#in which i slowly become an episode of brian david gilbert's unraveled

[swordmouse]

A ranking of solid minecraft blocks by edibility

1. Dried Kelp Block, Hay Bale, Melon, Mushroom Stem, Red Mushroom Block, Brown Mushroom Block. These are blocks that you can more or less break into edible components. The best of the best if you’re eating solid minecraft blocks.

2. Blue Ice, Frosted Ice, Ice, Packed Ice, Snow Block. Who doesn’t love to crunch on some ice? Add some flavored syrup and these could be snow cones.

3. Nether Wart Block, Pumpkin. Sort of food-adjacent. You can make pie out of pumpkins, and it really feels like you ought to be able to eat nether wart.

4. Leaves, Carved Pumpkin, Grass Block. You might be able to derive some nutrients from these. Probably won’t be a pleasant meal, though.

5. Purpur Block, Purpur Pillar. I was initially going to put these way lower on the list, until I realized that purpur is made out of cooked fruit, making these blocks technically fruit tarts.

6. Scaffolding. Some bamboo is edible. Dried bamboo with a side of string is less edible.

7. Shulker Box, Slime Block. Are shulkers like insects? Is a shulker box their exoskeleton? Slime blocks might be a bit like lime jello. These blocks are both monster byproducts. Probably both edible. Definitely not vegetarian.

8. Coral Block, Bone Block, Infested Chiseled Stone Bricks, Infested Cobblestone, Infested Cracked Stone Bricks, Infested Mossy Stone Bricks, Infested Stone, Infested Stone Bricks. Crunchier than is ideal, but there may be some marrow in bone blocks, and the coral animal in coral blocks, which would make both blocks potential sources of protein. Silverfish are almost definitely edible.

9. Grass Path, Dead Coral Block. You saw my approval of grass and coral as potential mediocre food sources and thought, what if I ate a deader, more trampled, worse version of that? 

10. Block of Gold. Sometimes rich people put edible gold leaf on their food for fun. You can technically eat a block of gold, but you deserve the guillotine if you do.

11. Clay, Dirt, Coarse Dirt, Podzol, Red Sand, Sand, Mycelium. If you find yourself wanting to eat these blocks, you almost definitely have pica.

12. Soul Sand. You have pica and also eat souls, I guess.

13. Log, Planks, Wood, Barrel, Bookshelf, Cartography Table, Stripped Wood, Crafting Table, Fletching Table. These are wood. Unless you’re a termite, probably don’t eat these.

14. Wool. I diagnose you with moth.

15. Sponge, Wet Sponge. Just kind of gross. Can you imagine the texture?

16. Prismarine, Prismarine Bricks, Dark Prismarine. Unknown edibility, probably too crunchy.

17. Nether Bricks, Red Nether Bricks, Smithing Table, Glazed Terracotta, Terracotta, Bricks, End Stone Bricks, Terracotta. Definitely too crunchy. Don’t eat bricks, kids.

18. Jukebox, Command Block, Dispenser, Dropper, Note Block, Observer, Redstone Lamp. Machinery is generally inedible. Don’t.

19. Block of Coal. You’ll get the gastrointestinal version of black lung.

20. Concrete, Concrete Powder. That’s conk crete, babey!! Probably don’t eat concrete, though.

21. Beacon. If you eat a beacon, do you think your body is transparent enough that the beam will go through? The light can pass through you when you stand on top of it…. You’d need to eat a beacon base too, though.

22. Andesite, Block of Diamond, Block of Emerald, Block of Iron, Block of Quartz, Block of Redstone, Chiseled Quartz Block, Chiseled Red Sandstone, Chiseled Sandstone, Chiseled Stone Bricks, Coal Ore, Cobblestone, Cracked Stone Bricks, Cut Red Sandstone, Cut Sandstone, Diamond Ore, Diorite, Emerald Ore, End Stone, Mossy Cobblestone, Mossy Stone Bricks, Nether Quartz Ore, Netherrack, Obsidian, Polished Andesite, Polished Diorite, Polished Granite, Glowstone, Gold Ore, Granite, Gravel, Iron Ore, Lapis Lazuli Block, Lapis Lazuli Ore, Smooth Quartz, Smooth Red Sandstone, Smooth Sandstone, Smooth Stone, Stone, Red Sandstone, Redstone Ore, Sandstone, Quartz Pillar. I’m not just gonna sit here and rank the edibility of all these rocks and minerals. Just don’t eat them. You’d probably break your teeth anyway.

23. Bedrock, Barrier. You’d definitely break your teeth.

24. Stained Glass, Glass, Sea Lantern. Unless your teeth are enchanted with silk touch, these will shatter in your mouth. 

25. Blast Furnace, Furnace, Smoker, Jack o'Lantern, Magma Block. Might set your mouth on fire, and not in a fun spicy way.

26. TNT. Don’t.

27. End Gateway. I have no idea what this would do to your body if you ate it. It is very pretty, though. If you eat it, eat it for science.

28. Spawner. Five word horror story: Mouth Full Of Cave Spiders.