#it sucks but my brain is at half capacity rn

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ceresoktavia]

bigass rant under the cut ... I just need to scream it out into the void >.>

So ... you know with all the shit she put me through, I have very little respect left for my mother, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about her.

My mom has COPD - Gold 4 Status, only 7% lung volume left and can barely handle her day to day life without medical oxygen.

That’s why, for the last two years, I’ve been doing everything ... e v e r y t h i n g ... to keep her from catching covid.

I’ve been bending backwards, risked and had several fights with my husband over the matter and even went as far as accepting more hours and giving her half of my salary, so she could stay where she was safe ...

aka she only left the house for doc appointments and treatments.

I’m not healthy myself. Everyone slightly knowing me knows, cause I see no reason to beat around the bush with that stuff. People can only respect and see your needs if they know what they are, right?

Back to topic: The last two years my not healthy ass has been bending backwards to keep the old woman safe. I’ve exhausted myself to the point where I no longer have the energy left for my hobbies.

Sewing ... nah ah

Writing ... dream on

Reading ... bigass nope

Gaming ... brain says no

Right now I’m on autopilot, barely functioning as a human being. Keeping up with my friends is already next to impossible. My brain shuts down the second it gets the chance.

As much as I’d love to support them and show them the love they deserve, I just can’t ... because getting out of bed and going to work already drains the little reserve I have left.

For comparison, think of your phone on 20% capacity or your car running on reserve. Now imagine you can’t charge over that 20, can’t get enough gas to get out of the glaring red.

That’s me rn ... my life ... it just sucks. But I knew what I was doing it for.

I may not respect my mom, but I love her and want her to life as long as possible.

And just now, where I push myself way over my limits, where I’m autopiloting my way through my life, the thing I tried to prevent happened.

Mommy caught Covid.

And I just feel ... rage ...

She already needs medical oxygen, going by 1.5 liters per minute ... she now inhales 5 ... and it’s getting worse, according to my dad, who keeps an eye on her oxygen tank.

I’m furious, I’m scared and most importantly I’m crashing hard.

All I want to do is crawl under a rock and die there.

I know, Covid pushed everyone to their mental limits ... but for me, it just delivered the fucking finishing blow. With an iron fist, right in my face.

[ectolemonades]

Alright I'm between classes rn sitting at my work vibing w coworkers which means perfect time to share some Twilight/DP thoughts that absolutely no one asked for

This is an au obviously so we're just going to really really loosely follow timelines here because technically these series kinda ran at the same time idk it's weird and I don't give a shit

The Cullens (post-Breaking Dawn for character reference so Bella's there and I guess Resume) move to Amity Park because people in Forks are getting kinda sus about stuff and Amity Park is haunted as shit anyway who's gonna notice some weird "teenagers"

Except they didn't anticipate this 14-year-old dweeb who is half-ghost to pretty much become suspicious as soon as they walked into the school looking all ethereally beautiful and sitting alone and not eating or talking to anyone but each other he definitely thinks this is some ghost-infiltration situation like with Spectra or something

At some point Danny (probably as Phantom of course) absolutely manages to get into a fight with one of them, I am not taking this seriously in any capacity so I will not put any brain power into how or who at this time, tries to suck them into the thermos, and is incredibly confused when it won't work

Probably some hilarity ensues where, in a similar vein to how no one in Amity can figure out he's Phantom, he just can't figure out what the fuck they are if they're not ghosts but he can clearly tell they're not human because girls the vibes are Off

The Cullens would absolutely figure out he's Phantom tho because Edward can read minds and Alice can see the future like he doesn't have a lot of opportunity to hide his identity here

Also this au absolutely takes out weird shitty things like Jacob being in love with the baby he's back in Forks not being a fucking weirdo anymore and having a normal relationship u feel

Anyway if you read this I'm so sorry that you did

[crimsonandcloverwrites]

bhah ch6 it’s go time

excitable bby carson is so cute I love that kid

Dani uuuhhh being so in tune w Jamie always is so lovely. and Jamie almost being a bit scared of accepting her kindness when she’s truly hurting is so interesting like I think Dani really is her person but she still can’t fully let down all her walls around her. or tbh probably doesn’t have the emotional capacity to understand how she’s feeling and communicate that properly gah someone pls give her unending emotional support she makes my heart hurt so much

“There was an odd expression on her face that Dani couldn’t place” that’s love babey (i feel like there are a lot of moments like this lol I love seeing this all from Dani’s POV)

oof Dani trying to figure out where she’d ‘misstepped’ bc of a look Karen gave her god she doesn’t deserve this

the way she can make Dani have a fucking panic attack just by being near her ummmmmm I hate her. like i can’t even comment on this bit bc I’m mostly just trying to read it really fast and not reflect too hard

ah sweet Jamie

hmmmm is this the moment Dani falls in love with Jamie please it’s so sweet and casual and literally just Jamie being herself and caring about Dani with her whole heart. no wonder. also the contrast of this with her realising as an adult is beautiful. Dani u poor  little confused gay angel

the dirty paperback a staple of all good plotlines

dsfjhdfkjghkjfh when Dani straddles her and Jamie just fucking freezes oh my god this part makes me laugh so much you poor little lesbian

““As you wish,” Jamie said softly.” oh god oh no not the princess bride rn this whole bit is too soft

“Twenty-four hours alone with Jamie in her house, and it was like Dani had suddenly forgotten what the emptiness of it felt like.” oof just. Jamie is her home I can’t even think about that concept too hard it is too beautiful and all-encompassing

Milkshake Monday is so cute I’m gonna make a milkshake on Monday in honour of the O’Mara/Clayton/Taylor gang

Eddie’s “he rested his hand oddly on the ground between them, his palm up and hands loose“ is giving me flashbacks to the only date I ever went on with a man  please not this move

aww poor Jamie is jealous (and probably very sadly realising she will never get to be where Eddie is with the handholding and blossoming relationship ouch) (this is also giving me flashbacks stop living inside my brain)

oh my god Jamie sprinting away from David w the paperback i’m dying

aww lil D&D bebes

dfgdjfh “I cast: slap you in the face.” i think he has some points

Eddie and his endless sheets of notes and plans is actually super cute.

Carson wanting to be evil there is somethin to be said abt queer-coded villians and that is that I love them and the gravitational forces they apply to baby gays

god the sibling banter in this is so perfect this is exactly how this wld have gone down w me n my siblings

lmao eddie really is in his element this is so good

god Jamie just... so anxiously awaiting for the only source of stability she’s ever had in her life to return I am emotional

teeny baby mikey. Jamie’s parents are the fucking worst for the ways they treated their kids but I’m so glad Nan can be here for them

why is... jamie so upset?? is this like. it kinda puts the nail in the coffin of the idea of her family being whole again?? is it just because Jamie wasn’t told what’s happening and she feels out of control?? let me see inside ur brain jamie u poor confused angry little bird

ugh now I am thinking about the idea of family and building ur own and getting to choose the people that mean the most to you and it sucks that for some people the families they were born into can’t be that and this is too much for a Sunday afternoon

oh she’s upset by the change of it all (tho like... that’s probably just the easiest part to talk about rn I’m sure it’s a lot of complicated emotions)

the foreshadowing of “I’ll be the one to take care of him”

"She isn't going to just up and leave you alone with a baby, Jamie." genuinely too fragile for this rn

fuck i can just picture extremely sullen teenage Jamie with feelings too big to process properly trying to just survive and sweet understanding Dani giving her a really gentle place to kind of... reflect a bit and work through them. I am. also having feelings too big to process properly. i love that Nan knows Dani is this for her too and probably sent her after her for that exact reason

hhhmnngfhgh washing her hands for her the intricate rituals of it all

“Can just call him ‘Bawbag’ and be done with it.” jesus christ Jamie sdkjfhdkjdghk I am wheezing

Dani giving Mikey the nickname literally means everything to meeeeeeee

Dani picking up pamphlets for Ed and Jamie too is so cute

lmao Dani is like. a boy??? asking me to homecoming???? panic time

Roger’s lil crush on Jamie is so funny bro ur barking up the wrong tree... in the wrong forest... in the wrong hemisphere... lost in space somewhere

Jamie getting to grow her own flowers is so wonderful and Dani recognising this is where she’s the most fulfilled is so lovely (and I finally know where the pressed morning glory from the box is yus)

god Karen is so relentlessly mean to Dani why are u like this

Jesus christ the thought of Dani asking Nan what sodomy is. the heartattack she wld have

woof this like subtle ‘you’ll never be accepted bc it’s just not right’ vibe from Karen in this whole conversation w Judy this is tooooo familiar. no wonder she just keeps repressing it all (should i be using this fic to process my own life probably not)

Jamie taking them to an outdoor picture theatre because Dani mentioned wanting to go one time ow my heart. this is basically their first date no?? flip that’s cute. oh god a horror movie tho sdkjfhdjf Jamie

i think there’s such an interesting thing of Dani and Jamie just... falling into each other in this really uneventful way and their whole relationship being this really full thing without a big realisation of ‘this is what love/romance is’ and is probably half the reason Dani isn’t really able to name it as that?? like i love it and i think it’s so sweet but I wonder if Jamie was ever able to actually say something if that would have finally tipped her tiny lil repressed brain over into realisation???

this whole bit is so sweetly innocent I love it

another day 3 days another emotional rollercoaster of a chapter gbless

[sarahburness]

Rock Bottom? How to Start Digging Your Way Out

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Not too long ago, I had the worst week of my life.

Let me give you some background. Just over a year ago, I was diagnosed with a meningioma—a benign brain tumor. “It’s small,” I was told. “It won’t cause you any issues, at least not for several years.”

Fast forward to May 18, 2017. “It has grown. We need to start considering surgery or radiation.”

Whoa. Major brain surgery or radiation to my brain? What a fun way to spend my summer.

Then, on May 19, 2017, I walked in to work. I was ushered into a meeting. “Your position is being eliminated,” I was told. Hey, life! Way to kick me when I am down!

I spent much of that morning crying. I reached out to family and friends, updating them on my news, all while eating cookies from my favorite coffee shop and gulping down a McDonald’s large Diet Coke.

In fact, I spent much of the next two weeks in the same manner.

Now I am sitting here, on my laptop, contemplating the significance of all of this, happening at once.

If I’m going to be honest, I have been in a downward slump for the past year. My migraines have gotten out of control. I have gained about twenty pounds because I can’t control my stress eating. My anxiety? Whoa—it requires a couple of medications to control it, and I still see a therapist weekly (who is awesome, I should add).

Suffice it to say, on May 19th, that morning, that moment, I hit rock bottom.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that we’ve all hit the proverbial rock bottom before. In fact, I would bet that some of you, dear readers, are sitting there right now, trying to figure out how to claw your way out.

Up until about a week ago, I was there too. I was sitting there, at the bottom of a hole. I realized I could sit there, cry, continue eating cookies, letting the weight pile on, and be unhappy. I could let my physician’s pile on more medications for my anxiety and my migraines. Or, I could envision everything I am going through as the beginning of something much bigger.

Something bigger. Freelance writing is my secondary income. I am in the midst of yoga teacher training. I am a certified diabetes educator and an RN. I have all of these skill; the question is, what should I do with them?

I have had the same best friend since we were twelve—well over half of our lives. When I texted her that I lost my job, she called me within the hour. “It’s hard to see it now,” she said, “but this just means that job wasn’t right for you. Something bigger is meant for you.”

When I think about the last year of my life, I think about how much I loved my job. But I also think about how poor my health has been because of my own actions. I think about how my anxiety has affected my family.

Although it is hard to see it right now, I am in a unique position. I get to start all over again. I get to figure out what I really want to do. What else do I know? This life I’ve lived for the past year. It isn’t working for me. I have been miserable. Health crises and job loss are traumatic, but for me, they may have been the figurative kick in the ass to see that I am on a precipice—all I have to do is jump.

So, dear readers, if you are also at the proverbial rock bottom, here’s my best advice at crawling your way out, coming from someone who was literally right there.

Finish wallowing, then take an assessment.

 You read that right—I just told you to finish wallowing!

Why? Because if you’re not done grieving whatever situation kicked you into your hole—whether it be a major breakup, a health crisis, a job loss, or a death of a loved one—you’re not really ready to pull yourself out.

All of these big life issues? They’re huge. They’re astronomical. They’re so large that they put your life into a tailspin. You need to properly grieve the loss of your past life before you can move forward.

I am not an expert at grieving. If you need help, please seek it. And don’t be ashamed to seek help. Remember how I mentioned that I see a therapist weekly? I am unashamed.

Once you’re done grieving, take a long, hard look at your life. What caused you to sink into your hole? Where were you before you hit rock bottom? Most importantly, where do you want to go from here?

I want to add that this phase is hard. I mentioned that you need to finish wallowing. This means stay there as long as you need to, because you need to get over it before you can move on. However, have you ever heard the saying, “It’s okay to have a meltdown, but don’t unpack your bags and stay there”? This is step 1—don’t get stuck in regret and forget to move forward.

Start planning.

My life changed dramatically one month ago. I by no means have my plans figured out yet. I have a vague idea of where I want to go from here, but it is still in the air, so to speak. And that’s okay.

The important thing is that, after you’ve begun to desperately claw yourself out of the pit, you begin to make a plan.

For example, as both a writer and an RN, I am making plans to use both of my talents. I know, after ten years of nursing and working for a hospital that ultimately let me go, I don’t want to work in that capacity anymore.

I am not entirely sure what this means, but I do know that I still want to use my credentials as a diabetes educator. I want to somehow work as an RN. I also want to be a writer. That’s all I know so far.

My main focus, of course, is being healthy. With my surgery coming up quickly, I am focusing my energy on my health and subsequently my recovery. Once I have recovered from my meningioma removal surgery, I will start all over again.

It is important to note when you are planning, your goals don’t have to be huge. My goals are huge because what I am going through is pretty big. Even if your goals are huge, the steps that you take can be small—the important thing is that you are making a plan.

And another thing! Write that plan down. Tape it to your bathroom mirror, your kitchen cabinet, or the steering wheel of your car—somewhere that you’ll see it and read it over, and over, and over.

Put your plan into action.

Planning is great. But a plan is only great if you actually do something with it.

The day I hit rock bottom, I actually started writing this article, thinking it would be published immediately. “It’s so great!” I thought.

Yes, but I hadn’t actually dragged myself out of the hole yet. I had basically written my narrative, but there was not a lot else about how I planned to dig my way out, so needless to say, it was turned down nicely.

Because I had no clue.

I spent the next couple weeks grieving. Then, I realized, I was done with grieving. I will always be just a little bit sad about losing my job, because I genuinely loved it. But I can’t grieve forever. And my brain tumor? Well, I just got back from Mayo Clinic and will have it removed in several weeks, and with any luck, it will never grow back.

Am I scared? Sure. I’m scared to lose another job. I’m scared of brain surgery. I’m scared that the tumor will grow back.

But I am also grateful. I am a creative person by nature—I can barely draw a stick figure, but I love to write; had I not lost my job, perhaps I would never have been given this opportunity to use this creative skill.

I am grateful that my tumor is benign. It is easily operable. I will have an easy recovery. I have an amazing support system in my husband, my friends, and my family.

After I realized these things, I started putting my plan into action. I started writing more—for my clients, for myself. I have slowly begun to apply for nursing and diabetes educator jobs that interest me, although I will be unable to start until after surgery. I am working to complete my 200-hour yoga teacher training.

—

Whatever thing you’re going through, that caused you to hit rock bottom? It sucks. I know it does. No one hits rock bottom without a reason. But don’t stay there. I know it’s going to take us a while, but I also know it’s better out of the hole. We’ll get there, I promise.

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About Krysti Ostermeyer

Krysti Ostermeyer blogs at https://krystiwithak.wordpress.com/, where she writes about migraines and her son’s food allergies.  She is a nurse, a diabetes educator and a yoga enthusiast.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/rock-bottom-how-to-start-digging-your-way-out/