#in this house we'd rather die than become like our parents

[peterbazooca]

Not me rotating the idea of a durge doomed to madness because they defied Bhaal and lost the fight to Orin like a rotisserie chicken.

Made myself sad with an "alternate ending" to the fic I'm writing because that's just the vibe in here I guess! I can't bring myself to make it "canon" because I'm a coward but it hurts too good to leave alone. Also, spoilers?

*

"I won't give my father the chance to let me hurt any of you."

"There has to be something," Astarion replied, running an uncharacteristically agitated hand through his hair. "Hells, a spell or a potion, anything--"

"There won't be anything. He won't leave room for that kind of saving grace. And even if there was, we wouldn't find it in time."

Astarion stopped pacing, his hand dropping from his hair. Ronen held his gaze.

"There isn't another way. So I'm going to destroy the elder brain, and then I'm going to kill myself. I won't be his puppet anymore, Astarion. I won't hurt anyone else."

Blinking rapidly, Astarion turned away. Ronen had no idea what was going through his head, but he doubted it was good. He hated this, hating causing him any more pain, but this was so much bigger than every wonderful thing they'd found together.

"Astarion, I need you to promise me something."

It was a span of several heartbeats before the vampire faced him, his features set and stony. "Yes, darling?"

"I need you to watch me. I need you to make sure I don't turn my blades on anyone who doesn't deserve it."

Astarion's responding laugh was borderline hysterical. "You're asking me to be your moral compass?"

Ronen didn't blink.

"Yes. Please. I've always trusted you," he reminded the vampire. "Even when it was an objectively stupid thing to do."

"Alright," Astarion replied at last as he stepped in close, his hands coming up to cup Ronen's face. "But I won't stop looking, up until the end, I swear to you."

And even if he couldn't see the truth of it shining out of his eyes, Ronen would never doubt that. "I know."

Their whispered words mingled, heat and breath in every space between, and Ronen didn't ask. Like the selfish monster he'd always been, he simply leaned in and *took*, kissing Astarion with needy abandon. Astarion, for his part, didn't flinch, didn't balk, but matched Ronen tongue for tongue, bite for bite, and when Ronen's nails found cool skin and burrowed in, Astarion's only response was a shiver of pleasure as he pushed himself closer.

Ronen didn't let himself stop, didn't let himself think, only have and do and give, and prayed to exactly no one for a miracle that might let him keep this.

*

When they finally made it back to their room at the Elf Song, everyone else was already asleep, or at least doing a passable job of faking it. Everyone except for Halsin. The druid sat on one of the beds in the corner farthest from everyone else, his shoulders hunched, somber eyes locked on his hands. Ronen felt Astarion go still beside him before nudging him in Halsin's direction.

The desolate expression on the druid's scarred face said everything. He pulled Ronen close, forehead against his chest, and Ronen ran his fingers through Halsin's thick, tangled hair.

"My heart." The words were mere puffs of heated air through his shirt, but they nearly felled him all the same.

"Shh, it's alright," he assured Halsin. The lie was bitter on his tongue, but he was a cloth wrung dry with nothing left to give. They could talk in the morning. When, he hoped, Ronen had the strength to dwell on the topic once more.

Halsin pressed a kiss to the skin of his chest, over his heart, and tugged him down. It was easy work; Ronen had no desire, no intention of fighting. A few short maneuvers later, Ronen found himself tucked up tight, his back to Halsin's chest. A few feet away, Astarion settled into a high backed chair, his posture slack with exhaustion but his eyes alert as anything.

"Sleep, my heart," Halsin rumbled, lips pressed to the back of his neck.

"We'll keep watch," Astarion added.

"Until morning?" Ronen hated how small the words came out. Halsin's arms tightened around him.

"And everything that comes after."

Safe in Halsin's embrace, under Astarion's watchful gaze, Ronen did something he didn't think he ever had before and cried himself, silently, to sleep.