan until he was virtually sitting in his lap and had wrapped his arms around his chest, almost cuddling into him. Logan had completely frozen. There had been so much emotion in that one action and he’d had trouble processing any of it.

Almost as if on autopilot, Logan had put his arms around Patton as well, returning the gesture and relishing in the chance to receive physical affection from Patton without having to ask for it. Patton’s body in his arms had seemed small and fragile and at that moment Logan had felt so fiercely protective of his friend that it had frightened him. He’d really fallen in deep this time. Idiot.

“Thank you, Logan.” Patton had whispered and Logan had almost had to strain to hear him, “That really, really means a lot.”

Logan sat down on the ground beneath him. He could feel tears running down his face and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, wishing he had Patton here to comfort him and yet not wanting to be anywhere near him. This was all too much; he just wanted things to be easy!

He wanted things to go back to the way they were when he was a kid—his mother laughing from the kitchen as he finished his homework, brushing back his hair and kissing him on the forehead, talking through all of his problems with him.

She always seemed to know the right advice to give. It didn’t matter whether he was having trouble in school or whether he was fighting with his friends, she always knew how to help. Logan is sure she would have known exactly what he should do.

But his mother wasn’t here.

And Logan was lost.

And the door was being pushed open.

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Chapter 6

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