#is this what internal validation feels like lmao? it's rly nice.

[serkonans]

it's 4 am i'm wide awake and also deliriously tired at once somehow so i'm gonna just ramble out what's on my mind

so there's this project i'm on at work, right, which i've been on in some capacity for a year and a half. when i first started on the project, i attended meetings where i listened to people give presentations on different issues that needed to be solved, and those issues were completely incomprehensible to me. everything was so complex and multilayered and required so much context and logic that it was like my brain couldn't even grapple with the breadth of how much i didn't know and would just go totally blank.

there were two guys who gave a lot of these presentations, who i was really in awe of because i felt like they must be otherworldly smart to understand any of it, let alone break it down for others and present possible solutions. in my mind, they became The Guys to impress. if i could somehow get them to think i knew my shit, that would mean i really knew it.

so i've spent the last year and a half dedicating myself to learning everything i can about this project and the different facets of it. i'm the one giving a lot of presentations that they listen to now. i'm pulled into meetings with a Bunch of people (including them) who are fiercely smart and fantastic problem solvers. and i spend so much of my time thinking no way in hell do i deserve to be in these rooms. my imposter syndrome is so large and looming all the time and i worry incessantly that someone is gonna notice and they're all going to point and laugh and turn to face away from me and i'll never win anyone back over because of my comparative idiocy.

but my kind-of-boss told me that one of them has said multiple times how smart he thinks i am and that he's so impressed by me, and i found out just two days ago that the other was really glad that i was in that room and giving the input i was giving. that one actually said as much to my face. and it was wild bc i literally got the validation i'd been so desperate for and inside i basically was like ......nah thank you but that's nothing.

because of course imposter syndrome is not something that can be cured through external means. so i was realizing that i'm going to have to solve it by finding an internal sense of validation. but while i was thinking about where the hell i was going to find that, i had something occur to me.

of those two guys, both have been at the company for years and years... one has been on this project since its inception 5+ years ago and worked for the company before that as well, and the other has worked for the company since he was in college and is 14 years in at this point and has been working on this project for almost as long as the other. it's not like we all started on the same day and they just intuitively got it and i didn't. they had a shit ton more experience and context for literally every single piece of what they were communicating than i did. they didn't get that overnight.

and i've thought "WHY" so many times about that one thinking i'm so impressive but when i stop to think about it as like. if i'm a guy who's been working on this for over 5 years and i've seen almost everyone involved in this project come and go and i've explained the same concepts a thousand times and basically written the project bible, and then some kid comes out of nowhere and is able to quote that bible back to me and give valuable presentations and feedback (and occasionally say something that stops me in my tracks and forces me to reconsider a plan of action) in a matter of months, i would probably also be like who the hell is this and how do we keep him here.

like. if i step out of my own head where i have been bemoaning not being a 100% flawless expert all the time 1.5 years in, and look at it from an angle of literally anyone else, that shit actually is pretty fucking impressive. like i can actually conceptualize how it would require me to be both intelligent and dedicated in order to get there, and how much respect that would garner for a lot of people. i would want me in the room, and i would certainly want me to be paying attention and speaking up while i was there, and not thinking about whether or not i belonged.

just wild to think about if i'm being real. like goddamn i have been really hard on myself and held myself to really exacting standards that have not been reasonable at all. and also idk. maybe if everyone around me that i'm looking up to is so smart, they'd be able to see through it if i wasn't. and maybe if i stopped thinking so much about whether or not i deserve to be viewed that way, i would be able to spend more time proving exactly why i do.

[alexenglish]

hi! this is the yeonjun fic nonbinary (???) anon from a few days ago. i have a question that i am hoping for some insight from you on? i am at a loss for how to explore doing gender beyond the way i inhabit my body (fashion & physical mannerisms). do you have any helpful resources or ideas or like a conceptual framework or anything? i can't drastically change my personality or interests, and i don't really know what else there is. thank you and have a nice day!

hi alex! this is the yeonjun gender anon~ just dropping by since it is wednesday and it was requested! but also, i know it is a rly complicated question that in a sense reflects my own lack of knowledge of myself & the world (which i will work on thru reflection+reading+observing), and i don't want to put a big burden on you to explain Everything or be comprehensive~ thank you for your consideration and generosity <3 have a good day <3

hello my dear anon! first off, you're so sweet and i appreciate you being patient with me (and also reminding me!) i was busy and then weirdly, extremely sick yesterday, and the few days wait feels like i've wound you up for some profound reveal, when it's truly been so long since i've talked about this type of thing on here, i just hope i can give you something to leap off of.

my biggest piece of advice is that it can be useful to start to define gender inside yourself as something separate from presentation! a lot of times we feel the need to dress and act certain ways to 'prove' we are a certain gender, or align ourselves with a certain gender. that can inspire a ton of euphoria! and is great! i DO encourage you to explore that, naturally, but gender is also about breaking down what our gender means to us outside of that.

if we were all in an ideal world without cissexist expectations or gender roles or social pressures on our interests and presentation - what would our gender mean to us? how would it manifest? how would we express it? what would bring us joy and identity and security and self-insight?

personally, my answers to all those questions are like very neutral, and also very 'both/all', and also very 'i simply do not care,' which is why i am nonbinary! and then, at the same time, outside of that ideal - while i don't necessarily feel like i embody masculinity in my presentation, i do identify with masculinity in a lot of ways - how i feel about myself, how i relate to other masculine people, and also roles i prefer to take socially. there are many things about femininity i genuinely don't understand like presentation and social pressures, and i will not participate in them. but since i am 'mom' and 'girlfriend' in my current family arrangement (which are definers i chose for personal reasons), i am constantly dodging the expectation to fulfill a 'feminine' role in the home/socially, but that is not who i am or who i want to be - so no! lmao

just laying that all out to show you the complexity of a gender feeling, i guess! who i am internally (nonbinary), and how i relate to the world (masculine-leaning), and expectations on me (feminine roles) are all different and meanwhile, i am just a nonbinary person defining gender for myself.

your gender as (unknown variable) doesn't have to inform your performance or presentation. some people are very much like "my gender is (unknown variable) and therefore i have to perform/present as (unknown variable)" when it should be "my gender is (unknown variable), i perform/present in ways that are affirming and authentic, and this is what it looks like!" sometimes what it looks like aligns with (unknown variable) and sometimes it doesn't, and that's like so hecking valid, either way. if you are (unknown variable), you are still (unknown variable) no matter what your interests, clothes, social roles, etc are.

it really IS about defining gender for yourself inside your head. window shopping other genders and feeling out what fits. what suits you best, makes you happiest. sometimes that looks like trying on clothes and pronouns and labels. sometimes it's about talking it out, and finding what's meaningful to you, and how to express that; how to claim it and own it in ways that are profound. it can truly be anything. which is daunting, but exciting, i promise!

and it's important that you don't think of your journey as finding a 'right' answer, think of your journey as finding what fits you 'right now.' who you are now, and who you will be in five years are different people. embrace your now! be kind to yourself while you are exploring! approach with joy and curiosity, above all else!

anyway, i'm not sure if any of that is actually helpful in the way you want it to be, but i hope it at least touched on something you needed to hear. feel free to come back to chat, or even dm me if you want ! <3