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dgrif · 3 years

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not that i disagree with shunning harry potter, but i do think tumblr is a little out of touch if they think blogs on this half dead site are offering "publicity" to one of the most popular children's book series in the world.

social credit for harry potter really is never going to die down because frankly, those of us that care are VASTLY outnumbered by those that don't, which is why there are fucking theme parks and merch everywhere and movies and shit still coming out. from a capitalistic perspective it'll never die because its a goddamn cash cow, and tumblr users not spreading gifsets is not going to affect that in the slightest, I'm sorry its just not.

harry potter reached a point of social impact and relevancy comparable to a lot of other famous and hugely problematic works, only it suffers from the fact that the author is still alive. its not about debating how the work is mediocre, its not about debating whether people can consume problematic content, the problem with harry potter is that the author herself is a huge cunt still doing cunty things, and unlike the dead authors of other famous problematic things, and she gains the revenue from her series and the popularity and platform from that.

the people who care are already doing what they can to boycott and speak out, and its literally not made a difference. jkr is just getting bolder and more cunty and making just as much money. so no, i don't think some random tumblr user who draws harry potter (probably brown, probably queer anyway) is going to have the social influence to affect jkr in any way.

at best public opinions on hp can be used as a signal for your allyship with trans people, but you're absolutely deluding yourself if you think anti terf people are going to make a noticeable dent in the social influence of jkr and that series.

reasonably i think most remaining fans who aren't assholes are just waiting on the bitch to die so the characters can be reclaimed by the public (like the already have been, lets be honest,) and i don't think that's the part that's giving jkr her popularity, especially when her most vocal defenders by now aren't even harry potter fans.

jkr has become a monster of her own that's gaining a following based on her tweets and her new book, and harry potter only really serves to give her money, if you're buying her merch. otherwise its literally impossible to give her or harry potter any more social credit than they already have, and frankly i think the whole situation has futher associated her with her own book series than fans did before, just due to the discourse.

and I'm not saying that harry potter blogs aren't immediate red flags or that you shouldn't avoid hp content if you want to, I'm just saying someone running a hp blog realistically isn't contributing to the problem surrounding jkr and hp from that alone, and they're still fully capable of being allies or even trans people themselves.

the absolute dsconnect from reality people have by thinking that if they shut down tumblr hp posting that jkr will be dealt with somehow, when anyone i meet irl will talk about and reference harry potter on the regular bc its a household name cemented in childhoods, and most people are not online enough or care enough about lgbt issues or "politics" to give a shit about jkr and her opinions. to the majority of the world, harry potter exists independent of that women, and frankly it seems better to encourage that than have long drawn out discussions with people who do not care why you think they should stop liking harry potter.

i see on a daily basis an incredible amount of people who will never care about trans issues or me as a trans person, which means i see the same amount of people who like harry potter and do not care why they shouldn't. the best i can hope for out of them is that they don't look up jkr and become influenced by her opinions, in which case i don't want to be the one to bring it up in the first place. when something gets as popular as harry potter did in the first place, genuinely i think "seperate art from the artist" is the most realistic and productive goal; not for the purpose of easing guilt of people who still want to enjoy it, but specifically so she as a person doesn't gain the platform and popularity that her series is going to continue to have anyway.

there is a reason we block terfs instead of engaging them in debate, and the jkr/hp debacle seems to have ignored that in favor of constantly demanding the issue stay on subject, which in its own way perpetuates jkr's platform more than if we had moved on from the fact that yes, harry potter is still incredibly popular, and yes the author is a piece of shit. instead every new tweet every month causes the discussion to circulate, pushing itself as a hot topic so people can brag about hating it now and arguing to death why you should too, and I'm seeing people turn terf ally BECAUSE of that discourse, who never would have noticed the topics or thought to have an opinion on them before.

remember, terfism isn't one side of an inherent opinion that all people have on gender, its a violent rhetoric that people get indoctrinated into that's more dangerous than passive transphobia. i would 100% rather accept that most people are going to generally like the harry potter series and move on, rather than turn a widely beloved thing into a hot button issue that pushes the idea of terfism into the view of people who otherwise wouldn't have encountered it.

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disabled-dragoon · 2 years

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Tw swearing, i like swearing I'm sorry

Hey so I'm writing a scene with my disabled character and they're like super sarcastic, witty, call out your ablist bullshit type character. In part of the scene someone calls them resilient and they make a comment like "thank you, my choices were this or death ;)" sort of thing. I'm way too shy to have ever used this sort of line in real life (but I've said it in my head a million times) so i have no idea how the other person would react and am a bit stuck writing it.

Just wondering does any disabled person out there have a better idea of the other persons reaction, maybe from experience?

I could just write the line as a thought in my characters head to avoid this problem but I'd really like for it to be out loud. I'm sort of writing this character as a much braver more badass version of myself and really want them to embarrasse the hell out of some ablists like i always want to but never can.

Do you have any advice?

Have a nice day :)

Oh how interesting!! I will gladly assist!

(And the swearing is fine. I've got the mouth of a sailor anyway XD)

I know what you mean about not being brave enough to deliver some home truths to ableists, but I have had the pleasure of witnessing more confident individuals standing up for themselves!

I like the line! It's blunt but it gets the point of the character across and there's so much emotion and the like that can be put behind it, depending on how the scene is written.

I reckon in a real world situation, depending on how realistic you're going for in the scene, there are probably three main reactions that you could expect from the presumably abled character depending on the line you go with/the situation:

The well known and hated "I was just giving you a compliment. What? Am I not allowed to be nice to you now?!"- They go on the defensive because even if they can't see why they might have pissed the disabled character off, they do not want to admit that they can clearly see there was something problematic with what they said. They can either see they're in the wrong but won't admit it, don't know why it might have hit a nerve and thus don't know why they're being "attacked", can kind of realise why they hit a nerve but still feel the need to defend themselves because it wasn't that bad in their minds. Either way, they get defensive about it.

Genuine shock. They might not have realised why saying that might not have gone down too well and don't know how to respond to the comment afterwards.

Maybe they actually want to learn why what they said might have garnered such a reaction and apologise. Probably one of the least likely, even if there is genuine guilt there, but hey it happens sometimes. Once, to me, but it still happens. I know normally we have to explain before they realise/make a conscious effort but you never know.

You've also got the classic brush off, just ignoring the disabled characters comment and going on as normal. But these are just ones that I've witnessed/experienced myself. You may also experience all of them in one fell swoop.

Some favourites that I like to say/think to people are along the lines of:

Well someone has to be.

Alternatively: Well one of has to be and it doesn't look like its gonna be you.

If I had a penny for every time I've heard that-

Your point?

I wasn't aware I asked for your opinion.

Thanks! That doesn't help me in the slightest!

Wow that's a big word for you! Did you think of it all by yourself?

Alternatively: Is that your word of the day?

I hope this helps a bit. Actually quite interesting seeing how other people respond to these types of comments themselves!

Good luck with your scene!!

#tw: swearing #disability #disabled #actually disabled #disabilities

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hqprotectionsquad · 4 years

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Dating! For Science (Kuroo x Reader)

this is for my bestie, ate, and just wonderful person to know, io!!! i’ve gotten to know you over the past few months from the network and let me tell you, it’s probably the best decision i’ve made concerning this fandom. i know this isn’t easy, but you take all of your responsibilities with such grace and i’m always inspired by you. i don’t know anyone else who would have their nickname on the server be writeiolite (lara’s #1 fan) and that just makes me so happy. you make me so happy!! because of you, i have true friends from around the world and of different ages and i actually write!! i’m so honored to know you and i just love you so much. thank you for being you, io! i hope you have a wonderful birthday <3

summary: Kuroo’s tweaking his AI program for his senior thesis and he just needs one thing left to make this true to life: a fake girlfriend. After deliberation, you step in so that he can avoid hurting his reputation and another girl’s heart. What could really go wrong? pairing: Kuroo x F!Reader tw: cursing word count: 3010 a/n: lightly inspired by Black Mirror and the episode “White Christmas” even though that episode doesn’t really have anything to do with fake dating? i was more inspired by their ability to go into someone’s mind, thus leading to the AI aspect of this fic!

There's something about Kuroo that has always drawn you to him. Maybe it was his eyes, his height or hair. You still don’t quite know. But ever since your second year of college, your eyes never left that rooster-headed man. Lucky you; he chose the seat next to yours over the other ones in the lecture hall because he claims you had the best spot, so "sitting next to you is the next best choice."

It's been two years since then, and he won't leave you alone. He insists this is for the best because his best friend doesn't attend college near you two and you're the closest friend he has. Over everyone, Kuroo Tetsurou chose you and will continue to choose you, and you don't really understand why.

The moonbeams shoot into the room through the window. Lately, you've been needing to stay over at his apartment, just to make sure he's still alive. He's been begging the world for his artificial intelligence program to work. He wants something fresh and unpredictable to present for his senior thesis, something that his classmates would envy at and the committee would be in awe of. He'll defend his program swinging, you know that for sure. After moments of just sitting on the edge of his bed, watching him hunch over his desktop computer, the chair swishes and he turns to look at you. "(Y/N), can you proofread this for me?"

“What is it?” You stand to get a closer look and you guide the chair back to the correct rotation. Your arm hangs around his shoulders as you slot your eyes to see better. “Is this a—”

“It’s a girlfriend application.”

“Tetsu, what the hell?”

“What?” His palms face towards the ceiling as his forehead creases. “I need to make my AI as accurate as possible. How else am I going to make it realistic?”

Now, you tilt your head. “You...you’ve never had a girlfriend?”

Kuroo’s lips drag into a frown and he shuts his eyes for a few seconds as if he’s shutting off the rest of the world. “You don’t have to say it like that.”

“But Tetsu, you’re so charismatic. I thought you must have had a few girlfriends by now.” You think back to all of the times you’ve attended parties with him. He’s essentially been the life of the party and he’s always had people surrounding him while playing beer pong or just funneling drinks down his throat. How could have not had a girlfriend at this age considering his background?

“You don’t have to shove it in my face.” Kuroo drags his fingers down his eyes, nose, and lips.

“You’ve had hookups, I’m sure?”

“Yeah, but a girl sneaking out of my bed at seven in the morning isn’t the same as having a full-on relationship.” Under his breath, he says, “I wish it was because then I’d be having hookups left and right.”

“You’re so weird.” You laugh at his comment and soon enough, he’s laughing along with you. You settle back on the edge of the bed and he follows suit.

His body weight sinks into the mattress, bringing part of you down with him. "It's one of the last parts of the project, and you know I've been working on it for a while now. I just want my program to be as real as it can get. I know it'll be flawed, but I've got to try to make it perfect as I can, you know?"

"Yeah." You mutter, trying to drown out your blaring thoughts. What you're thinking right now...it's absurd and you shouldn't have it on your mind. But if it all worked out, then maybe you'd— "Kuroo, what if I was your fake girlfriend? For maybe a month, give or take. This way, you don't scare people off and you're with someone you already know."

You can tell he's considering it, based on the way his eyes dart in many ways. "But shouldn't the point of dating be that you get to know someone new?" Kuroo's eyebrow slides up and it's hard to believe that he's never had a proper relationship before. "I know you fairly enough."

"You know me as a friend. It's different when you approach someone as a girlfriend and it's different when it's a hookup," you justify. "I don't even know your favorite color, and I'm pretty sure you don't know mine."

"Isn't it purple?"

You'll be honest, you've never really considered yourself as a "favorites" person who naturally sought out what they loved the most. You found better use of your time instead of boring through magazine quizzes to show what you liked the best. But after thinking, you shake your head. "It's red."

“Why red?” He asks and it brings you back to all of the photos you’ve seen of Kuroo in his old high school volleyball uniform. He’s shown you many and when you first saw them, you were surprised he didn’t comment on how you were biting your lip or looking back and forth to see how he’s changed. And he really hasn’t done much of changing except for growing an inch taller and his hair being somewhat neater, but he looked so confident when he was on the court. The red fabric of his uniform hugged his figure in all the right places. The photo where he’s speaking to all of his teammates—would it be wrong to say you swooned?

It’s his color. Even now, if he searches through his drawers and checks his hangers, his current wardrobe will have splatters of red all over. Maybe red wasn’t really anything to you until you met him. Because it is his, it is now yours.

“Because it’s a passionate color. It’s love, anger, pain; it’s everything.” For a moment, you forget why you’re here and you have this stupid grin on your face, and then you remember and reality pulls you back. “I’ll be your fake girlfriend.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want this to be the reason why we end up falling apart, because you’re a really great friend to me and I love our friendship—” He’s speaking at a pace of a million miles a minute and you’re lucky you can even hear the words he’s saying.

You nod your head once. “I’m sure.”

While you don’t start off anything that day because Kuroo said he wanted to plan everything out before you begin, you also take that day to just be friends and bask in the current relationship you have with one another. Everything’s going to change from this point on, and you know it and he knows it.

You’ve got to admit it; the next time you meet, you’re scared of what’s to come. How do you greet him? How will he take all of his emotions and collate it into data for his prototype? Don’t you feel like you’re being used?

But you volunteered for this. You told him he should date — fake date — someone he already knows. You just wanted that person to be you. Seeing him with someone else would just be twisting a knife into your side. At least you get to control your feelings in this situation.

“(Y/N), it’s good to see you,” Kuroo greets you as you find him in the restaurant you were meeting in. He stands to hug you and you’ll admit, he’s actually trying to form a meaningful relationship, of some sort at least.

“Thanks for buying me dinner, boyfriend,” you wink as you say the last word. He even pushes in your chair when you go to sit. Kuroo settles across from you. He mentions something about already ordering for the two of you but you can’t really focus because he’s wearing an outfit you’ve never seen before. Yeah, those are jeans and a t-shirt, but his winter coat hugs his sides in a way you’d never expect. Your hope is that he actually dressed up for you.

After a waiter comes by your table to place your plates of noodles, Kuroo unloads his information for the AI prototype and he’s not afraid to release it all at once.

“So I have these guidelines I typed up for you,” he hands over this folder. It’s incredibly neat, as you expected of him, but there has to be over ten pages in here. Guessing by the first page, none of the papers will have blank space. “It’s just outlining my hypothesis, my expectations, all of that. You might not have to read it all because it's mostly for my records, but I highlighted the things that I think would be most helpful."

You wipe your hands with the napkin from the table and sift through the materials. "Tetsu, you highlighted mostly the whole thing," you mutter. Taking a glance at the expectations page, you raise your eyebrows. "You said that you expect to not fall in love with me?"

Kuroo bites his lip. "It's more like if I write that down, then it has a better chance of coming true. You'll only need to date me for as long as I need to collect experiences and data. I don't want to let you go as a friend."

You don't bother to respond because you've moved on to the rest of the page. "Wait, you want us to consummate our relationship?" You say this almost too loudly, and Kuroo taps your hand repeatedly to tell you to lower your voice. You press your palm to your lips and after seeing nobody is looking in your direction, your hand returns to the table. “Are you being serious here, Kuroo?”

Kuroo sighs. "I was just thinking that sex would also help in gaining experience."

“You’ve had hookups before.”

“Well, isn’t sex different if you have it with someone you’re dating?” Kuroo can’t quite meet your eyes when he says this.

“So what, we’re essentially friends with benefits now?” You bite back your silly smile and wait for his reaction.

His mouth opens and closes. Finally, he says, “I don’t want to say yes, but basically.” After a beat, his words rush out, “You’re still my girlfriend. That’s established. Girlfriend with many rules and such. Fake girlfriend.” He emphasizes on the word fake, and suddenly, it becomes your least-favorite f-word.

Still, you smile. “Fake girlfriend it is.”

You’re thrown into everything pretty quickly. He introduces hand-holding, and soon after, kisses. He’ll come pick you up after your classes for dates. “For science,” he says all the time. You really can’t believe he’s not your real boyfriend because he’s such a great kisser and after this all ends, his lips will no longer belong to you. Your heart says you should, but knowing he literally writes down his observations after you do anything romance related, your brain says absolutely not.

Now, it’s been about three months since you’ve began “dating” Kuroo Tetsurou. He blames the duration of time on the project, and now, this contracted relationship has an "indefinite" completion, says Kuroo. Through all of the dates, cuddling, and etcetra, he’s probably the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. That’s not saying too much, but whoever you date next will not be able to match up with Kuroo. There are definitely times when you forget that this is all for his artificial intelligence thesis because it all feels so natural, especially when you hold his hand while walking down the street, and when you catch him smiling down at you just for a few seconds. He’s not perfect and you hate it when he talks with food in his mouth, but everything else is pretty good.

Or at least you thought.

“(Y/N),” he calls out when you’re at his apartment on a Saturday afternoon. Nowadays, you’re at Kuroo’s place. You have study sessions with him, eat dinners, and close off nights with his arm around you when you watch a movie. He’s seen almost all the parts of you and you don’t even mind. He molds a spot for himself in your heart and he doesn’t even know it. All he knows is that you’re the fake girlfriend for his project, and maybe a trial girlfriend before he truly finds the one he loves.

You’re digging into the refrigerator, scanning the shelves and drawers to find a perfect movie snack. Would chocolates and gummy worms go well together? Or maybe fruit for a change...

“(Y/N), come here,” Kuroo reiterates as he’s relaxing on the couch in the other part of the apartment. After you find your snacks — you give into the dark chocolate to pair with the salty popcorn — you make it over to the living room, settling the candy on the coffee table.

“What’s up, babe?” Pet names flow out easy like the water in a river and you don’t know when it started, but it turns out Kuroo has taken a particular liking to this one. You settle in close, tucking yourself into his side with his arm still resting on the top of the couch.

“I was thinking about the AI thing,” Right, because this isn’t supposed to be real. “I think sex is the next thing we have to accomplish and I think that’s essentially all I need for the project.”

You have to blink a few times, just to make sure those were the words that came out of his mouth. You shift your body to face him and you’re no longer pushed to his side. “That’s it?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Kuroo shrugs with his lips pressed together. There’s a chill that rushes through your body. You should have stuck to the contract because you know Kuroo did. You know that he did not stray from it for a second, despite all of the hugs and kisses you’ve shared. You knew this was coming, yet you still don't want to see it in front of your face. The two of you live in this cloud of smoke that this project has forged, and Kuroo will be fanning it away soon.

You don't know what to say anymore. On one hand, it would be simple to ignore your sense of direction and throw away every platonic feeling you have for Kuroo, just to try and work out a relationship without strings. On the other hand, your actions directly affect Kuroo and you'd feel horrible if you messed up his project, whether if it was because you abandoned ship or acted on your feelings and your relationship turned sour.

Any way you think of it, nothing comes out right.

“(Y/N), come on, talk to me.” He pats the hand that rests in your lap, but still, your head won’t get out of this fog. Is this what it’s been this whole time? You should have paid more attention to yourself, to see the exact point where you let yourself go and live in this cloud of smoke.

“I don’t know what to say.” You don’t look at him. “Is it wrong to say that I don’t want to do it? That I feel used?”

“You said this was like friends with benefits when we first began. You saw and read everything in the folder I gave you. This isn’t supposed to be real, we were supposed to be together for this project.” Kuroo sighs. “For God’s sake, (Y/N). You offered. You literally offered, and you did not have to do this.”

If you felt like crying before, well, now you’re really crying. You’re trying to have some sort of semblance of a composure, but with you wiping your eyes with the back of your hands every few seconds, it’s hard to know what exactly you’re feeling.

“(Y/N)...” Kuroo longs to reach for you, but you shift farther from him on the couch, making creases in it. You’re sure he feels like the bad guy now, but this is nothing but your fault, and you’d like to own up to it, if only you’d stop fucking crying. “(Y/N), come here.”

When you finally look up at Kuroo through your oceans of tears, you can’t tell if it’s your currently impaired eyesight or if he’s also shedding a few tears.

“Look, I like you a lot, and I like you romantically. I won’t lie about that. I have for a long time, and when you said you’d be my fake girlfriend, I was scared. I’m not the best at knowing lots of things that aren’t academic, but I know for sure that these things never turn out right.” Kuroo takes your hands when you inch toward him. He rubs the back of your hands, the pads of his fingers sopping up your fallen teardrops. The man here is unfolding the hardened layers he used to have, revealing his softer insides. “Fuck, maybe I thought,” Kuroo stops to stand and pace back and forth in the room you’re in. “Maybe I thought if I threw myself into my work and take everything logistically and treat it like a project with no feelings, then it could all be justified in my head.”

You don’t know what else to think, so you just do.

You mute his next words with your lips and when you release, you’re sure you look like a mess with the tear stains along your face, but he tells you you’re beautiful anyway.

“Be my girlfriend. My real girlfriend. Nothing for the project, though I’m pretty sure I had enough data from the point of two weeks in.” There’s Kuroo’s cheeky self, the one you’ve known and been longing for.

“You’re so stupid.” You roll your eyes. “God, my boyfriend is so stupid.”

He lifts you into a bridal carry, the crook of his elbow caressing the back of your knees. “Do I still look stupid?” But he doesn’t let you answer his question. His lips are on yours. Your hands press against his cheeks and his hair brushes against your face.

“I like you a lot, stupid.”

“And I like you a lot too.”

general haikyuu tag list: @dorkyama @kingkags @clowninfortodoroki @ykchaos @kingkagss @alienvarmint

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hearteyes-for-killmonger · 4 years

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Part 19: Colleague

Co-workers don't typically try to knock down your front door or threaten to burn your house. Those are actions reserved for people with feelings attached. Erik has a lot of sexual partners, that's nothing new. It only makes sense that someone else would find themselves attached to him.

Leaning in closer to hear the conversation, you step forward but the "co-worker" sighs crossing the room.

"Fine. Have fun," she says listening silently before lowering the phone. If that was all they had to talk about, why had she been threatening him and his house? Why had he been avoiding her call? It doesn't make sense. Something about their relationship ain't right, and if she were actually a sub, why would Erik lie about something that stupid? He didn't hide his other subs. In fact, he'd proudly paraded them. So it wouldn't make sense now to lie about this one. She was definitely not in the count that he'd given you as far as his subs and he'd been thorough then.

Impossible. He can't be secretly in love with her. Can he? No, he'd have answered her call.. He'd have given her a key.. Maybe. Never really know with him. What if she knows about me.. Maybe he told her.

Her face is aggravatingly neutral and it seems she's done that on purpose.

"Where exactly do you work again," you test.

Without making eye contact she holds the cell phone out to you and turns on her heel to glide quickly back to the staircase, speeding down with you hot on her heels.

"HEY," you call grabbing her upper arm and she snatches away quickly before stepping into your personal space in a piercing threat, brown eyes locked on yours. You've seen eyes like that before.. on Erik. Knowing him, he'd definitely find a way to yell at you for getting your ass beat by a bitch you let in.

"...Who are you?"

"Oh girl," she scoffs with a shake of her head. "We ain't doing this tonight."

"The hell we ain't. You come barging in here like you pay the mortgage and then you can't talk about for what purpose? Does Erik own your mouth, is that why you can't speak? Why are all of y'all so damn troublesome," you frown. "I'm just trying to mind my business and I always end up in the middle of some bullshit."

Her eyes narrow briefly, her chest moving as she sighs, "..And why are you here?"

"I was invited unlike some people."

"Riiight." She rolls her eyes and heads toward the door with you behind her again, but this time you don't touch her.

"Yes? No? You're his sub right?"

"Fuck.. Me," she mumbles to the sky turning yet again, glare steady. She obviously thinks these are stupid questions. "We work together. What part of work are you not understanding?"

"How long have you two been working together," you ask knowing she hears the real question. Shaking her head, she turns back to the front door.

"What's your name?"

She turns again, her exasperation now painfully clear.

"Sis, I'm a give you a word of advice that I give to all of Erik's little pets. One.. Don't get too attached. Get your nut and go."

"But you threatened to burn down his house for ignoring you. Is that not too attached?"

"We are co-workers. He told you that. I told you that. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Two.. Don't keep digging for shit you ain't ready for or you might just find it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you'll go home if you're smart," she stares. "Doesn't look to me that you are though."

"Then maybe you need glasses because I can clearly see why he ignores you. You're a bitch."

Her eyes widen briefly as she's taken aback. Turning, she walks to her car and you've yet to get answers. She pulls away slowly into the night as you watch her car disappear leaving you alone with the house again. As irritating as it was having her there, it did take your mind away from the uneasy feeling that was building in your gut. Looking around at the black open space outside, you close the door and head back to the couch deciding to sleep there where you can hear.

---

Disassembling the AS50 took less than three minutes so Erik had taken it upon himself to take a few of the weapons from the trailers as well as the ones in the clearing where the dead men laid in the brown hard dirt. After collecting them and binding them to make them easier to carry, his makeshift bandage needed to be changed. Also, he couldn't lug all of the bodies realistically although he wanted to clean up his mess. He sat carefully on a fold-up chair in the clearing, ripping material from the shirt of one of the men and tying up his leg again. Damn he really missed Rell. Rell was his right hand and he'd never had to worry about this shit when Rell was around. He'd do the killing and Rell would make it all go away as if it never happened. No one would know and Erik would go right back to his house and try to sleep or live a normal life. As normal as he could. Swift was his left hand. She had the information, the technology, and she was a platinum level scammer.. but Rell.. man, Rell was special. Rell was like a brother.

A drop fell onto the dirt and for a moment Erik wondered if it was starting to rain before he realized it had come from him. His eyes were wet and though he wasn't making any sound and his breathing was still normal.. he was somehow crying. He stared at the dirt as small round spots darkened, wet from his tears.

"What the fuck did I do," he whispered in the silence, surrounded by dead bodies with no life outside of the small animals and the brown spider creeping on his hand. The scenario ran through his mind again. The set-up. The near death experience. Pulling the trigger on Rell as he sputtered to verbally defend himself. He ain't deserve that. "Damn." He cursed himself inwardly for being a no-good, selfish, and non-compromising, murdering asshole. "What the fuck did I do." His hands began to shake and he threw down his gun bag before taking a deep breath and holding it as he mentally counted to ten while holding his nasal bridge. Then he released it slowly, inhaling again for another 10 seconds before releasing it. He had to get himself together and do it fairly quickly. Falling back on the breathing techniques he'd shown Y/N, he focused on the sound of his heartbeat and on keeping it calm and consistent. He couldn't afford to let his mental resolve weaken. Afterall, he couldn't go back in time and handle life differently, he had to build on what had already been done. Rell was dead. He'd murdered him. He'd murdered hundreds of people. He'd probably murder hundreds more before his own time came to be brutally murdered. It was inevitable, he couldn't escape his hellish history and he was resigned to a very short future. Rell would get his justice someday and until that day, he'd have to handle the mess... but not today.

Shoving off the spider that had made its way to his shoulder, he sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He'd learned enough from observing Rell to be adequate as a replacement. He couldn't drag all of the bodies through the woods, but he could manipulate the scene, arrange them and make it look like an amateur did it. Then again, these guys wouldn't have lost their lives to an amateur. Erik picked up his bag and looked around with a sigh before saying fuck it. The CIA wanted these mothafuckas dead anyway, he'd let them clean it up. That was one of the benefits of killing for a government agency. Not that he was still doing that (mainly because they like to act like they own a nigga).. but they'd cut him some slack.

Quickly he snapped pictures of the bodies and sent them to Swift, waiting for his money to hit and washing his hands of the situation. If it came down to it, Erik wouldn't deny his involvement he'd just have a slew of new people to kill until the issue was forgotten. Nothing he hadn't dealt with before.

Erik hobbled through the woods, bag in hand and weapon bundle on his back as he passed under branches and around rocks on the uncharted path. "Shit.. Shit.. fuck..," he hissed as he picked up his leg repeatedly to walk as long as it took to the car. He wanted to kiss the hunk of metal on arrival, but slung his weapon bundle into the trunk and folded himself gingerly inside the driver's seat with his bag in the passenger seat. He sighed starting the car. He had to get to get some shit to stitch himself up so he could stop bleeding and head to the airport before he was pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle. He'd drive as carefully as he could force himself to drive so not to arouse suspicion.

---

Upon snorting awake on the couch, you look around briefly to see where you are. It's indeed the couch downstairs in Erik's home and it's a little drafty because of the A/C causing you to shiver and pull the blanket around you tightly. You need to charge your phone but the charger is upstairs.

It takes ten minutes for you to move, keeping the blanket wrapped around you as you ascend the graceful stairs to your room. In your bag is your charger along with laundry that needs to be washed from your trip. Getting it together, you decide to wash them in two separate loads before moving onto your bedsheets and pillow cases. It's while that's washing that you make yourself some tea. It's not Trader Joe's Red Refresh, but in the bare minimum it serves its purpose to wake you up.

After that, it only takes one more good look around for your lips to pout. It's actually a very clean living space considering Erik is a man, but there's still the basic maintenance like dust and baseboards. Your eyes go to the dust buildup on his game collection and console in particular. It's a bothersome eyesore and you saw his cleaning supplies so why not? He'd do it for you... possibly... maybe.

Anyway, you don't really mind. Cleaning is therapeutic and good for calming the mind. You decide to re-light his candle from last night while you're at it.

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