#im fucking crying i sat in discord for 11 HOURS NON STOP FINISHING THAT FUCK

[lonelylittletransgirl]

 3:58am - 13/05/2020

i’m gonna try and tell the rest of the story, its now been 4 months and a day since last talking to him, this writing is stream of thought im not editing any of this fyi

the introduction to rowan was a messy night, I had just finished work and it was probably around midnight, i recall it being a cold night, i wasnt in the best of mood, as dan and i wrapped foh shutdown i noticed a new person in the discord, everyone was in vc, so i joined in, and asked who this new person was. after being teased for a few hours over being jealous of the new person i went to bed, i think i cried myself to sleep? i forget, but i remember it was cold, talking on discord driving home, not a fun night at all.

within the first month of rowan joining he quickly became close with felix, lots of flirting, suggesting things he wanted to do to the boy, and the boy asked for it, soaked up the attention, felix took pride in me being jealous, he fed off it, he’d ask if i was jealous of rowan, and he’d giggle while asking, i hated rowan, and rowan hated me.

a lot of shit happened, but i forget most of it, im gonna skip ahead to the day we met rowan, because its significant to me, and is the most i can remember anymore.

the day we where gonna meet rowan we planned on exploring an abandoned house, i really didnt wanna go, but felix needed someone to drive him, and i didnt want felix to go without me, i was scared id loose him otherwise, so i went along. i woke up that morning and immedietly had an anxiety attack, i felt like i was going to puke, i was trembling, i could barely tie my shoes, but i managed to get some water, got dressed, and made my way to pickup felix. outside of his house anxiety really hit me again, i thought i was gonna puke, or faint, and felix just sat in the passenger seat, asked if i was okay, and if i was ready to go, he didnt seem to actually care about me, but it was whatever. we met up with rowan, and he was... okay ngl he was kinda cute, tall, nice hair, well dressed, but i was too busy hating him for trying to take felix to actually crush on him, so... yea. we met up with chris and the rest of the discord group shortly after, drove around, couldnt go into the abandoned house because there where workers there, we drove to chris’s house, chris played video games, i just kinda sat there, trying to not cry, while rowan held felix in his arms like a baby, kissing in view of everyone, i hated rowan. finally we had to leave, felix had work, i dropped felix off at his house, then dropped rowan off at the bus station so he could get back to hamilton, i went to go see xander, and that was that day.

rowan increasingly felt the need to call me out that im not dating felix and got more and more protective and possessive of him, as it turns out, felix had been hiding rowan from me since september, i got more and more desperate for felix’s attention, i started self harming more frequently and more visibly, he didnt care, i started threatening suicide, i got to a point mentally where i thought it might be time to take myself to a hospital to stop myself from doing anything dumb, but my busy work schedule + not being able to just dissapear from home meant that was a complete non option.

more things happened, we made a seperate group chat for sending tasteful nudes of ourselves to; idk why, but i partook, i didnt enjoy anything anyone else sent, but i wanted attention and validation, so i partook. there was another night that was kinda meaningful, felix and i where gonna sleep over, but then felix invited chris over, and i didnt want chris to come over, but he came anyways, stayed for an hour or two, then had to go to work and was gonna come back after work, i ended up crying for over an hour once chris left, and had to leave myself, stayed at xanders house instead.

finally, we reached a point, the 20th of january, i was at felix’s house, and i was in a bad mood, i had a bad night the night before, and i had cut myself quite a bit compared to previous, felix was hiding his phone screen from me, nothing out of the ordinary, but i caught a glimse, i realized he was on my tumblr, then suddenly he grabbed me and looked at my scars, scolded me for cutting, then went back to his phone what looked like screen shotting my tumblr. see, i started my previous tumblr similar to this one, for venting, and i shared the link with felix for some stupid reason, but i started catering the phrasing of my posts to include the things i wanted felix to know about, and started omitting the things i didnt want him to know, i would purposely include things i wanted to linger in his mind, and at this point he was going back through them all, realizing what kind of things ive been saying/feeling; i looked at him, and asked if i should leave, he said no, but i did end up going home. that night he sat in voice with rowan, his ex, and chris, i didnt join i was too busy crying. next morning i came online, and noticed it was quiet, i messaged felix asking if he wanted to hang out later in the week, and he left me on delivered for hours. i texed him again that night around 9:30pm asking if we where okay, and got no reply. finally, i messaged chris, asking what was up with felix, and the response i got was that chris isnt supposed to tell me, but rowan and felix’s ex convinced felix im a bad person, and that im toxic, and bad for felix. i felt sick, i couldnt stop crying, i knew it’d come to this point, and i tried so hard to keep him, but he finally gave up on me, i went to xanders house and cried more, finally, at 11:32pm i messaged felix, i appologized for everything, i thanked him for being a decent person to me when nobody else would be and that was that.

I dont know how i feel about it, writing this out makes me feel numb, im not crying, im just shaking, i wanna hurt myself, i wanna get in my car and drive off to nowhere and fall asleep forever, i hate felix, hes a terrible shitty person who hurt me when i was vulnerable and in need, i feel taken advantage of, like i was just some toy to use and throw away, and he almost seems to enjoy my suffering, i cry about him every few days, look at the memories we made together, he was such an important part of my life, he was the best part of my life, the only thing i had to look forward to every week, honestly without him i dont even know if i’d be alive, and to him i was just some weird obsessed creepy trans girl.

i’ve texted him a few times since then, he’s never replied, i miss him a lot, but idk if i can take him back anymore without being scared of getting hurt again.

and i think thats the whole story of felix and i, i fucking loved him to death, and sometimes still do, but he treated me in ways that im not even sure are normal or not anymore, i want him back so badly, id do anything for him, but i hate him, he’s a terrible person who deserves to feel the loneliness ive gone through for almost 20 years

i guess the only addition is that i ended up kinda crushing on rowan for like a good month or two, idk why

its not 4:54am and i need to write down all the shit i wanna bring up in therapy because thats something i need to pay more attention to