#ik they'll probably try again tomorrow but like

[zhongrin]

crying sobbing they tried to deliver my new laptop literally ONE MINUTE after i left the house like. MY GUY. AT LEAST CALL ME OR SOMETHING. I WOULD HAVE TURNED BACK SO FAST 😭

[goofyahhvents]

another little venty vent cause fuck people

i hate myself. I actually hate myself. u hate my body. I hate my personality. I hate my brain. I want to go to my friends but they're always either doing great or terribly and I don't want to ruin their mood or make it worse with my issues. I actually wanna k!ll myself again, for the first time in 4 months. not my goofy constant imma kms like genuinely just need an inconvenience to shove me over the edge rn. I feel so stupid talking about what's going on in my head but sometimes this helps.does anyone else ever daydream about something terrible happening and think about what everyone's responses would be based off of your experiences with them, cause I do. and i realized mhow much people wouldn't care. I hope maybe one day they will care. I want to talk so bad to by bestfriend but she's literally getting proposed to tomorrow and I don't wanna ruin that. (btw they've only been together 4 months and I think it's a great idea eventually but not for two teenagers who haven't even made it passed the 1 year mark.) but nobody knows what to do if I cry lol, I have the emotional tendencies of a man. I honestly just want to break tf down and have someone there to comfort me and hold me but obviously I'm some unlovable ass who has never been in a good relationship. and honestly I'm gonna need my ex to stop pretending like I'm talking shit about her when ik she knows it's true. and istg if bro doesn't stop saying "you did look how that worked out" every time I say fuck you am going to bash my head against a brick wall because I FUCKING KNOW BRO you're literally the one who broke up with me even if it seems like we never actually dated and we never "broke up" dude I know please stop reminding me I wasn't as important to you as you were to me I know this shit by now. I'm mostly over it but some days she will not shut up about it and I wanna slap her cause I think she knows what she's doing to me at that point. I just want someone who will genuinely love me and actually take care of me. but anyways I've started counting calories and eating less and relapsing more again so that's fun. but if I tell the one person I can tell they'll only be like same. I try to ask her how she's genuinely doing but she always brushes me off and I don't know how to really express my feelings. she's not my therapist though so idrk why I want to tell her. probably because sometimes I only feel like I'm there to do things for them not just because I'm their friend. I kinda expected and I think even wanted her boyfriend to notice and say something to her but he doesn't have social skills so they can never see how i deflate when they talk about certain topics that strike a nerve. also idk why they say I'm not fat, we all know I am so why won't they just admit it. I do truly hate my body and they know so maybe that's why. I've tried so hard to look better but I just cant.