#in conclusion: they're touch-starved your honour

[the-red-thread-that-strangles]

Akai is a study in severed connections.

He probably got off to a better start than Rei, by being born into a loving family. But it then hits all the harder that Tsutomu takes that case and disappears. Their mother hardens in an effort to protect what remains of their family, and Akai leaves his family behind to chase a ghost. I wonder which is worse; never having known kindness, or knowing it and having it ripped away from you?

We know barely anything about these next couple of years, aside from the fact that he was alone in the US. Who knows how far back the lone wolf monicker reaches? It’s not like we know anyone he’s been particularly close to until Jodie, and that’s what, several years down the line? I wonder what was up with that, how that relationship came about. It can’t have been that deep, considering how easily he broke up with her for Akemi. Did he ever even love her, or was he seeking physical comfort? Was it the adrenaline in a high-stakes job that brought them together? Who knows.

By contrast, Akemi’s kindness is certainly a draw for Akai. She is vulnerable herself, but keeps acting tough (and isn't that familiar). Kind and soft despite the world she lives in that she gets to him, against his better judgement. She cares for him, and allows him to care for her in return. And then Scotch dies, another potential connection severed, and his cover is blown. He leaves his love behind, returns to the US, and is alone. Again.

By the time canon rolls around, he and Akemi have been separated for what, three years? Akai is supposed to be dependable all the time, and he is, but at the cost of running himself ragged. He’s subsisting on caffeine and nicotine, shit at taking care of himself. He still loves Akemi, and is probably faithful to her. How long has it been since somebody has touched him? Held him? Cared for him? Years, at this point. She asks him to date her for real, and is ripped away from him immediately after. He’s on the other side of the globe, and she’s dead. Another connection, severed.

Things go from bad to worse, and Akai Shuichi dies. Now cut off in all but the slightest thread, he’s officially separated from the people he cares about. They mourn his death, and he can do nothing but watch and stay away to keep them safe.

Even if he wasn’t a special agent in the process of taking down a criminal syndicate, he’s now living a lie as Okiya Subaru, one he can’t involve anyone else in. Okiya is sociable, but the relationships can’t be genuine, and I think that’s worse. Seeing how happy people are with their connections, Masumi trying to reach out to him too, and he can’t. It’s too dangerous. He’s too dangerous. By this point, he’s probably resigned himself to mourning and loneliness.

And then there is Rei. Who is holding onto their bond in desperation, like a lifeline. It should be severed, but Rei keeps it alive through force of will. He has faith that Akai can’t have died that easily. Their connection a thread of guilt that strangles them both. But it also keeps them together. Neither can escape it.

And Akai starts to thrive under Rei’s attention. Because he’s seen, and Rei keeps seeking him out, despite everything. Whatever he gives, Akai gladly takes – whether it be violence or love. His touch burns, either way. Fistfights turn into sparring turn into wound care.

Once they’ve started, they can’t seem to stop touching, finding excuses despite their better judgement. He’s bad at communicating, and Rei is a habitual liar, but their actions speak louder. When everything threatens to fall apart, they’re bound, holding onto each other, holding each other.

Has Akai ever had anyone he could rely on, before? An equal he didn’t need to protect (who in fact objects to it)? Who can take care of themselves? Who won’t die so easily, leaving him alone yet again? In between all this loss and misery, Rei’s unshakable faith and competence provide solace. His care is wild and sometimes violent, but unmistakably there. Akai gives back what he can.

And maybe, just maybe, that connection is strong enough to support the tension. It persists despite all the troubles they’ve gone through. And with time, and a gentle touch, maybe they can remove the thread from each other’s necks. Maybe they can breathe freely, in the end.